I almost sent him an email last night telling him what an abusive, infantile monster he is, that he would never see his grandchildren again and he needs to stop emailing me, trying to guilt trip me. But I didn't.
My face looks like a fucking tomato, swollen and red. Sleeping didn't give me any beauty rest.
The worst part of all this was WH calling me, trying to be kind and listen to all this shit pouring out of me. He and my sister are the only ones that truly know my long sordid life story and I could tell he was worried and felt bad for me.
Not bad enough to come home and hold me and tell me everything will be all right. No, he just went out on his date with the woman he chased after and stole away from her boyfriend and is now madly in love with.
Today I'm angry.
WTF?? Why is this happening?
It's like all this unresolved muck as swirling around and when something brings on a trigger they just come out, released and hanging there saying "Do something to get rid of me!"
No matter what, the psyche wants to heal. It doesn't want all that muck swirling around. The Universe brings these moments to us to show us our own strength and to get resolution for the muck.
We are here!
I do feel so much shame. STBX said to me while he was here, I wish you'd stop saying your not lovable and I just laughed and said are you kidding me? You fucking chased after OW, took her away from her BF and now are living happily ever after! How dare you say that to me!
Now I regret engaging with him at all. I just feel discarded and unloved.
I'm so sorry you're having such a rough time. I am a firm believer that we have to deal with all the pain before we can get past it and it loses its power over us. I know how hard it is for you to feel lovable because abandonment is such a huge trigger (for me, too!). But you are lovable. If everyone in your kids' lives abandoned them, would they be any less lovable?? Or would you be able to see that they still had inherent value simply because they exist? That they're lovable, simply because they are? Your father has done a real number on you...and you certainly have to process the grief and pain of losing your marriage. But you can triumph over this. You're shedding your old skin (and all the garbage with it) and starting over, without an abusive father and cheating husband. Sounds to me like you're better off than any of them! You're in pain, that's all. Excruciating pain...but you can get past this. Look at all you've survived already...
I too have a really hard time with attractive women triggering me when I'm with my husband. Bizarre because he admits that the women he had "encounters" with (he's a sex addict) were NOT attractive. I know a couple of them...and they're not women I ever would have dreamed he'd have sex with. However, it doesn't stop me from feeling completely threatened by attractive women and wondering if something is going on (some sort of bizarre sex addict non-verbal communication) right before my eyes and that I'm just missing it, given that I missed 14 years of lying and cheating.
It's getting better...but I'm extremely conscious of pretty women now when before I wouldn't have even noticed...
My dad really did do a number on me. I blocked him from my email and now just have to deal with him being in town next weekend for a cousins grad party. HE has been the one person triggering me signifantly for the past ten years. Whenever I would visit him, I would return a screaming maniac. Horrible, really, and WH hated it. He told me after Dday he couldn't take it. More shame, more shame..
The hardest part is knowing now about the PTSD, and that I'm not a crazy, awful person. My WH couldn't take living with me, so he chose to cheat. Several times.
I know I'm better off without my Dad, that is a no brainer, it's harder to forgive myself for being such a freak, so horribly triggered by my Dad while with WH and that he couldn't take it. I need to forgive myself and be kind to myself about this.
I'm working on it.
Funny how sometimes we're inspired to give advice to others...when really it's us who need to take our own advice.
Your response to my post really resonated with me. Like you, I feel like a freak. Like it's only a matter of time until every in my life figures it out. In spite of three wonderful kids, an incredible career, great friends...I still think there's something wrong with me. It's only been recently -- with the help of my IC -- that I can see that it's not the messages I got from others that CONTINUE to damage me. It's the messages I give myself. It's me telling myself I'm unlovable that's the problem NOW, not what someone said to me as a kid. Sure they set the stage for my "self-esteem -- ha!" issues. But I'm the one abusing myself now. So I've started switching it up. Now I look in the mirror and say, not bad for someone who's gone through so much crap, instead of "look at those crow's feet".
When you have those negative thoughts go through your head say out loud "I don't agree!"
It is very likely your XH isn't as completely happy as you would like (hate) to believe he is. Everyone can put up a front.
As you get through this episode you will see more easily that you are worth much more than he can ever give anyone!
Give yourself some nice "you" time, a bubble bath, good book, glass of wine, whatever, so you can just remind yourself how worthwhile you are!
Turn those thoughts around! You can still love your dad, grieve your loss of the right to a decent father in your life and consider him a dickhead that you do not want to have contact with right now.
You can still have feelings of loss about your marriage and your plans as a couple with your husband, but you also have the relief that he will not ever have a chance to cheat on you again.
Get that anger into your past.
Remember, the point isn't to forget, but to remember without the pain!
The thing that freaked me out so badly about this last episdoe over the past 24 hours, is this:
I've been doing all the work that i know will heal me, and it's been remarkably effective.
Replacing the negative messages with positive ones, exercising, letting the folks who love me do so. It is effective medicine.
