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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: N. P.D Thread - Part VI
peridot
♀ Member
Member # 18334
Default  Posted: 11:00 AM, January 14th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I also have a similar story. When my STBXH walked out he decided to assault me first. I was freaked out and scared, so were the kids. They seen alot of what he has done to me including that night so we went to stay at my grandmother's house.

I have always felt like my grandfather was there and it's the one place I can go and feel at peace.

My son woke up saying that he seen a man standing over the bed. We were in the same room. I didn't see anyone. I asked him to describe the man and he described my grandfather.

Since then the kids have stayed over there and he has mentioned seeing the man one time since then.

My grandfather was always the one person that I could go to. I really believe that he has been watching over me since he passed.


I think...therefore, I'm single.

It is what it is.


Posts: 4488 | Registered: Feb 2008
MaleableReality
♀ Member
Member # 22451
Default  Posted: 12:32 PM, January 14th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((itsabattle))))

Its always crappy to lose a loved one but worse when you really lean on that person. Sorry.


Posts: 64 | Registered: Jan 2009
grownup
♀ Member
Member # 22285
Default  Posted: 1:41 PM, January 14th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((its a battle))))

((((sadtoo))))just read your profile Woman, you are an incredible person.


Me:44
Him:44 SA
Married:14 years
D-day: too many, final Nov 8, 2008
Separating ,he's on the run

Posts: 153 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: alberta
lied2
♀ Member
Member # 1807
Default  Posted: 2:29 PM, January 14th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((ITS))))

I know that I lost my grandmother a few months before my divorce was final. It was a difficult time and I know that she loved me and the boys greatly. I do believe that if they can watch over us from the beyond that they do.

Its make sure you get some rest and cut yourself some slack today.


The grass isn't greener on the other side of the fence. It is astro turf.

The essence of love is not what we think or do or provide for others, but how much we give of ourselves.


A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.


Posts: 8196 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Ontario, Canada
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 5:11 PM, January 14th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for the kind words. The truth is, I'm not any different than any of you. I'm just maybe further down the road in my healing.

Yes it was a horrible time, but I hope I can be an example of what all of you can overcome. It takes hard work, persistance, time, sacrifices and sometimes even more pain. But it does get better. You may have scars and you may have bad days, but overall it will and can become better.

Keep the faith.

(My prayers are with you and your family, Itsa)


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7927 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
woundedby2
♀ Member
Member # 18522
Default  Posted: 7:04 PM, January 14th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Catwoman started this hilarious post in S/D. Check it out! "The Narcissist's Picnic": http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=272563

(((((((((Tribe)))))))))


Me: BS
2 kids: DD15 and DS18
Him: The Assclown NPD
OW: "friend" of 15 years
Divorced! Feb. 2010

Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson


Posts: 7635 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: SoCal
itsabattle
♀ Member
Member # 13036
Default  Posted: 2:50 AM, January 17th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'd like to ask you a question. Since my marriage ended with the freak I have been left prone to panic attacks, I think I have mentioned this before. Has anyone else had these. I am trying to understand why I am like this now and I think it is due to the following:

looking after two kids is difficult and I worry what will happen if something happens to me.

I feel financially responsible.

I keep worrying about my health all of time.

I think I have missed the boat and my life is disappointing.

I lot of these things I can rationalise to some degree but they keep coming back. I was not like this before him. The dr thinks I am depressed and having panic attacks and has given me some medication. I do feel reluctant to take them though. I feel it might not really help and I want to get through this without medication.
I cannot believe one person could of done all of this to me. I want to know when it will end feeling like this - I have done the counselling and tried to do as they advise. I am in a bit of a rut here and I don't like it.

Do you have any advice and I hope you know where I am coming from. Well, I don't because it is a rubbish place to be but you know what I mean!


Posts: 1233 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: england
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 3:17 AM, January 17th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've been on antidepressants and anti anxiety meds since before my divorce. After the divorce was over I tried going off for awhile but it was too hard. I was too anxious, had racing thoughts, obsessive thinking, lack of concentration. I went back on. It might be more NPD fallout.

I was afraid to take the meds in the beginning too. But they have probably saved my life. I know they have kept me sane. They have come along way with these type of drugs in the last few years.

[This message edited by sadtoo at 3:21 AM, January 17th (Saturday)]


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7927 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
Heartless Bytchh
♀ Member
Member # 12347
Default  Posted: 5:13 PM, January 17th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think I have missed the boat and my life is disappointing.

Itsa, I feel like my boat has sunk and my life is at a point of what's the use?
Not just because of infidelity and divorce.
It's an accumulation of so many things.
So many bad things over the years.


