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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: N. P.D Thread - Part VI
veritas
♀ Member
Member # 3525
Default  Posted: 9:54 AM, March 13th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Veritas: That is exactly what I was planning on doing.
THen she tells me how her husband now cheated on her and how (oh he's hubby #5 btw) she forgave him and I should forgive my ex.

Bingo! Guess who taught him to manipulate?

Remember, blandness is the key when dealing with these people. Don't allow yourself to be led into any "discussions" or "confidences": small talk, kids, finances, health, and weather. Behind the fake smiles and phony goodwill, they believe they are both smarter and better than you and will believe any lie they tell you. Let on that you don't and you're in for a major tantrum.

[This message edited by veritas at 10:09 AM, March 13th (Friday)]


Actions unmask what words disguise.
Love many; trust few; and always paddle your own canoe.
When you win, you teach; when you lose, you learn.

Posts: 10164 | Registered: Feb 2004
peridot
♀ Member
Member # 18334
Default  Posted: 12:32 PM, March 13th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So how do we keep our kids from developing the NPD traits?

One thing that sticks out in my head is that my ex used to tell me he only picked on the people that he loved.

I'm not talking about the ocassional picking on, teasing type thing. He did it all the time. Just constant insults.

I've noticed that my 8 yr old son had started doing this a few months ago and he used the same excuse my ex did. He even mentioned my ex when he said why he likes to pick on people and the exact same shit my ex would say.

I kicked it in the butt real quick and told him that it is okay to tease people every now and then but to do it all the time or to say really men things is not nice and it could hurt someone's feelings. Also, that it doesn't show someone you love them. I told him that when you love someone you treat them with respect and kindness.


I think...therefore, I'm single.

It is what it is.


Posts: 4488 | Registered: Feb 2008
2bbgirls
♀ Member
Member # 20899
Default  Posted: 12:41 PM, March 13th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I worry about this as well.

Luckily our daughter is one and hopefully I can show her and be a positive influence so that she strays from any type of that behavior.

Here's hoping!!!


XWBF:32 BGF:25 2 daughters

DD#1: August 22 2008
DD#2: December 29 2008
Left his lying ass on 1/27/09
I AM NOT A YO YO!


Posts: 108 | Registered: Sep 2008 | From: USA
lied2
♀ Member
Member # 1807
Default  Posted: 7:26 PM, March 13th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

peridot congrats.

You said:

you know damn well when I call them, they are only going to see me as a vindictive ex wife.

They may initially think that but if the do investigate they will find out that it is the father who has serious problems. That happened to me and over time they got to see that I cared about my kids and their father put himself before them.
My ex's father walked when he was 2 yrs old. His mother is a serious piece of work as well but you definitally don't see it at first. Her 3rd H (ex's stepfather) is an abusive jerk and a violent drunk when he drinks. It really is not wonder these people end up screwed up.

The scary part for me is that my oldest is having a really hard time owning his behaviours and controling his anger. He is 16 but can be horibly means and nasty to people. We are in family counceling but it doesn't seem to helping all that much for him.

My ex emailed to have a visit. After piles of bitching and whining to me and the children's worker I agreed to visits with only one child at a time. What does he do...wants to see both boys together. I thought it was too much for him and he couldn't handle them together. Its all for drama and sympathy and when he doesn't get it he tries something else. God knows what he is up to now.


The grass isn't greener on the other side of the fence. It is astro turf.

The essence of love is not what we think or do or provide for others, but how much we give of ourselves.


A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.


Posts: 8196 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Ontario, Canada
bobelina
♂ Member
Member # 15312
Default  Posted: 10:10 PM, March 13th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Tribe)))

As some of you know, I work in the music industry in various capacities.

The more I learn about the disordered, the more I see the disordered in the music industry. Explains a lot !!!

For many years I wondered, "WTF?". Now, I know. LOL.

I have so many things to be thankful for concerning this board.

