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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: N. P.D Thread - Part VI
veritas
♀ Member
Member # 3525
Default  Posted: 4:39 PM, November 17th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mine has never been diagnosed, nor has he ever stayed in any kind of therapy long enough to be diagnosed with anything.

He voluntarily attended a domestic violence program several years ago, had to go out of town for two weeks, then told me that he didn't have to go back, the director wanted him to be a mentor (but of course he said no), and he was given a pass from completing the program. How many points do I slide down in your esteem if I tell you that I believed him? I can't believe I was ever that young and dumb.

We went to one marriage counseling session where not only did he reverse everything that he begged me (before the meeting he loved me; during the meeting he just didn't want to have to look for an apartment), but he lied almost constantly throughout. I refused to go anymore.

And most recently, he "secretly" went to appease his parents because his tantrums were getting out of control, but the counselor had him doing things like... if he was mad about the condition of the house and didn't want to clean it himself, hire a maid service. He nearly had a fit over that. I think he went to two sessions before he quit.

Diagnosis? Ha! I don't know what he has precisely, but it's close enough to other people's experiences here to where I feel like their advice can help me out.


Actions unmask what words disguise.
Love many; trust few; and always paddle your own canoe.
When you win, you teach; when you lose, you learn.

Posts: 10164 | Registered: Feb 2004
lied2
♀ Member
Member # 1807
Default  Posted: 6:37 PM, November 17th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

mine has some kind of additional diagnosis from the Psychiatrist but I was not told which one. The only thing the Dr could tell me was that I needed to leave him because he was "not going to get better". That was before he went on his last cheating spree of the marriage. Needless to say I finally took the Dr's advice seriously.

Some of these people are so messed up it doesn't really matter which name they put on it. Heck the professionaly have a hard time actually diagnosing these disorders because these people are so slick and avoid counceling like the plague unless they know they will lose alot (that is how mine ended up going. I was going to divorce him otherwise and he got something out of going for a while)

Even with counceling they only manage the behaviours to a small degree. My ex has not changed. He still rages etc. In some ways he has a shorter fuse and is more violent when he does go off the deep end.

The victims (spouse children etc.) are abused and have all the symptoms of abuse survivors. Add to that the infidelity and it is a horror show that takes years to undo.

To me it doesn't matter if the person is officially diagnosed. That diagnosis and a dollar might buy you a cup of coffee. The outcome of their ongoing abuse is the same and their victims need to know how to respond to the abuse and how to minimize the damage and heal.

I know over the years with my ex I became someone I didn't like. I was angry, depressed and unhappy. My worst days now are still better with him gone. He just makes things worse. I could not take his lies, abuse and problems being more important that anything else in the world.


The grass isn't greener on the other side of the fence. It is astro turf.

The essence of love is not what we think or do or provide for others, but how much we give of ourselves.


A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.


Posts: 8196 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Ontario, Canada
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 7:21 PM, November 17th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The worst day I've had since he's been gone is better than most days I had the last few years with my XNPDH.

He was gone a good part of the time and the closer it got to the day he would return I would begin to feel a horrible sense of dread.

What kind of mood will he be in?
Will he be drunk or sober?
Will I get ANY sleep at all while he's home?
Will the police have to come?
Will I have to leave?

That unshakable feeling of doom is gone.


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7927 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
woundedby2
♀ Member
Member # 18522
Default  Posted: 7:55 PM, November 17th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know over the years with my ex I became someone I didn't like. I was angry, depressed and unhappy. My worst days now are still better with him gone.

That unshakable feeling of doom is gone.

Thanks, Lied2 and Sadtoo. I couldn't have said it any better! I no longer pull up to my house after work and feel that horrible sense of dread. There is no more walking on eggshells in this house.

Hugs and prayers for everyone.
(((((Tribe)))))


Me: BS
2 kids: DD15 and DS18
Him: The Assclown NPD
OW: "friend" of 15 years
Divorced! Feb. 2010

Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson


Posts: 7636 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: SoCal
bobelina
♂ Member
Member # 15312
Default  Posted: 12:47 PM, November 18th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Lied2)))

If I were closer, I'd take the boys for an afternoon so that you can chill.

