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User Topic: OC support thread BS Only
SadMommie
♀ Member
Member # 17718
Default  Posted: 12:17 PM, July 7th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi everyone,
My H has informed me that we (ie - me) need to sacrifice more for our marriage. This led directly into a conversation about the OC spending time with the COM. My kids know about the OC and have even been around him twice. I just don't feel comfortable that I need to schedule play dates and the such so he can parent this child. How much more do I need to sacrifice???? I am already in terrible pain and hurt, what more do I have to sacrifice???
At what point do I know enough is enough???? I am so confused, hurt and angry.


Me - 36
H - 35
Kids - D-6years, S-3year
OC - 2 year old
OW - POS crazy 25 year old
D-Day - April 10, 2007

"I am where I am because of the bridges that I crossed." - Oprah Winfrey

"Excuse me, what level of Hell is this?" - Bu


Posts: 91 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: Virginia
lonely&depressed
♀ Member
Member # 19779
Default  Posted: 12:49 PM, July 7th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sadmommie.....I completely understand your pain. This is the primary reason that I have decided not to have contact with OC. Your H obviously wants contact with OC but if your not ready or don't want to at all he can't force it on you. With all the pain and hurt he has caused you, the very least he can do I respect how you feel. Honestly, he is being selfish. Spending more time with OC is beneficial for him but he can't forget that OC is HIS child not yours. You have to establish your boundaries clearly. Maybe that means that when he picks OC up he should make it an outing with COM so that you don't have to be there. I commend you. I don't have the courage to look at OC's face. I broke down when I mistakenly found a photo. Protect your feelings and do whats right for you first. Your feelings are valid and can't be ignored so that your H and OC can have a relationship. The focus can't always be on your H and OC. YOur H needs to find the balance that both you and he can deal with.

Posts: 157 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: New York
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 2:36 PM, July 7th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

lonely&depressed....Yes COM were taken into consideration for CS, slightly. Our D was 1 1/2 years old when CS was set, and when our 1st S was born the state lowered my H support a whopping $14 a month! Aren't they generous?! The court order does state that my H gets to claim OC on his tax return each cause he derives the greater benefit. We didn't even bother to have the CS altered after our 2nd S was born since it was reduced so little when our 1st son was born and it costs so much to go back to court($350, and that was 6 years ago). I guess I would say that my H support is a reasonable amount, but it still ticks me off that OW was on welfare when support amount was set so she got more money. We may be able to have the support reduced cause she is married now and we have moved to a higher cost of living state and she is working now, but again it costs a lot to go back to court.And it doesn't really make any difference for us to file seperate taxes since I am a SAHM and my H would claim COM on his taxes anyway.

[This message edited by auntcis at 2:38 PM, July 7th (Monday)]


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
dreamer1
♀ Member
Member # 13716
Default  Posted: 3:18 PM, July 7th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hope erveryone had a nice 4th weekend. We went out of town together, actually to the town were OP lives, so he made me feel comfortable in the surroundings, and spent alot of quality time with me. Even took a whole day off to be with me He hasen't done that in a real long time..

I took him and dropped him off at work on thursday, and a ex-friend of the marriage was there, she pretended to be a friend of mine, but was the one that introduced OP and FWH. Op is here dear friend. But when H and I walked into his work she was there, and came right up to my H and gave him a big hug. WTF. I did not say anything cause this his my H place of business, and not the proper time, but later that evening I did mention that I found it very disrespectful on her part and that her texts to him and communication needed to end. Her H works my H and they have seperated and she is always texting and calling my H about things, and she is constantly telling Op what is going on in our lives. H I think understands my feelings on this now, but if does say anything is another thing all together. I really wanted to text her, but then she would think she got to me, and she would run the the OP and give her the notion that I can still be gotten to. The OP posted the twins pictures on her myspace yesterday, and put the comment " they look like ther daddy" WTF, yes they do. All his children do.