I think PMS may have some to do with this, also the contact from my dad and increased contact with WH, but I also feel like this stuff was just boiling below the surface. it needed to come out. And boy did it.
The scariest part is writing my book proposal--a memoir about my abusive childhood and how I've come out of it somewhat sane. Okay, really strong most of the time and respected by lots of folks--like you Eternal.
Writing the proposal is also triggering, but I have to do it, I know it'll help tons of people.
In fact, you folks have helped me not only with your kind words and wisdom, but also because I know there are other "freaks" out there who need to hear this message.
Ok, end T/J.
My face looks like a fucking tomato, swollen and red. Sleeping didn't give me any beauty rest.
[This message edited by Marcia at 9:27 PM, July 6th (Sunday)]
People: Read up on the 180!
Oh, and I'm boycotting Nike forever ;)
Now I regret engaging with him at all.
Most of us have those negative messages to ourselves going on all the time. I fight them every single day of my life, and when something like D-Day happens to us, they can become a flood. Some awful part of us tells us we somehow deserve to be treated rotten. But we don't.
It's been said before, but this orientation of ours can sometimes attract negative outsiders, such as those who would betray us. So it's worth purging to the best of our abilities, whatever the cost.
We can get better. People do it all the time
I spoke to my Elder last night- he reminded me that I will cycle through the five stages of grief:
1. Denial and Isolation.
many times, sometimes experiencing several stages at once.
This makes sense now, but when I had my meltdown over the weekend and surged back into bargaining and denial, I was taken by surprise, primarily because I thought I was done with it.
He told me that each time will be a healing and I'll gradually get better.
I'm wondering how having PTSD affects these stages differently than those who don't have it.
For me, this episode started with Mark (Andrew?) enlightened me that my repetitive, intrusive thoughts accompanied by numbness is a PTSD symptom. Then I read a web page about how PTSD affects family members and shifted into guilt and shame about my behavior during my M.
Anyway, I feel tremendous gratitude for all of you here and send up a prayer for healing and peace.
I found out about my boyfriends affair 3 months ago. We tried to work on R for 1 1/2 months and I was so angry and hurt he gave up and walked away convinced I could never forgive him. After a month of trying to move on I realized I couldn't because I still want to try for R. I contacted him a couple weeks ago via email and told him how I felt. He has sent me few short emails telling me he is very busy but will get back to me.
In the meantime all of the symptoms have strenghtened. I can't sleep, but I am constantly tired, I have no desire to do anything, but go crazy with anxiety if I try to relax, I can feel the panic attacks coming back, they were pretty frequent after d-day. I am triggered constantly and burst into crying jags that last for hours. I don't have literal flashbacks, but I have these emotional ones where it feels like I am experiencing the pain and heartbreak all over again. I have these vivid memories of the good times and then melt into sobs because I have lost them
I have always been a perfectionist and I am hiding how severe it is even from my therapist. I don't want to admit I am out of control, feel like I am going crazy.
I know this is a sight geared towards married people, and a lot of people have told me that I should be grateful it is easier since we were not married, I should be able to walk away more easily but it doesn't feel that way to me.
I have never felt this out of control before, my job is suffering I am constantly forgetting things and spend hours at my desk spacing out unable to focus, my friends and family have no idea what to do with me, and I feel terrible and embarrassed because I have always been the strong one and now I am a mess.
I suppose I should be more honest with my therapist, but I am just so afraid to admit I am this much of a mess. Afraid to stay in this downward spiral and afraid to take the step to get out of it will rock the boat even more.
Please, give up the charade and tell your therapist exactly what you're experiencing. Like you, I've always taken great pride in being in control. I'm the one who can handle "anything." Well...I couldn't handle this. After almost 18 months, life was so dark I could barely remember light. I was put on ADs -- with much muttering and anger on my part -- and I can't believe how much better I feel. They haven't taken away hurt, but they've made me feel like I can handle it -- that I have the resources, strength and energy to face what comes (has come!) my way.
Maybe you don't need meds -- but you need to be honest and get to the root of why you're triggering so badly. Abandonment issues? Grief? Whatever it is, it's nothing you can't manage...with help. Please ask for it. It's a sign of strength to seek help, not weakness.
[This message edited by Hurtnstill at 5:20 PM, August 23rd (Saturday)]
The more I get to know some people, the more I like my dog.
Welcome! Have you ever heard of a guy named Edward Tick? He deals almost exclusively with war vets (he started with Vietnam vets, I believe) and PTSD. He calls it "post-terror soul distress". He believes the experience of war is one in which we die, figuratively, and must be reborn. That vets must create a new identity that incorporates the horror they experienced -- the "death of innocence". PTSD, he says, is the universal response to terror and distress.
He's wonderful -- compassionate, intelligent. You might find his books/Web site helpful. It's www.soldiersheart.net
I'm sorry you're here...but glad you found us.
[This message edited by Hurtnstill at 1:09 AM, September 8th (Monday)]