BoB

[This message edited by bobelina at 10:11 PM, March 13th (Friday)]


Mean People Suck (Especially Narcissists)

Posts: 1817 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Over the Hills and Far Away...
itsabattle
♀ Member
Member # 13036
Default  Posted: 3:23 AM, March 14th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The minute I pointed out my ex's "failings" to his mother that relationship was over. She did not want to hear it and told me I deserved everything I got!! She even tried to make me loose mine and HER GRANDKIDS house.
Keep it very bland and don't ever expect anything from her. Just like with your ex??

I also worry about my kids turning out like their father. I guess you just have to try and encourage empathy and compassion for others. Say that it is not ok to laugh at others misfortune etc etc.

These people are something else!


Posts: 1233 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: england
Dazed In Dixie
♀ Member
Member # 21178
Default  Posted: 10:46 AM, March 14th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So I find out yesterday that my STBX-FIL is in the hospital with congestive heart failure. He is not my STBX's natural father but a step and has never been close to him. He is also NPD. STBX also has an odd relationship with his mom. They've never been terribly close...she is not a loving person...and in fact, during all this shit when she was on "my side" he told her she was bitch and that he didn't want to ever see her again. Long story short...she is now on "his side" and they have a relationship and I have severed mine with her mostly.

I find out today that STBX (who had been out of town for business last week) flew back into town and immediately got in the car to drive to his mom's. Somehow I see the KISA syndrome...mom is the damsel-in-distress.

It's all so messed up...all of them! His brother is also full-blown NPD and is making the grand gesture of flying in to be with his dad. He can't stand his dad either (and this is his real father) Only normal one out of the bunch is his sister...


1-26-10 DIVORCED FINALLY
"Infidelity is like cat pee in carpet. And no matter how hard they try, an affair couple will never ever get that stink out. It will always follow them." -DCK

Posts: 742 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Atlanta
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 11:41 AM, March 14th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One thing I have noticed with these NPD's is they seem to be mama's boys. Even though they seem to be at odds with their mothers from time to time, they are definately mama's boys.

If you have any relationship with the mother, be very careful. It may "seem" that she cares about you, but it is more likely she is just a phoney. Be careful about what you say to her. She will run back and tell her son everything you say.

Don't even try to figure out the twisted dynamics within the NPD household. It's such a psychological mess of disfunction it will make your brain hurt. Don't try to make sense out of nonsense.


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7926 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
lied2
♀ Member
Member # 1807
Default  Posted: 4:29 PM, March 14th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes Sadtoo. My ex's family is one of the most dysfunctional families I have ever met. The mother is a backstabbing liar, the sister is the same and a cheater too boot. The 1/2 brother seems slightly more sane but then he cut himself off from the family from the time he was 16 until when I was dating the ex (because I encouraged him to contact his brother and build a relationship. Of course over the years they have told him a boatload of lies and the BIL believes them as well)

I am thrilled they don't want much of anything to do with my kids. They totally hate me and I'm good with that.

Why are so many people in this world to totally screwed up? The normal ones seem very hard to find.


The grass isn't greener on the other side of the fence. It is astro turf.

The essence of love is not what we think or do or provide for others, but how much we give of ourselves.


A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.


Posts: 8196 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Ontario, Canada
discombobulated
♀ Member
Member # 6580
Default  Posted: 5:29 PM, March 14th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Any other women out there go from divorcing a cheating NPD to WORKING for one?

Had a pow wow with my new boss - who is 20 years younger than me- and he informed me that the way I do everything is "wrong," my personality is "too nice," I need to "toughen up and get meaner."

I'm listening to this litany of how his expertise has taught him all the RIGHT ways to efficiently run a business and my 50 years of life experience essentially has no value (but he likes my dedication!)

I KNOW all this stuff and I'm wondering what in the world I'm doing in a job that doesn't suit me in any way other than the paycheck???? Yikes!