Woodchipper pretty much trumps everything.-Rufus Turner
Sometimes I feel like SI is that person who says... "if you can't say anything nice... come sit by me!"-rumorhasit

Posts: 6061 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Another day in Paradise
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 7:04 PM, January 17th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HB,
I can't even begin to imagine the kind of pain you have been through. (((HB)))

Throughout my life I have been an outgoing optimistic person. I was always the one who saw that the glass was 1/2 full.

I know for a long time even during the last year or so with my XNPDH that all began to change. I felt sad, hopeless and I felt this impending feeling of doom. It would not go away and I could not shake it no matter what I did.

Things started to go bad in my life. Not only my marriage, but I had been laid off my job. My grandfather had passed away and it was a slow and miserable death. I had to put my dog to sleep. Then, my best girlfriend was killed instantly in a head-on car collision. She fell asleep and crossed the center line one night coming home after a house call with one of her patients. It just seemed like everything was collapsing in on my life.

Then the morning of September 11, 2001 happened. I remember feeling completely numb. I watched that horrible day unfold on television hour after horrible hour. I can't remember if it was that day or the next day that they stopped all flights. I had gone outside on my back patio to smoke. (I've since quit) I was amazed by how quiet the skies could be with no plane traffic. It was then that the Air Force fighter jets zipped over my house with Air Force One and President Bush right behind it. It was an unbelievable sight. They were so low that it seemed I could throw a rock and hit the side of the plane. The were heading to Offut Air Force Base here in Bellevue. It's just south of where I live. I remember thinking, "This must be it. This must be why I've had this feeling of doom."

But things never seemed to get any better. It seemed as though my life had spun out of control. Everything had fallen apart and he just walked out and started a "new life" with his new honey. I was left to pick up the pieces.

Once he was gone, I thought that things would start to get better, but it was almost like things got even worse. I was so in the dark about what he had been doing that I had to go through the discovery process all over again on a completely different level.

I experienced so much shame and so much embarassment, I could hardly deal with it.

I began to question everything. Who were my friends? Did they know? Were they covering up for him? Were they lying to me too? Were they avoiding me because they just didn't want to get involved, or was it because they believed his lies? How deep did this go? Is it me? Am I paranoid?

I felt as though my life had been a disapointment too. I had "missed the boat" by choosing the biggest piece of shit husband anyone could choose. I gave him the best years of my life. I gave up my last chances of having a family of my own and faced the very real possibility of being alone.

Once I started taking the meds and stayed on the medication realizing that it could be for life and found the right "cocktail" for me, things began to improve. Slowly I started to become more optimistic and I even began seeing the good in people again. It has taken a long time. I'm not saying that I don't have my bad days. But my bad days aren't near as often and they don't last near as long.

[This message edited by sadtoo at 7:09 PM, January 17th (Saturday)]


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7927 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
woundedby2
♀ Member
Member # 18522
Default  Posted: 7:19 PM, January 17th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((((everyone)))))))

I'm on the AD's too. I also went off them for a couple of months, but had to start up again. I was suffering horrible insomnia, and things were just hitting me too hard emotionally.

I do think it's NPD fall-out. When a person has been shaken to the core like we all have, there has to be residual effects.

Figure we all had to re-examine our entire realities. We were made to feel like crazies. Most (all?) of us were surely battered and abused. Maybe it's PTSD? Whatever it is, it's clearly left us shaken and anxious.

Sometimes I wonder how any of us have survived through all of this. You are a great bunch of people. I'm so thankful to have a support group like this.

Hugs and prayers for you all.


Me: BS
2 kids: DD15 and DS18
Him: The Assclown NPD
OW: "friend" of 15 years
Divorced! Feb. 2010

Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson


Posts: 7635 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: SoCal
Heartless Bytchh
♀ Member
Member # 12347
Helpless  Posted: 8:54 PM, January 17th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I gave up my last chances of having a family of my own and faced the very real possibility of being alone.

I feel like his actions and decisions destroyed my family.
The kids were really devastated by their dad putting his OW's before his family.
He spent all his time with them instead of the kids.
In fact, he'd take time off work to spend time with them.
He made a lot less $$$ that year and didn't care.
I guess the high of r(ho)mance made it worth his while.
In 2005 before I found out what was going on, he spent every moment he could at their house instead of coming home to us.
His excuse was "Oh, the truck's in the shop".
Dumbass me believed it every time.

We had 2 kids in this M.
I lost one last yr.
One of the things that really bugs me is I'm done having kids.
I can't have any more.
But he can still have more kids.
He has 3 living kids from his first M and one living kid from our M.
Niki was my only daughter.
He has 2 others by his first wife.
I wanted to be a part of their lives especially after losing Niki but I wasn't allowed that.

I do think it's NPD fall-out. When a person has been shaken to the core like we all have, there has to be residual effects.

That's entirely possible.
Maybe that's what I'm having trouble with these days.

