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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: N. P.D Thread - Part VI
itsabattle
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Member # 13036
Default  Posted: 4:29 PM, March 3rd (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah mine is the same! My daughter was talking about her dad's house a couple of days ago and it sounds like a replica of mine! With all the crappy do it yourself jobs!! My dd said "mom how do you know dad's house is like this" I said because he never changes. Same old script but different actors. Absolute bullshit all round.

I love been single especially if he was the alternative!


Posts: 1233 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: england
somer222
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Member # 21377
Default  Posted: 5:45 PM, March 3rd (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

On the subject of counseling, my ex didn't like counseling, particularly after the first counselor we saw (at my insistence) really honed in on him and made some statements about her observations about him that really freaked me out.

We were newly married at the time, just three months, and I discovered he was trying to start up an email exchange with a woman over the Internet. She never responded back to him, but I freaked out when I found his email to her, and he couldn't explain why he did that so I told him counseling or I am getting a divorce.

Examples of things the counselor said: "it is like your personality never really formed", "you are highly manipulative", etc.

That should have been a huge red flag but I was in LOVE and I couldn't believe my sweet and handsome husband could possibly be seriously "disordered".

That counselor ended our last session by telling me that I did not need to come back but that she wanted to see him again so he could undergo some testing. She was not specific what the testing was for. We left her office and he was crying saying "is there something wrong with me?" and I felt really sorry for him. He did not go back and I let it go, my bad, but I didn't know what I was dealing with. How I paid for being so loving.

Last year, I came home one day from work (a few months before D day) and he was all excited. He had found a counselor and he called her and talked to her and made an appointment for us. The reason he thought we should go was because he didn't think I was happy in my business. He said he worried about my stress level.

Ok. I was generally unhappy with every area of my life -mainly the fact that he worked sporadically, and had all of these get rich quick schemes I had to deal with, meaning these schemes cost money and we fought about them constantly. He wouldn't focus on anything and he had me going in circles all of the time with one thing or another.

I was having to put in hideous hours to make ends meet and he wasn't helping much. I was totally exhausted. Too exhausted to even think clearly anymore.

I knew something was wrong as I'd never felt so down in my entire life and I agreed to see this counselor, thinking it might help. We saw her twice a week for three months.

In each meeting, he would tell the counselor how much he loved me and how I needed to get away from the stress. He was worried about me. The only solution he could think of would be for me to cash out of my business and that with the money, we could pay off our debts, sell our house and move to the mountains and get away from all of the problems.

My paycheck was the only security we had! Plus I've spent 27 years building this business of mine. I didn't want to cash out. I wanted him to be a full partner in our marriage. I also did not want to move 800 miles away from my parents. I'm very close to them.

I was highly resistant to what he was proposing. In counseling, I asked him what his plans were after that money ran out - how could we get jobs in the middle of nowhere? What about health insurance? You know - practical things that need to be addressed so you can live a decent life. He didn't have a plan.

But the counselor joined forces with him. She told me I HAD to do it. She was a fricking life coach and said that in order to get from point A to point B, changes needed to be made so we could be happy. And that I was so lucky I had a husband who loved me so much, yada yada. She told me the "only way" we could be truly happy was to follow his plan for us.

Well, it became clear why he wanted me to quit and cash out, which I did not do. THANK GOD. Just a few weeks later, I got a call from a stripper/prostitute and she told me about their affair, which had been going on for months (it started before he proposed the counseling). I was shocked and did some searching and found he was shelling out $400 a pop for her (and I found another one, too). The best part - the one who called me was blackmailing him for $15,000. That is why he needed the money. When I didn't "cash out" he couldn't get the money to her so she called me! The jig was up.

How do you say PSYCHO????? Oh, I did call the counselor after D day and I asked her just where she got her degree. My God, she could have gotten me murdered. Who knows what he would have done when the money ran out. I have life insurance and he knew that he was beneficiary. She should have turned her head around and started to ask him some questions instead of honing in on me! She really didn't have anything to say for herself but was in a hurry to get off the phone. I know I could have sued that woman. I didn't, but some day she will really hurt someone with her utter incompetence.

