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I Can Relate Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: R'ing with an addict
BrideisGone
♂ Member
Member # 16460
Default  Posted: 3:59 PM, June 16th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My marriage was fine when She could party...

Posts: 209 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: Minnesota
BrideisGone
♂ Member
Member # 16460
Default  Posted: 5:37 PM, June 16th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

my ex is an addict, Mary k,
shoes, expensive SUV, ... had more Mary K than anyone, not even a baby's ass was smoother than what she packed on her skin... the purses... HOLY SHIT,,,,, the shoes i swear were worn only once....lazer surgery, botox.. fashion... Oh yeah this is called "Retail Therapy" not addiction... bull... What is any different than a heart condition, cancer, whatever... it all depends on what you are willing to do for the marriage.. I guess .... My buddy did divorce his chubby wife for getting a DWI and had fake boobs.... Sounds a little over the top to me... or another blame tactic... it all depends on what you want & do not want... sorry but true...

Posts: 209 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: Minnesota
futureseemsbleak
♀ Member
Member # 16642
Default  Posted: 7:38 AM, June 26th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I truly believe my WS is not longer drugging with coc. I believe it has been 1.5 years. I did see an immediate change only in not having a short fuse as before.

I guess what I am seeing now is residual effects of the damage. He says one thing a few weeks back then the topic comes up and he denies he ever said it. I'm relating to just simple things.

We are S'd for the second time, now going on five months. He is very depressed and cries alot. We did go through R, only to last ten months. Then the disrespect, verbal abuse was here again.

I have read where it takes an addict twice the amount of time to heal from when he first started using. WS doesn't understand what he did to cause so much pain.

Any thoughts would be appreciated.


Posts: 227 | Registered: Oct 2007
brokenheart10
♀ Member
Member # 23603
Default  Posted: 2:08 PM, July 6th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I need advise on love addiction. My WH has finally come to terms with the fact he is an addict. It's rush of the hunt, the new relationship, the admiration not the actual act of sex that he is addicted to. We live in So. Cal. Anyone know of any good treatment programs for this? He said he is willing to get any type of help he can. Does anyone have any experience with this? Also, my other question is can an addict work on recovery while still living in the same house? Trying to do in house seperation, how does that work?


me:42 BS
him:44.serial cheater
DD:12
Married: 16 years
Too many affairs
Too many false R's
D final: 10/17/11
he remarried 10/29/11

Posts: 227 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: So. Cal
brokenheart10
♀ Member
Member # 23603
Default  Posted: 1:14 PM, July 9th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ANYONE??


me:42 BS
him:44.serial cheater
DD:12
Married: 16 years
Too many affairs
Too many false R's
D final: 10/17/11
he remarried 10/29/11

Posts: 227 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: So. Cal
futureseemsbleak
♀ Member
Member # 16642
Default  Posted: 9:19 PM, July 17th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My best advice to you is let him find his own treatment center, counselor or rehab..don't do it for him, don't dial the phone and make the appointment.

I made the mistake of just handing him a pamphlet (thought I was "helping") and it didn't work. He did go and talk with someone and they ended up handing him a note that said "you are here for your wife and not yourself".

So, about three months later he still didn't retain any help at all. His behavior got worse and I finally threw him out. For my husband, this helped him find his own way and helped him realize what he was losing...his whole family. He did get sober, but has some kind of residual effects (I think) of the drug. Got back together, then s'd again due to his verbal abuse etc...not even sure where it came from??

In house separation must have conditions by you. If he does get into some kind of treatment, you need proof he was there. Also, expect some kind relapse as this happens alot with any kind of addiction.

Write a list of what your conditions are and stick to them. He has to realize that you will no longer put up with his behavior.

Also, if he will be attending SA meetings, SI members have suggested meetings be all male. As you can imagine they being in the same room with the opposite gender with the same problem. Not good, not healthy...

It's great that he admits and realizes he has a problem and wants help. This is the first step among many and usually long term.

I sincerely hope he appreciates you for standing by him. Support him as much as you can without being too enabling.

My first instinct was to help him, it's natural. I just wish I had realized the fact that I can't early one, it would have saved me from so much mental trauma.

Good luck and I hope this helps..I commend you in working with him.


Posts: 227 | Registered: Oct 2007
openbook
♀ Member
Member # 12331
Default  Posted: 3:31 PM, September 2nd (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

H hurt his back a few months ago while I was out visiting with some friends. Both friends have back problems and as a result have lots of medication on hand. They loaded me up with pain killers (vicadin sp?), sleeping pills and muscle relaxants. Anyway, all the way home I wondered what to do. I struggled so much. Could I/ should I deny him relief from the pain he was in? If I gave him the vicadin would I be starting him on the slippery slope? It felt like a moral dilemma. I ended up giving him the sleeping pill that night and the muscle relaxant in the morning. He took OTC stuff for the pain.