We finally had our talk last night, I asked H to write me a letter on his feelings for me and what he feels would help me to heal. So when I have bad days or triggers come up, I could read it to get my spirits back up, and to stop wanting to talk to him to get validation or reassurance from him as much. I think this will halp me, from time to time, I know it wont always be what I need, but I believe it will make me feel better, and he is also going to the emotional needs questionaire. I let him know that How I was feeling about the babies, that I wish I could of had that bond with him. . But for the first time in all our talks, he didn't go to his cave for the rest of the evening afterwards, maybe for 15 min. but then he was afferctionate the rest of the evening, unlike all the other times. Very good sign, that we are becoming stronger.

Now on to the other thing bothering me, I have heard that the OP has become very ill, and getting worse, that maybe they don't expect her to make it another 5 yrs. So we may end up raising the twins. I don't think that would be to hard if I don't have to deal with her on a daily bases, but that is still sometime in the future. And it is not a 100% sure thing, you know.

I have really been focusing on myself again, now and realise that I have been putting to much effort in the tomorrows, and not the todays, so from now on I am gona starting living in the day, cause I am missing out on so much of the moments, thinking of tomorrows, when they aren't even here yet.

Don't play games with a girl who can play them better....


S(he) Be(lie)ve(d)
Me-BS 48
Him-FWH 50
Friends 34 yrs-Married 26 yrs
D-Day 1/20/2007
LTA-To Many False R to count and D-days, Last D-day June 11,2010
4 stepchildren SS 28, SD 29, Twin SS 2yrs.
Twin OC, born 6/23/2008
Trying to see if R is pos

Posts: 558 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Arizona
BMC0415
♀ Member
Member # 14038
Default  Posted: 9:08 PM, July 7th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sadmommie,

This is too new for you to have to deal with if you are not ready. Again I am hearing from your H about his needs, ehat about yours? The OW mother still have the OC? Do you feel comfortable with him visiting OC as long as OW is not involved?

The fact of the matter is he needs to sacrifice more for the marriage, not you. Is he taking time away from COM to spend with OC? I personally feel that you have been more than accomodating not only concerning OC but also dealing with nutjob OW.

I don't know what else to say but that I am thinking of you and hoping that things get better.

Dreamer, How do you feel about possibly raising OC? It is a very important life changing decision. Would the OW willingly give them to you, or do you think you H would have to fight for them? I am glad that you are focusing on yourself, very important right now. I am thinking about you also and wishing that your situation goes the way you want it.

Lonely & depressed, one thing that I have found out during my research into child support, it seems to be one sided. From what I have seen. Even when a mistake is made, it is vey difficult to get it straighten out if you are the paying party. Seriously get all the legal advice you can, hope things go well for you as well.


Me: 40+ Him: 40+
Married: 20+ years
D-Day: 3/7/07
Children: 24dd,23ds,21dd
10 yr. LTA 3OC w/OW 10,10,14 8/14/12-gave custody of twins to ex 8/16/12-DIVORCED!

Posts: 2910 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Maryland
redvixen
♀ Member
Member # 15259
Default  Posted: 10:04 AM, July 8th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dreamer, raising the OC would be infinitely easier if the OW were "out of the way". (Not that I'm wishing a speedy death on her or anything.) In our case we have two of my H's kids (another one lives with another family member in Florida). Their mother walked away over 9 years ago and has not had any contact since. (last we know, she married again and had at least one other child. Who knows if she's even still with that kid.) In a way it's much easier not having to deal with the "other parent". Don't forget the possiblilty that you could get custody earlier if the OW becomes incapable of caring for them. How do you feel about it? What is wrong with the OW?


Me, BS Him WS early 40's at the start, cheated before and after cancer diagnosis.
Two A's, two OW's, online looking for sex partners, two false R's.
Threw him out in January 2009.
Divorce final March 30th, 2010

XWH died Dec. 2010


Posts: 4104 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: New Jersey
prayingandcrying
♀ New Member
Member # 20182
Default  Posted: 11:54 PM, July 8th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H received a phone call last week from the OW wanting to have a DNA test done on her 2 year old. I have a 1 year old at home. Over the last 2 years we have worked hard on our R and things were actually going really good for us. Now I feel like all our hard work has been flushed down the toilet. I feel like there are times during the day I can't even breathe.