I'm tired of bad things happening to me all my life.
I'm tired of having to be strong.
I'm a good person.
I no longer believe in Karma.
Karma has kicked my ass and I don't even know why.
What did I do that was so evil?
Who did I kill?
Where do I go from here?
Why even bother trying?
What returns can I expect?

I no longer see any happiness in my future.
Just years of dullness and pain.
Meanwhile, he's got the good life financially etc.
He's got his wimminz, more spending $$$$, no accountability to anyone but himself.
He's got 4 out of 6 of his kids still living.
I only have 1 of 2 living.
Just another little twist of Karma's knife in my back.

[This message edited by Heartless Bytchh at 9:34 PM, January 17th (Saturday)]


Woodchipper pretty much trumps everything.-Rufus Turner
Sometimes I feel like SI is that person who says... "if you can't say anything nice... come sit by me!"-rumorhasit

Posts: 6061 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Another day in Paradise
lied2
♀ Member
Member # 1807
Default  Posted: 10:29 PM, January 17th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((HUGS)))) to everyone.

The fall-out from all this crap does drive us to find out what really matters in life and somehow dig deep to find hope of some kind.

When we lose someone close to us it takes some real time and often help to find the hope again. HB I have no idea how you keep going. I don't know that I would do better (more likely I would do worse because at this point my kids keep me getting up in the morning)

I know that what has helped me is to conside how much worse it could be. You look back at people who live in some other countries and they have NOTHING. They have no clothing, shelter or food. They have no hope for things to get better. THAT would be horrible. We have hope even when things are difficult.

I half wonder if part of the problem is not our culture. We want more and more. We listen to the media and let them decide what is good and bad and what we want for our lives. I guess I think that people need to dig much deeper and find out what really matters in life.

Last night I saw this movie called Ghost town. It was not a great movie but the point was good. The only way the people could move on was when they got out of the selfish zone and helped someone else. I think at times people in our society are so wrapped up in themselves and their lives that they forget that there are people around them that they could help and that helping could be the way to make their lives wonderful and happy.

I find I get caught up in the awefulization (is that a word?). Feeling like my life should be something different. But it isn't and there isn't anything I can do to change what has happened but I can try and find the good pieces now and work towards something better for the future even if it is little things. I can't ditch the kids and remake my life like the ex has. I have years of child rearing ahead of me and I find it overwelming but I will get there somehow. My kids deserve to have as much happiness as I can give them now even if it is in the little things because they really matter more than stuff and money.

We just have to keep plugging and believe that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.


The grass isn't greener on the other side of the fence. It is astro turf.

The essence of love is not what we think or do or provide for others, but how much we give of ourselves.


A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.


Posts: 8196 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Ontario, Canada
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 10:53 PM, January 17th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

yes. it's a word lied.
it is NOW!
(((HUGS TO ALL)))

Posts: 6021 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
peridot
♀ Member
Member # 18334
Default  Posted: 11:43 PM, January 17th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was diagnosed with PTSD. One of the symptoms is panic attacks. My IC gave me some CD's that help relax me.

She told me that with all I have been through it's no wonder that I have problems.

I think that would go for just about everyone in this thread. Some of the shit we have had to deal with is just unreal.

My biggest problem has been just functioning and making it through everyday shit.

I just take things one day at a time and I have slowly gotten better but I still have a ways to go.


I think...therefore, I'm single.

It is what it is.


Posts: 4488 | Registered: Feb 2008
itsabattle
♀ Member
Member # 13036
Default  Posted: 3:19 AM, January 18th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you everyone, your words are a real comfort to me. I havn't taken the tablets yet but I feel reassured that I have them.
I can relate to a lot of what you have said and it helps to know that you understand. I went swimming yesterday as the dr says I need to boost my seratonin levels so I am going to focus on ways of boosting myself before/if I take the tablets.
I work as a teacher and I really enjoy helping my lovely students acheive their potential. I agree with you Lied, helping others is a way of looking out of oneself again. If it wasn't for my job I would be in an even worse place. I love the optimism of the teenagers I teach as it reminds me of what I used to be and what I am aiming for again.
I have also signed up for a dating agency on-line! Just to see what is out there!! I remember my nan saying to me that I need to branch out a little bit when I can. Lots of people have said this but she is the one I am choosing to listen to now.

Thank you so much everyone for sharing your feelings - it makes me feel a lot more "normal"

HB - you are an amazing woman to survive what God has given you to deal with. You have my absolute respect, my friend. Life will be different to how you wanted it to be but I am sure you will find the peace you deserve.


Posts: 1233 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: england
Heartless Bytchh
♀ Member
Member # 12347
Default  Posted: 3:50 AM, January 18th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good point, L2.
I think a lot of people get caught up in the rat race of getting more and more and bigger and bigger possessions.

