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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: OC support thread BS Only
BMC0415
♀ Member
Member # 14038
Default  Posted: 8:06 PM, July 17th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Once,

Glad to see tha you have joined us over here. I do agree with you, I dont know if they are purposely making children but they are being reckless. My H told me that he did it for so long that it became second nature. He had his family with me and he thought he had his family with her. I dont think he still can fully explain what he was thinking.

Everyone, please, please get tested for STD's if you have not already. I got HPV which lead to cervical cancer. If I had not been checked out, the cancer would have spread before they were able to remove it.

The sad thing is this kind of betrayal has so consequences, it effects so many people. It is like I told the OW, when you sleep with someone else's husband you dont get a happy ever after, you dont get true love, you dont get a full time daddy for your kids, you get nothing, emptiness and unfortunately that is what the BS sometimes get as well.

[This message edited by BMC0415 at 8:40 PM, July 17th (Thursday)]


Me: 40+ Him: 40+
Married: 20+ years
D-Day: 3/7/07
Children: 24dd,23ds,21dd
10 yr. LTA 3OC w/OW 10,10,14 8/14/12-gave custody of twins to ex 8/16/12-DIVORCED!

Posts: 2910 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Maryland
prayingandcrying
♀ New Member
Member # 20182
Default  Posted: 5:05 PM, July 20th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We got the test results back and the OC is my H. He call the OW to tell her and they planned to meet today so he could see the OC. That's where he is right now. Yesterday after he told me he left to go to a birthday party and then out drinking with his friends. He said he had a stressful day and needed to get away. WTF!

Posts: 13 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: middle of nowhere
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 7:04 AM, July 21st (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((prayingandcrying))))

I'm so sorry that the results came back this way.

Do you and your H have a plan of action that you are going to take now?


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
lonely&depressed
♀ Member
Member # 19779
Default  Posted: 9:29 AM, July 21st (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

prayingandcrying


I'm sorry your husband decided to go out to his party and then out for drinks instead of spending time comforting you. Perhaps he is a bit selfish and doesn't think that you could be a stressed out as he is. Have you decided if you wanted C with OC? Even though the DNA results match don't feel pressure to make any decisions right now. OC is here to stay and you can deal with the situation however you see fit. What ever decision you make let it be truely yours and not something you go along with just to make your H happy. Your feelings are just as important as his. Remember that! Taking care of yourself mentally and physically should be your top priority. Good Luck!

[This message edited by lonely&depressed at 9:30 AM, July 21st (Monday)]


Posts: 157 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: New York
prayingandcrying
♀ New Member
Member # 20182
Default  Posted: 11:49 AM, July 21st (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H has decided he wants contact. He spent 3 hours with the OC and OW yesterday. The OC is a son which he has always wanted. We have a daughter. I don't want her growing up thinking she is second best. At this point I don't want any C with the OC. I feel like my H expects me to just "get over it"

Posts: 13 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: middle of nowhere
lonely&depressed
♀ Member
Member # 19779
Default  Posted: 12:09 PM, July 21st (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hope he doesn't truely feel that way. That would be very insensitive. Why is it neccessary for OW to be there? Why do they both have to be there? That would be a problem for me. He can't have to separate families. I think you should set some boundaries.

Posts: 157 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: New York
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 12:16 PM, July 21st (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((prayingandcrying)))


I agree with lonely&depressed, there have got to be some boundries set. If I remember correctly this child is not an infant? There should be no reason that the OW needs to be present for visitation if your H wishes to continue contact. Also your H needs to take any feelings you have into consideration, you won't be able to overcome this if you don't work together. Lonely is also right in the fact that your H can't have 2 seperate families, he doesn't get to play family with her and be with you and your COM. Is there a family member who's house he could have visitation at or a nuetral meeting place or something? I hope you will be able to work this all out.


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
BMC0415
♀ Member
Member # 14038
Default  Posted: 12:25 PM, July 21st (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Praying,

I am so sorry that you did not get the result that you were hoping for. But now you know what you are dealing with. If you want things to work out with your H there has to be boundaries.

I asked Scooter to repost the OC handbook for everyone to help you with some suggestions on how to handle this situation. It is on page 9 of this thread. Please go over it to help you with some decisions that may need to be made.

Very disrespectful of your H to worry about his pain and not yours too. But I guess if they were not somewhat selfish they would have never had an A in the first place. And by the way your D is not second best and don't allow him to treat her that way in shape of form.

Good luck I will be thinking of you.

[This message edited by BMC0415 at 1:13 PM, July 21st (Monday)]


Me: 40+ Him: 40+
Married: 20+ years
D-Day: 3/7/07
Children: 24dd,23ds,21dd
10 yr. LTA 3OC w/OW 10,10,14 8/14/12-gave custody of twins to ex 8/16/12-DIVORCED!

