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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: OC support thread BS Only
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 1:29 PM, June 16th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

doistay,

Good for you for asserting yourself! Just kep reminding your H that he owes NOTHING to OW and he owes ALOT to you. Also I am glad that you are insisting on DNA. I find it laughable that OW doesn't want the test done,seems to me that if she had nothing to hide she would jump at the chance.


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
doistay2008
♀ Member
Member # 18898
Default  Posted: 5:15 PM, June 16th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks.
Out of this whole thing, I have learned that I must take care of myself first. It is insane for my husband to try to shift any of the blame on me. He says I created unnecessary drama with OW. Maybe so. But He created the drama to begin with. At one point, I would have been upset that he was upset. But now I just don't care. We have agreed that he should have a paternity test and agreed that if said kid is his then he should have a relationship with her.

But to be honest, I am waiting for this thing to shake out b/c I will not play second fiddle to his OW or OC. I think in his mind he is doing the right thing. In some way he is trying to make up for his wrongdoings. But I am the one that he should make up to. If he had to tell me about the A, why should the Ow get to pretend that it didn't happen?

Sorry, yet another rant.....


Me: 30
Him: 30
Married 2 years/
Togetherish 8
OC: born feb 08
No COM

Posts: 210 | Registered: Mar 2008
dreamer1
♀ Member
Member # 13716
Default  Posted: 5:32 PM, June 16th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Im back, and doing okay for now. When I first found out about the OW being pregnant I had this date of June 13 in my head the entire time. But now it is passed, and still not sure when the twins will be coming. I was very shocked that on Fathers Day he did not recieve a text or voicemail, from XOW saying something to the affect of the babies. She did get very upset a couple of weeks back when I dropped the harrassment injunction against her. She called and left a voice mail for my FWH that " she can drop the injunction but there is no way in hell that crazy women is gona be around my children, I will get a injunction against her, I have proof that she asked me what if fells like to be a sirogate mother ." I really liked that comment I thought she would too

I just can't wait to know if they are really his, now. I know she was with other ment too. But to take fertility pills to try to trap a married man to choose her over a 22 yr marriage, what a crazy ----. She wanted his money $$$. Well now she will be paid for her services, if the OC are his...

Is it wrong to worry about my FWH feelings, he really doesn't know what to do. He is so depressed for what has happened, and can only tell me that, we can only wait and see, more or less.

The OW still thinks, I believe that once my FWH sees the children he will change his mind and want to be with her and the OC. I believe she still thinks she might have a chance at getting him.


S(he) Be(lie)ve(d)
Me-BS 48
Him-FWH 50
Friends 34 yrs-Married 26 yrs
D-Day 1/20/2007
LTA-To Many False R to count and D-days, Last D-day June 11,2010
4 stepchildren SS 28, SD 29, Twin SS 2yrs.
Twin OC, born 6/23/2008
Trying to see if R is pos

Posts: 558 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Arizona
doistay2008
♀ Member
Member # 18898
Default  Posted: 6:11 PM, June 16th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Dreamer,
Glad to hear you are ok. THe OC sounds crazy. I know how frustrating that can be. Do you and your H plan to seek custody of the babies if they are his?


Me: 30
Him: 30
Married 2 years/
Togetherish 8
OC: born feb 08
No COM

Posts: 210 | Registered: Mar 2008
dreamer1
♀ Member
Member # 13716
Default  Posted: 7:29 PM, June 16th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well we haven't really discussed that as of yet. But I am almost positive he would not like to do that if at all possible, but if we had to I'm sure we would try to. But he does want to be part of their lives and visit them, if they are his. But I am still frightened on the whole out come, of his and her reactions when it all really becomes a true reality for us. I believe she will try to make this hard for me and him as a couple, cause she only wanted him, not his wife, from the get go.

Crazy women. I think my husband really understands why I have mare guy friends than girl friends, women can be so mean, and vendictive people.


S(he) Be(lie)ve(d)
Me-BS 48
Him-FWH 50
Friends 34 yrs-Married 26 yrs
D-Day 1/20/2007
LTA-To Many False R to count and D-days, Last D-day June 11,2010
4 stepchildren SS 28, SD 29, Twin SS 2yrs.
Twin OC, born 6/23/2008
Trying to see if R is pos

Posts: 558 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Arizona
BMC0415
♀ Member
Member # 14038
Default  Posted: 6:55 AM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DoI stay,

I am proud of you for following the advice and support that you have received here. I know it is hard, but you are on the right track, if you want to R, you and your H have to be on the same page where OW and OC are concerned.

Dreamer, I am thinking of you, I know how nerveracking it can be to wait to find out if your life is going to be changed more than you expected. I am wishing the best for you.

