[This message edited by usedup at 9:18 AM, June 7th (Saturday)]
My major symptom is the anxiety attacks that come out of nowhere. All of a sudden I get those 'butterflies' in the pit of my stomach. They are not crippling or anything, but I have had to take a very small amount of an anti-anxiety med that I have on hand.
I have a terrific IC, though.
The most difficult thing is not being able to get anti-anxiety meds because they want to shovel A/D's at me and I can't take them due to side effects!
My PTS was so BAD after I kicked WH out in 9/06, I stopped putting on make up, dressed in baggy clothing, and just was a complete wreck for at least a year! I just stopped caring about everything...up was down, etc.
I'm better now with IC and the passage of time but I still have my PTS "moments".
The eleven months of full blown gaslighting he engaged in after Dday#1. He quite literally tried to convince me and our counselors that I was CRAZY and almost succeeded.
I think the LTA itself and what you said here is exacerbating the situation, absolutely. I remember one conversation... I had found the sweater in my car, H was leaving the next day on a pre-planned camping trip and was using his brother's car to go. My SIL dropped it off and he started cleaning it out, found a box of tampons in the back seat (hey, she's entitled) and turned to me and said, "Lu, you better take these or Weepy's going to be thinking I had some strange woman in the car with me this weekend." WTF? He'd HAD some strange woman in MY car just the day before. How do you ever trust with things like you and I went through?
Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda
The "experts" want to focus solely on codependency and try to shove all spouses of addicts into a very narrow box. In that box they want to convince us that we just need to follow the same recovery plan as our addict spouses (ie do the IDENTICAL 12-Step program) and frankly I find this be absolutely ludicrous. For those not dealing with an SA but who get told they are codependent the treatment is about the same and frankly it's not working. I certainly don't see women getting better and in fact I just see a lot of anger and frustration and I see women turning it on themselves because they don't know what else to do with it! ARRRGGHHH! It's so frustrating and I don't know what to do about it or if there is anything I can do. I'm not in a position to get a PhD and change the conventional wisdom.
[This message edited by 7yrsbetrayed at 4:42 PM, June 7th (Saturday)]
On a COSA (?) website that I used to frequent, all the major posters seemed so bitter and twisted. I got nothing out of it.
Hi Weepy, long time, no chat.
I usually post on the LTA forum..I've taken a break there so I can try to move forward a bit....I also lurk there. Wonderful and smart women, not to mention supportive and understanding.
I was diagnosed with PTSD one month after d-day..I was hospitalized because of it. I really didn't want to live any longer.....that was 3 yrs ago. 8 yrs of lies and deception did a huge number on me.
7-yrs, you're right on the money...
Today, after 3 yrs, I am now working again..I don't trust anyone...I don't make friends easily and I look for the worst in a person, rather than the good..like I used to. Its hard to realize that I no longer trust anyone, and I have such a huge wall of protection around me..makes me sad.
I see a shrink once a month, down from 3 times a month. I am on anti-d's and have sleep deprivation. I take Ativan twice a day..and I know I am hooked on them. My dr. is trying to ween me off...if I don't have them, I don't sleep..I've actually survived 7 days without sleep...hence the hospitalization.
I'm glad to see this area and thread...I hope to gain some insight and share mine as well.
Today after 3 yrs out..my M is good...it's what it used to be before Slut Monkey invaded and FWH let her..it's what I always thought it should be..I have no complaints on this...I do have so many emotional scars and wounds, I wonder will I ever get past this?? only time will tell.
On another note, I have to see the Slut Monkey OW on a daily basis...I trigger on the way to work when I see her, I trigger at lunch when I have to see her, I trigger on the way home....I'm trying so hard to not let her bother me...just seeing her ugly face makes me sick...I'm sure she is way more afraid of me than I of her..however, just seeing her make me insane.
Thanks Mods for this thread...
Weepy, say HI to the tribe for me...I'm trying so hard to move forward. I miss everyone and I lurk..it's not the same as sharing like I used to.
I wish you all the best in healing..it's a very long and hard journey..one we are all on together.