BS - age 52- married 27 years, in IC, support groups
WH - age 57 - sex addict/porn addict, NPD
Children 2 boys, 19 & 16
D-day #1 2/2/05, D-day #2: 1/22/06
R 4/21/05, but that was another lie, just a game.
D-day #3 11/06
Divorce final may 09

Posts: 2151 | Registered: Mar 2005 | From: Florida
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 6:57 PM, March 14th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lied,
Same with me. MIL was sweet as pie to my face and stabbed me in the back as soon as I wasn't looking. One sister was a screwed up mess. She had an affair with a married man AND an OC. (sound familiar?) Other sister has been under the care of a psychiatrist her entire life. I heard later that it was because she had been molested (possibly by her brother, XNPDH) The brother is somewhat normal and doesn't have much to do with the family. They "present" themselves as these "very religious" people of the community who are higher than most on the social ladder....it's totally crazy. Then XNPDH who has caused them more pain and more trouble than anyone else...they treat him like GOLD. Like he can do no wrong....like he walks on water or something.

It is F-R-E-A-K-Y!!

Discombobulated,
After being married to one, and going through a divorce with one of these nuts, there is NO WAY I could work for one. I would tell him that he is going to have to rely on his wonderful "expertise" because you are taking your experience and dedication and going somewhere else.

[This message edited by sadtoo at 7:20 PM, March 14th (Saturday)]


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7926 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
Chipmunkie
♀ Member
Member # 21653
Default  Posted: 7:02 PM, March 14th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

because you are taking your experience and dedication and going somewhere else.

Ditto!
There is no fixing the disordered.
My ex was "officially" diagnosed in 1995. Everyone, and I mean everyone told me there was no hope. Even his psychiatrist told me to run because he was a sociopath.
Dumbass me bought into the whole I can change if you just...
Life's too short to deal with disordered personalities.

I wish I had listened.


Me: BW
Him: Irrelevant Bastard

About ~C.? I hear she even keeps a bottle in her desk at work. Not in an alcoholic way but in a kick ass Humphrey Bogart kinda way.


Posts: 494 | Registered: Nov 2008
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 7:25 PM, March 14th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Chipmunkie,
Dumbass me bought into the whole I can change if you just...

(You're not a dumbass)

I thought the same thing. It wasn't long before I figured out there wasn't enough _______ to make him better.

Fill in the blank:

Love
Understanding
Compassion
Money
Sex
Humiliation
Embarassment


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7926 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
Chipmunkie
♀ Member
Member # 21653
Default  Posted: 7:47 PM, March 14th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah, It took me a long time to figure that out.

humiliation.. I so understand that.
whenever something didn't please him, he left.
Always, always the blame was on me.
Self-doubts or recriminations?
Now, whenever I have those
I just mentally smash my hand with a hammer.
Sure, it hurts--
But at least the hammer won't blame me for it."


Me: BW
Him: Irrelevant Bastard

About ~C.? I hear she even keeps a bottle in her desk at work. Not in an alcoholic way but in a kick ass Humphrey Bogart kinda way.


Posts: 494 | Registered: Nov 2008
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 8:27 PM, March 14th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Somehow I know EXACTLY what you mean.


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7926 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
bobelina
♂ Member
Member # 15312
Default  Posted: 8:47 PM, March 14th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Tribe)))

Interesting:

http://www.horndogblog.com/2008/04/narcissism.html

And:

http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/pto-20051209-000005.html

BoB

[This message edited by bobelina at 8:50 PM, March 14th (Saturday)]


Mean People Suck (Especially Narcissists)

Posts: 1817 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Over the Hills and Far Away...
Chipmunkie
♀ Member
Member # 21653
Default  Posted: 8:57 PM, March 14th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is it wrong that I saw "horndog" and immediately related?


