Keep reading, keep posting. I think you might be right too.
When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
OC born 2001 (I didn't know)
Remarried 2008 (Happy!)
The only way out is to do the opposite of what they want you to do. Cut the puppet strings as it were. It is hard to do because something you have no choice but to respond.
I am struggling again. I think this freaking snow and winter crap is back to bite me in the butt. I can't seem to get it together at all. I try to keep plugging ahead but at times it seems like I am running on a treadmill getting nowhere at all. I see people from my past and am half scared to talk to them because I don't want them to know what my life has become.
The essence of love is not what we think or do or provide for others, but how much we give of ourselves.
A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.
I'm just hoping that he shows his ass in front of the judge, if we ever get in front of him. This has been going on for almost a year and we have never seen the judge. We go to trial sometime soon though. So his day is coming.
Grownup, I have heard that most SA's are also NPD. I am pretty sure that my STBXH is.
I was once so vibrant and hopeful,, now I feel that I am damaged goods. Like you say, some times it is harder than others. Got to just keep plugging away.
In the divorce process with sizable assets. I am finding that his selfishness went beyond his need for love/romance/sex to support his ego and buried itself as deeply in managing our finances to take care of himself. Every action and deed is just on the fringes of gray. You can recognize his intent for taking care of himself. He has covered his tracks well.
I thought that once I could focus on the financial side rather than the emotional side of betrayl that the process would get easier.
I was wrong. I still feel as frantic and betrayed.
So I don't think that he really thinks he has a problem.
I never brought up the NPD. I could just see that going over really well.
One of the things I have noticed since our seperation...he would never let me use the credit cards for anything. When he found out I had he would get pissed. As soon as we seperated he began to use the credit cards for frivalous crap. Mostly stuff to support his addiction. Then he bought a car and started buying things for it. Now I did find a few things while we were married that he had bought but he paid cash, probably to keep me from finding out. The dumbass hid the receipts. Why he kept them I don't know but I found them when he walked out and I started going through everything in the house.
As fro remorse, the only thing they regret is getting caught. If they could keep up the mask a little longer then they would. Once you see them for who and what they are they usually will dump you or work to destroy you for daring to mess with them. They almost seem to nee to destory those they once valued because to just leave would mean that you could possibly harm them again in the future. If you are destroyed you would not dare come after them again and mess up their "new" life.
In a divorce the idea is equitable division of assets. In the NPD the only equitable division is for them to have it all (by whatever means) and you to have nothing. They will lie, hide, distort and usually enlist others (who they have convinced the are the innocent victims and need help against the vendictive spouse) in their plot to take anything and everything.
My ex even took things that belonged the kids when he moved out and kept trying to come back and get more stuff yrs after he moved out. He got more than 1/2 the contents of the house and yet he went to the judge over and over saying that he was entitled to more because he could not remember what was left in the house that was his because he has a seizure. He admitted he only wanted the "good stuff" and totally didn't care that I was still raising the 2 kids alone and needed some things to provide them with a home. Thankfully a fair amount of the items in the house were from my family and were things I had before we married. He would have taken alot more if he could have.
He demanded the sale of the house because "he" deserved a new place to live. He didn't give a crap that I was left to raise the 2 special needs kids alone. He would have prefered if I had to do it on the street. He totally lost it on his lawyer when he suggested that I was entitled to get spousal support as well as CS. (I am glad it was his lawyer that had said it and not mine. It was totally unreal. He went off the deep end.)
None of us are sick for wanting to truth and resolution of all this. It is just not going to happen because these people are mentally ill. They have, in effect, trained us to do some of their bidding by acting the way they do so we need to do some healing to be able to stand up to them and get out of the tangled web they have us ensnared in.
It is a real battle divorcing these people. You really need a lawyer who has the ability to deal with their brand of crap. Generally they make horrible clients and drive their lawyers up a wall and create problems were there are none. Unfortunately the only other way is to walk away and for most of us that is not an option.
WantingtheTruth are you in counceling?