Anyway, ex psycho N is out of my life. I got a legal annulment for fraud. And as I'm trying to get annuled from him, he is begging me to take him back saying "I will be the man you thought I was". LOL!

I hear he has a new gf now and she is helping him with his bankrupt business. It is bankrupt because all he wants to do is talk about it. Whoever she is, I'm sure he has dismissed me as the "psycho ex", and she probably wonders why any woman in her right mind would dump such a wonderful, wonderful guy. If she hangs around long enough, I have no doubt she will be presented with the opportunity to figure everything out.


Posts: 1311 | Registered: Oct 2008
lied2
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Member # 1807
Default  Posted: 8:33 PM, March 3rd (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have a dear friend murdered by psychopath of a H. He seemed so normal on the outside but we found out that he was a total nightmare otherwise. He hired someone to kill for the insurance money and when they messed it up he did it himself. First he came to a group biblestudy, then to an ATM trying to create an alibi and then murdered her.

I was already dating my ex at the time.

These people are hard to pick out and can fool just about anyone. It is only when they do something hideous like that that someone clues into them.

Somer I am glad you are away from him. He sounds dangerous.


The grass isn't greener on the other side of the fence. It is astro turf.

The essence of love is not what we think or do or provide for others, but how much we give of ourselves.


A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.


Posts: 8196 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Ontario, Canada
somer222
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Member # 21377
Default  Posted: 9:38 PM, March 3rd (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dear Lied2,

OMG - how horrible. I am so sorry about your friend. I hope her husband is in prison for life.

Did he act normal right up to the time he did this horrible thing? What my ex did doesn't come close in comparison, but he did act completely normal right up until the time I got the call.

My sister was visiting with her kids and had been there a week when I got the call from the hooker. During that week, my ex was in the process of being blackmailed by a very nasty hooker and his world was about to come completely undone. You would have never known he was under any stress at all. In fact, he was planning fun activites for my sister's kids!

He never broke a sweat. He acted every bit the loving husband and doting uncle the entire time. Amazing.


Posts: 1311 | Registered: Oct 2008
peridot
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Member # 18334
Default  Posted: 12:06 AM, March 4th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My STBXH went to two MC counseling sessions.

The counselor didn't buy any of his shit and told him off too much I guess.

Cleaning...he thought that he was too good for that.

His excuse was always that I was a sahm and that was my job. Funny how when I was working and in school, it was still my job.


I think...therefore, I'm single.

It is what it is.


Posts: 4488 | Registered: Feb 2008
itsabattle
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Member # 13036
Default  Posted: 1:15 AM, March 4th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The get rich quick schemes? How a shiver went down my spine when I read that one! These people do not believe in hard work as they think they are entitled to so much more than they deserve. Normal rules of hard work, commitment don't apply to them. After all they are practically God-like!

My counsellor said to me that a woman is murdered every week by her husband in this country. She implied that could of been my destiny if I had done things any differently i.e. confront and challenge him. It was a very sobering moment.


Posts: 1233 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: england
lied2
♀ Member
Member # 1807
Default  Posted: 8:20 PM, March 4th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

From what I saw my friend's H was normal. He fit in for the most part but a few of my friend said they had noticed something off the last few months before the murder. He got 25 yrs and even without parole he will be out in 6 yrs from now.

His excuse was always that I was a sahm and that was my job. Funny how when I was working and in school, it was still my job.

Yup

Normal rules of hard work, commitment don't apply to them. After all they are practically God-like!

I hear you on that one too.


The grass isn't greener on the other side of the fence. It is astro turf.

The essence of love is not what we think or do or provide for others, but how much we give of ourselves.


A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.


Posts: 8196 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Ontario, Canada
somer222
♀ Member
Member # 21377
Default  Posted: 8:44 PM, March 4th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He'll be out in six years? Where is the justice in that?