I didn't even mention the vicadin. Several days later he admitted to wondering where I had put the pills and knowing that he could take them and just "feel better" this was after the pain had gone. After that I got rid of the vicadin. I'll be damned if I start his next relapse...Holy Shit!!


I know this thread isn't read much...but I really need a game plan here...if I am ever in a situation like this again.

[This message edited by openbook at 3:32 PM, September 2nd (Wednesday)]


Let us not look back in anger, nor forward in fear, but around in awareness. ~ James Thurber

Posts: 2706 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: SoCal
openbook
♀ Member
Member # 12331
Default  Posted: 3:42 PM, September 3rd (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

maybe if I sit here pouting someone will come by...


Let us not look back in anger, nor forward in fear, but around in awareness. ~ James Thurber

Posts: 2706 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: SoCal
whatnowaz
♀ Member
Member # 24543
Default  Posted: 3:50 PM, September 3rd (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'll take a shot at it....so you can get painkillers from friends. In turn you are giving them to H so he can relieve the pain from his back? And you are feeling responsible for him possibly becoming re-addicted? Am I understanding?

If he has a problem or past problem with addiction to PD (prescription drugs) you are absolutely helping him into a relapse. If that is not your intention than stop! PD addiction can be an extremely hard one to beat. I believe you have your answers and not sure why you would get yourself involved in this. If your H has a problem he needs help. Good you threw the other stuff out. The game plan would be don't get any PD from friends. Your H needs to see a Dr. if he needs some meds.
Im not suggesting this is easy, but it really is pretty cut and dry....


ME(BS)-33
HIM(WH)SA(not officially Dx)-41
Married 8 years
together 15
D-day too many to remember
most recent 6-16-09
kids 4,12,14

They say "Love conquers all" Well, I am afraid they are WRONG!


Posts: 174 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: arizona
openbook
♀ Member
Member # 12331
Default  Posted: 5:55 PM, September 3rd (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thanks for getting back to me. I hear what you are saying. As far as I know H has not had a problem with any PD. They have not been his drug of choice.

It all just sorta happened fast. It was late at night I was at the friends house and they offered the medication. He had just hurt his back that evening. It hasn't been an issue before. I took them and realized on the way home that I might be doing the wrong thing. Not typing this out to justify just so I understand better myself.

Thanks for helping me see how cut and dry it really is.

[This message edited by openbook at 5:58 PM, September 3rd (Thursday)]


Let us not look back in anger, nor forward in fear, but around in awareness. ~ James Thurber

Posts: 2706 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: SoCal
whatnowaz
♀ Member
Member # 24543
Default  Posted: 5:38 PM, September 4th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know it's easy to just help him get rid of the pain. But, you have to think of the ramifications. I have known people that have gotten clean from drugs/alcohol and in turn become addicted to other meds. It's scary. I hope your H can stay sober.


ME(BS)-33
HIM(WH)SA(not officially Dx)-41
Married 8 years
together 15
D-day too many to remember
most recent 6-16-09
kids 4,12,14

They say "Love conquers all" Well, I am afraid they are WRONG!


Posts: 174 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: arizona
Tnkrbell23
♀ Member
Member # 22181
Default  Posted: 12:20 AM, September 9th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

New to this thread but curious to ask a question. My H sober 10 months from alcohol (hiding a major drinking and porn problem) plus got sober and disclosed a four night stand WTF. Anyway, I hung out for 10 months and just moved out. My WH wouldn't stop LYING. And keeping secrets, etc. I told him there aint no rebuilding unless/until you STOP the lying and secrets, and nudity. My question is this- Are there any of you out there whos H are in recovery but a PRICK? I mean, I hate to say it but my WH was nicer before he got sober. Maybe it was manipulation, but I am really coming to believe the booze and porn has fried his emotions. Any input would be helpful....

Posts: 64 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: L.A.
openbook
♀ Member
Member # 12331
Default  Posted: 4:06 PM, September 18th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tnkrbell,

Is your H in a recovery program?

If not the term for what your have in a spouse is dry drunk. That means all of the addiction crap (the mindset, attitudes, entitlement, intense emotions etc) are still very much a live and well in your H. He's just missing what used to be his coping mechanism.

From what I have heard a dry drunk can be much harder to live with.


Let us not look back in anger, nor forward in fear, but around in awareness. ~ James Thurber

Posts: 2706 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: SoCal
cautiousoptimist
♀ Member
Member # 24222
Default  Posted: 1:32 AM, September 19th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My FWH used alcohol, weed, prescription pain meds, benzos, along with any other thing he could get his hands on, hallucinogens, etc.

Believe me when I tell you that him being sober is a huge surprise.

When he was a dry drunk, he was definitely a complete dick.

