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User Topic: R'ing with an addict
Missymomma
♀ Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 3:40 PM, February 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, in COSA and CODA the focus is on me and not the addict. He is to be working his program and I am to work mine. Not sure how it is in Al-Anon. To me just not divorcing him is support enough. I guess I don't really get what you mean by supporting the addict. It just sounds a little codependent. Just trying to keep the focus on me and what I need, as that has been overlooked for entirely too long in the relationsip


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
Tiredofthepain
♀ Member
Member # 37932
Default  Posted: 4:26 PM, February 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am married to a SA and I totally think you should be supportive as long as they are doing the work.
You can support your H by just listening to him and praising him for achieving recovery. Being co dependent would be doing it for him, but you can work on yourself and be supportive of him at the same time.
If you are in the marriage together, then it only makes sense to me to be supportive of each other and the work you both have to do. JMHO


ME-BS 48
HIM-WS 38
WS is SA, multiple visits to prostitutes.
Status: Hanging in there

I would rather be told a hurtful truth than a comforting lie.

Posts: 559 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: NC
Tiredofthepain
♀ Member
Member # 37932
Default  Posted: 4:26 PM, February 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am married to a SA and I totally think you should be supportive as long as they are doing the work.
You can support your H by just listening to him and praising him for achieving recovery. Being co dependent would be doing it for him, but you can work on yourself and be supportive of him at the same time.
If you are in the marriage together, then it only makes sense to me to be supportive of each other and the work you both have to do. JMHO


ME-BS 48
HIM-WS 38
WS is SA, multiple visits to prostitutes.
Status: Hanging in there

I would rather be told a hurtful truth than a comforting lie.

Posts: 559 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: NC
Missymomma
♀ Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 4:56 PM, February 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We have been discussing in both if my meetings to stop with the "helperism" aspect of codependency. That is where I am coming from. His recovery is for him. I do say I appreciate it when he approaches things with me differently. That is where I am with my recovery. He is finally really getting it and he is after recovery for himself, not for me. It is finally such a different experience. Not me insisting he do the work and needing recognition from me for every little step in recovery.


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
RockyMtn
♀ Member
Member # 37043
Default  Posted: 8:55 AM, February 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tired and missy momma, I identify with both of you. Al anon definitely espouses focusing on yourself just like s-anon, I think. I'm doing that at least for today. Sounds like we all are. I do think the line between supporting and "doing" can be crossed without knowing it especially in these early stages.

Like missy, I'm a little more focused on the hands off support. Missy says not divorcing him is support enough. True. And some of the things I'm doing, such as creating time for him to go to AA (not forcing, not reminding, not prodding - just offering to be home with the kids) are more indirect support. I suppose I could require him to get a babysitter. But I want to be home and all I'm doing is communicating to him my schedule.

Right now, though, I'm backing off being a cheerleader. That kind of support feels unhealthy and, frankly, it doesn't do jack shit. Expressing appreciation, as missy says, is about all I can do. I ask sometimes how he is feeling being sober.

Tired, I can't even discern right now if he is doing the work, you know? I get that you feel support can be tied to someone who is in recovery. I agree. He is sober. Going to IC, AA. But that isn't the work in and of itself. As a wise SIer told me - attending meetings and therapy isn't necessarily the work. Doing the work goes so much farther than that, truly working the 12 steps. Anyway, I'm too new to this to assess his work, and I'm too detached right now anyway. That's down the road for me, but I do think al anon would agree that supporting someone in active, meaningful recovery is an important part of the process.

We talked about apologizing last night at my al anon meeting. It devolved into discussing anger. We hold onto our anger as a way to feel powerful. Which I guess I knew but in looking at the al anon steps and admitting our powerlessness over others and alcohol...this idea of rage or anger as a self serving tool of power hit me like a ton of bricks.


Me, BS, 30s
Him, WS, 30s, Steppenwolf
Kids: Yep
D-Day 1: September 2011, 6 week EA
D-Day 2: January 2013, discovered EA was a PA; there was another PA in 2010. All TT.
Goal = serenity.

Posts: 664 | Registered: Oct 2012
Missymomma
♀ Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 8:55 AM, February 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So are any of you guys working the steps for codependency? Just wondering what anyone else's experience is. It has been many years since I have done a 4th step.


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
RockyMtn
♀ Member
Member # 37043
Default  Posted: 5:33 PM, February 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Missy, I'm not in coda. I don't think I'm codependent? I've thought about it, looked at it, and it doesn't feel right. I exhibit some of the control patterns. I also worry that I'm staying in this toxic situation far longer than I should. But a lot of it doesn't ring true for me.

