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User Topic: R'ing with an addict
♂ New Member
Member # 20521
Default  Posted: 7:37 PM, August 5th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am dealing with this hard core right now. I dealt with the addiction horribly and I know it. I found out about a crack addiction in december 07 and instead of immediately getting her help I ridiculed and mocked and called her horrible names and then, ignored her and the problem. It was easier for me, and totally the wrong thing to do.

I am fairly confident at this point that the drug addiction caused the A but that does not make it any easier to deal with. Also, my lack of proper response and dealing with the situation just makes it harder.

She is in Rehab hundreds of miles away from me and the kids - I got them out of the house when the addiction finally got so bad she stole money from her mother who is on SS to the tune of 17K.

She has said all the right things so far, but not to my face, and I know she has a lot to deal with coming off the drugs.

This is terribly difficult, complex and really becoming a waiting game to see what will happen.

Glad I found this place.

[This message edited by Bitaken at 7:39 PM, August 5th (Tuesday)]

DDay -7/30/2008

Posts: 8 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: RI
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Member # 19841
Default  Posted: 5:35 PM, August 6th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome to SI Bit,

I read your profile and I'm sorry to hear about the pain you are going through. I completely understand what you are experiencing and wish I could send some words of wisdom your way to ease the hurt and anxiety. However, the only thing I can recommend is that you keep the focus on healing yourself (body, mind, and soul).

It took me a long time to accept the fact that I was a codependent dealing with my husband's addiction. All my emotions and energy went towards his multiple attempts at recovery and battling his demons. Somehow, it took multiple A's to make me realize that I will no longer have the husband he once was and had to think about our children and my well being to have some normalcy back into my life.

My only advice to you is go see your doctor for IC, anti-d's or family support. Because I too am still dealing with letting go of a drug addict and trying to focus on my life once and for all. I recommend some reading material you may want to try, "Codependent No More & Beyond Codependency" by Melody Beattie. I hope this helps and keep posting.

With luck,

p.s. feel free to read my profile and pm me.

"Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering."

Posts: 41 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: California
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Member # 16642
Default  Posted: 8:23 AM, August 12th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Does your addict also have an addictive personality?
How do they treat you when you are out to dinner, etc? Are they still selfish?

I am R with one, now for five months. Yes, the ups and downs are there. Recently, I felt completely disrespected when he choose to speak with a woman whom he did not know. Of course, she thought he was single since there was no ring on the finger "that day". Also, seating himself before me, ordering before me etc.

When I bring things up, which I have learned to do now, we end up in a fighting match and my anxiety spirals out of control for days.

I am slowly accepting the fact that H will forever be in recovery. But when he displays his outgoing personality to someone he doesn't know, it really makes me feel worthless.

I recently found an article in a magazine about our choices. It weighs heavily on reacting or creating. We can either react to a given situation or create good things for ourselves.

Easier said than done. It is hard to control our internal emotional feelings again and again. Rebuilding our trust banks takes time and focus. It is very hard to build the bank up just a quarter of the way then whammo it is back to square one.

BS must choose to lead their own paths and establish boundaries they will accept. When our spouses display inappropriate behavior we must learn to call them on it even though they become defensive, but soon it does sink in that it is unacceptable in our eyes.

Dr says it will take two years clean to even begin to accomplish a good life.

Posts: 227 | Registered: Oct 2007
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Member # 17636
Default  Posted: 1:50 PM, August 12th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I picked my H up Friday morning at rehab. He acts like he really gets it now. He also says he understands now that I wasnt just bitching that he truly did hurt me & the kids & he will not do that to us agian. I have made a I need list I havent read it to him yet. I have told him a couple of them & he agrees & understands I need these things. Here it is

I need all your free time for us!
I need to know you are being honest!
I need you to be completely open to me!
I need you to know even if I will get mad you cannot lie to me!
I need consant reassurance you are devoted to me & the kids!
I need all your love the way it was before drugs got in the way!
I need you to know I will not tolerate any lies if you do it will be over!

Feel free for any suggustions on things that need to be added.

