my BF is an addict. i didn't see it before, but i do now.
he is a drug addict.
he is a porn addict.
he is a video game addict.
he is addicted to keeping secrets.
it took me a long time to see these things in him. it's still early in our "R" to know where it will go. i'm hurting, but i'm trying to stay strong. anyone out there in a similar situation?
I thought I was a fool for no-one
Oh baby I'm a fool for you
You're the queen of the superficial
And how long before you tell the truth
i confronted him for the first time about being back on drugs on wednesday. he denied it. i sent him an email about it yesterday. no reply. in fact, no contact from him since. both in person and in my email i was very careful not to judge him or purposely make him feel like he shit. even with my loving and kind way of addressing him, i've gotten lies and avoidance. i don't know that it'll get better for me. it breaks my heart.
I have tried to be firm, it is so hard especially when children are involved. You find yourself questioning everything they say. My H is better than he was, but it still is a problem that I am learning to try to deal with.
I'm beginning to wonder if all addicts have sex addiction. It's the one drug you carry with you, in your own brain, 24/7. You can't get your substance of choice (alcohol, drugs or whatever) so you whack off to get that comfort. That high. Food for thought.
Just when I thought he was a changed man I got pregnant again with our daughter. Two months into my pregnancy I find out about OW#2 and a drug addiction.
I was devasted beyond anything and unfortunately had not found SI yet. Since my daughter was born I struggled to help my WS overcome his drug addiction and finally seperated last July. We lost our home, cars, and he lost his job. I realized that I couldn't help him because he had to want sobriety. I couldn't anymore because I had to take the responsibility of our babies, he was and is unfit.
Although we have been seperated for a year, he kept telling me that he wanted help and he would get it "soon" and want to come home to us. Never happened or will happen because I found out that he is sleeping with a MW who shares the same interest of drugs as he.
I found out a month ago and it's been devasting. I somehow convinced myself that I can bring him back to sobriety but the infidelity hit me harder than coping with the addiction.
I keep telling myself that he is not the man I married or know at this point. He is no longer the responsible loving father, husband, and unselfish partner he once was. In my eyes, he has died.
I just want off this roller coaster and want the strength, courage, and happiness to move forward with my babies and the "me" that has been lost.
My H is an addict...alcohol, weed, and formerly porn.
I have read all of the comments above and my heart goes out to each of you. This is just brutal.
Thank you for that book name, I am getting it tomorrow!!! I am scared, you described my H so much that it's eerie!!!!!
God bless you all and me too!
He was addicted to drugs over fifteen years ago, but after he ended up in jail for 6 months, got clean and was completely sober for five years.
At that point in time he admits that he became addicted to exercise to cope with his need...and escape from his unhappy home life.
When I met him, shortly after he left his first wife, he had started drinking again...but it was no more than I or many of my friends did, so I didn't think twice about it...
As far as I know, he never went back to using, although I have questioned him regarding OW#2(co-worker)...I think he might have used with her, and was scared shitless that he would do such a thing that he ran the hell away from her.
I think he was surprised that she used, because he TOLD me (didn't know he fucked her yet) that he had found out she used...and he told her to keep that shit away from him...she left our area shortly after for unknown reasons.
So FWH has been sober almost a year...there are no good recovery programs available to us in our isolated area.
One of my fears is that his alcohol addiction will shift to sex addiction, if it didn't exist already...the only thing that makes me think is he is NOT a sex addict is that in all the years I have known him, I have never seen him masturbate, ever.
However, during his cheating phase, when he WAS drinking heavy, he got into internet porn, unbeknownst to me...but lets just say that he left evidence by the computer!!! So he WAS doing this while in his completely lost phase.
No porn and no drinking are boundaries, and he has respected them.
So my question is, if an addict readily admits that he is an addict, and can see that his addictive tendancies can come out in a myriad of ways, can they actually "steer clear" and maintain a healthy relationship with support from their partner?
I don't worry so much about the addictions he knows about, and has no denial about...but the sex thing, he doesn't believe that he has ever had a problem with that, and that it is a "guy thing"...
[This message edited by healingtree at 8:19 AM, June 23rd (Monday)]
Oh, and I'm pretty sure he's an alcohol-addict, too, and he has sortof admitted it to me before, in a roundabout way, although he's never gone to get help for it.
It was during drinking (and possibly drugs, most likely with the crowd he hangs out with) that he cheated on me... this coming from a guy who, even though we had problems with his addictions, never thought would hurt me in that way (with another girl).
And even though I "know" of his addictions, I don't seem to think of it as a good excuse for sleeping with somebody else.
How do you know if you want to R with somebody like this?
I agree with hope610...it is really important for you to look at your situation. You are not married, and have no children together.
Addiction is a struggle, always...if you have been with this same BF for 7 years, have discussed the addiction prior to his cheating, he thinks its NOT an addiction, he cheats (gee I didn't think that would happen DUH)sorry and he CONTINUES to USE any SUBSTANCES...
My advice would be to get out.
Because your future relationship will be based on the choices he makes - and an addict has to choose to accept the fact that they are an addict every single day for the rest of their lives.
If I had no ties (children, home, business) with my H, I would most likely have chosen a different path...
But everyones situation is different.
But I have kids, plan to have no more, and if this doesn't work, I really don't feel the need to find another relationship...I am probably a lot older than you too!
The only way I have been able to invest in R is because my H remains sober - from my first d-day until now almost a year later.
He is sober for himself...not behaving to please me...this I know.
If he should choose to return to drinking...I will leave.
That gives me the assurity in my heart that I won't have to go through any of this crap again...because I don't NEED him.
I just want to try.
Good luck sweetie...make the right choices for you.
living with and loving an addict...even a currently recovering sober one...just sucks the life right out of me.
I am so grateful this thread was started.
hugs to us all
here's my situation in a nutshell
H using pot heavily 13-25 years old
confessed to a ONS that occurred 10 months after our wedding. I was 5 months pregnant with our second child. Stopped using pot but never sought active treatment.
61/2 years later came the "fuck it" moment where nothing else mattered but getting high.
4 years of hard core use and 2 more A's, one of which lasted almost two years and would have continued if not for the phone call I received outing the A.
Sober since d-day Aug 06
attending MA meetings but having a hard time finding a good sponsor...can't seem to get through step 4.
To say I am uneasy is a massive understatement....but I don't know how else to describe the weight I carry with me everyday. It makes it hard to take a full breath.
I am trying to learn how to take a deep breath and live a full life while being the partner of an addict.
I don't know if it can be done.