It is what it is.
Now, he's been dangling me for about 4 months with his desire to come home but at the last minute, indecision and we're right back where we started. During the whole time he was telling me he wanted to come back he behaved very sweetly to me whenever we had time to talk and would often admit how badly he screwed up and tell me that it was all his fault.
Well, since the last time I told him he could move back in and he balked, I've gone NC except for talking about the kids. Its been about a week and we haven't really had much conversation and yesterday he completely blew up at me because I asked him if he'd like to have the kids for bedtime on Christmas Eve - that I would go to a friend's Open House and let him have that time. He acted all hurt that we wouldn't be spending it together (we are going to be together at a family function earlier in the day) and told me "fine, go party it up" What????
So I try to tell him that the holiday is going to be hard enough and I don't want to spend extra time with him, we're going to be together for Christmas Day too! I'm like "how much do you want my heart to be broken, a little, a lot, completely shattered?" And he starts throwing stuff at me about how I broke his heart 10 years ago when I did this and that and that he's pissed at me because our friends and acquaintances are treating him differently as if I can control their opinions of how he left his family for a ho-bag. It just seems to me like now that I have shut off any discussion about getting back together and am obviously moving on with my life without him, he's starting to sling a bunch of shit at me. I mean, I don't think I've ever seen him that angry. And then of course, he play the hurt card which usually makes me want to make him feel better, but oddly enough did not have that effect this time.
After reading all these posts, I am getting really nervous about this new turn in his affect. We don't have a signed separation agreement and even though we agreed to co-petition for divorce and wrote the agreement together, I am worried that now he's going to make trouble.
Should I go back to acting like I'm buying his shit so that I can get him to sign the agreement? I feel like I am going to have to try to hide my real feelings to get him to cooperate. Help!!!
Even IF you got him to sign it, he will either 1) contest it later or 2) refuse to follow it anyway.
I know, from experience.
If he wanted to sign that thing, it would have already been done.
What I am saying is - if you want a divorce, get an attorney and file for one.
Things will likely get ugly, but not because of anything YOU did or do. Get something, in a court of law, that is iron clad, and charge him with contempt when he doesn't follow it.
We are in no contact and are dealing completely with the attorneys. He appears to still feel that he has done everything right and his secret life outside our marriage was justified. While I am quietly trying to heal and get through the process to the other side, he is continuing to find ways to be the victim.
I have the feeling that he will go to the wall in this divorce even to a jury trail with the belief that the jury will understand his need for love and romance with other women supported by his porn and on-line chats, his calls to escorts, and visits to massage parlors because he was so lonely while I traveling and working and providing for his hobbies and extra-marital activities.
Please share any advice that will help me prepare myself for what to expect. I am willing to go to a jury trial as well to represent what I have brought to the table in our marriage, both emotionally and financially, while staying true to our marriage vows.
[This message edited by betterdaysahead at 12:07 AM, December 19th (Friday)]
Welcome new ones. Dealing with the NPD is difficult, exhausting work. Divorcing one is even more so.
You will find yourself playing it as if it were a game. You almost really do have to "play" the NPD. There really is no negotiating with them. You will get nowhere fast. Even with an attorney it's grueling work - and expensive.
My STBXH NPD freak showed his true NPD colors yesterday at DS's counseling appt. He showed up there in order to make sure that he was able to tell the doctor what really happened between he and DS last week when they got into a physical fight. He was defensive and hostile in the doctor's office. He showed no empathy or understanding for DS's issues.
It was a stressful, emotional hour for me having to deal with him and his crap. I left feeling blah and kind of defeated, as the doctor didn't appear to be very upset my DS's story and the way his father was acting.
Well, imagine my delight when the doctor called me at home about an hour later to let me know that he filed an additional report with CPS! Sometimes the NPD is their own worst enemy, I think.
I just hope CPS will hear my son's story and see his father for what he is. This abuse has got to stop.
Hugs and strength to all of you. It's a rough time of year.
Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson
Tracy, Even if he signs the agreement if he's a true NPD he won't uphold that agreement anymore than he upheld your marriage vows. I'd leave it up to your attorney and stay NC.
Your story sounds just like mine. My XNPDH too was living a double life behind my back including OC, etc. He pushed the divorce to the wall and threatened to take it to trial as well. It went on FOREVER.
Stay NC. Remain UN-baitable. (he will likely try) Hopefully he's out of the house, if not do that. Change all bank accounts to your name or move your money to new accounts in your name. Change utilities to your name, change the locks, have your mail sent to a PO box, (he could go to the mail box when you're not home) get a big dog, add locks to gates and windows, install a video surveillance system that records, tell your neighbors to keep an eye on your house while you're gone. Find every receipt for everything, every deed, every piece of paper proving who paid for what, every canceled check, make copies and put the originals in a bank vault and put one copy with your attorney. Don't underestimate your NPD. When you ask "who is this man?" You don't know and believe me, it is better to be overly cautious than sorry later.
When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
OC born 2001
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)
He had some nerve showing up at that appointment. I am glad that the doctor seen through it.
I don't really like this time of year any more.
He admitted to me the other day that he's been driving by the house early in the morning to see if I'm up. He's also accusing me of seeing men and I'm worried that he's going to start invading my privacy in weird ways. Is that something I should be concerned about?
I'm worried that he's going to start invading my privacy in weird ways. Is that something I should be concerned about?
Yup. Mine has gone through a couple of different "stalking" phases. He was driving past the house at all hours. He would call in the morning to check up on me. He called a couple of times after 11:00 asking for sex. He entered my backyard one night and called to ask me to meet him out there for sex.
Please change the locks on your doors. Make sure your windows are locked and put locks or dowels in the tracks. And put a lock on the back gate too. Caller ID on your phones is a good idea also. Be extra vigilant.
