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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: N. P.D Thread - Part VI
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 11:14 AM, December 26th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WTD,
If he only has 5, there may be some hope. I think they have to have 7? I'm not sure as I'm not a licensed therapist.

A agree with the others that suicide is a manipulation ploy. I also suspect that he is more upset because he has been caught, not because he has hurt you and the kids. Also, not giving a direct answer (regret vs remorse) and directing the conversation back to "poor me I think I'll just commit suicide" is a big red flag.

Tracy,
If you have a conversation about boundaries and he responds in a loving and understanding manner, he is likely not NPD. If you tell a NON-npd who wants to make things work, he will do WHAT EVER HE NEEDS TO DO to make it work. An NPD will flip out, throw a huge fit, insist on having things his own way, and if you become more firm about your boundaries he may even threaten violent. I would suggest if things start down this road, end the face to face by pacifying him somehow and see the lawyer. You can go NC with him later without having a face to face.

Let us know how it goes. Good luck.

[This message edited by sadtoo at 11:17 AM, December 26th (Friday)]


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7927 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
TracyFace
♀ Member
Member # 21104
Default  Posted: 4:33 PM, December 26th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Maybe he's not NPD. He took it very well. I told him my friend was out of the picture because I didn't want him to think this was about him. I told him that the changes in the last few days had made me very uncomfortable, that I hadn't slept because I had to figure out what it was that was bothering me. I told him that I just didn't love him enough anymore and that the level of distrust and fear that I have when I'm around him is too high to even think about trying to fix our relationship. I am going to the lawyer this next week and I would like it if we could do mediation together.

His reaction...sharp intake of breath. Almost tears but not quite. Wouldn't look at me, very quiet. His hands were shaking. But I gotta say, I didn't buy any of it.

He agreed to just go to a lawyer together to get an agreement ironed out - we have one that I've written and he approved already so if he doesn't change his mind on everything, then it shouldn't take long.

I brought up boundaries and he said very little. He said "just send me an email with how you'd like things to be and I'll follow that".

Came to pick up the kids a 1/2 hour ago - wouldn't look at me but was fine with the business of the kids.

He's done this before, hang dog expression, don't worry, we'll do it your way and then sets about trying to change things slowly over time. I think only time will tell if he is really hearing that I am done.

If he didn't flip out and become angry, think he's not NPD? So, all around a crappy day. But I feel at peace that this was the right thing for me. But kinda waiting for the other shoe to drop, ya know?


Posts: 69 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: New England
peridot
♀ Member
Member # 18334
Default  Posted: 6:59 PM, December 26th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tracy get a signed written agreement fast before he changes his mind because he will, I promise. They all do in the end.

You have to remember that NPD's are good at trying to hide their true selves. This could be another one of those tricks.

Keep your guard up. He's being too nice. He's up to something.


I think...therefore, I'm single.

It is what it is.


Posts: 4488 | Registered: Feb 2008
WantingtheTruth
♀ Member
Member # 20889
Default  Posted: 8:48 PM, December 26th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

TracyFace,
You can surely tell that this group is concerned for you. You are getting good advice from all. You really do not want to be starting another relationship with the current dynamics with your marriage and your spouse.

If you do not feel you need more time to heal before being comfortable with getting into another relationship, you are either fooling yourself and desperately seeking something, you have not yet gotten far enough into the process to feel the wounds, or your spouse may not fit as NPD.

[This message edited by WantingtheTruth at 8:49 PM, December 26th (Friday)]


The truth is easy to remember.
BW, 53, Divorcing WH
WH, 49, No truths, in denial
Married 14 years, together 20 years. Who is this man?

Posts: 91 | Registered: Sep 2008 | From: Georgia
lied2
♀ Member
Member # 1807
Default  Posted: 9:23 PM, December 26th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The whole cheating and divorce thing causes wounds so even without a NPD spouse time is a good thing. Heaven knows none of us want to walk this road again.

These people are masters at hiding their real selves from others. There are definite degrees to which they suffer and likely some situations are far worse than others. Considering they fool even the professionals it is not surprising they fool us as well. Somepeople are toxic and not good to be around. In the end that is the evaluation that needs to be made. Is this person good for me to be in a relationship with?