Once he was exposed and the affair(s) and the OC(s) were discovered, all bets were off and I threw him out of the house. Then he went on a mission to destroy me. It was just like you said, how dare I ruin his secret life. It was like he deserved to have his girlfriends and his OC's and take money from our marital household and give it to them without me knowing. It was like he was entitled to lie to me and cheat on me. He was insulted that I found out and threw him out. I would have thought he would have gone away ashamed with his tail between his legs.
But oh no. That was not going to happen as long as he had anything to say about it.
Funny how they all seem to not understand the word "equitable" Mine never got it either. He only heard what he wanted to hear and then he stopped listening. We are a "no-fault" state and marital assets are split 50-50. The marital debt is subtracted, children are considered, personal assets prior to marriage are other considerations, etc. XNPDH never heard anything but 50-50. Never mind any debt, never mind any prior personal assets. He wanted it 50-50 and he wanted it in his version of 50-50. My fax machine never quit running (until it was out of paper) with his unbelievable proposals of property settlements. He would list things out and he would take EVERYTHING and in my column he would give me his old apartment furniture that had been in my garage for the last 5 years. He was going to take all of the household furniture that I had owned prior to our marriage.
He would list it out like this: I get a sofa. You get a sofa. It's 50-50. I get a pet. You get a pet.
He would send faxes stating that the sheriff was coming to forclose on the house on such-and-such date and he was "assisting" in this process. (he was a cop) He stated that he would be allowed to come into the house and take what ever he wanted before the house reposessed. Other times he would drive by and scream at the house, "Here comes the repo man!!!"
Don't forget that he was willing to spend $50K (His mommy and girlfriend's money) to end up with a tiny cash settlement and a few personal belongings. He also managed to drag out this horrible process for 2 years or better.
I STILL (many years later) get bills and telephone calls from bill collectors looking for him trying to collect on credit cards or loans. The ones that I have talked to say that he tells them that I am responsible for half of the bill and that he won't pay his half until I pay mine. Then they want me to prove that I wasn't ordered to pay half. I tell them, "This is in HIS name. If I am ordered to pay half of it, make him prove it. Until he does, leave me alone." I never hear any more from them.
I told you guys about his stupid lawyer.
And lie? He lied about EVERYTHING. He filed on me, so he was the agressor and I had to answer to everything. He and his attorneys filed so many motions it was insane. He filed a motion to have HIS horses retuned to Nebraska and claimed that I had illegally transported them over state lines and had "stolen" them. I had to file an emergency hearing just to prove that the horses were NOT owned by him, had never been owned by him and that my father and I had been their legal owners the entire time.
He pulled shit like that throughout the entire divorce process. It was maddening, but in the end all he accomplished was showing his true colors and the judge ended up so sick of him, he wouldn't even listen to him anymore.
He told everyone who would listen that the reason why we got a divorce was because I was (am) a drug addict and a drug dealer. I'm also a con-artist and an alcoholic. When people would act shocked, he would say, "Oh I know. I'm a police officer. She's the best I've ever seen." Most people didn't believe him, but there were those who did. Never mind the OC who was old as we were married.
I don't think I have ever found out the whole truth about him. I really dug after I threw him out. I made myself so sick in my discoveries that I quit looking. I just didn't want to know any more. The only thing about him that was true was his name. I felt foolish, embarassed, and completely stupid.
Even though we were only married for five years, I'll bet I spend 4 1/2 of those years hoping it would get better. I kick myself in the ass for that too. I never tried so hard at anything in my life. I put up with so much. The lies, the screaming, the yelling, the temper tantrums, the drinking, the craziness, the trouble he would get into, the firing from his jobs, ugh. Makes me tired just remembering.
I have a hard time around this time of year too. I don't know why. He ruined so many holidays, it's nice to have them wonderful again. Maybe it's because I see lots of old friends and he always seems to come up. There were a couple of friends that brought him up this season and it was strange. Both of them had seen him at either a restaurant or a retail store. (Seperate times and locations) These were people that we socialized with on a regular basis. Both said they said hello to him. Both of these couples got the same reaction from him, "Hello, do I know you....?" They both said that they told him their names and he shrugged his shoulders and said, "Sorry" and walked off.