Where I live, his best hope would be for a life sentence. He more than likely would have received a death sentence for premeditated murder.

I think I'm going to stay single forever - seriously, it is much, much safer than going along thinking your husband is just a normal guy and then find out he is doing really hideous things.


Posts: 1311 | Registered: Oct 2008
somer222
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Member # 21377
Happy  Posted: 8:56 PM, March 4th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

With all the crappy do it yourself jobs!!

Same here! Mine was capable of doing really good work but toward the end, he was so preoccupied with his extra curricular activities he couldn't focus on anything and he botched up just about everything he did.

I had to finish his unfinished projects around the house before I could sell it and fix others.

I even finished off a stone veneer fireplace all by myself


Posts: 1311 | Registered: Oct 2008
lied2
♀ Member
Member # 1807
Default  Posted: 10:42 PM, March 5th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OMG it could have been so much worse. I was so stupid and didn't have my camera or something to document this.

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=282451


The grass isn't greener on the other side of the fence. It is astro turf.

The essence of love is not what we think or do or provide for others, but how much we give of ourselves.


A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.


Posts: 8196 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Ontario, Canada
veritas
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Member # 3525
Default  Posted: 8:32 AM, March 6th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((lied2))) I really think you should be proactive and press charges. I don't care what the cops think; a judge may be a different matter.


Actions unmask what words disguise.
Love many; trust few; and always paddle your own canoe.
When you win, you teach; when you lose, you learn.

Posts: 10164 | Registered: Feb 2004
lied2
♀ Member
Member # 1807
Default  Posted: 9:26 AM, March 6th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Like I posted in the other thread, I really have no proof that he hit the car or that I didn't hit with my car. His so called witnesses are willing to lie to get him out of trouble and they clearly have no morals. I am just not sure I am willing to put time and effort into going after him. my friend is dealing with him on CS issues and he is wanting to bring the visitation and try and get sole custody changed. This incident gives credance to him state of mind and that even the liberal visitation he has now with his daughter is detrimental to her wellbeing.

For me I would much rather put my energy into that.

Oh and he is wanting the courts to order a gardian for the daughter. I have no issues sharing the kind of actions he is willing to do in front of the 17 yr old with said person. I think that if evaluated he would come out looking like the nutjob that he is.

I am not too excited about the idea that he could potentially turn this around to have me defending my self in court. We all know what skilled manipulators these guys are. The matter is not exactly dropped even if no report gets made because the officers have seen the car he damaged. (my dad says he can likely pop the dent out so it should not be bad)

I am worried I put me and my kids at further risk with all this because this man has gone and sabitaged cars etc. for revenge.


The grass isn't greener on the other side of the fence. It is astro turf.

The essence of love is not what we think or do or provide for others, but how much we give of ourselves.


A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.


Posts: 8196 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Ontario, Canada
veritas
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Member # 3525
Default  Posted: 12:26 PM, March 6th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For me I would much rather put my energy into that.

Oh and he is wanting the courts to order a gardian for the daughter. I have no issues sharing the kind of actions he is willing to do in front of the 17 yr old with said person. I think that if evaluated he would come out looking like the nutjob that he is.

I am not too excited about the idea that he could potentially turn this around to have me defending my self in court. We all know what skilled manipulators these guys are. The matter is not exactly dropped even if no report gets made because the officers have seen the car he damaged. (my dad says he can likely pop the dent out so it should not be bad)

I am worried I put me and my kids at further risk with all this because this man has gone and sabitaged cars etc. for revenge.

Hindsight is always 20/20. Do what you have to do to protect yourself and your kids. The next time you confront a psycho, bring some muscle! Unless you are the muscle...


Actions unmask what words disguise.
Love many; trust few; and always paddle your own canoe.
When you win, you teach; when you lose, you learn.

Posts: 10164 | Registered: Feb 2004
peridot
♀ Member
Member # 18334
Default  Posted: 10:23 PM, March 7th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You need to be very careful if he is threatening you. My mom and my best friend have been harrassed and threatened by my STBXH because they have helped me out.