Me: BW
Him: Irrelevant Bastard

About ~C.? I hear she even keeps a bottle in her desk at work. Not in an alcoholic way but in a kick ass Humphrey Bogart kinda way.


Posts: 494 | Registered: Nov 2008
discombobulated
♀ Member
Member # 6580
Default  Posted: 1:03 AM, March 16th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, everyone. I saw the truth, and I was just needing some valiidation. Makes me wonder though, do we all walk around with some secret sign that makes us NPD magnets? At least it didn't take decades to figure out this time. Instead of 27 years, it was more like 27 DAYS! And I learned so much of what I know right here are SI! Thank you all!


BS - age 52- married 27 years, in IC, support groups
WH - age 57 - sex addict/porn addict, NPD
Children 2 boys, 19 & 16
D-day #1 2/2/05, D-day #2: 1/22/06
R 4/21/05, but that was another lie, just a game.
D-day #3 11/06
Divorce final may 09

Posts: 2151 | Registered: Mar 2005 | From: Florida
lied2
♀ Member
Member # 1807
Default  Posted: 9:38 AM, March 16th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NPD magnets are good people who have compassion and lots of talent and good to offer someone in a relationship. They look for the best so they can suck it dry. If you didn't have something to offer they would leave you totally alone. (talk about backhanded complement )


The grass isn't greener on the other side of the fence. It is astro turf.

The essence of love is not what we think or do or provide for others, but how much we give of ourselves.


A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.


Posts: 8196 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Ontario, Canada
veritas
♀ Member
Member # 3525
Default  Posted: 11:57 AM, March 16th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lied,
Same with me. MIL was sweet as pie to my face and stabbed me in the back as soon as I wasn't looking.

Same here. To my face, I was like a daughter to her. I was the daughter she never had. Behind my back, I was a deranged bitch who had to be placated so she could see her grandchildren.

Her other son is gay (not a problem) who is also diagnosed with either Borderline or Antisocial Personality Disorder. He has attempted suicide twice. He is supposed to be on medication but does not take it because "it makes him feel blah." Instead, he bounces from place to place and boyfriend to boyfriend. His latest boyfriend has already found a job whereas he has only found volunteer work. His mother has convinced herself that this is because he has very neat, shoulder-length dreadlocks -- this in California! It could have nothing to do with the fact that he does not want to work, nor that he refuses to wear anything but orange shirts and blue pants. That's not exactly office professional friendly.

Dickwad decided to quit smoking this weekend. Coincidentally, he is now concerned about the house being unlocked and keeps talking about how when he wakes up in the middle of the night, the doors are unlocked. I smoke and read outside at night. So now, he has made yet another rule: when he goes to bed, he will lock the doors. This way, since he goes to bed at 8:00, I can no longer smoke at night either. I have no doubt that should I happen to go outside for any reason, the doors will "be unlocked" when he "gets up in the middle of the night to check." He's such a fricking control freak -- why do I have to quit smoking just because he has? I'll probably start smoking during the daytime and taking sleeping pills at night so I'm not tempted to take a baseball bat to him in a nicotine-deprived rage. Of course, then it will piss him off that instead of being awake to listen to his tirades or for sex, I'll be an incoherent mess, but oh well. That was his decision.

And of course, now that I'm no longer meekly keeping my mouth shut, we both need counseling and he wants me to go to his appointments with him. As if!!! Been there, done that.... I'll speak to his counselor if she wants, but until Fucker takes responsibility for his actions, quits making physical threats couched as talking about his feelings, and accepts responsibility for the things he has done, admits to them, apologizes for them, and gets rid of all the hoes, I'm not going to any joint sessions with him. So in other words, we'll have a joint session sometime around the period when hell freezes over and pigs fly out of his considerable ass.

[This message edited by veritas at 12:35 PM, March 16th (Monday)]


Actions unmask what words disguise.
Love many; trust few; and always paddle your own canoe.
When you win, you teach; when you lose, you learn.

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