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I Can Relate Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: R'ing with an addict
SI Staff
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Default  Posted: 4:50 PM, June 13th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Posts: 10000 | Registered: May 2002
claudiasometimes
Member
Member # 19361
Default  Posted: 7:48 PM, June 13th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thank you for starting this thread. i don't ***think*** i'm alone in this situation, and even though it's early for me, i hope that we (anyone out there?) can help each other with [insert emotion here] of trying to R with an addict.

my BF is an addict. i didn't see it before, but i do now.

he is a drug addict.
he is a porn addict.
he is a video game addict.
he is addicted to keeping secrets.

it took me a long time to see these things in him. it's still early in our "R" to know where it will go. i'm hurting, but i'm trying to stay strong. anyone out there in a similar situation?


"i wish i could just stop. i know another moment will break my heart. too many tears, too many times, too many years i've cried over you." - **from the edge of the deep green sea** by the cure


Posts: 166 | Registered: May 2008 | From: ca
RedHeadWitchy
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Member # 19206
Cool  Posted: 7:55 PM, June 13th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My FWH is a recovering alcoholic (18 yrs sober) but his addiction manifested in the form of an A last year. Sucks for me! Our MC said addiction is addiction and it could have come out in the abuse of alcohol again, or drugs, gambling, etc. It all sucks. I can kind of relate to you tho, I know how you feel. He also has a huge problem lying (working on that with IC) and an internet porn addiction too


Me 35(BW) Him 37(FWH)
WhorMonica 45 (FOW QVC reject)
M 9ys,
D: 7, S: 3
In R/MC/IC

I thought I was a fool for no-one
Oh baby I'm a fool for you
You're the queen of the superficial
And how long before you tell the truth
~Muse


Posts: 838 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: Beautiful Southeastern, PA
claudiasometimes
Member
Member # 19361
Default  Posted: 8:14 PM, June 13th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i'm sorry you're going through this too, and i'm glad you posted here because i feel so alone with this mess.

i confronted him for the first time about being back on drugs on wednesday. he denied it. i sent him an email about it yesterday. no reply. in fact, no contact from him since. both in person and in my email i was very careful not to judge him or purposely make him feel like he shit. even with my loving and kind way of addressing him, i've gotten lies and avoidance. i don't know that it'll get better for me. it breaks my heart.


"i wish i could just stop. i know another moment will break my heart. too many tears, too many times, too many years i've cried over you." - **from the edge of the deep green sea** by the cure


Posts: 166 | Registered: May 2008 | From: ca
BMC0415
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Member # 14038
Default  Posted: 11:31 PM, June 13th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Claudia sorry you are going thru this. Everyday is a struggle. My H went into treatment in Nov. '07 for the drugs, but he still drinks alot and I know he fell of the wagon a couple of times.

I have tried to be firm, it is so hard especially when children are involved. You find yourself questioning everything they say. My H is better than he was, but it still is a problem that I am learning to try to deal with.


Me: 40+ Him: 40+
Married: 20+ years
D-Day: 3/7/07
Children: 24dd,23ds,21dd
10 yr. LTA 3OC w/OW 10,10,14 8/14/12-gave custody of twins to ex 8/16/12-DIVORCED!

Posts: 2910 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Maryland
hope610
♀ Member
Member # 16161
Default  Posted: 9:20 PM, June 14th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wish you all good luck. I was married to a drug addict, alcoholic, porn and multiple affair addict for 23 years. We were together for 29 years. Three weeks ago he committed suicide. He was a professional, not your typical hard core addict. He was highly functional until 5 years ago. Until then he had led a secret life and I had no idea. Last summer he went to an intensive 4 month rehab program and graduated with flying colors. They even wanted him to work there. I have been through a living hell. His funeral was huge as we were both educators and we still have a child in high school. It was very difficult to hear so many people revere my husband when only about 4 or 5 had any idea about his double life. Even his children don't know about the affairs or drugs which had bankrupted us twice. I am offering you some unsolicited advice. These addicts have had their brain chemistry changed. I feel some of the damage is permanent. My husband never recovered from the paranoia or the feeling that the affairs were not that big a deal because he still "loved" and supported us. A week before he died I bought him the book Steering Clear as has been recommended many times on these forums. He didn't open it. He relapsed and I found his body in our barn in the morning. Recently I have looked through this book and have seen every problem he had from distorted thinking to entitlement to living in fantasy and the ability to compartmentalize and minimize his other life. Please get help for yourselves. Read the co-dependency books and detach with love and kindness. Read Steering Clear and have your addict read it too. Good Luck in your struggles and don't waste anymore time walking on eggshells. Make them accountable and don't put your life on hold anymore.