Posts: 13 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: middle of nowhere
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 7:23 AM, July 9th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((prayingandcrying)))

First of all welcome and sorry you find yourself here.

Does your H think there is a chance that OC might be his? OW in our situation waited until OC was 4 months old to tell us she had even been pregnant, but for OW in your situation to wait 2 1/2 years makes me think she isn't too sure about the father. I would advise you and your H to get a lawyer and send the OW a NC letter telling her there is no need for communication between her and your H until after DNA is done. Please don't let your H send her any money or anything and make sure you do all DNA testing through the courts. As long as you and your H act as a united front you can make it through this. Make sure your boundries are clearly set with your H. You don't have to make any final decisions about visitation or going NC or anything until after DNA is established. It can be a rough road ahead, but if you and your H stick together you can make it.


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
BMC0415
♀ Member
Member # 14038
Default  Posted: 2:09 PM, July 9th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((Prayingandcrying)) I agree with everything that AuntCis has said. Yes this is going to be difficult, but if you do this as a united front, treat this like a business situation you can make it. It is very important to know what you are dealing with. Good or Bad.

Has she had any contact besides this call? Keep posting when things get overwhelming and they will for a while, especially while you are awaiting the results.

Good luck to you I hope things go the way you want.

[This message edited by BMC0415 at 2:17 PM, July 9th (Wednesday)]


Me: 40+ Him: 40+
Married: 20+ years
D-Day: 3/7/07
Children: 24dd,23ds,21dd
10 yr. LTA 3OC w/OW 10,10,14 8/14/12-gave custody of twins to ex 8/16/12-DIVORCED!

Posts: 2910 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Maryland
prayingandcrying
♀ New Member
Member # 20182
Default  Posted: 5:48 AM, July 10th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The OW was continuing to call and text my H. He told her it had to stop and if the OC was his there would be discussion then. The OW was pissed and sent a few more angry texts.
My H thinks it is possible it could be his.
I think why this is coming up now is that the OW and her H are getting a D. She had let him beleive it was his and he even adapted her 2 other children by 2 other men recently. They also have 1 together. From what I understand she is enaged to someone else now while she is waiting for her D to be final.
This is the kind of person my H choose to spend time with instead of me??
Right now I not only feel hurt and confused but embarassed!

Posts: 13 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: middle of nowhere
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 8:32 AM, July 10th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OW sound like a real piece of work, and she sounds similar to OW in our situation. Why our H's choose these type of women is beyond me .

I too felt embarassed at first, until I came to the realization that I had nothing to be embarassed about. I wasn't the one who stepped outside our marriage. The shame was my H NOT mine.

You and your H should get a lawyer and have them send a NC letter to OW, until then do your best to ignore any communications from her. Hang in there, good luck


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
dreamer1
♀ Member
Member # 13716
Default  Posted: 10:57 AM, July 10th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Having a bad day.

H is staying away tonight, just an old trigger. He has a meeting in the morning which last all day out of town..

But I did do something that I am not sure how he will handel it. See we had our talk about the letter I would like and the emotional needs questionaire. He works 13 hr days and said when do I have time, I told him he needed to find it, well this morning I snuck into his suitcase and put a pad of paper and the questionaire in it, maybe thinking while he is in his hotel tonight he could work on it. Hopefully that goes over ok.

Lately I have had no motivation to do anything, All I want to do is sleep, is this a stage again. or am I becoming depressed over this whole situation.

Questions; Did any of you ever ask why they didn't use some kind of percations to keep from getting them pregnant, and if so what was there response. Mine said he used a condom when asked, then when found out she was pregnant, asked again and he said he was drunk. WTF.
Other question, When I asked FWH could he promise me he would never do this again to me, he couldn't promise, so I talked about it again later, cause it really bothered me that he couldn't promise something like that to me now. I told him maybe he couldn't promise because either he has had promises broken to him, or cause he made promises to me in the past and broke them, but he finally did say, that he would never cheat on me again, but without the promise in the statement. So I can except that, is that an okay statement, or should I insist on a promise, even though it's just words. I just feel I have worked so hard on salvaging our marriage, that he can't promise me something like that, WHY ?