Posts: 2910 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Maryland
lonely&depressed
♀ Member
Member # 19779
Default  Posted: 1:56 PM, July 21st (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Praying

BMC is right. This entire situation involves more than just him. He needs to include you in what going on even if you opt for no C. Don't be afraid to put yourself and COM first. If you don't look out for you who else will. Obviously not your H. If all our H's were concerned about more than their needs none of us would be here. All people make mistakes, but what matters is how those mistakes corrected and not repeated. Don't be so afraid of losing your H that you allow him to mistreat you. You can't be more concerned with saving your marriage than he is. He should try to make things stable at home before anythinbg else. Does he want both his kids to end up having a part time daddy because of his actions?

[This message edited by lonely&depressed at 2:00 PM, July 21st (Monday)]


Posts: 157 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: New York
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 1:30 PM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sometimes I wish I would learn to just leave well enough alone.

I asked my H last night if thing's would have gone differently as far as contact with OC had she been a boy instead of a girl. And he said "well, I don't know, that would be tough cause that would have been my first born son. And with me being my father's only son, that may have been a little more difficult to handle"

It just gets me thinking about things and makes me wished I had never even asked him in the first place


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
want2bok
♀ Member
Member # 19913
Default  Posted: 1:49 PM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((auntcis)))

I do that to myself sometimes too. I ask a question that I really didn't want the answer to. A couple of weeks ago I asked him if he thought it stated as a EA before a PA - yea, she was just so easy to talk to. I wish he had only tried to talk to me.

I asked my DH early on if OC had been a boy would he still want NC. I was suprised that he said he would feel the same (we have 3 daughters). But I don't know that I believe him entirely. I'm just grateful that OC is a girl.


BS - me 32
WS - him 32
3 beautiful girls - 11, 9, 7 and angel baby 7/9/10
D-Day 1/07 - 1+ yr PA
OW 35
OC born 12/06
R since 2/07 and going well

Posts: 135 | Registered: Jun 2008
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 1:55 PM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am also grateful that OC turned out to be a girl, cause if OW had given H his first born son that would be something I would never be able to give him and it would devistate me.

But on the other hand I kind of feel bad for OC cause although it couldn't have worked for us if he did have contact, I feel bad that thing's might have been different in my H mind had she been a son. But then again it may not have been any different. Like I said, I wish I hadn't even asked


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
dreamer1
♀ Member
Member # 13716
Default  Posted: 2:29 PM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well things have been going ok, for awhile, but the last couple of days the OW has been texting pictures to my H phone of pictures of the babies, but only 1, not quite sure why only the one child at a time, yesterday she put a caption on it " Daddy look what granny did i luv you (sons name") WTF I think she is sending a picture of the one that looks the most like him, to tug at his heart, he has had NC with her sence the hospital visit, (that I know of). I told him to go see them if he wanted, by I wanted to know before he went not after, I don't want him to later have bad feelings against me, thinking I'm the one keeping him from the children, OW is cause she does not want me around them, the courts when that happens will have a say about that then. But all and all everything is going ok.

I decided to got to school to get a profession, but I have to leave for 6 weeks for it, in another state. That is gona be tough for me, but it is something for me. (Right) . I can't go on in fear of what he might do if I'm not there to babysit him. But I finally figured out what career would be good for me. And this one is something that he would love to be involved in. I think this could be what we need to bring even more closeness.

Now I just need to figure out how to get the funding for it. Its not much, but times are tuff.

I think the next time he thinks he needs to see the children I think I'm gona tell him he needs the paternity test done, cause he does not need to visit her children if they are not his. I'm almost positive they are his, but I don't want to chance it. But in all that would be the right thing to do. Then I would be able to somehow get the ball rolling on this.


S(he) Be(lie)ve(d)
Me-BS 48
Him-FWH 50
Friends 34 yrs-Married 26 yrs
D-Day 1/20/2007
LTA-To Many False R to count and D-days, Last D-day June 11,2010
4 stepchildren SS 28, SD 29, Twin SS 2yrs.
Twin OC, born 6/23/2008
Trying to see if R is pos

Posts: 558 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Arizona
lonely&depressed
♀ Member
Member # 19779
Default  Posted: 3:44 PM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello Everyone

I'm kinda torn about this topic. My H and I already have a girl and OC is also a girl. I am happy that she was not a boy because that might have made a bad situation worse. Honestly, I do feel bad for OC due to the decision that her mother and my H made. While she does have a mother I will never consider her to be part of my family. As foolish at it may sound I think of her only as my H's C and don't feel any obligation to her whatsoever (had my H had a C when we met I would feel the complete opposite). Because of the way she was concieved my being involved is not possible. I'm happy that I am not the one that will have to answer her questions when that day comes.
You ca'nt tell a child that they were a mistake that was never meant to happen. OW and my H will have to be creative I guess. My H and I decided that It would be best for me not to know the exact day he goes to see OC ( DUE TO MY GETTING AN AUTOMATIC ATTITUDE). We set boundaries. He would go once a week and it can not interfer with OUR family time. This is his mess so he has to suck it up. He has agreed. For now that's how were deal with things. I don't ask about OC really. I'm trying to move forward.