I know that my ex is remarried and seems to be doing ok from th outside. Who knows, maybe he has met someone who is good for him and they can work around eachothers faults (I doubt it but who knows). more power to them Glad it's not me.

The best thing I did in all this was to work on me. I am a better person for it. I am far happier alone than I ever was with my ex.

Definitally get an agreement nail down ASAP. Once they realize that you are done with them then they usually turn, even the ones that are not totally crazy. They start wanting to have everything they can grab to fund their new life even if it harms their children. Cheaters tend to be selfish unless they see their faults and change. Boudaries are something everyone should practice regardless of what the state of the relationship is.

Hope everyone had a good holiday. Mine was not bad. Heck the kids came back in a decent mood from their father's and nothing bad appeared to happen. (breathing a sign of relief) The worst of it is over now.


The grass isn't greener on the other side of the fence. It is astro turf.

The essence of love is not what we think or do or provide for others, but how much we give of ourselves.


A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.


Posts: 8196 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Ontario, Canada
itsabattle
♀ Member
Member # 13036
Default  Posted: 3:09 AM, December 27th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When an npd freak is being nice - beware! They are definitly planning something! When they are nice they are lulling you into a false sense of security...usually before they drop something totally disgusting at your feet!

Tracy - sounds like yours is quite a good actor! Mine was the same. Act 1 Scene 3 required the sharp intake of breath, the mournful expression etc etc. Act 3 Scene 5 required him to accuse me of mental cruelty and take the kids home from them. You may just be getting what he thinks you expect from this part of the script.

The kids went to the ex yesterday. DD refuses to spend the night ever. They went at two, I had the phone call at three thirty from DD saying she wanted to come home! I collected her. The freak was furious with her as he was taking them to his family so it is "embarrassing" for him to explain his daughter's absence. Just deserts I say, as it is two years to the day I had to tell the kids that daddy wasn't coming home. How can he expect her to comply with his wishes when he is such an egocentric, arrogant pos!! Guess he will punish her by ignoring her birthday next week!! Loser!!


Posts: 1233 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: england
TracyFace
♀ Member
Member # 21104
Default  Posted: 7:52 AM, December 27th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You may be right about creating the false sense of security. I definitely didn't feel like that was real at all and I think there's more to come - probably just more of the same, turning on the charm in another week or something.

After he picked them up, I went out to Walmart for a while. Didn't really need anything, just felt like I should GO OUT since I didn't have the kids (LOL, big night out...Walmart). He texted me while I was there asking for the "boundaries". I told him I had to think about it and I'd rather get back to him tomorrow. I assume he was just checking on me to see if I was with my friend.

I'm not really sure what boundaries to lay out. I guess we can start with doing your scheduled child visitations, knocking on the door, not coming to the house unexpected and letting me have a good 6 months of no contact other than business of the kids so I can get used to this arrangement and see if he can follow those boundaries before loosening anything up.


Posts: 69 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: New England
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 11:35 AM, December 27th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

An excellent blog (referred to on another thread by ciao):

http://narcissists-suck.blogspot.com/

I just started reading, and am quite taken by the author's insights. She is spot on.
For one example, a few pages ago, we had been batting around the idea of what empathy is/is not, etc...
and I found her blog comments to be especially relevant on the issue.
Linking to another's comment:
They know just how to make everyone think that theyíre delightful. Narcissistic mothers...
(the particular focus of her blog, but still - highly related to our sitch's)
... are exceptional manipulators, and manipulators must be extremely aware, on a moment-by-moment basis, of the emotions of their targets. If you donít know what people are feeling, you canít push their buttons. Their exceptional sensitivity to the feelings of others is also the wellspring of their pleasure in inflicting emotional pain through dramas and no-win scenarios.

Gotta love it.
(((Tribe)))


Posts: 6024 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
TracyFace
♀ Member
Member # 21104
Default  Posted: 5:55 PM, December 28th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think that unfortunately I have to stop posting here. I am fairly certain that my stbx NPD has been lurking on this forum - hi Mark - because some of the things that he's said indicate to me that he's read my posts. So I'm feeling pretty sad that I have to give up this support, and thank you all for your advice and guidance.

