I'm praying and hoping and wishing with every fiber in my being that IC and hard work on both our parts will let us lead clean and happy lives in the future.
YOu are in a really tough position. What plans does he have for getting sober?
I would definitely send him to rehab for a while if that is at all possible. I know it's difficult if he is unemployed, insurance problems, etc. but this is an investment in your marriage and your future.
Don't even let him come back until he is willing to do whatever you need.
If rehab isn't possible, then he needs to get to 12 step meetings, get a sponsor, etc.
What drugs is he taking? Opioids and alcohol and barbituates are the only things (usually) that demand a medical detox. If he is on speed, meth, coke, ice, he will be uncomfortable but it won't threaten his health.
My FWH also claims and believes that if he were not on drugs he wouldn't have cheated. I'm not so sure.
It's long road to hoe, and you will need his help if you want to save your marriage.It sounds like he'll need to do a lot of growing up fast to be the husband you deserve. Good luck!
WH admits he needs help and our MC/IC is making a referral for drug counseling, but it will take a long time/if ever, for him to tackle all his demons. Lord knows this man has a lifetime of them.
All that I know is that I am tired. I did not sign up for this life.
"See, when I get the strength to leave. You always tell me that you need me. And I'm weak cause I believe you. And I'm mad because I love you. S
I have a few things to say
Most important, it's easier to focus on the addict and how they need help, but anyone who is with an addict is a codependent and also needs help
There is a lot of talk about how your addicts should be going into rehab etc, but not one mention of what you're all doing about your own "addictions" to the addict and trying to rescue.
My ex (caught him cheating and left him a few weeks ago) is a recovering alcoholic. He's been sober a few years and I would always catch him in little lies, but never thought he would cheat (or maybe I just didn't want to believe it).
My ex has been going to AA 4 x a week for many years, does his 12 steps (off and on) has a sponsor yet, he still carried on his little affair lying to my face over and over.
And then in typical ADDICT fashion, he blamed me and told me it was my fault.
Then took the blame, and then said he was sorry many times.
I says he loves me, wants to get well and needs to find out who he is
Sure he does, he ony needs to find himself because I left him.
My gut says, he's lying and is just trying to make me believe he's getting well.
He tells me how sad he is and how difficult this has been.
He's shown NO remorse for what he did.
I can go on and on about him, but the bottom line is he's SICK SICK SICK!
Addicts are emotional and spiritually sick people.
It's RARE when an addict actually recovers to the point that they never act like low lives.
I've been in Al Anon for well over a year now trying to make myself healthy and realize I need to detach from a person who is SERIOUSLY destructive.
I've heard many happy endings from my al anon meetings and from some couples meetings I attended, but the ONLY way an addict can even try to function in a healthy way is if they are in a program for the rest of their lives.
And then the spouse (us) will also need to attend a program.
Being with an addict is torterous and empty.
My ex is a dry drunk and he was a BEAUTIFUL person when he drank and an asshole when he got sober.
I can only imagine all the times he's cheated and I never found out.
Addicts, whether it be drugs, booze, sex or pills, always have other addictions.
If they do not get to the core of their pain, they will never change,
My ex wants to R (I think), but I need to think if I really want to live like this.
I love my ex more than anything, but I love myself more and I'm not sure I can go through anymore of this.
There are always risks to any relationship, but being in a relationship with an addict is like standing under a tree during a lightning storm, you just never know when you're going to get struck.
I would have figured this thread would have had more replies since ALL addict are cheaters and there are many people at this site facing infedelity
He actually accused me the other day of wanting him to be an addict because it's easier for me to handle the affairs.
I don't think so!!!!!
It makes it worse, IMO, because like it's been mentioned, they are addicts for life and have to stay in a recovery program.
There is no guarantee that my WH will maintain sobriety. And that is not a comforting thought for me!
I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength!
Well, I'm sad that you lied to me, too.
I don't think he's a porn addict although he did look at porn after I explicitly asked him to promise me he wouldn't look at it alone and then he visited SI the next morning for like 1 minute and then went to view porn. I haven't seen any evidence of him viewing porn since then so I hope there isn't any other addictions besides online gaming to worry about as that one is hard enough to deal with but we'll see what happens with all this.
forgiven and in R :)
"To err is human.
My first DDay was in November when I stumbled on emails between FWH and MOW#2 (didn't know about MOW#1 until just two weeks ago on my DDay #2 when I found MORE emails). At that time he told me that the actual PA was always after a night of heavy drinking and partying with OW (they work for the same company and were traveling for business with the same group of people). I had always known that he was a binge drinker, but he admitted to me exactly how much he was really drinking weekly (he travels almost every week 3-4 nights a week and has for 11 years). He was doing his really heavy, blackout drinking on the road and limiting his drinking at home. I told him one condition of R after DDay #1 was an immediate stop to all drinking. He complied without question and stopped cold turkey. A few days after that he actually went through withdrawal while on the road traveling. He had to leave the conference early and I had to pick him up at the airport. It was enough at the time to get him to say, "I have a drinking problem." That was when he told me how much he had been drinking over time.