Hugs and keep moving forward...
Diagnosed with PTSD, put thru EMDR and now I have high blood pressure. Didn't have the high bp before EMDR so WH's behavior is definitely still affecting me.
7 your discription of the mine field is right on. I can't go anywhere with SA WH without being affected.
Everytime I try to discuss anything related to his behavior he says it makes him want to drink. So he basically shuts me up that way.
I've been dealing with the porn for 31 yrs and the alcohol about 8 yrs. When the A bomb exploded my world as I knew it changed.
I only go anywhere with him if I have to.
He's in AA and SAA and counseling but if I go anywhere with him he always checks out the babes and I get agitated and get this overwhelming desire to get away from him.
I left him in a restaurant the other day just because of his behavior.
I better stop now because I'm off subject.
Yay for SI.
But on the other hand, whether it helped or not it sounds like your SA isn't fully working his recovery and is still acting out. I don't see how you can get healthy when he's still acting out and triggering you.
Come back and tell us more. Meanwhile take it as easy on yourself as you can. Something in your story seems awfully familiar to me.. like I've been there too.
And I think I belong here...
People: Read up on the 180!
Oh, and I'm boycotting Nike forever ;)
I don't see how you can get healthy when he's still acting out and triggering you.
7 I agree totally. I've been through like 6 books on codependency and although I see behaviors of mine there, it's difficult to sort those that are codependent, with those that are caring and nurturing.... like I used to be.
But as for me, the triggers come from the quote above. He's obvious "controlling" the situation within himself, not "curing". He's improving though. The question though is he getting better at hiding the behavior or actually waking up about it.
It's so difficult, especially in an LTA situation, to know who we're dealing with there. So every time he says or does something similar to the A period, I flash. I try not to, but sometimes I just can't mantra those thoughts out of my head.
I'm afraid of EMDR, I wonder if it's because I really don't want the visions to have less impact on me. LIke I'm minimizing or reducing the behavior too.
The EMDR took away the feelings of profound sadness, the feeling of prickers in my blood from triggers and I could get off my meds. It did not desensitize me to his behavior.
Like Weepy said.
The question though is he getting better at hiding the behavior or actually waking up about it.
The first few years after the A I tried to suppress all emotions from the A. Any time a horrible thought or image came to mind (which was most of the day) I would consciously stuff it away and block it. It was EIGHT years after the A that all those memories came back full force and I could no longer suppress them. It was like living the A all over again and was very painful. I did EMDR for several months and while it was very, very painful to consciously dig up those memories I was so afraid of, the EMDR did lessen my symptoms to where I can at least function somewhat normally. But now I have a new symptom to add -- a little known side effect of EMDR -- I now twitch uncontrollably whenever an A-related thought comes to mind (still several times a day).
I'm STILL hunting for a psychiatrist/psychologist that actually SPECIALIZES in PTSD. All are "trained" in it, but I have yet to find someone who doesn't freak out over my responses.
Thanks MODS for this thread!!
My therapist said that avoidance of triggers, keeping yourself "too safe" can mean that you are keeping yourself from healing.
She taught me how to relax through and learn what I needed to resolve in my triggers. She was so very helpful!
She taught me how to relax through and learn what I needed to resolve in my triggers. She was so very helpful!
Right after Dday I went to Key West for a month and swam every day at the beach where WH and I were married.
Now, I go to yoga every day right next to where WH works with OW.
Avoiding triggers? Can't do it.
And the yoga teaches me better than anythign so far how to calm myself. My teacher said to me recently, "when you start to panic, focus on your breath and it'll save you"
He has no idea how right he is.
I couldn't answer at first because I feared that I would vomit. Things started to tunnel down to black and I realized I was on the verge of fainting. I mentally willed myself NOT to faint. I leaned against the wall so I couldn't lock my knees. I finally managed to whisper "I want to leave."
My FWH looked angry and annoyed and rolled his eyes at me.
Yeah, that helped too. I was fighting the panic and as is common for me the harder I fought the panic the more angry I became. I was then PISSED at FWH.