Posts: 69 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: New England
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 9:02 PM, December 28th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Somehow, I'm not surprised.....

Tracy, if you need to communicate in a more "private" manner, let us know. There are way to do that where he won't know.

Mark,
You're so predictable.


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7927 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
peridot
♀ Member
Member # 18334
Default  Posted: 12:25 AM, December 29th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We're always a PM away. He can't read those.


I think...therefore, I'm single.

It is what it is.


Posts: 4488 | Registered: Feb 2008
itsabattle
♀ Member
Member # 13036
Default  Posted: 2:49 AM, December 29th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry to hear that Tracy - feel free to pm me as well if you need more privacy.
If only "Mark" would see this thread as a way to make changes for himself rather than a means of spying, it might be a good thing. But I doubt that.

Posts: 1233 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: england
lied2
♀ Member
Member # 1807
Default  Posted: 10:15 AM, December 29th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just Send us PMs. Also take some time to read back through our other threads because I would bet that some of the crap he is pulling has been an issue for one of us in the past. These jokers are almost carbon copies of the other especially since they don't have "real" emotions behind their action. They have to keep up the fake face as long as they can and then devalue you when they can't.

As for boundaries there are some good books out there that address that topic very well and are worth reading. Your local library probably has a few of them. The trick to boundaries in consistency and that part takes practice.

I am not convinved that these people could really see their actions even if someone took the time to show them how completely defective they are. They are convinced that everyone in the world is like this and they need to stab you in the back before you stab them.

I know the one thing that helped me know that I was making the right decision about the married was that the more time I spent away from my ex the better I felt about myself and my life. It was as if the black cloud walked out the door with him. It doesn't mean it has not been a hard road because the kids and I are still trying to heal the years of damage.

You will be ok whatever happens.


The grass isn't greener on the other side of the fence. It is astro turf.

The essence of love is not what we think or do or provide for others, but how much we give of ourselves.


A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.


Posts: 8196 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Ontario, Canada
peridot
♀ Member
Member # 18334
Default  Posted: 10:27 AM, December 29th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have been trying to do complete NC on my STBXH for about 3 months now. There has been times when he lured me back by doing something to the kids to get to me. Mostly I haven't talked to him though. Even in court I am not around him. It also helps that he hasn't bothered to call his kids in almost a month.

Each day I feel a little more at peace and a little more normal. It is gradual but even in the short time I have been trying complete NC I can see a difference in myself. I have even seen a change in the kids.


I think...therefore, I'm single.

It is what it is.


Posts: 4488 | Registered: Feb 2008
lied2
♀ Member
Member # 1807
Default  Posted: 11:37 AM, December 29th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good for you for doing the NC. I think it is in the NC that we really see how completely toxic these people are. My kids do so much better when they have had NC with their father. It is when he has contact that they act out the worst.


The grass isn't greener on the other side of the fence. It is astro turf.

The essence of love is not what we think or do or provide for others, but how much we give of ourselves.


A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.


Posts: 8196 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Ontario, Canada
StungAgain
♀ Member
Member # 13283
Default  Posted: 6:55 PM, December 29th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello friends, long time no talk. I wish I could say that life has been easy since i last posted here, but unfortunately it has been anything but.

To update you all,

I did move away, to another province. I did move in with friends, that turned out badly :(.

I dealt with EX NPD being a stalker, went to court for the sexual assault charges, they didn't stick, he has a current outstanding charge of contacting me outside of the NC order and surprise surprise, he figures he is above it (doesn't he always). Last I has to stay away from me for a further year and if he does as he is told the charges will be stayed. He had spent time in jail for about 60 charges of breaching of the NC, got beat up in jail, blamed me for the entire thing, no worries I know he is the one who broke the charges not me.

(thank goodness for my therapist that I have seen out here)

I have had to have contact him as I have not had the financial means to survive on my own as I had hoped.