The OP posted pictures of the babies on her myspace, and put the caption "they look like their daddy" WTF.
this doesn't sound like she is over him yet, to me. I'm still so very scared that there is more contact than he leads me to believe, how can a person not keep up with what is going on with their babies. And how can she accept that he is not checking on them, or coming to see them.

Just a bad day sorry. H really has been more in the present with concerns to me, and I love it, just letting thoughts control my emotions again.

Worried and Afraid of being hurt so severly again.


S(he) Be(lie)ve(d)
Me-BS 48
Him-FWH 50
Friends 34 yrs-Married 26 yrs
D-Day 1/20/2007
LTA-To Many False R to count and D-days, Last D-day June 11,2010
4 stepchildren SS 28, SD 29, Twin SS 2yrs.
Twin OC, born 6/23/2008
Trying to see if R is pos

Posts: 558 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Arizona
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 11:55 AM, July 10th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((dreamer)))

I'm sorry you are having a bad day.

Everything you are feeling is normal. There were days when had it not been for my COM needing me I wouldn't have even had the strength to get out of bed.It will get better with time .

Sounds to me like OW is just posting those things to upset you, try to avoid going near anything she may have posted. You'll be better off, I had to learn it the hard way. Unless you find some kind of evidence that your H is having more contact than he has led you to believe then try not to read too much into it. My H has not had contact with OC/OW in 7 YEARS and a few months ago OW posted and old picture of my H and a new picture of OC and a picture of herself to take a "test" to see which one of them OC looked most like.OW has always tried to ruin our wedding anniversary and this was her attempt this year. Again stay away from OW myspace,she is just trying to upset you, don't let her win!

I did ask my H if he ever thought of using protection, and he told me that he never thought of cheating and each time they were together he told himself it would be the last so he never bought any protection . My H has also said that he would never cheat again, but said it without the word "promise" and it was good enough for me. But if you need to hear the word then I think you should tell him this is one small thing you are asking and he needs to say it.

Like you said, your H having to be away is probably a big part of why you are feeling do down. It used to make me crazy even for my H to call me and tell me he had to work overtime, and I had his paycheck to prove where he had been .

I have used the sneak it in when he isn't looking method with notes and thing's for my H too, it usually went over alright.At least this way your H will see how important it is to you and that you aren't just going to let it go. I hope it works out O.K.

Keep your chin up, it will get better


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
dreamer1
♀ Member
Member # 13716
Default  Posted: 12:57 PM, July 10th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Auntics.

You are probably right, it's just me letting triggers, get the best of me, an old girlfriend just called, that I have kind of cut myself off from, and asked me to lunch. (I'm going) I have let this cut me off from my world to much, I'm really going to try and get myself doing things again, I was happier when I lost all the weight from this terrible ordeal, but now putting some back on, and need to firm that shit up, . I especially want to look really good for the first time I do a face to face with the OP. As she is much heavier than me, and just want to her to know what she is really up against. Not to make it seem like it makes a difference, but it will to me, It will exlude my confidience much better, if you get what I mean.

Your post did help me see things differently, thanks again.


S(he) Be(lie)ve(d)
Me-BS 48
Him-FWH 50
Friends 34 yrs-Married 26 yrs
D-Day 1/20/2007
LTA-To Many False R to count and D-days, Last D-day June 11,2010
4 stepchildren SS 28, SD 29, Twin SS 2yrs.
Twin OC, born 6/23/2008
Trying to see if R is pos

Posts: 558 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Arizona
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 2:01 PM, July 10th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Glad to help


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
BMC0415
♀ Member
Member # 14038
Default  Posted: 5:48 PM, July 10th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Praying,

Boy this OW is a real winner isnt she!

Have you and your H discussed how you are going to handle this situation? The best thing is to get lawyer if you can afford it. See what the test says and it will takes 6-8 weeks or more after the test is done to get the results, then go from there. In the original Other Child Thread on the 1st page there is a list of things to consider in this situation. You might want to check that out.