I know now that the way I dealt with him & his addiction in the past was wrong & breaking that habit is very hard. In the past I would yell & scream & put him down for it. I think I was trying to guilt him into stopping you know making him feel like shit so he wouldnt do it anymore. Now I am gonna try my best to not let my anger take over & to try & be understanding & supportive. Yes I do expect for him to fall of the wagon but I want him to feel comfertable to talk to me about it & let me help him to not do it agian. The biggest problem I had with his addiction wasnt even the addiction it was all the lies. I know that probably doesnt make sense but it really was. He is out doing odd jobs right now trying to make money to get our bills caught up & trying to get a real job to. I love him so much & I can tell as for right now he gets it & wants to save our family. So as long as he is trying & being truthfull I swill stand by him & be here for him.

Bitaken I feel for you but reading your post reminded me so much of me. Good luck I hope your W is doing as good as my H seems to be when she gets out. I often wonder if they will ever truly understand how much pain they have inflicted on us. In a way I really dont think they could deal with it.

I am glad to see some people posting on here now!!!

Daughter-5 ours
Son-11 mine
Married 6 1/2 yrs
Together 9

We deserve better me & my kids will never come second to a pill, a whore, or a drug dealer ever agian.

Posts: 218 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: ky
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Member # 18132
Default  Posted: 6:44 PM, August 25th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


"Don't let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game."

Posts: 1828 | Registered: Feb 2008
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Member # 20189
Default  Posted: 1:00 PM, August 27th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm glad for this thread. My WH is also a drug addict.

I don't even know where to start because writing my story all over again is just way to painful.

My mother in law and my myself are in the early stages of planning an intervention. Does anyone have any experiance with this?

So not only am I trying to R with my WH who works with the FOW, I'm going to have to soon say goodbye to him for at least 6 weeks while he is at rehab.

I'm honestly at the end of my rope. If he refuses rehab, I think I'm just going to cut my losses. We have no children, but we will have one big financial mess when everything is said and done.

ME: BS 33
Him WH 33
D DAY 06/21/08 Busted
D DAY #2 07/20/08 Found a condom
D Day #3 07/24/08 Found out OW's real name
D Day #4 08/22/08 Found out OW works with WH
R Status 01/16/08... R'ng is going well and I'm working on forgivness

Posts: 139 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: GA
Member # 11692
Default  Posted: 8:16 AM, September 1st (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In my situation, the only thing that helped is when I detached. We went through the fighting, the lies, the unacceptable behavior.

And then H was arrest for DUI. I was sitting home with his mom, who HE invited over for dinner, and he never showed up. I finally tracked him down hours later - at the police station. The found him wandering around a busy highway - on foot - after he crashed the car. They had trouble booking him because he kept falling asleep, he was covered in his own urine. It was about 12 hours before he woke up enough to be processed by the intake nurse at the ER, after his FATHER bailed him out.

I refused to bail him out. I figured after many warnings, he still made that mess and I wasn't gonna just clear it up for him. I did go to the ER in the AM after I got the kids to a babysitter. When the nurse asked him if he wanted to go to rehab he asked me what he should do.

My answer? It is totally your decision. No matter what happens you aren't comiing home with me, you are on your own now. I told him if he wanted to live I'd recommend rehab, but it wasn't my decision.

He did his rehab stint, and I still didn't take him back right away. He went to a halfway house. After he stayed clean there for a while, I took him back.

And you know what? He has been clean, sober, and OW for 2 years now. There is always hope. But as much as we want to, it isn't something WE can do for them.

(((hugs))) for all who find themselves here.

Me - BW
Him - WH

Posts: 6618 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: Massachusetts
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Member # 15467
Default  Posted: 8:36 AM, September 1st (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

R'ing with an addict has an additional challenge...

The double whammy of fear/doubt regarding them having another A, and fear/doubt that they will be able to stay sober.

I wonder if there are different kinds of "addiction behavior"...are there some addicts that act out to sooth underlying psychological issues, and then others who have that addictive brain chemistry?

FBS 1st D-day 7-11-07, 2nd DDay Post-Breakup in 8-12
HIM - Doesn't Matter Anymore
The only thing we can change about the past is how we look at it.

Posts: 8329 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Here and Now
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Member # 18132
Default  Posted: 8:44 PM, October 30th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


"Don't let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game."