Keep a log of these events. And call the police if you are truly frightened at any point. I'm so sorry that you are dealing with this.
A friend called today that had talked to my lovely STBXH. We go to mediation on Monday and he told our friend that he can't wait for them to stick it to me. He said he's done nothing wrong. Hmmm...let's see...cut off my credit cards, cell phone, my son's online game account, took all the money out of the joint account, isn't paying the mortgage on the house I live in, isn't paying the utilities, has only paid one payment of CS and alimony but owes more, has told the kids he's not buying them Christmas presents because that would be rewarding their bad behavior towards him (they don't want to talk to him nor see him).
My door bell rang at 2am this morning. I called the police but they didn't see anyone when they got here. They've put me on zone defense so that when they are out patrolling they will ride by my house and check it out. I told them what vehicles to keep an eye out for.
Never ever thought it would be like this...but I have to PAY for all I am doing wrong. It's my fault the kids don't want to see him. I'm brainwashing them against him. I guess the fact that he fucked a whore and left us for her has nothing to do with it...
My question is has anyone actually been harmed by one of these freaks. My STBXH seems to be esculating in his behavior. It's scary because he has changed so much that I don't know what he is really capable of. I don't know this person anymore. He has done everything that I never thought he would.
For me, that was the hardest part. Who was she? Certainly not whom I thought I married.
I hope that these guys find something else to do for the holidays and leave ya'll in peace.
I have no idea either. I no longer recognize the man I married so long ago. The vindictiveness is staggering. The cruel abuse of my children continues. His face looks angry. He is like a monster to me now.
I was not physically harmed by STBXH during his stalking stages, but he did remove things from the house, snoop through my stuff, and delete files from the computer. Of course, my son continues to be his target for the rage...
During the stalking stage, he was very sex-obsessed. And, yes, he was with OW at this time... When I was around him, he would leer at me and groped me on several occasions. However, a few days before we had actually separated, he did try to force me into sex, so I do believe that he is capable of physically harming me. I am No Contact as much as possible.
So, be prepared for anything. They're need for control will come out in ways that you never have thought possible. Be strong.
If the NPD has this new life with the OW, why the obsession with me? Why not hurry up and get the divorce over? Why is HE stalking and harassing ME when he is the one who destroyed the marriage? Why is he stalking me and causing me further pain when he is the one who had an affair?? It all seems so backwards.
I did get some of the answers or anyway partial answers to some of the questions....
Part of the "trap" in snagging the OW is playing the victim. He's not really having an affair with her, see? The marriage was over LONG ago. He sleeps on the sofa, has for a long time. His wife is this horrible monster who abuses him, is likely mentally ill, an alcoholic and probably addicted to drugs. The poor man has done everything he can to get away from this monster of a wife and he just doesn't know what to do. (boo-hoo) He seeks sympathy from whoever will listen. This could be the only OW or it could be #2, #3 or #10. But when ever the wife finds out, the fight is on and he is out of the house. Now, in the eyes of the OW (who has been convinced by WS-NPD that she is almost a saint and he doesn't know how he ever lived without her) you have just shown that you are the monster he has portrayed because you threw him out without even a conversation. Now the OW "encourages" the WS-NPD to "stand-up" and be "strong" to his abusive wife and insist on a "fair and equitable" divorce. It begins to go haywire from there. Pretty soom the whole situation has turned into the bizarro world. Everything is backwards. He has now turned into the victim and you are the aggressor standing there going, "Huh????"
I'm not in ANY WAY supporting or standing up for the OW. I'm just saying that an NPD is so convincing that he can bamboozle most anyone into believing most anything. A divorce is bad enough. You throw in infidelity and it's worse. You throw a NPD into the mix and it's a complete nightmare.
[This message edited by sadtoo at 7:44 AM, December 21st (Sunday)]
A divorce is bad enough. You throw in infidelity and it's worse. You throw a NPD into the mix and it's a complete nightmare.
Hope everyone has a peaceful Saturday. I'm praying for all of us.
Its been less than 2 weeks since I went NC except for talking about kids. He came to help decorate the tree last night and was very well behaved but over-solicitous, very curious when my cell phone would announce a text message (so much so I turned it off) and whenever he was near enough to me to touch me, he would do so - handing an ornament, hands brush ever so slightly, definitely laying it on thick. After the kids were tucked in, he made a move and I was literally afraid to say no. Is it just not possible to allow him in at all? Do I have to do the honk the horn to pickup the kids thing? Can't we co-parent without him thinking that is an invitation to re-enter his life?
I've been seeing someone too, started as a really good friendship and now is clear that its more than that. I am worried for what will happen when NPD finds out about it. I don't want to sneak around but I am afraid to get him angry now that he's shown this change in his behavior.
The biggest problem with this type of arrngement is that the NPD has no sense of boundaries and will never respect yours. You saw a glimpse of that decorating the tree. He doesn't think of you or repect you as a human being, you're his property and his for the taking. He'll steal a touch a squeeze, and it will escallate to who knows what. What's he doing when you're not watching him? Don't think he's not trying to get into your cell phone, planting a recording device on your home phone or other devious crap notorious with NPD's.
After the kids were tucked in, he made a move and I was literally afraid to say no.
What do you mean? Did you have sex with him out of fear? If so, this is exactly what I'm talking about. If not, this is exactly what could happen the next time he is in your house.
NPD's are bullies. They threaten, even if it's in a suptle manner. They give the impression it would be in your best interest to comply with their wishes.
Two weeks of NC and then he's at the house helping decorate the tree? If you're starting a new relationship, I think you should go to total NC and only communicate with him through email.