I'm having a time getting anything done about all the shit him and his whore are doing because they know if I can't prove it was them then the cops won't do anything.

Speaking of cops,the ones here in my town suck. Same goes for the freaking court system.

The more I stand up for myself and the less I back down the worse he gets.

When I was doing his visits with the kids here at the house, he would try to start shit. I didn't back down. I told him once to stop and if he didn't then he had to leave.

There were a few times he got right up in my face. I thought he was going to hit me. I think the only reason he didn't was because my mom or friend was here. He eventually left, usually when I threatened to call the police, but damn I was worried.


I think...therefore, I'm single.

It is what it is.


Posts: 4488 | Registered: Feb 2008
itsabattle
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Member # 13036
Default  Posted: 2:07 AM, March 8th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think these people feed off your fear. My ex was exactly the same with his threatening behaviour. It wasn't until a friend's husband said to me that you have to stand up to bullies that I realised that was what he was. I was embroiled too deeply to see that was what he was. He used to get in my face threatening me - a nasty piece of work. He would still try to do it now if I let him get away with it. But I have decided that it is hard to be frightened by a short, fat, balding middle-aged man whose personality is contemptable. I made the change in my perception of him and now I see him for what he is. A freak.
They are all bullies. I think that certainly is an element of their personality disorder.

Posts: 1233 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: england
sadtoo
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Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 12:20 PM, March 8th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Itsa is right on target.

They are all bullies. I think that certainly is an element of their personality disorder.

They are bullies. But remember that deep down they are also scared little boys. What kind of a "man" pick on and frightens women? And what kind of woman goes with this kind of man and tourtures another woman? Haven't they ever heard the old saying,

"If he'll do it with you, he'll do it to you...." ??

<<<Shaking my head>>>

Once you stop reacting to their threatening behavior on a personal level and stop playing their game by their rules, things will change.

Peridot,
You're right. He knows that what he can do and what he can't do. These freaks know that it is your word against theirs. They know if they harass and terrorize you to the point of madness, in the end YOU will look like the crazy one to the police. The same thing happened to me. I can't tell you how many times I called the police over my XNPDH and his OWPOS coming over here vandalizing the house, breaking in, driving by, calling all hours of the day and night, sitting outside, etc, etc, etc. The cops would do NOTHING without proof. I was almost insane by this time.

Try not to react directly to your NPD. As hard as it is, don't. Most likely they are trying to bait you into doing something anyway. Start working on ways to PROVE what your NPD is doing. Start with a simple log. Buy a notebook and write down each and everything he does. Write down the time, the date, the event and anywitness who may have seen what happened. If you call the police and file a police report, go down the police station and get a copy of that report and put it in the file. STart keeping track of EVERYTHING. Each and every detail. Start carrying those disposable cameras. One in your purse. One in your car. Put them by the windows of your house, by the door and anywere else that you see him doing what ever he is doing. When he's doing whatever he does, don't talk to him, take his picture. (behind a locked door preferably) and write down the details about what happened. You will be surprised about how much weight this type of information will carry.

Stop talking to the NPD. Go total NC. If you need to discuss children, do it only through email. Then you have a written document to prove what is said.

Once he realizes that you are not playing by his rules anymore, he will either stop or get really stupid and try to be more sneaky. This will only backfire because by this time you will have the police back on your side and they will be watching. He'll only find himself in jail and in need of a criminal defense attorney. He'll tire of that.

[This message edited by sadtoo at 12:32 PM, March 8th (Sunday)]


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7927 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
peridot
♀ Member
Member # 18334
Default  Posted: 9:43 AM, March 9th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have gone complete NC on him for several months. He doesn't even call the kids anymore. I don't even have to see him because his visits are supervised.

I'm working on taking care of him stalking and harrassing me. It's just that the court system is slow as crap.


I think...therefore, I'm single.

It is what it is.