Is codependency kind of assume for those of us with addicts?

I wish you the best of luck with step 4. That looks crazy hard. I'll get there one day, too, with al anon. Even if we D, I plan to work the steps since he is my co parent.


Me, BS, 30s
Him, WS, 30s, Steppenwolf
Kids: Yep
D-Day 1: September 2011, 6 week EA
D-Day 2: January 2013, discovered EA was a PA; there was another PA in 2010. All TT.
Goal = serenity.

Posts: 664 | Registered: Oct 2012
Missymomma
♀ Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 6:58 PM, February 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Rocky - I think it is usually assumed that if you are with an addict that you have some level of codependency. From the testing I've done mine is in my primary relationships and more about staying bonded and supporting someone when they are a danger and bad for me. I am not a people pleaser, so that part of it doesn't fit. I think with the SA that I have been much more confrontational and insistent about treatment than I was with the DA. The SA is just much more traumatic for the spouse, it hit our relationship hard. The 4th step is tough but it was really helpful when I did it many years ago. It helped me see where I had wronged people, as well. There was one ex-boyfriend I had made amends to and we were very close friends up until my current H couldn't stand me keeping an old boyfriend as a friend.

[This message edited by Missymomma at 7:18 PM, February 5th (Tuesday)]


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
AFrayedKnot
♂ Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 5:39 AM, February 6th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I worked a 4th step years ago when I first started the process. At the time i was single so the focus was more about how I acted in failed relationships in the past and mostly how I put things before people (drugs, alcohol, sex, money, Ect.)

I am in the middle of another one right now. This one is filled with much more emotion. The focus in more on our relationship and family. It is how I put other people before myself.

Every time I do step work it strips from me these preconceived notions of who I am or who I think I should be and shows me glimpses of who I want to be and who I really am.

When people really do step work, I mean really do it you will know. The change in their demeanor and personality will be glaring.


BS 39
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better. Reconciled from the A's but still working hard for a better tomorrow.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2416 | Registered: Aug 2012
RockyMtn
♀ Member
Member # 37043
Default  Posted: 3:50 PM, February 7th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Missy, yea, I thought they might be how you would answer...that it is assumed those of us with addicts are co dependent.

So is everyone in R co dependent? I realize a lot probably are but I guess I didnt think that supporting a wayward was necessarily a flag for co dependency. I mean, they are all bonded to and supporting someone who has trashed them.

For me, my H has shown issues with alcohol the entire marriage but the admission of alcoholism was recent (although I've probably been in denial about it, too). His drug use was totally hidden. So, in a way, I didn't even know I was being hurt, so bonding with him or whatever wasn't co dependent.

I think I'm confused. But also totally interested. Do you think that working the steps in al anon will help with any minor or residual co dependency? I mean, a lot of it is owning your powerlessness and leaving the alcoholic to their own devices (largely) in recovery.

I can see how the SA has been more of a struggle. I can. Not to minimize any other addictions but sex is inherent to a healthy marriage yet it has also been the source of immense pain. I have an eating disorder and there are some similarities there in the sense that I have to eat food but food has been my enemy, too. You can't cut it out like you can with alcohol and drugs.

Thanks for coming back to this thread.


Me, BS, 30s
Him, WS, 30s, Steppenwolf
Kids: Yep
D-Day 1: September 2011, 6 week EA
D-Day 2: January 2013, discovered EA was a PA; there was another PA in 2010. All TT.
Goal = serenity.

Posts: 664 | Registered: Oct 2012
Missymomma
♀ Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 5:10 PM, February 7th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Rocky, I think it just depends. Personally, I did a lot of testing to show where my codependency lies. Thank goodness, it isn't something that usually happens in friendships or work for me. Just my primary relationships, and that is plenty! would think Al-Anon steps would help. The 1st step for CODA is admitting that we are powerless over others. In general, I think that is an amazing approach. I cannot make anyone feel, think or behave the way I want them to. I can, however, have appropriate boundaries for myself.

Chico - I started working on the 4th step but my IC asked me to wait and concentrate on preparing myself for the new disclosure we are having next week. I think it will have a lot more in it than last time. Hope you are having great success with yours!


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
AFrayedKnot
♂ Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 8:55 AM, September 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

bump


BS 39
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better. Reconciled from the A's but still working hard for a better tomorrow.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2416 | Registered: Aug 2012
Topic Posts: 192
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