Posts: 99 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: Michigan
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Default  Posted: 1:41 AM, June 15th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Multiple addictions are very common. It's pretty rare for someone to only have one. My FWH is a sex addict and also has issues with food. Apparently this is one of the most common combinations.

I'm beginning to wonder if all addicts have sex addiction. It's the one drug you carry with you, in your own brain, 24/7. You can't get your substance of choice (alcohol, drugs or whatever) so you whack off to get that comfort. That high. Food for thought.


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
brknluv
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Member # 19841
Default  Posted: 12:27 PM, June 18th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My son was 8 months old when I found out about my STBXH's first EA which turned out to be a PA. We seperated for a month and had a false R.

Just when I thought he was a changed man I got pregnant again with our daughter. Two months into my pregnancy I find out about OW#2 and a drug addiction.

I was devasted beyond anything and unfortunately had not found SI yet. Since my daughter was born I struggled to help my WS overcome his drug addiction and finally seperated last July. We lost our home, cars, and he lost his job. I realized that I couldn't help him because he had to want sobriety. I couldn't anymore because I had to take the responsibility of our babies, he was and is unfit.

Although we have been seperated for a year, he kept telling me that he wanted help and he would get it "soon" and want to come home to us. Never happened or will happen because I found out that he is sleeping with a MW who shares the same interest of drugs as he.

I found out a month ago and it's been devasting. I somehow convinced myself that I can bring him back to sobriety but the infidelity hit me harder than coping with the addiction.

I keep telling myself that he is not the man I married or know at this point. He is no longer the responsible loving father, husband, and unselfish partner he once was. In my eyes, he has died.

I just want off this roller coaster and want the strength, courage, and happiness to move forward with my babies and the "me" that has been lost.


"Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering."

Posts: 41 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: California
hope610
♀ Member
Member # 16161
Default  Posted: 4:16 PM, June 18th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

brknluv I really feel your pain. It is like no other. My WH is gone now but I will never be the same. I will keep you in my prayers. As you say they are no longer the person they were when you married. Drugs and all addictions are so damaging to so many. Those who love the addict suffer so much. You seem like a strong woman. Your children are young and have a chance for a normal life. Get some professional help if you can. PM me if you want to talk. You need to think of your children and you now.

Posts: 99 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: Michigan
claudiasometimes
Member
Member # 19361
Default  Posted: 6:47 PM, June 19th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

do all of you believe that a person that "can stop anytime" and actually does stop whenever they say they're going to is still an addict? just as easily as my BF starts using drugs, it seems, that's how he stops. just, stops. i am pretty sure that he is still an addict, but he doesn't see himself as that because he's able to stop that way. does anyone have any insight into this?


"i wish i could just stop. i know another moment will break my heart. too many tears, too many times, too many years i've cried over you." - **from the edge of the deep green sea** by the cure


Posts: 166 | Registered: May 2008 | From: ca
hope610
♀ Member
Member # 16161
Default  Posted: 8:02 PM, June 19th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Claudia -an addict is forever an addict. My FWH was clean for months at a time but inevitably always went back. It was always worse each time and the last time killed him. Addicts need to have a recovery plan where they are accountable. NA, counseling, psychiatrist or addictionist. This is a chronic mental illness. He needs to keep it in remission or it eventually destroys him and those that love him. All my love and support couldn't stop my H. You need professional help. Good Luck.