Now that he's in recovery, he is on a much more even keel, but all of his cute sweetness is gone; he says he has a really hard time having any feelings.

This is disappointing and sucky for me. He is much less of a jerk, but also just much less, period.

I am trying to be grateful for progress not perfection.


Me: BW, 43
Him: FWH, 50, alcoholic/drug addict in rehab, staying sober
D-day:4/30/09
Marriage 11 years
In R, doing our best
I will have it even so.

Posts: 652 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: san diego
only mad at her
♀ Member
Member # 25612
Default  Posted: 5:17 PM, October 2nd (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hey everyone, i am sooo sorry you are here because i personally know it adds a whole new level of pain to an already extremely painful situation-the A. and you have to sit there and agonize if the A is a direct result of the addiction, and if they weren't sick it wouldn't have happened. and does that make it any more ok? my WH's A is a DIRECT result of his very serious narcotic addictions. his A happened at LITERALLY the exact same time he started heavily heavily using and our therapist told us she is an 'escape drug' meaning when addicts don't have a drug anymore they will get a new job, move to a new city, latch onto a new relationship..etc. especially with a relationship, that works best for them, cuz they don't have to live with the addict and this OW doesn't really know my H, he's just a charming guy. anyways, if anyone want's to talk, i definitely do not have any answers but i've gone through it and then some...you cant PM me anytime...

Posts: 57 | Registered: Sep 2009
cowboytakemeaway
Member
Member # 3486
Default  Posted: 2:24 PM, November 24th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Shameless bump. I am not trying to R right now, but I'm hoping to some day. He has to get sober before that is even a consideration, but the bottle is my breaking point.


Come Monday, it'll be all right...

Posts: 424 | Registered: Feb 2004 | From: Pennsylvania
sinned badly
♀ Member
Member # 8168
Default  Posted: 8:18 PM, November 30th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I posted something on the General site entitled "All addictions" Check it out. You may, or may not find an interesting concept there. Good luck in your difficult situation.


Me- FWW (54)
FBH- (toonyne) (56)
2 affairs 1976 & 1982, 2 ONS, and that's only the beginning

Posts: 322 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: canada
stlmomof5
♀ Member
Member # 25685
Default  Posted: 10:18 AM, January 15th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H is an addict. I have know about his struggle for years. For the last few weeks, he is has been really bad. He has opened up to me more about his addiction lately. I dont know what to do. I have tried to gather his family around him but they push me away like it is my problem. He needs help.


BS-32 (Me)
WH-38
5 kids
married 13 years

Posts: 88 | Registered: Sep 2009
TryingMyHardest
♂ Member
Member # 27168
Default  Posted: 7:11 PM, February 15th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I started a thread in "Just Found Out" titled "Does Addiction Mitigate?" A lot of people posted some really good information there.
My WW has been clean, as my signature says, for 8 months now. I had suspected the affair but had no solid proof and, to be honest, I was willing to deny it. I don't know if I could have handled it all at once, and I don't know if I can handle it as it is right now. What I can say is that I absolutely would not have kept my kids around someone I knew to be an addict. I would have taken that to a lawyer and to the judge and used it to be sure I kept my kids. I can also say that addiction does not in any way excuse infidelity, but it can be considered a sort of... mitigating factor, for you only, in how you deal with it. You can use it, your WS shouldn't. Dealing with the addiction was hard. Dealing with infidelity has been harder.


Married 2006
2 kids, 4yo
D-Day 1: December 30th 2009
D-Day 2: 2/1/11
D-day 3: 2/13/11
D-Day 4: 3/28/11
WW Drug addict for 2 years, Morphine, Fentanyl, Xanax, clean since June '09
5 OM, about 20 seperate sexual encounters

Posts: 215 | Registered: Jan 2010
CAT5
♀ Member
Member # 15843
Default  Posted: 7:01 AM, February 24th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can only relate my experience. I became of aware of my husband's addictions through his alcohol use. We got through that rehab.

About two years ago, I became aware of compulsive sexual behavior - some of it very, very damaging to me - that was also assessed as sexual addiction, and his counselor thinks it is his 'base' addiction.

Considering what I have been through, I would not voluntarily sign up for this. I don't know your BF, can't feel your emotions or know more about your relationship, but I can tell you that sex addiction is progressive, and what may seem 'mild' now - porn - will get worse. It could get bad enough that your life is eventually in danger. I'm not trying to scare you, but I do want to relate that it proceeds just like all other addictions - to the point where the addict does things he/she does not believe later.

Other present addictions are a pretty good indication that sexual compulsivity will follow that pattern.

Sending you hugs, care, concern.

(My reply was to an earlier post. I'm rusty - haven't been on the site for months.)

[This message edited by CAT5 at 7:03 AM, February 24th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 56 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: East Coast
Topic Posts: 192
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