I guess what I am seeing now is residual effects of the damage. He says one thing a few weeks back then the topic comes up and he denies he ever said it. I'm relating to just simple things.
We are S'd for the second time, now going on five months. He is very depressed and cries alot. We did go through R, only to last ten months. Then the disrespect, verbal abuse was here again.
I have read where it takes an addict twice the amount of time to heal from when he first started using. WS doesn't understand what he did to cause so much pain.
Any thoughts would be appreciated.
I made the mistake of just handing him a pamphlet (thought I was "helping") and it didn't work. He did go and talk with someone and they ended up handing him a note that said "you are here for your wife and not yourself".
So, about three months later he still didn't retain any help at all. His behavior got worse and I finally threw him out. For my husband, this helped him find his own way and helped him realize what he was losing...his whole family. He did get sober, but has some kind of residual effects (I think) of the drug. Got back together, then s'd again due to his verbal abuse etc...not even sure where it came from??
In house separation must have conditions by you. If he does get into some kind of treatment, you need proof he was there. Also, expect some kind relapse as this happens alot with any kind of addiction.
Write a list of what your conditions are and stick to them. He has to realize that you will no longer put up with his behavior.
Also, if he will be attending SA meetings, SI members have suggested meetings be all male. As you can imagine they being in the same room with the opposite gender with the same problem. Not good, not healthy...
It's great that he admits and realizes he has a problem and wants help. This is the first step among many and usually long term.
I sincerely hope he appreciates you for standing by him. Support him as much as you can without being too enabling.
My first instinct was to help him, it's natural. I just wish I had realized the fact that I can't early one, it would have saved me from so much mental trauma.
Good luck and I hope this helps..I commend you in working with him.
I didn't even mention the vicadin. Several days later he admitted to wondering where I had put the pills and knowing that he could take them and just "feel better" this was after the pain had gone. After that I got rid of the vicadin. I'll be damned if I start his next relapse...Holy Shit!!
I know this thread isn't read much...but I really need a game plan here...if I am ever in a situation like this again.
[This message edited by openbook at 3:32 PM, September 2nd (Wednesday)]
maybe if I sit here pouting someone will come by...
If he has a problem or past problem with addiction to PD (prescription drugs) you are absolutely helping him into a relapse. If that is not your intention than stop! PD addiction can be an extremely hard one to beat. I believe you have your answers and not sure why you would get yourself involved in this. If your H has a problem he needs help. Good you threw the other stuff out. The game plan would be don't get any PD from friends. Your H needs to see a Dr. if he needs some meds.
Im not suggesting this is easy, but it really is pretty cut and dry....
They say "Love conquers all" Well, I am afraid they are WRONG!
It all just sorta happened fast. It was late at night I was at the friends house and they offered the medication. He had just hurt his back that evening. It hasn't been an issue before. I took them and realized on the way home that I might be doing the wrong thing. Not typing this out to justify just so I understand better myself.
Thanks for helping me see how cut and dry it really is.
[This message edited by openbook at 5:58 PM, September 3rd (Thursday)]
Is your H in a recovery program?
If not the term for what your have in a spouse is dry drunk. That means all of the addiction crap (the mindset, attitudes, entitlement, intense emotions etc) are still very much a live and well in your H. He's just missing what used to be his coping mechanism.
From what I have heard a dry drunk can be much harder to live with.
Believe me when I tell you that him being sober is a huge surprise.
When he was a dry drunk, he was definitely a complete dick.
Now that he's in recovery, he is on a much more even keel, but all of his cute sweetness is gone; he says he has a really hard time having any feelings.
This is disappointing and sucky for me. He is much less of a jerk, but also just much less, period.
I am trying to be grateful for progress not perfection.
About two years ago, I became aware of compulsive sexual behavior - some of it very, very damaging to me - that was also assessed as sexual addiction, and his counselor thinks it is his 'base' addiction.
Considering what I have been through, I would not voluntarily sign up for this. I don't know your BF, can't feel your emotions or know more about your relationship, but I can tell you that sex addiction is progressive, and what may seem 'mild' now - porn - will get worse. It could get bad enough that your life is eventually in danger. I'm not trying to scare you, but I do want to relate that it proceeds just like all other addictions - to the point where the addict does things he/she does not believe later.
Other present addictions are a pretty good indication that sexual compulsivity will follow that pattern.
Sending you hugs, care, concern.
(My reply was to an earlier post. I'm rusty - haven't been on the site for months.)
[This message edited by CAT5 at 7:03 AM, February 24th (Wednesday)]