Posts: 99 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: Michigan
brknluv
♀ New Member
Member # 19841
Default  Posted: 1:44 PM, June 20th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree w/Hope, an addict is an addict. It's a very long road to recovery and whether they use drugs on and off or continuously it gets worse as time goes by. Professional help is the only way for sobriety because it is not just a physical addiction it is a physcological illness as well.


"Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering."

Posts: 41 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: California
Crushed1
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Member # 6449
Default  Posted: 12:47 AM, June 23rd (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all. I'm so sad for all of us here. This is so hard to deal with on top of everything else.

My H is an addict...alcohol, weed, and formerly porn.

I have read all of the comments above and my heart goes out to each of you. This is just brutal.

((((hope610))))...OMG, OMG...

Thank you for that book name, I am getting it tomorrow!!! I am scared, you described my H so much that it's eerie!!!!!

God bless you all and me too!


~~"You can't run away from yourself"!!! Me to my H when he descended into adultery insanity.
~~Prov.15:13 "By sorrow of the heart the spirit is broken"
~~"The day breaks-your mind aches"
~STRENGTH~PEACE~HOPE~FAITH

Posts: 9623 | Registered: Feb 2005 | From: Texas
healingtree
♀ Member
Member # 15467
Default  Posted: 8:17 AM, June 23rd (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My FWH has addictive behavior, and knows it. I talked to my IC about it yesterday...and named his addictive tendancies as one of my fears.

He was addicted to drugs over fifteen years ago, but after he ended up in jail for 6 months, got clean and was completely sober for five years.

At that point in time he admits that he became addicted to exercise to cope with his need...and escape from his unhappy home life.

When I met him, shortly after he left his first wife, he had started drinking again...but it was no more than I or many of my friends did, so I didn't think twice about it...

As far as I know, he never went back to using, although I have questioned him regarding OW#2(co-worker)...I think he might have used with her, and was scared shitless that he would do such a thing that he ran the hell away from her.

I think he was surprised that she used, because he TOLD me (didn't know he fucked her yet) that he had found out she used...and he told her to keep that shit away from him...she left our area shortly after for unknown reasons.

So FWH has been sober almost a year...there are no good recovery programs available to us in our isolated area.

One of my fears is that his alcohol addiction will shift to sex addiction, if it didn't exist already...the only thing that makes me think is he is NOT a sex addict is that in all the years I have known him, I have never seen him masturbate, ever.

However, during his cheating phase, when he WAS drinking heavy, he got into internet porn, unbeknownst to me...but lets just say that he left evidence by the computer!!! So he WAS doing this while in his completely lost phase.

No porn and no drinking are boundaries, and he has respected them.

So my question is, if an addict readily admits that he is an addict, and can see that his addictive tendancies can come out in a myriad of ways, can they actually "steer clear" and maintain a healthy relationship with support from their partner?

I don't worry so much about the addictions he knows about, and has no denial about...but the sex thing, he doesn't believe that he has ever had a problem with that, and that it is a "guy thing"...

[This message edited by healingtree at 8:19 AM, June 23rd (Monday)]


FBS 1st D-day 7-11-07, 2nd DDay Post-Breakup in 8-12
HIM - Doesn't Matter Anymore
The only thing we can change about the past is how we look at it.

Posts: 8329 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Here and Now
healingtree
♀ Member
Member # 15467
Default  Posted: 9:31 AM, June 26th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

bumping this thread in fear that I killed it!!!


FBS 1st D-day 7-11-07, 2nd DDay Post-Breakup in 8-12
HIM - Doesn't Matter Anymore
The only thing we can change about the past is how we look at it.

Posts: 8329 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Here and Now
Pukashell
♀ New Member
Member # 20020
Default  Posted: 9:40 AM, June 26th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My boyfriend has told me that you can't get addicted to weed, but yet whenever he told me he would or had quit.. he'd do it again. He says he doesn't consider it a "drug"....

Oh, and I'm pretty sure he's an alcohol-addict, too, and he has sortof admitted it to me before, in a roundabout way, although he's never gone to get help for it.