Posts: 4488 | Registered: Feb 2008
lied2
♀ Member
Member # 1807
Default  Posted: 10:51 AM, March 9th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((periot)))))

They do seem to go get bored of it all and mess with someone else. That is what my ex did. I think once the kids are older it gets soooooo much easier. My oldest is now 16 and at some point he will be dealing with visits all on his own.


The grass isn't greener on the other side of the fence. It is astro turf.

The essence of love is not what we think or do or provide for others, but how much we give of ourselves.


A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.


Posts: 8196 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Ontario, Canada
Dazed In Dixie
♀ Member
Member # 21178
Default  Posted: 8:15 PM, March 11th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Today has been a nightmare but very interesting at the same time...

I am NC with my pet...I don't respond when he sends emails...I just make notes and send things to my attorney.

Background...my sons play the guitar. Youngest's amp is broken. The boys have just this week started texting with their father after 5 months.

Today....I get an email telling me that he will be over on Saturday morning at 8 AM Sharp to pick up my youngest's amp to fix it. Ummmm...can you ask when is a good time instead of ordering? So, I send one back (reply all) telling him that isn't convenient for me and that contact of that kind needs to be made through my attorney. This time he messages me back and copies in his attorney and the Guardian Ad Litem saying I'm preventing him from helping and that his son needs the amp for a dance on the 22nd (the dance is May 22nd). Anyway..I give him an alternate time and that doesn't work. He tells me I am to place the amp in HIS car (that is in my possession and is for my exclusive use according to the temp order) and he will use his keys and come get it at his leisure. I tell him again to stop emailing me at work and putting my job in jeopardy. This is what I got back...that basically it's MY fault because I've answered the messages from him and made it necessary for him to respond...

I quit poking the pet at that time and turned it all over to my lawyer. Talked to my sheriff buddy tonight and he told me that if it is in the temporary orders that he isn't to email me that he can go arrest him for aggravated stalking.

I just want him to go away....


1-26-10 DIVORCED FINALLY
"Infidelity is like cat pee in carpet. And no matter how hard they try, an affair couple will never ever get that stink out. It will always follow them." -DCK

Posts: 742 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Atlanta
ktshadow
♀ Member
Member # 10920
Default  Posted: 8:16 PM, March 11th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hey guys...
i haven't posted here in awhile...when things are quiet with my asshole, i come to be dillusioned enough to think he might be a somewhat normal human being.
not a chance.
he left for the other woman last nov. they recently bought a house in the town we were going to buy a house in which is a half an hour away from us on a clear day without traffic
(rephrase:she bought the house..he is not on the mortgage bc we have just filed bc of logistics with my son). so here we are...second mtg with the attnys today...collaborative process.
so while i've been home with my son who is 4 we have had a reg visitation schedule. he has every other w/e from fri-sun night, fri-sat on one of my weekends and he comes up here to see him on tues nights while i teach a class in town.
i have bent over fucking backwards. i have had him and his gf in my house for xmas morning...i have reached out to her to forge a relationship with her...i have accomodated requests from him to see our son more...offering fri-sat on my weekend..saying he can come up any night he wants to see him and him not once taking me up on it.
so today, for show, at the four way with the lawyers, he says how his goal is to see his son as much as possible. which means that he wants to split the weeks up...4 days on, 3 days off. his reasoning? the transition is hard for our son bc he "doesn't see his dad enough". so he would rather schlep him around and uproot him every three days bc that makes him look like father of the fucking year than do what's best for him.
i pointed out the obvious to my lawyer after the mtg and said that these things would all be a lot easier to negotiate if he hadn't CHOSEN to live over a half hour away...now my son suffers.
the only people who can understand this shit is people who have dealt with a NPD. the fucking shit never stops.what else can i make other people do for ME? that is the question of the fucking day for every asshole who goes thru life this way...please help me to deal with this...


Don't let only one person decide if you are loveable or not. Be around the ones who have already decided that you are.
I traded in my intuition for his analysis.

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