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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: N. P.D Thread - Part VI
TracyFace
♀ Member
Member # 21104
Default  Posted: 6:52 PM, December 21st (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, I'm ashamed to say that I felt like it would be asking for a confrontation to say no. His anger outbursts can be very scary and I just didn't want to deal with it.

The good thing about it though is that I now know that my feelings for him are gone. I didn't want to be doing that, I didn't want him at all. I have finally gotten him out of my system. Now, the question is how to get him out of my life without a big fight.

He did go upstairs several times. I assumed it was to use the bathroom - he requires privacy for that and wouldn't want to use the 1/2 bath downstairs. It never occurred to me that he might be looking for stuff or planting something. OMG.


Posts: 69 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: New England
peridot
♀ Member
Member # 18334
Default  Posted: 9:20 PM, December 21st (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Don't let him in your house anymore and change the locks if he has a key.

When you drop the kids off for visitation, do it in a public place.

Better yet, have someone else drop the kids off if you can.

Go back to NC.


I think...therefore, I'm single.

It is what it is.


Posts: 4488 | Registered: Feb 2008
woundedby2
♀ Member
Member # 18522
Default  Posted: 9:50 PM, December 21st (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

TracyFace -- your story is so similar to mine. Just thinking back to those days - the leering and groping - is kinda triggery. Mine was constantly asking for sex. Like you, I gave in once after separation, and it was awful. I felt horrible afterward.

I'm so sorry that you're having to go through all of this. Please be prepared for things to escalate.

You need to keep him out of your house. Set boundaries. My kids are dropped off curbside. He is not allowed in my house.

[This message edited by woundedby2 at 9:51 PM, December 21st (Sunday)]


Me: BS
2 kids: DD15 and DS18
Him: The Assclown NPD
OW: "friend" of 15 years
Divorced! Feb. 2010

Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson


Posts: 7633 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: SoCal
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 10:02 PM, December 21st (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If he has such a hair-trigger when it comes to his anger, you're not going to "get him out of your life without a big fight." Trust me, before your divorce is over he will be pissed off over something.

Try to remember that his anger up to this point has been used as a means to intimidate you. You need to spell out your boundaries and let him know that you intend on enforcing them. The most important thing is the enforcing part. If you tell him that he is no longer welcome in your home and you come home to find him car in your driveway and you have already changed the locks, call the police. Do not wait to give him a chance to talk his way out of it and threaten you or intimidate you into doing something you don't want to do.

Divorcing an NPD is never easy or without conflict. But, you can save yourself lots of drama by setting the boundaries early and never backpeddling.

I would change the locks right away and never let him back in the house. Never underestimate your NPD.


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7926 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
itsabattle
♀ Member
Member # 13036
Default  Posted: 3:00 AM, December 22nd (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Friendship is impossible as, like others have said, npd freaks do not respect your boundries. To have had sex to avoid confrontation is a terrible thing to do. Most of us on here know that feeling.
Take the advice from the wise folk on here and protect yourself. This will be the fight of your life but we will support you.

Posts: 1233 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: england
Dazed In Dixie
♀ Member
Member # 21178
Default  Posted: 4:56 AM, December 22nd (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have mediation today with mine...and not looking forward to it at all!

My oldest called him last night because he wants the money his father owes him...and STBX proceeded to tell him that the reason I filed for divorce first was so that I could have control. That he was planning on filing in January but I wanted to be able to control things. He then proceeded to tell him that he'd wanted a divorce years ago and that I had filed a few years ago. Now...that's not entirely true but not something a 14 yr old needs to hear. Those are details that should be kept private...not shared with your kids. I am so mad...
I guess that's part of the lack of boundaries..he doesn't get how to be a parent. He's trying to justify his behavior by making me look bad too...stupid, stupid man.


1-26-10 DIVORCED FINALLY
"Infidelity is like cat pee in carpet. And no matter how hard they try, an affair couple will never ever get that stink out. It will always follow them." -DCK

Posts: 742 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Atlanta
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 9:31 AM, December 22nd (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is HORRIBLE what they do to their own children.

This is so difficult to manage. But like everything else with the NPD, trying to defend yourself against his words will only hurt you further. Usually the best thing to say is something like, "I'm sorry your father feels that way. I am also sorry that your father made the choice to involve you in this very adult manner. That was very unfair of him."