Dreamer good for you, take time for yourself, it is going to be a tough road for a minute. And AuntCis is right dont engage the OW by looking at her page. She is not only trying to get a reaction out of you, but she is glorying her wrongdoing. You dont need to look at that.


Me: 40+ Him: 40+
Married: 20+ years
D-Day: 3/7/07
Children: 24dd,23ds,21dd
10 yr. LTA 3OC w/OW 10,10,14 8/14/12-gave custody of twins to ex 8/16/12-DIVORCED!

Posts: 2910 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Maryland
dreamer1
♀ Member
Member # 13716
Default  Posted: 3:46 AM, July 11th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well just to let you know, all is ok with slipping the stuff into his suitcase, bad timing on part, but worked out okay. He called and talked all the way, while he was driving to his destination. I never mentioned about what he should expect. But he had a shity day, a key employee walked out this afternoon on him. So I listened as went on about his day, which was nice to him express himself, which he does not do much, but I felt good to be his release point, go to person

So anyway he wanted to hit the sack early and catch up on some much needed rest, but he called after unpacking, and said he will sork on it before turning in, he knows how much it means to me. (Good job honey, he is finally starting to get it all.) See over the course sence d-day I have asked all sorts of request, but he always made stupid reason up not to do them, or would just not, hoping it would just leave my mind, which some did. But he actually wrote me a letter, and did the emotional needs questionaire.

Now I'm very anxious to see, and read them.. This is the best day I have had in a very long time. What an accomplishment. I really believe we can make it for sure now. He stepped up to the plate.


S(he) Be(lie)ve(d)
Me-BS 48
Him-FWH 50
Friends 34 yrs-Married 26 yrs
D-Day 1/20/2007
LTA-To Many False R to count and D-days, Last D-day June 11,2010
4 stepchildren SS 28, SD 29, Twin SS 2yrs.
Twin OC, born 6/23/2008
Trying to see if R is pos

Posts: 558 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Arizona
scooter3377
♀ Member
Member # 11425
Default  Posted: 7:17 AM, July 11th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am not sure if this has been re-posted on this new thread but I had a request to go ahead and post it here.

Two years ago I was in an OC situation. Thankfully now that is over with. I feel for everyone here. I know what you a going though at least to some extent. This was sent to me when I started here and has been posted on the other OC threads. It was very helpful to me and hopefully is helpful to some of you as well.


Below are some helpful starters for "newbies":

OC HANDBOOK (courtesy Me&My3)

1. Dna results must be established and your H should hire an atty immediately if he hasn't already done so. DO ABSOLUTELY NOTHING ON YOUR OWN ONLY THROUGH AN ATTORNEY SKILLED IN FAMILY LAW.

2. If you have children of your own with your h take steps to protect them and yourself by filing for a pseudo legal separation; because in the case of child support, he who files first gets the most (in most states). It doesn't matter one bit which child came first only who files for support first. So if she files first she gets an amount based on his entire income and if you then get separated/divorced your child support would be based on a percentage of his income less what he's already paying her. Makes sense to protect yourself by filing for a separation that way if you and your husband divorce you will benefit more and if you stay together it will keep more money in your household. Even if you're financially self-sufficient you should still consider setting up a child support order because in these uncertain times you never know what tomorrow will bring i.e. corporate downsizing, etc. It never hurts to have that order in place even if you don't need it now. Also consider having alimony set up in the separation papers as it can also reduce the ow's child support order.

3. Visitation with possible oc or sending money to the ow for the oc is a no-no until dna has been established and the courts are involved. Everything should be done legally as it's the only way to protect you and your family. Trust me on this one. There are couples out there who have been dealing with an oc for several years. Visitation, money, etc. only to discover that the child is NOT his. They are embroiled in a huge legal battle because the wayward husband "assumed" parental responsibility of the child.