I did apply for government help, which was a mere pennance, so i opted to register into college, school has been going well, until the government decided that I am not allowed to have support while I am in school 4 hours a day, apparently they consider that full time! So I get a part time job in a grocery store, at first the hours weren't bad about 20 hours a week, checks are weekly, was doing "ok". Well that all changed FAST, now I am getting about 4 to 8 hours a week!! I have asked for shifts 3 times in notes to my supervisor, but she says that she will do what she can, but that it is based on seniority and they work on down from that

Meanwhile ASSHAT is living high off the hog, is away on vacation, buying super expensive tv's etc. etc. meanwhile I am barely making it, never sure how I am going to get my rent, let alone cover any bills.

I have had nothing but constant trouble since I moved away from him. Makes a person wonder if I should have just shut up and stayed where I was???

As of late last night, my landlord advised me that I have to be out Feb. 1/09 as he and his fiance are moving and the owner of the house apparently has other plans for the house we live in. I am just fed up, when is it my turn for something non drama filled???

My course in College runs til June of 09 and I all I want to do is finish college, get a job as a mental health worker, and with any luck start to give back what has been given to me. But to be honest at the rate things are going, I may have to quit college and either consider moving back from where I lived, or try to find 2 more jobs, just to somehow survive. But that would mean giving up on college, and of course let's not forget about finding a place to live, that allows me to have my dogs and cats.

DRAMA DRAMA DRAMA make it stop someone!!


BS 41 (me)
H 42
'GOOD FRIENDS ARE LIKE STARS...
YOU DON'T ALWAYS SEE THEM,
BUT YOU KNOW THEY ARE ALWAYS THERE.'

Posts: 822 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: British Columbia,Canada
woundedby2
♀ Member
Member # 18522
Default  Posted: 8:09 PM, December 29th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((Stung)))))

I'm so sorry that you're having to deal with all of this -- at the same time!! Be strong. You will get through it.

((((Tracy))))
Feel free to PM me also.


Me: BS
2 kids: DD15 and DS18
Him: The Assclown NPD
OW: "friend" of 15 years
Divorced! Feb. 2010

Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson


Posts: 7635 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: SoCal
StungAgain
♀ Member
Member # 13283
Default  Posted: 8:23 PM, December 29th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Wounded, it hasn't been easy to say the least, but I am hoping that something has to give and soon!


BS 41 (me)
H 42
'GOOD FRIENDS ARE LIKE STARS...
YOU DON'T ALWAYS SEE THEM,
BUT YOU KNOW THEY ARE ALWAYS THERE.'

Posts: 822 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: British Columbia,Canada
lied2
♀ Member
Member # 1807
Default  Posted: 8:37 PM, December 29th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((STRUNG))))

Can you appeal for more support until you finish school? Maybe the college has bursaries they can get you based on finacial need. Sometimes they have those available to help students finish. Can't hurt to ask.


The grass isn't greener on the other side of the fence. It is astro turf.

The essence of love is not what we think or do or provide for others, but how much we give of ourselves.


A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.


Posts: 8196 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Ontario, Canada
lola99
♀ Member
Member # 13869
Default  Posted: 8:39 AM, December 30th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm trying to figure out if my H is a narcissist. A book is on its way: "Help I'm in Love with a Narcissist"...H has trouble "owning" his issues. He's a drinker. He's very controlling but doesn't recognize it. Little things that wouldn't both most people bother him. We can't cook together in the kitchen because I get "in his way." He takes the "whistler" off the tea pot because the noise bothers. When I'm at my vanity he turns down my light because it bothers his eyes. When I watch TV in the kitchen, he closes doors so he can't hear it, we can't both be in the walk in closet together because again I'm "in the way..." If he starts to blow his nose, I can't look at him or I'm invading his privacy. If he has to use the bathroom, I can't go anywhere near it...the privacy thing again....

Is this narcissistic behavior? Even if it isn't, it drives me crazy!!!


Me: BS, 55
Him: WH: 52, textbook NPD
1st EA (PA?): 1 year
2nd EA (PA? probably): 5 years to present
D-Day: Oct 28, 2006 (he started 'friendship' after meeting her on 4/28/05)
False R w/ narcissistic cake-eater
7/16/10: Filed for divorce

Posts: 395 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: I'm on Venus - H's on Mars...!
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