After DDay #1 FWH would tell me that the reason for his PA/EA with OW#2 was because I made him feel unloved/ unwanted. He "understood" that it was his fault entirely that he chose to have an A, BUT that was how he felt and how he justified his actions. I still didn't know about his other A and his "almost" ONS at that point. He was still pretty much in his A fog after DDay #1.
When DDay #2 happened it finally hit me how incredibly messed up our relationship had been and for how long. I can say without a doubt that even two weeks later I am still living in a cocoon of shock. He admitted to me that he knows he has boundary issues with women. He likes the chase the idea of being wanted. He said the PA for him made him feel guilty and was not all that enjoyable. They actually had sex 3 times and then it "cooled" down into an EA. He didn't tell me about MOW#1 after the first DDay because he didn't think "it counted" since there had been no PA. He now understands that every inappropriate encounter and thought he has had about other women (including some issues with looking at naked women online, not porn, just liking to look at pictures, even after DDay #1!) is detrimental to our marriage.
One thing that is a major concern for me is that he seems to believe that if he does everything right by being the kind of husband he should have been since day one and not drinking that everything will be fine going forward. He is starting IC on Friday, but only because I made it a requirement for R. I am worried that since he seems to think he isn't an "addict" but that he has "addiction problems" that won't really try to recover. He's rationalizing and minimizing all over the place.
Sorry for the long ramble. I was rambling on the other thread, too, so I've taken up more than my fair share of space on here today probably. I do so appreciate the help and support that's been offered to me. I didn't really understand before today that I could benefit from Al-Anon even if FWH refuses to do AA. I definitely need some help for me, too. I know I've enabled him tremendously over the years. Now I am left to deal with the pain of his A's AND finding out that he is an addict to alcohol and the thrill of the chase with women.
First, just breathe. You don't have to rush to "fix" this. It took me a month and a half of shock to be able to take a single step toward dealing with the A and the addiction. Go at a pace that's comfortable for you.
FWH would tell me that the reason for his PA/EA with OW#2 was because I made him feel unloved/ unwanted.
That's blameshifting. It's also part of an alcoholic's mindset. FWH justified his drinking and his A by making everything my fault. Learning to shift responsibility back to himself was a process that required IC for him. In the meantime, don't accept the blame from him. Verbally reject it. You don't have to do it coldly, but it is necessary so that he knows you aren't playing that game anymore.
He is starting IC on Friday
Is the IC a substance abuse counselor? If not, he needs a new IC. Beyond that, let go of the outcome for him. I know that's a tough one, but you can not control his drinking or his decision to face his addiction. He has to make that choice. That was one of the most difficult things for me to accept, but until I backed off FWH had no reason to deal with his problems... I was always there to clean up behind him and take care of whatever mess he made.
Also, are you in MC? If so, is the MC experienced with infidelity? Doing that will help him "get" what is needed to R. The book "Not Just Friends" was helpful too.
"When you can tell the story and it doesn't bring up any pain, you know it is healed." - Iyanla Vanzant, Broken Pieces
We are in MC, but I am starting to feel like maybe our C is not the best choice for us. She was actually the one to suggest to FWH after DDay #1 that he needed to tell me how he was feeling when he had the A and if there was anything I did or did not do in the marriage that made him feel justified to have the A. ??? He took that ball and ran with it, but using his passive aggressive behaviors would tell me, "I know it's not your faultI had the A, BUT . . ."
Every time we go to MC we get so wrapped up in the conversation that I never get a chance to ask her her experience with infidelity and addiction. Tomorrow we have another session and this is actually the first thing I am going to bring up.
Thanks again for all of your help! I have a better understanding of this whole addiction side of our R than I could have hoped earlier today.
She was actually the one to suggest to FWH after DDay #1 that he needed to tell me how he was feeling when he had the A and if there was anything I did or did not do in the marriage that made him feel justified to have the A. ???
I'd fire her. No MC experienced in infidelity would do that. It's important for your H to be completely accountable for the decision to have an A, regardless of what was going on in the M. Plus, add in addiction and his perception of events is already skewed based on his seeking various justifications for drinking. Alcoholics are selfish. Period. FWH spent years blaming me for everything from the weather to tire going flat. Of course, he could point out things I did that justified his A.
Seriously, I'd look for an MC that was more experienced with infidelity. If you are lucky, you can find one that deals with couples reeling from addiction issues too.
Alcoholics are selfish. Period.