Posts: 1828 | Registered: Feb 2008
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Member # 21452
Default  Posted: 5:44 PM, November 3rd (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi, just wanted to jump in and say hello. My WH has been in NA for almost 3 weeks. I am starting to break the ties and have started filling out the divorce papers. Although filling out and filing are 2 different matters. I know it's the right thing to do but it's still hard. I'm realizing that I am a cody and trying to heal myself first!

Me - BS

Posts: 109 | Registered: Oct 2008
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Member # 21721
Default  Posted: 10:10 AM, November 21st (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am new here and so glad that I found this site. My husband is a drug addict. We have been together for 14 years, but only married for 5. We have a 10 year old son together. He has been in prison for most of the last 10 years. He recently was released and everything was great. A few months ago he started using again. He has since stolen everything of value out of our home, rented my car for drugs, and the lastest, stole my son's birthday gifts. I kicked him out after that. We are still in contact, but I know that a divorce is what I need to do. I am heartbroken and feel so alone. I di not understand what could make a person hurt the people they love and that love them. I try to stay strong at work and while at home with my son. But at night all that strength goes away and I fall apart. I have been seeinf an IC for a few weeks. I know what I need to do, but can't seem to make myself do it. I love him so much, but I am trying to realize that I can not change him. Thank you for reading my story.

Posts: 3 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Jacksonville FL
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Member # 20956
Default  Posted: 11:44 AM, November 21st (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just noticed this thread. My WH is/was also an addict with cross-addictions. He is a Sex Addict, Drug Addict (cocaine), and Alcoholic. The Drug & Alcohol addictions have been managed but they were so scarey... theft, destruction of property, sucide attempts, physical & mental abuse, in & out of jail, etc... you name it. He had been through programs and treatment centers (in-patient & out-patient)over the past decade or so... it has been a very long road to recovery... many years with many relapses along the way. Thankfully, he has been straight-sober for some time now. However, his sex addiction (which was linked to the other addictions)was underground all that time and didnt come to light until Aug-Sept of this year (read my profile) under terrible circumstances. Now he works a 12Step for his SA issues (and to reinforce this continuing sobriety from Drugs & Alcohol as well)... again, its a tough time, but he is working very hard- has a very long way to go though. I just give credit to his consistent actions only. I learned the hard way to NEVER believe anything you hear from an addicts mouth, and only believe half of what you see. Addicts are very clever manipulators at "showing" you things that appear as steps in the right direction... Just know, for better or worse, only consistent actions over time will reveal the truth of who they are and what they are doing.
Unfortunately, overcoming addiction is never a "quick fix"... one or two stints in a treatment center doesnt even come close to amending the issues- it only starts the process. I didnt fully understand the true meaning of that when WH was going through all his Drug & Alcohol issues... but I get it clear as a bell now. I mean, I Really get it! Sadly.
I do know that even though he no longer uses Drugs & Alcohol that he very much needs the support of his 12 Step, as he told me about his last ONS "If I would have found some cocaine that night instead, I know I would have probably relapsed with cocaine instead of having an ONS." That tells me in bold colors that he still has unresolved issues with his dependency... he viewed his ONS (which was a 3-minute anonymous semi-f*ck in a parking lot and then he high-tailed it outta there)as a "fix" for his habit.
Again, miles to go for my WH... but he will get there, I hope.


DDay- 14 Aug 08, 16 Sept 08, 22 Sept 08, 7 Oct 08, 27 & 28 April 09
Trickle Truth is Brutality

Posts: 150 | Registered: Sep 2008
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Default  Posted: 4:01 PM, December 1st (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wonder if there are different kinds of "addiction behavior"...are there some addicts that act out to sooth underlying psychological issues, and then others who have that addictive brain chemistry?

good question, healingtree.

I don't know the "facts" on this but my guess is that it's likely there are two (or more) types of addicts.

I'll have to look into it further...

Let us not look back in anger, nor forward in fear, but around in awareness. ~ James Thurber

Posts: 2706 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: SoCal
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Member # 21211
Default  Posted: 3:56 PM, December 9th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"openbook" have you tried Al-anon. I know it has helped me very much.
good luck and remember his addictions are not your fault

year later.
Hard to believe that I put so much into the relationship with WW.
I did learn many valuable lessons that Iíve taken onto my next relationship.

Never make someone a priority who only makes you an option.