Once I got angry the things that make me weak in the knees subsided. But the feeling of desperately needing to go to the bathroom stayed, what a joy that is. Standing in a hallway trying not the shit your pants. Anyway, it's like the rage "saves" me from a lot of the symptoms. (I'm guessing this is "fight or flight.")
He questioned me THREE times saying "What do you want to do?" By the 3rd time I'd found my anger, my lifeline that pulls me back from fainting. I angrily started whispering, on the attack. "Why the hell is this up to me?? You wanted to come here but hesitated and didn't open the door! You're having issues too! You've asked me three times what I want and I've very clearly told you that I WANT TO LEAVE! If you want to go in, be my guest I'll wait for you! BUT I AM NOT GOING IN THAT ROOM!"
He's all calm and looks surprised that I'm angry and says in a bright happy voice "Oh ok. Let's go. It's no big deal. I don't want to hear any of the other speakers anyway, just K**** and I can see that he's already speaking, he'll be done in 2 minutes anyway. Let's just go."
I could have killed on the spot. I held it together until we got out of the maze of hallways in the mega-church. Once we were in the car I really got angry and started lashing out at him verbally. We fought all the way home and continued to fight after we got to the house (thankfully I'd arranged for our daughter to be at my parents house so she didn't witness the fighting) He finally left the house and I was able to use the bathroom (finally) and start calming myself down.
We both apologized later when he came back and tip-toed around each other for a few days. I felt physically ill until yesterday with nausea, intestinal cramps and headaches. I've had insomnia and nightmares too. Last night was the first night without nightmares but I still didn't sleep well.
If this isn't PTSD, I'd like to know what it IS.
*The 7 yrs of deception before discovery when he was being emotionally abusive to keep me "down" to justify his acting out.
bingo. my FWH did this to me for years and it was at its worst when he was actually cheating.
how does one get over the irony of it?
I think I may have this. is it possible though that I didin't have it straight after Dday? The first few months, I did quite well, but then I gradually began to realise that I was getting what I now know is trickle truth. In fact it was less trickle truth and more, just bullshit.
At some point during the past nine monhts, I have gradually gotten worse, apart from a brif few weeks when I thoughts I was getting better.
I should add that not long before Dday, my mum died, and then last year my Dad died.
What do I do now? Do I see a doctor and tell them I think I have PTSD? Do I tell them how I am feeling and wait for them to diagnose it or not? Do I try to work on this myself?
I just know that I am so tried of feeling this way, that life isn't worth living like this, because in fact, it isn;t "living" it is merely existing.
I'm sure most of you know me from the SA thread.
I talked to my STBXH tonight after he told the kids goodnight. We were going to discuss Father's Day.
He had originally wanted me to get IC. He thought I was crazy lmao! So I told him that I do have a problem but it's not what he thought it was(bipolar). Told him that I have PTSD and that this is something that he helped to inflict on me.
Last year I also had to deal with a whole lot of health issues. Including thinking I had ovarian cancer. I had several female things going on and ended up having two surgeries in four months. One which was a complete hysterectomy. Then I had to deal with his issues and cheating. Of course he wasn't much help when I needed him the most in my life. All he cared about was sex.
So all he could tell me after I told him was that this disorder was the same as bipolar. What a dumbass!
I told him to be sure and subpena my records for court because I wanted the judge to see what the hell he has done to our family. I told him that there was also some references to what he has done to our kids also. Hell, I may hand the judge the records myself.
Our IC/MC diagnosed me as PTSD soon after D-Day. I must admit I did not truly understand it, despite working in mental health for some years. Amazing how you can call it when it is not yourself or someone close to you involved, but how blinded one gets when it involves you and/or a close loved one.
I loved the open description of your experience. I particularly loved the 'I'm gonna shit my pants here' portion. Been there, done that, had the tee shirt but stained it so badly had to throw it away.
Thanks again for your informative and just plain open contributions to the SA and this thread. I adore you, girlfriend!! You ROCK, chickie!! :