It was during drinking (and possibly drugs, most likely with the crowd he hangs out with) that he cheated on me... this coming from a guy who, even though we had problems with his addictions, never thought would hurt me in that way (with another girl).

And even though I "know" of his addictions, I don't seem to think of it as a good excuse for sleeping with somebody else.

How do you know if you want to R with somebody like this?


Posts: 17 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Small Town, Midwest, USA
hope610
♀ Member
Member # 16161
Default  Posted: 9:51 AM, June 26th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Puka - This is a long hard road. If you choose to stay just know that it is extremely tough. Addiction and cheating seem to be partners and the toll on you is tremendous. Make up your own mind but know that if you aren't married or deeply committed yet you can choose peace and happiness. If your addcit gets help and is clean and trustworthy for 2 years than you may reconsider a deeper relationship. In rehab there is an 88% chance of relapse and this is a lot like the false recovery experience that so many here are used too. It can crush your soul and make you accept things that you would never think are normal if you weren't with an addict. Read books on co-dependency and see if you recognize yourself and make a decision for you an your healthy and happy life.

Posts: 99 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: Michigan
healingtree
♀ Member
Member # 15467
Default  Posted: 10:06 AM, June 26th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

puka...

I agree with hope610...it is really important for you to look at your situation. You are not married, and have no children together.

Addiction is a struggle, always...if you have been with this same BF for 7 years, have discussed the addiction prior to his cheating, he thinks its NOT an addiction, he cheats (gee I didn't think that would happen DUH)sorry and he CONTINUES to USE any SUBSTANCES...

My advice would be to get out.

Because your future relationship will be based on the choices he makes - and an addict has to choose to accept the fact that they are an addict every single day for the rest of their lives.

If I had no ties (children, home, business) with my H, I would most likely have chosen a different path...

But everyones situation is different.

But I have kids, plan to have no more, and if this doesn't work, I really don't feel the need to find another relationship...I am probably a lot older than you too!

The only way I have been able to invest in R is because my H remains sober - from my first d-day until now almost a year later.

He is sober for himself...not behaving to please me...this I know.

If he should choose to return to drinking...I will leave.

That gives me the assurity in my heart that I won't have to go through any of this crap again...because I don't NEED him.

I just want to try.

Good luck sweetie...make the right choices for you.


FBS 1st D-day 7-11-07, 2nd DDay Post-Breakup in 8-12
HIM - Doesn't Matter Anymore
The only thing we can change about the past is how we look at it.

Posts: 8329 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Here and Now
openbook
♀ Member
Member # 12331
Default  Posted: 10:37 AM, June 26th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

living with and loving an addict...even a currently recovering sober one...just sucks the life right out of me.

I am so grateful this thread was started.

hugs to us all

here's my situation in a nutshell

H using pot heavily 13-25 years old

confessed to a ONS that occurred 10 months after our wedding. I was 5 months pregnant with our second child. Stopped using pot but never sought active treatment.

61/2 years later came the "fuck it" moment where nothing else mattered but getting high.

4 years of hard core use and 2 more A's, one of which lasted almost two years and would have continued if not for the phone call I received outing the A.

Sober since d-day Aug 06

attending MA meetings but having a hard time finding a good sponsor...can't seem to get through step 4.


To say I am uneasy is a massive understatement....but I don't know how else to describe the weight I carry with me everyday. It makes it hard to take a full breath.

I am trying to learn how to take a deep breath and live a full life while being the partner of an addict.

I don't know if it can be done.


Let us not look back in anger, nor forward in fear, but around in awareness. ~ James Thurber

Posts: 2706 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: SoCal
momofthree2007
♀ Member
Member # 14766
Default  Posted: 10:42 AM, June 26th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My signature says it all. He's been sober for over 40 days. That's the longest he's ever gone without looking at porn.


H - XWH (32) RSA
D-Day 1, OW1: 3/20/07
D-Day 2. OW2: 6/24/07
Divorced, 08/23/2012
Married 7 years, together 9
One day fling each; online As turned physical physical

Posts: 491 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Florida
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