Dreamer.................OW is trying to piss you off. Your H needs to establish with OW that they are not one big happy family and let her know what is appropriate and what is not. Maybe its good idea for your H to let OW know that it's not neccessary for her to call everyday. After all he is a part-time dad. She can't be allowed to call whenever she feels like it. Your his wife. That is a privilege reserved for you. She's a single parent.

I know some of my views are selfish but I have no intention of sharing my H more than I already have (voluntarily). So what if there is OC. I didn't ask for her to be here.

[This message edited by lonely&depressed at 3:52 PM, July 22nd (Tuesday)]


Posts: 157 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: New York
BMC0415
♀ Member
Member # 14038
Default  Posted: 4:58 PM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lonely,

Those feelings are normal and no one is going to fault you for feeling that way. I think the most important thing is to put the OW outside of your martial wall. If you have read "Just Friends" by Shirley Glass, she brings out a good point about keeping you and your spouse inside the martial wall and keeping the OW on the outside. Basically while the A was going on, you as the BS was on the outside looking in, that needs to change.

Not the exact thing she said, but that is the just of it. Everyone handles this situation differently. For me, it was easier to take control of the situation because I felt I was the only responsible adult in the situation.

Dreamer, good for you for going to school. I know that it is going to be hard being away, anxiety will be high. But what I have learned is that they are going to do what they are going to do, who has the time to watch them 24-7. Putting down the boundaries before you leave can help you. The paternity test, A MUST NOW!!! You know what happened in my situation. My H believed that the twins were his for 4 years, running around trying to keep them secret, sending her money, visiting. And the paternity test shows that they are not even his.

Even if you think they are your H's, if he is going to have contact, this takes a little power away from OW.

Funniest thing in my situation is that my son is my H's first son, and he had a D from before we were married. He said he didn't think of OC differently, that was his family when he was there, and our children were his family when he was with me. Now he says for the first time, he can says he loves all his children.

Good luck with everything.

[This message edited by BMC0415 at 5:01 PM, July 22nd (Tuesday)]


Me: 40+ Him: 40+
Married: 20+ years
D-Day: 3/7/07
Children: 24dd,23ds,21dd
10 yr. LTA 3OC w/OW 10,10,14 8/14/12-gave custody of twins to ex 8/16/12-DIVORCED!

Posts: 2910 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Maryland
1234
Member
Member # 20346
Default  Posted: 1:30 PM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just found out about H's A. She has an ultrasound on Saturday and wants him to go with. The wounds are so fresh and he wants to go. I told him if he goes, not to come back home to his 2 girls.
Did any of you H go to dr appointments?


"I'm a rockstar!"

Posts: 496 | Registered: Jul 2008
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 1:54 PM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((1234)))

Sorry you find yourself as a part of our little group. And no my H didn't go to any doctors appointments, cause OW never told him she was pregnant. She waited until OC was 5 months old before she told my H anything. I don't think he would have gone to any appointments even if he had known though.


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
SadMommie
♀ Member
Member # 17718
Default  Posted: 1:57 PM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome to our group. My thoughts and prayers go out to you.

Look several pages back on this thread. There is a list of things that will help you deal with this situation. We all do it a bit differently but some items are the same - DNA test, attorneys etc.

I did the same as you. My H was not allowed to go to any appt. with the OW.

Good luck. You are among friends. Keep posting!!!


Me - 36
H - 35
Kids - D-6years, S-3year
OC - 2 year old
OW - POS crazy 25 year old
D-Day - April 10, 2007

"I am where I am because of the bridges that I crossed." - Oprah Winfrey

"Excuse me, what level of Hell is this?" - Bu


Posts: 91 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: Virginia
lonely&depressed
♀ Member
Member # 19779
Default  Posted: 2:09 PM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1234........... Absolutely not. If this is child is indeed your H he owes the OC emotional and financial support, not the OW. How can he seriously expect you to support him attending any Dr appts. He's basically asking you for permission to carry on his affair. He shoulf tell her to contact him once the child is born for have a DNA test. I would question s his true motives for even wanting to go. OC certainly won't know he's there. Seems like he's still emotionally involved with OW. I am truely sorry that you have had to join our thread but you will get lots of support and great advice here. Your H should be working on his marriage and not giving OW moral support. Does he want to rub her feet too! Did he have the nerve to ask you that with a straight face?

[This message edited by lonely&depressed at 2:11 PM, July 23rd (Wednesday)]


Posts: 157 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: New York
BMC0415
♀ Member
Member # 14038
Default  Posted: 2:18 PM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1234,

I agree with everyone else. My H did go to the appts. because I did not know about it, if I had, we would not be in R. Sorry btu the ring on your finger means he supports you not her.

You really need to handle this legally. As Sadmommie mentioned if you go back to page 9, you can get some good suggestions on how to handle this. Sorry you have joined us as well, but you are in a good place when you need support.


Me: 40+ Him: 40+
Married: 20+ years
D-Day: 3/7/07
Children: 24dd,23ds,21dd
10 yr. LTA 3OC w/OW 10,10,14 8/14/12-gave custody of twins to ex 8/16/12-DIVORCED!

Posts: 2910 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Maryland
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