Then stop. Don't say anything bad about the NPD. Take the high road every chance you get. Always remember, no matter how horrible he is, he is still their father. They need to realize what he is on their own and come to their own conclusion without any influence from you. As a side note, if there is abuse of any kind, call Child protective services or the police right away.

I've always believed that if you give an NPD enough rope, they will hang themselves. They don't need much help from anyone else.

I remember the many trials I went through with my XNPD. (mine was arrested and charged with violating PO's and other things) I would get up on the stand and answer simply yes or no. Since he was the defendent he had the choice to testify or not. He would always insist on testifying. It was always some rambling justification of jibber-jabber bull-shit that everyone (except the OW)in the courtroom saw right through, including the judge.

He was found guilty every time.

Here again, they think they are smarter than everyone.

In your case, your NPD thinks he's going to use his words to get your son to turn against you to support him, but in reality your son will likely see through the facade and turn against his father. Help your son see the truth, don't TELL what you believe the truth to be.


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7926 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
woundedby2
♀ Member
Member # 18522
Default  Posted: 9:39 AM, December 22nd (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((DiD)))))

What an asshat he is. SadToo's advice is spot-on. Let your son draw his own conclusions. My STBXH does these same types of things with my kids. It's horrible.

Good luck with mediation. Don't agree to anything that you aren't happy with. And don't sign off on anything unless you are certain that it is what you want.

Be strong. Stay cool and calm. He will get hot-headed and say dumbass things. Guaranteed.

Let us know how it goes.


Me: BS
2 kids: DD15 and DS18
Him: The Assclown NPD
OW: "friend" of 15 years
Divorced! Feb. 2010

Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson


Posts: 7633 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: SoCal
lied2
♀ Member
Member # 1807
Default  Posted: 12:54 PM, December 22nd (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dazed

The other piece of advice I would give for anyone dealing with a NPD is to make sure everything is written in stone. Include things like them having to give full contact infomation when they move (ie inform you X days before they move in writing ). Leave nothing to chance.

Do not use wording like "as agreed to by the parties" or in any way leave them the final say in things like visitation, medical care etc. Make sure you have final say in things and nail everything down. I know a few people that have struggled because their NPD refuses to agree to medical care or counceling and thus there is no agreement and the child is harmed because of it. The NPD will disagree to things just out of spite so don't leave it up to them.

If at all possible get sole custody and access at your discression. (That is what I have and it means I get the final say on everything...if he doesn't like it boohoo for him).


The grass isn't greener on the other side of the fence. It is astro turf.

The essence of love is not what we think or do or provide for others, but how much we give of ourselves.


A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.


Posts: 8196 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Ontario, Canada
TracyFace
♀ Member
Member # 21104
Default  Posted: 5:27 PM, December 22nd (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Okay. So here's what happened today. I had a day off and so did my new friend. We planned to spend the morning together. So, my stbxNPD texted me this am (he knew I had the day off) asking if he could come over and use my Internet to check his email. I told him that my friend would be here and that would be awkward. This started a barrage of texts and voicemails. I turned my phone off and when my friend was leaving checked it to find 12 missed calls, a bunch of texts (things like "please talk to me") and voice mails saying he wanted to talk.

I answered his last call and said "ok, come over and talk". When he came in he had tears in his eyes and spoke very calmly and said over and over that he knows now what he wants and its me, he loves me and always has but didn't believe that I loved him and that's why he pulled away. He says that if I can love him again, he'll spend the rest of his life trying to make me happy. I told him that the affair and all the lies were really the problem. He says "we've both done a lot of that" and when I started to question this statement, like, um, are you implying that I've done some lying, he completely changed direction and talked about how much he'd hurt me, yada, yada, yada.

Luckily I had a counseling appt schedule for later today and got a chance to talk it all through. I was really clear on how not healthy he is for me and how unhappy I was and not wanting that life back, and then he was here dropping off the kids tonight and he started in again and I could feel myself being pulled back in.

I'm so confused. And I feel that this is what he wants.