4. Depending on which state you live in your h could be responsible for back child support, internment (costs of labor and delivery), the costs of the dna test if it's positive, current medical coverage and also a portion of child care costs. Any money that passes hands before a court order is made or before an attorney draws up a legal document signed by both parties may be considered a gift and may not be deducted from the back support amount owed. Some states base child support payments on both the husband and the wives income (another good reason to file for a legal separation). In other words the 'household income' is what they use to determine those payments not just the husbands income.

5. Any decisions to have contact with the oc if it is indeed your H's should be made by both of you. He should not be imposing his wants upon you if you want no contact. ANY decisions made regarding the possible oc should be made jointly. Your H should not be having any contact with ow unless you are both completely involved. That means no phone calls, no text messages, no emails, no meetings, nothing and NO SECRETS! PERIOD! But if you're smart--DO ABSOLUTELY NOTHING ON YOUR OWN ONLY THROUGH AN ATTORNEY SKILLED IN FAMILY LAW.

6. Work on your marriage first and foremost before you even consider having contact. A weakened marriage will only be further weakened if you throw the tension of an oc into the mix. Get into marriage counseling and IC if possible. You can look around this board and see how difficult reconciliation is without an oc so take things slowly and think through them very carefully.

7. Contact with oc is a very personal choice. Many women are able to make the decision to go down that road while others are not. There is a lot of drama that goes along with contact, it's not an easy path to choose. Also consider that visitation can be started at any time down the road. If say in two years you are then open to the idea of contact the child won't have suffered if your husband wasn't involved for the first couple years. It won't even know the difference.

8. Remember that if the oc is indeed your husband's child the ow will no longer hold all the cards. If the two of you want contact she can't prevent it. She can't prevent you from being involved, etc. She can't call all the shots, only the courts can. Once she decides to attach paternity to your husband she is forfeiting a portion of her parental rights.

9. Make sure that you dot your i's and cross your t's in the form of legal documents. If you're adamant about no contact, have it in the papers. If you want to prevent her from making contact with your children or extended family put it in the paperwork. If your H is responsible for a portion of child care costs require ow to only use a licensed child care provider which will prevent her from having her momma watch and claim she's charging $250.00 a week when she's really charging nothing at all.

10. Protect your financial assets such as homes, etc. If you don't have a will get one now. If anything were to happen to your ws the ow would be able to fight you for a portion of everything if indeed the oc is his. Many people create a will that specifically excludes the oc or they leave the oc some small stipend such as a dollar so that the old "he forgot to include me" argument can't be used. If you intend to have a relationship with the oc should dna confirm that it's your H's then this is all a moot point.

11. If you and your spouse do decide to have contact document everything. Keep a notebook and list everything possible in it from the time the oc is picked up/ dropped off to whether or not they were dirty when you got them from the ow. This information has come in very handy for others in the same situation that ended up having to fight for custody, etc and it's one more way to protect yourself.

FAQs wrt OW/OC:

Q: What if there is an OC? Submitted by PHOEBE

A: This complicates so many things in a marriage I cannot answer it all but will hit on the highlights. There are many questions that need to be answered when it comes to dealing with an other child. First you must find out if the child is the H with a DNA test? Seek out a family attorney to consult with. This is a must because a family must know their rights. Too many get empty threats from the OP involved and they do not know any better so tend to believe many things untrue. Try to protect yourself and your children of the marriage legally.

Does the married couple want contact or no contact? NC or C are not easy, keep in mind wait to make an informed decision. I want to make it clear it is usually easier to heal a marriage without contact with the OP/OC initially. Contact can always be established later on after the marriage is repaired or far along as it can be in the healing process to consider contact with the OC.

It is a personal decision to include OC in your household or not. Neither choice is good or bad. Consider that it may be great to have the OC involved in 2 separate families that are amicable or it may be detrimental to the OC to have to deal with 2 hostile environments. Many times the OC was not planned and the adults involved cannot get along, take a step back and think long and hard about the child's best interest.