Posts: 160 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: minnesota
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Member # 19238
Default  Posted: 6:14 AM, December 10th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I too belong here and wish I didn't. After a major shift in his understanding of how he hurt me in May 2008, I felt more secure and was intending to make a romantic proposal in the New Year that we start over in this marriage with honesty and commitment.
Then I found the most stupid lie, he went to a movie, I found the ticket, and didn't tell me. He just avoided all mention and led me to believe his bush walk with a group took extra long time. As I confronted him about his lie he quickly admitted to broken promise or two, accessing a bikini site. Harmless in itself but he had undertaken to not along with the porn. He deleted the history. He said he would not do that previously.
A week later his full admission turned out to be another lie, more access this time to porn on line. Minor slip ups or just lies about stupid inconsequential stuff.
Romantic proposition is off. Reconsidering my directions including re-introducing condoms to our marriage. My life is worth it.

DANCE as though no one is watching you. LOVE as though you have never been hurt before. SING as though no one can hear you. LIVE as though Heaven is on Earth ... Souza

Posts: 20 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: NSW, Australia
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Member # 12331
Default  Posted: 6:37 PM, December 19th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

aprilbetdme, I went to Al anon meetings for awhile and read a bit of the literature. I agree with much of the philosophy but it didn't work well for me in practical terms.

I'll explain further if anyone is interested.

ETA: hugs for savvy...sweetie I'm so sorry!


[This message edited by openbook at 6:39 PM, December 19th (Friday)]

Let us not look back in anger, nor forward in fear, but around in awareness. ~ James Thurber

Posts: 2706 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: SoCal
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Member # 18250
Default  Posted: 10:16 PM, December 19th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

this is me, I guess. I think I am R'ing for now.

I have an overwhelming feeling that I will never trust him, though. not even because of an inentional betrayal on his part, but that he isn't capable of complete honesty because of the addiction.

its really hard for me to settle for that.

BW 48
FWH 59 recovering alcoholic
M 17 years
4 kids (ours): 9, 12, 14, 16
1 grown (his): 30
DDay 2/16/08 w/ 26 year old (vomit) after a year of false MC
Status: trying

Posts: 733 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: MA
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Member # 11701
Default  Posted: 9:01 PM, December 29th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well I guess I have found another part of SI that I belong.
My H has been addicted to lies,secrecy,pot,deception,pills,an lta and a constant cycle of keeping chaos in our lives.
My H formerly abused pot in his younger years.He developed an addiction to Rx painkillers and has relapsed.
I caught him and confronted him and the status of our R is still being determined,in part by what steps he will take to get clean and stay clean.
Following the night I caught him,he has not touched them again so far.He is in search of new therapy and is doing reading on his own in the meantime.
I plan to read this entire thread and apologize for posting without reading everyone's struggles in advance.
This is the first time I've ever said this in this way,I'm UU,my H is an addict.I am a recovering codependent.

[This message edited by usedup at 9:02 PM, December 29th (Monday)]

Posts: 15831 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: found
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Member # 22127
Default  Posted: 10:38 AM, January 2nd (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH has an alcohol addiction and just those sheer words scare the shit out of him. He has gone to one AA meeting and was very moved by it. He will probably go to another tomorrow. There was a quiz they gave "newbies" and he passed it with flying colors as far as alcohol addition.

He seems to be accepting it. I am trying to support him. Last night we went to dinner for the first time since I found out about the A. It was also our 10 yr anniversary and first day I told him he could come home.

Instead of ordering a drink, he ordered a tea. I ordered a shake. I didn't want to drink a wine in front of him even though he said I could.

I'm nervous because we are going away in two weeks to an all inclusive. I KNOW I'm going to want to at least have one drink only I don't want to do it in front of him... I actually feel guilty...

Dday 12/10/08 EA to PA to EA "This is the fear This is the dread These are the contents of my head Do you know how I feel? Why?" Annie Lennox

Posts: 1114 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Cognitive Turmoil
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Member # 12331
Default  Posted: 5:39 PM, January 3rd (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


WELCOME! we are a quiet group...but I, for one, will do my best to provide support and help us all navigate these rough waters!!

Let us not look back in anger, nor forward in fear, but around in awareness. ~ James Thurber

Posts: 2706 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: SoCal
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