Posts: 69 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: New England
peridot
♀ Member
Member # 18334
Default  Posted: 8:15 PM, December 22nd (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You need to stop talking to him. Nothing has really changed. All he is doing is telling you what you want to hear.

You also need to keep him out of your house for your safety. There is no telling what these freaks will do.

I know that you want everything to be happily ever after. We all have been there. You have to realize that is never going to happen.

If he is really NPD then he is not capable of love. They think that they are in love but they really just don't get it.

It took me a long time to realize that.

I've done a lot of thinking since our seperation and looking back he has never once, in the ten years we were together, taken me in his arms until I was telling him goodbye for the last time. He never was there for me when I needed him. Believe me, in ten years there were plenty of times that I needed a shoulder to cry on.

When I had my c-section the nurse had to tell him to hold my hand.

That's what you have to look forward to.

I know this is hard. I still to this day find myself day dreaming about what might have been or what could be but then I rememeber what he has put his family through and that is not someone that I want to spend the rest of my life with.

Don't fall for his tricks.


I think...therefore, I'm single.

It is what it is.


Posts: 4488 | Registered: Feb 2008
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 10:15 PM, December 22nd (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He had his one last chance to win you back by laying it all on the line and telling you how sorry he is for cheating and hurting you like he's done. He now has a real opportunity to convince you to give him one more chance. Here it is, one last chance to give it his best shot....you tell him that the biggest and deepest hurt for you was his lies and that he cheated. And his response is:

He says "we've both done a lot of that"

What a selfish jackass.

Honey, PLEASE. Stop talking to him. Block his number, change your phone number, do what ever you have to do, but create some distance. This is not good.


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7926 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
WantingtheTruth
♀ Member
Member # 20889
Default  Posted: 10:29 PM, December 22nd (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

TracyFace,
If he is NPD, then everyone is really giving you good advice. He will not change. He beleives what he is saying but he is not capable of love as something that is based on valuing others and trust.

He believes he is justified for anything he does,he believes he is the victim and he beleives his lies. His version of reality is very different from yours.

Ask yourself if life with someone like this is what you want and something you can live with every day for years...then listen to your heart AND your head.

We all loved them...we understand your confusion and your pain.

(((TracyFace)))


The truth is easy to remember.
BW, 53, Divorcing WH
WH, 49, No truths, in denial
Married 14 years, together 20 years. Who is this man?

Posts: 91 | Registered: Sep 2008 | From: Georgia
itsabattle
♀ Member
Member # 13036
Default  Posted: 3:01 AM, December 23rd (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

These people do not love anyone, not even themselves, and that is part of the problem. They are so full of hate that they project their negativity onto everyone else so nothing is ever their fault. It's crazy.
There comes a point where nobody can put up with this lifestyle anymore. I mean who could?
It is like emerging from some sort of parallel universe. BUT, for your own sanity this has to happen. It is hard but nobody can live like this once the mask has slipped and you see the real person. An empty void. It's scary.
We all know because we have been there.
To the new ones on here, take the advice given because it is from people who have learnt the hard way.

To my dear friends, have a lovely christmas. I am going to my folks now for a few days so I am off-line for SI. It is two years since he left and I had the worst christmas ever. Life is easier now and more peaceful and a lot of that is down to you lot on this thread. Thank you for your friendship and I wish you a restful, calm christmas.


Posts: 1233 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: england
Dazed In Dixie
♀ Member
Member # 21178
Default  Posted: 7:17 AM, December 23rd (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mediation went as expected...it was declared an impasse. He didn't want to give me anything I asked for, of course but wanted everything for himself. I didn't speak to him...didn't look at him...my lawyer told me only speak to the mediator and my lawyer got STBX and his lawyer out of the room as fast as possible.

STBX had this smug look on his face when he walked in and a big crate full of papers, etc. What the heck was that about? dumb man...

So, he calls several times yesterday afterwards telling me he is letting his life insurance policy go because it's of no use to him and if I want to keep it, I need to pay it. There was an incident 3 years ago with a young man watching my kids. there was some stupid inappropriate behavior but STBX is now saying the kids were molested and he is going to bring this kid in to court to testify and try to prove me unfit because of it. Both of my kids heard that message and both said that he didn't molest them. So now my kids are going to have to go to court and testify that it never happened. It's a nightmare! And then he called back supposedly to talk to the kids..and he said, hey guys, I need your help. Mommy was married before and I need you to find out the guys name because I need it for legal reasons. Luckily, they didn't hear that message. That's not something they need to know. Doesn't concern them in the least nor does it affect this divorce.