When I go home to visit, I will contact you and do so.

BoB

ETA: And bring you a chocolate cake !

[This message edited by bobelina at 12:47 PM, November 18th (Tuesday)]


Mean People Suck (Especially Narcissists)

Posts: 1817 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Over the Hills and Far Away...
bobelina
♂ Member
Member # 15312
Default  Posted: 3:35 PM, November 18th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Tribe)))

Send me some SI Mojo...

...about to be evicted.

Last couple of tricks in my magic hat will hopefully come to fruition tonight. Deadline is noon tomorrow.

It is what it is...

Thanks.

BoB


Mean People Suck (Especially Narcissists)

Posts: 1817 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Over the Hills and Far Away...
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 7:12 PM, November 18th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mojo risin, man!

Posts: 6032 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
veritas
♀ Member
Member # 3525
Default  Posted: 7:45 PM, November 18th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((bob))) mojo moving that way...


Actions unmask what words disguise.
Love many; trust few; and always paddle your own canoe.
When you win, you teach; when you lose, you learn.

Posts: 10164 | Registered: Feb 2004
woundedby2
♀ Member
Member # 18522
Default  Posted: 7:52 PM, November 18th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bob,
Sending major Mojo your way!


Me: BS
2 kids: DD15 and DS18
Him: The Assclown NPD
OW: "friend" of 15 years
Divorced! Feb. 2010

Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson


Posts: 7636 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: SoCal
Longlost
♀ Member
Member # 16177
Default  Posted: 10:38 PM, November 18th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((BoB)))
mucho mojo


Wisdom and pain are not mutually exclusive.
____________________________
Barn's burnt down--
Now I can see the moon.
--Mizuta Masahide

Posts: 288 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: West of Bizarro World
itsabattle
♀ Member
Member # 13036
Default  Posted: 10:41 AM, November 19th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

mojo heading across the Atlantic!

Posts: 1233 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: england
hexed
♀ Member
Member # 19258
Default  Posted: 11:31 AM, November 19th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Bob))) hugs headed your way.

mine wasn't diagnosed until we were going through the custody hearing. fortunately my son's GAL had some experience in this venue and recommended a psychological evaluation before the custody order was finalized. he FLIPPED. the court took her advice and happened to appoint someone to do the evaluation who had a background in personality disorders. 3 sessions later the psychologist firmly pronounced him NPD. i love that it is part of the court record.

and yes, those of us who lived it are abuse survivors even if they never touched us. h/e i do remember standing by the door one day, he was yelling at me about something stupid and i had had enough. i just looked at him and calmly said, "go ahead and hit me. do it" i knew if he hit me i'd have the clear line crossed and i'd leave. he didn't hit me, and i didn't leave that day but in evaluating that reaction for a few days, i knew what i had to do. it was shockingly easy after that. very little sadness except for my DS.


But that's just a lot of water
Underneath a bridge I burned
And there's no use in backtracking
Around corners I have turned

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler


Posts: 8262 | Registered: Apr 2008
lied2
♀ Member
Member # 1807
Default  Posted: 8:45 PM, November 20th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hexed I know mine did try and hit me a few times and I got out of the way. He was physical with the kids and left marks. He has hit the wife (then fiance) as well. The physical stuff would have been easier to take and get away from. It is the subtle abuse that doesn't leave marks that is the hardest to heal from.

Bob sending you all the mojo I got.

(((((BOB))))))


The grass isn't greener on the other side of the fence. It is astro turf.

The essence of love is not what we think or do or provide for others, but how much we give of ourselves.


A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.


Posts: 8196 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Ontario, Canada
bobelina
♂ Member
Member # 15312
Default  Posted: 8:54 PM, November 20th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Tribe)))

Thank you for the Mojo. It worked !!!

BoB


Mean People Suck (Especially Narcissists)

Posts: 1817 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Over the Hills and Far Away...
woundedby2
♀ Member
Member # 18522
Default  Posted: 6:54 AM, November 21st (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bob,

Great news! I hope that you will back on solid ground again soon. (((((Bob)))))


Me: BS
2 kids: DD15 and DS18
Him: The Assclown NPD
OW: "friend" of 15 years
Divorced! Feb. 2010

Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson


Posts: 7636 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: SoCal
itsabattle
♀ Member
Member # 13036
Default  Posted: 1:08 PM, November 25th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Can anyone advise me if the following is a normal reaction after living with someone with npd?