I just wanted enough to be comfortable and not have to worry about being able to pay my bills.

Itsa,it sounds like you are pulling your life back together.
Kudos to you, mate!

Peridot,I think you are doing well,also.
PTSD is a rough ride to handle.
I don't know how you cope with it on a daily basis.
I think I can see a difference in you from when you first started posting here.

JJ, dammitjim!


Woodchipper pretty much trumps everything.-Rufus Turner
Sometimes I feel like SI is that person who says... "if you can't say anything nice... come sit by me!"-rumorhasit

Posts: 6061 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Another day in Paradise
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 2:08 PM, January 18th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I love all of you guys. I wish I could handle it better, and make things right, fix it for everyone...
But after reading your stories, it's hard to string two coherent words together sometimes, and I just end up praying.

It's a beautiful day here today. Actually, I'm a little hinkey right now, because one of those google ads had:
"(my location) couples counselor".
NBD really, it figures there's ISP tracking in the ads, it's just some of my paranoia being tweaked, I guess, seeing's the lengths I've gone to - to remain hidden from her.
(we are 200 miles apart, she lives with her mom & D. Her son comes home from college about every weekend, so he's there too.)
Her D (my SD) decided to return from the boarding-school (i had been contributing $ for it), and her mom's understandably not exactly pleased with the crowd.
Of course, it's my fault.

After reading a thread over on SD, I got to thinking about my need to heal, and why it has been delayed.
The need to confront and unmask has been driving me.
Rather, my stubborn clinging to the fantasy of some 'final outing' - in front of a counselor perhaps? (some objective, 3rd-party).
Someone with whom I can exchange understanding looks, and words....like; "wow! how have you been dealing with all this?"

The good news is that in my fantasy, I've discovered that I want to do it for that - the validation,
from some other.
Which means that I have reached the beginning of acceptance, because notice?
It isn't her I'm expecting any kind of anything at all from!

(Well, nothing but the usual NPD picnic-fare - great thread by cat, btw...we could all use a laugh!)

I think I'm just about to let my little 'outing/unmasking' fantasy go too...
I tell myself that I keep in touch (by phone), and play all nice when she lies and rages (whenever I try to get close to any reasons for her actions) - are because I want to delay the inevitable cruelty and completely expected attempts at destruction of my life.

I'm not all that happy with it right now, but to survive and keep my head above the emotional waters, I've had to turn my focus to distant shores, let's say.
And really not fear those who can kill my body.
Only the soul-stealers.
I aint havin that.

(((((((TRIBE)))))))


Posts: 6021 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
woundedby2
♀ Member
Member # 18522
Default  Posted: 3:07 PM, January 18th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Itsa -- I hope you're feeling better today. I've never had a panic attack, but I've witnessed my son having several. I'm so sorry that you're experiencing them. My son, btw, has not had a panic attack since starting at the very lowest dose of Zoloft.

HB-- You have been through so much in the last year. More than any person should have to go through ever. I don't know why you have been given such a heavy burden to bear, but you have done so well just to have gotten through to this point. I know you are tired. But, truly, you ARE an incredibly strong person. You have helped so many even while in the midst of tremendous pain. I admire you so much!

jj -- The need to "play nice" with your NPD, I understand. You do realize though that this playing nice comes at a great price to your self-esteem and your healing, right? You are right, you are only delaying the inevitable, but when the time comes, I know that time and this place have shown you how to deal with the NPD. When you are finally able to go NC with her, then the real healing will begin.

(((((Tribe)))))


Me: BS
2 kids: DD15 and DS18
Him: The Assclown NPD
OW: "friend" of 15 years
Divorced! Feb. 2010

Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson


Posts: 7635 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: SoCal
lied2
♀ Member
Member # 1807
Default  Posted: 3:56 PM, January 18th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I do think that when I found out about my ex's cheating I did end up with PTSD for a while. I would cry until I would throw-up and not be able to stop. I would get images and flashbacks of thing he has said and did as well as horrible panic attacks that sometimes would last for an hour or more. I clearly remember one panic attack that I layed on the couch thinking I was going to die one night for 4 hrs with my heart racing and it was all I could do to try and breathe.

JJCT one day you will be able to look back on all this and know that you have lived through hell.

I know when I tell people about my life and the stuff I have gone through if I didn't bring some of it on myself or somehow if the things in my life were worse because of something I did. I wish my life was less difficult because I find myself embarassed that life is so difficult for me and my boys and that I have had to get help at times. I long for peace and order.


The grass isn't greener on the other side of the fence. It is astro turf.

The essence of love is not what we think or do or provide for others, but how much we give of ourselves.


A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.


Posts: 8196 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Ontario, Canada
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