I can't wait for my lawyers office to open. I want this stopped today. I don't intend to go through the holiday like this.


1-26-10 DIVORCED FINALLY
"Infidelity is like cat pee in carpet. And no matter how hard they try, an affair couple will never ever get that stink out. It will always follow them." -DCK

Posts: 742 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Atlanta
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 6:08 PM, December 23rd (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When he came in he had tears in his eyes...and said over and over that he knows now what he wants and its me

Your noting 'over and over' is a clue. Like it's an act, a repeated line in a play in his head, that he wants you to believe becomes truer with repetition.
And connecting his tears with his wants, notice?
His tears are manufactured from fear of not getting what he wants.
Did he have an onion in the car?
His tears are not about your pain, or the suffering he has put you through. (If he is NPD, your feelings and needs are abstract, an idea, a thought - but definitely secondary to his).


...he loves me and always has

well, except for that time or two, or four or twenty-
but this velvet-glove hides the clenched fist:

...but didn't believe that I loved him and that's why he pulled away.

and there it is! How cruel the hidden fist, that claims you didn't do enough to make him believe!
And there is a glimpse into the black hole where the normal soul resides.
See it?
Lemme guess...you pretty much busted your ass, covering for him, making things work, fixing things...close?
Yeah, thought so.

Now, keep stepping up to the plate, ya hear, because

if I can love him again
,

THEN

he'll spend the rest of his life trying to make me happy.

iow, Here...lay your neck out, right...here.

Even that's bassackwards. Typical. I'd say; "I'd do xyz for the rest of my life/trying to make you happy."
No ifs/thens, ands or buts.

I don't know if all abusers are NPD, but it sure looks like all Ns are abusers.

Reel in, spit out. Lather...etc.

I want to (((HUG YOU ALL))), and make it go away!


Posts: 6021 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
peridot
♀ Member
Member # 18334
Default  Posted: 10:11 PM, December 23rd (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Merry Christmas Everyone!


I think...therefore, I'm single.

It is what it is.


Posts: 4488 | Registered: Feb 2008
Dazed In Dixie
♀ Member
Member # 21178
Default  Posted: 6:51 AM, December 24th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The freak sent me an email yesterday telling me he was spending Christmas with the OW at the Grove Park Inn in Asheville, NC. Actually called the kids last night and left a message telling them he was going out of town..and told them the name of the hotel. (rooms start at around $400 a night and are probably more over Christmas)

He hasn't bought them anything for Christmas...hasn't given me any money for Christmas...didn't even ask them to spend time with him for Christmas. I had hoped he would have at least left presents on the porch for them...made an effort. Nope...he just wants to hurt me more and more and doesn't care how they feel about anything.

We are going to have a good Christmas no matter what.


1-26-10 DIVORCED FINALLY
"Infidelity is like cat pee in carpet. And no matter how hard they try, an affair couple will never ever get that stink out. It will always follow them." -DCK

Posts: 742 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Atlanta
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 7:26 AM, December 24th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Dazed)))
So sorry you're having to deal with one who derives pleasure from others' suffering.

It's a sad, empty, evil existence to be so heartless and cruel.

You can at least rest in knowing you are not any of that. You've got the integrity, character, and love that a hundred 400-buck-a-night hotel rooms can't buy.

((((a million hugs))))
jj


Posts: 6021 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
woundedby2
♀ Member
Member # 18522
Default  Posted: 11:19 AM, December 24th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((Tribe)))))

Dazed, what a complete ass he is. The things these monsters do to their own children sickens me. Give those kiddos tons of extra hugs. You are a great mom, and at the end of the day, that is what your children will know in their hearts. ((((DiD))))

Merry Christmas to all of my wonderful friends here on the NPD Thread!


Me: BS
2 kids: DD15 and DS18
Him: The Assclown NPD
OW: "friend" of 15 years
Divorced! Feb. 2010

Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson


Posts: 7633 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: SoCal
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