How weird is that??
It's good to see my old friends, but it's also so embarassing. How could I not have seen what I freak he was?
I just feel disconnected from the world around me. The ongoing sacrifices are taking their toll on me. I can't say I am happy or at peace with where I am in my life. I have no idea how to get to a better place.
The time involved and the discovery and positioning in the divorce process is maddening, especially with a spouse that believes his own lies and feels justified for all of his extra marital activities. Of course, these were my fault. According to his version, he has done everything right in our marriage and is entitled to more than is "fair and equitable". The selfishness and sense of entitlement is so bizarre. Like others here, he has sent me his offer of division of assets with such an unequitable representation for himself, while threatening me with various things including humiliating me (as if I could be any further or more deeply humiliated), destroying me (which every word out of his mouth and every action he has made so far has been designed to destroy me completely and emotionally). I know he has hidden so much of our assets in ways and places I will probably never be able to track or prove.
The punishment for being married to one of these personalities is such a long, dark, and deep journey. I am going to need your help and support through this.
Keep reminding me that there has to be an ending sometime, someday, that gets him completely out of my life. Keep letting me know what to expect through each stage of this divorce. Help me stay strong and not feel frantic and just worn out emotionally.
(edited for spelling)
[This message edited by WantingtheTruth at 7:16 PM, January 13th (Tuesday)]
I avoid EVERYTHING that has even the slightest possibility of having XNPDH and OW/fiance'/wife (whatever she is) there. I went to a wedding of mutual friends several years ago and assumed that everyone would act appropriately at a wedding. I couldn't have been more wrong. It was a horrible scene.
I've had to make many, many changes in my life because of him. But since I've gotten used to the changes and it's been so many years, things are good. The only time that I have to "go back" and see some of my old friends is like I say during the holidays.
It will end someday. Stay the course and stay focused. We'll be here to help.
The one thing you have in your corner is TRUTH.
these ladies know their pets!
don't trust 'em.
Don't even tell them you don't trust them.
Lotsa help from the wise heads, links n stuff, on the first thread if you're new here. See sig.
(((HUGS TO ALL)))
I just see glimpses of your story but your journey also seems to have been long and difficult.
It sometimes is overwhelming just realizing the sheer numbers of people that are in this same boat. Even more overwhelming is realizing how much time it really takes to discover and then recover.
Please send me some good vibes folks as I am really struggling today. If me ex-husband had been a decent man I would be finding today a little easier. Life is hard sometimes.
My grandfather died almost 10 yrs ago. I know it sounds corny but I sometimes think that he and God must be watching over me because there have been so many times this year where I should have just failed but somehow everything has worked out so far.
Do you have anyone else that you can lean on today?
I'll share a story with you:
My beloved grandfather died while I was still married to XNPDH and things were really bad. Then shortly after he died, I had to put my beloved dog to sleep. Molly had been with me for 16 years.
My sister's daughter was three at the time. Sometimes she would wake up at night crying. My sister would go into her room to soothe her. She would ask her what was wrong. My niece would respond:
"Well, Grandpa Pete came to check on us....and he brought Molly with him. She was so happy to see me, she started jumping on my bed while I was trying to sleep."
My sister who was taken aback and wanting more information asked, "Where's Grandpa Pete?"
"Right there in the window. He comes to check on everyone in the family. He checks on all of us"
I was having such a hard time with everything at the time. So when my sister called to tell me this story, it was almost like the weight of the world had been lifted. Just to think that my beloved grandpa was still watching over us was so comforting. And then that he was caring for my Molly!
They say that children can tap into the other side, but as we get older we lose that ability. I believe that.
Your nan will be with you too, Itsa. I'm sure of it.
(((((Hugs and Prayers)))))