I work in a school and a guy whose does supply teaching comes in every now and then. He is a bit older than me, we have chatted and he is a nice chap. I think he has flirted with me a few times.
Anyway, I was doing a bit of shopping in town on Sunday and I saw him. I felt uncomfortable at first chatting to him but I relaxed after a couple of minutes. The uncomfortable feeling of embarrassment and feeling flushed. He greeted me with "hello sexy" in a fun kind of way. I think it was that that made me feel uncomfortable as I feel like I am the least sexy person in the world. He wasn't being horrible or sarcastic when he said that, just harmless fun.
We chatted for a while and said that perhaps we could get together for a drink sometimes as it is close to Christmas. I felt flustered and sort of brushed it off, saying ok, maybe sometime blah blah blah. He said next time he was in school perhaps he could come over and get my email or number. We chatted for a while longer and I said I had to go and meet someone ( I lied, I just wanted to get away. He came into school the next day and we briefly said hello and smiled.
My point is that I felt such a dork how I handled it. Really uncomfortable and flustered. I think I would of quite liked to go but could not just say "yeah that would be nice".
Why couldn't I say that? Why did I feel so uncomfortable? Why couldn't I just accept the invitation for a new friendship at face value? Why am I such a dork??
Is it because I don't think anyone could fancy me because I still think I am not worth it?

I had counselling yesterday and we discussed this. I would be interested to see what the tribe think?
I even feel a dork for writing about this!!


Posts: 1233 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: england
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 9:57 PM, November 25th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((itsa)))
If the beauty and bravery you have shown in your 'battles' to survive has somehow made you a dork,
well,
then I am honored and proud to be seen as a dork too.

Please, can I be a dork with you?

Truly owning your responsibilities and choices comes with a price;

such fires!
yet you let them burn.
what wonder!
the heart burned gold within you?
let the stupid unhearing world call dork.
let it.
It is wonderful.
I would call you that instead.

What the world calls dork,
I call wonderful,
and itsa, and lied,
and
((((TRIBE)))))
you are deeper than you know


Posts: 6032 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
lied2
♀ Member
Member # 1807
Default  Posted: 11:01 PM, November 25th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Its I am the same way. I stumble over my tongue all the time when it comes to someone having an interest in me. I want to not do that but I do it anyways. Mind you I did before the ex as well. I think it is partly self-esteem and being a bit shy.

Its it is part of the healing I think. Getting back out there, making mistakes and learning through all of this. We have all been through so much and we have a paid a high price. We basically have to learn to walk all over again.

Thanks Jjct. You always have a way with words. I hope that you write lots of these poems down. I bet you could do a book or something.

(((((tribe))))))) I hope the quiet on here means everyone is doing well.


The grass isn't greener on the other side of the fence. It is astro turf.

The essence of love is not what we think or do or provide for others, but how much we give of ourselves.


A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.


Posts: 8196 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Ontario, Canada
woundedby2
♀ Member
Member # 18522
Default  Posted: 11:12 PM, November 25th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What the world calls dork,
I call wonderful,

Yes, I would agree. Itsa, you are an amazing woman. Smart and strong.

Lied is right: we have all been through so very much, and, yes, we have lost much of ourselves along the way. I think, ever so slowly, we WILL walk again with confidence.

Keep your head up and take baby steps. It's gonna be ok...

((((((Tribe))))))


Me: BS
2 kids: DD15 and DS18
Him: The Assclown NPD
OW: "friend" of 15 years
Divorced! Feb. 2010

Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson


Posts: 7636 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: SoCal
itsabattle
♀ Member
Member # 13036
Default  Posted: 12:46 AM, November 26th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks guys. I have decided that even if nothing comes of this guy's interest. Next time, if it ever happens again, I will just say yes to a man's offer of a drink. After all not everyone can have npd can they??
Love ya tribe!!

Posts: 1233 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: england
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