The OC is no more important than the COM or the BS. You do not have to change your lives around to accept anyone. I know you may want to fix everything for your Spouse but you must let him take responsibility for his own actions. DS this is some of what I have to say about this if someone has already answered it you can add it. This is a complicated situation with too many variables

Q: How do I deal with continued contact with OW because of OC? Submitted by Bee-Trayed

A: The decision on how to handle an OW/OC situation is a deeply personal one. Some BS find that they have it in their hearts to make the OC a part of their lives; others do not. There is no right or wrong answer to this situation. However, when it is the WS's choice to have contact with the OC then certain "battle" lines must be drawn with the OW, to facilitate the re-establishment of trust in the marriage.

This is best accomplished by establishing a clear understanding between the BS and WS of what will and will not be acceptable or allowable boundaries. Here are some hypothetical:


NC whatsoever with OW/OC
Contact with OC possible but with BS present
Neutral zone for visitation; no visits at OW's home, etc.
Legally drawn up contract stating acceptable parameters for OW to contact WS.
These are just a few sample suggestions. Remember, once there is an OC involved, and paternity has been established, BOTH parents have rights. Make them work for you. It is unbalancing and counter-productive to find yourself on the defensive with the OW.

Establish, with the assistance of your spouse, what your "comfort zone" and rights are with the OW, then send a clear and UNIFIED message to the OW of what you will and will not tolerate. This helps the BS to re-establish some control over a situation that is tragic for all concerned, but in which they, along with the OC, are also a victim.

Q: What do we tell our kids about OC? Submitted by Bee-Trayed

A: Many BSs express concern over telling their children about the existence of the OW/OC. Fear of emotional trauma to the COM, damage to the parental relationship between the WS and COM, or other negative consequences relating to the A abound. How, or if, a BS decides to divulge this information is also highly individual and neither right nor wrong. Family dynamics, the ages of the COM, and other factors unique to the BS's family environment influence the decision.

Relying on one's instinct is probably a good place to start. If there is any uncertainty as to the affect disclosure may cause, then it is probably better to wait until a more opportune time arises. Children are resilient, but that does not mean they should be unnecessarily wounded or burdened with this knowledge.

Examining one's motives for exposing the OW/OC's existence may be one aspect to consider. Preparing them for a possibly unpleasant encounter with OW/OC at a future date might be another. Knowledge is power, but not if it creates a destabilizing environment for the COM. Consider all options and then take your time making the decision. Choosing the right time or place, and striving to neutralize the emotionally charged nature of the subject, can make the difference between a "successful" disclosure and a devastating one.


Me BS - 35,
Him WS - 42
M 10/2003 (together since 09/1999)
1 son / 2 dogs
2+ years PA and EA with co-worker
#1D-day: 3/12/06; #2D-day: 11/3/06 (found out the "Rest of the Story")
4/11 Status: reconciled the affair- still dealing with t

Posts: 1553 | Registered: Jul 2006 | From: Raleigh, NC
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 8:46 AM, July 13th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OW has dropped off the face of the planet again,figuratively speaking. I should be glad right? No news is good news as far as I'm concerned. I just get so tired of waiting for the other shoe to drop, and it always does eventually with her .


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
firstandthird
♀ Member
Member # 17022
Default  Posted: 4:01 PM, July 13th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I totally get how you feel, auntcis. We haven't heard from OW since she said she'd be filing for CS. The kid has been born since May 22, 2008. They haven't even ordered DNA or anything. OW has his e-mail, current mailing address, she knows how to contact. I'm glad taht we aren't hearing from her; on the other hand, in my state, they calculate CS from the date of birth, so if this is his kid, we're already 2 months behind not counting the welfare expenses he will probably need to pay. WTF?? What is the hold up. The waiting game makes me completely bananas. I feel like I can't consider us on our way to D or R (looking like R at this point, but next week, who knows?? LOL) until that stuff gets resolved.

I'm glad you haven't heard from OW, maybe she finally gets it, doubtful but here's hoping for you.


Me: BS 26
Him: WS(ONS) 27
Wedding Day: Mar 17, 2007
ONS: Sept 4, 2007
OC born: May 22, 2008
Nov 25, 2008: Found out the OC is not his!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Posts: 108 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: ohio
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