I have said it before, but I will say it again, if your H ever questions or fights doing paternity test, please feel free to share my story with them. Help them understand that the truth is best for everyone and they are not doing any favors for anybody by not finding out if they are the father.

As far as your H have more sympathy for OW, I have went thru that, my H defended her for being a bad mother, for being a drug addict, because he felt he ruined her life. Well that changed when he found out she was lying in her bed alone pinning for him for 10 yrs and that he was just another notch in her belt.

So once you get farther along from this situation, if your H is really sincere about R, those feelings will begin to lessen.

As for me, I am being pushed into taking legal guardianship of the girls rather than foster care, while the OW gets to walk away with no responsibility. I am doing everything I can but the state is not being helpful. It is a constant battle. The girls are really afraid of being taken from me. I am trying to reassure them but I am not sure myself. Hopefully I will get good news from the foster care supervisor on Wed.

[This message edited by BMC0415 at 6:58 AM, June 17th (Tuesday)]


Me: 40+ Him: 40+
Married: 20+ years
D-Day: 3/7/07
Children: 24dd,23ds,21dd
10 yr. LTA 3OC w/OW 10,10,14 8/14/12-gave custody of twins to ex 8/16/12-DIVORCED!

Posts: 2910 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Maryland
charlotte
♀ Member
Member # 3663
Default  Posted: 12:31 PM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H recieved a letter yesterday telling him that he no longer has to pay child support for OC's (twins)because they are 18 now.

He said it's over with now.

I just looked at him and said it will never be over with. It will never go away.

It should have never happened.

He said why can't I look at the positive side of it? I said what would that be? He said no more money has to be taken from our family to pay child support.

I didn't say anything. He looked at me and said "you are never going to get over this are you?"

That really pissed me off. I said no you asshole I am never going to get over it.

It hurts just as much today as it did when I first found out about it.

He said he was sorry. he always says he is sorry. Him saying he is sorry doesn't make it any easier to deal with.

He keeps asking me to trust him completely again. He hid this A from me for 14 years.

He said he didn't know about the OC's. I know that's true but I had to find out about the A and the OC's at the same time.

It's kind of hard to trust 100% after that kind of a shock.

Sorry I am just rambling here. I just needed to get it out of my system.


Posts: 3983 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: Maryland ES
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 12:40 PM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((charlotte)))

I'm sorry you are hurting.

That is one one my greatest fears, that even after OC turns 18 or is adopted by OW new H and we don't have to pay CS that it still won't go away at least a little.


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
charlotte
♀ Member
Member # 3663
Default  Posted: 12:51 PM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you auntcis.

This has been such a screwed up situation from the start.

She got pregnant married who she thought the father was. The boy OC is named after her XH.

They get divorced, he takes DNA and and OC's are not his.

I get a phone call telling me about the A. The caller said to tell my H he was a daddy to twins.

The state told OW's XH he did not have to support OC's. They ordered my H to take DNA and ordered him to support OC's.

That was alot to deal with all at one time. I feel like I am just now coming out of the shock of it all.


Posts: 3983 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: Maryland ES
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 1:13 PM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Charlotte,

I like you found out for certain that there had been an A when the DNA test came back, cause up until that moment my H denied that there had been an A. Unlike you I only had to wait until OC was 4 months old, I couldn't imagine finding out when the OC was 14, I'm so sad for you .

I hope with more time some of your pain subsides.


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
lonely&depressed
♀ Member
Member # 19779
Default  Posted: 1:22 PM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Men......................at times they can be so insensitive. Initially, my H was so supportive and even cried but as more time passes he acts as though he has bent over backwards, sideways and then some. But he hasn't. I feel like he left me on the side of the road for dead. I barely talk to him anymore. I don't ask him to spend anytime with me. I even told him I refuse to sleep with him without a condom because I don't trust him. I think I will eventually end up getting a divorce. I see no reason I should to make MORE compromises for him. He fucked up not me. Naturally, he should be willing to do what ever I ask as long as its reasonable to make our marriage work. I'm burnt out. I'm starting not to care anymore. I feel like I love him less since I found out about his BULLSHIT! I know things will never be the same, but we're not even close to how things use to be. He hasn't even realized that I just say what ever I can to mimimize our conversations. I don't even call him unless I have to. This SUCKS!. I feel like I way tricked and robbed! What kind of person would do this to their spouse? He has only seen the OC once since I found out and that was for a DNA test ( I have never told him not to see OC). I've known since the beginning of Feb 08. The OC is only 7 months. I feel so alone. I feel like I don't even know who he is anymore. I look at him sometimes and I get disgusted! I don't know what I'm going to do.

Posts: 157 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: New York
lonely&depressed
♀ Member
Member # 19779
Default  Posted: 1:22 PM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Posts: 157 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: New York
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 1:44 PM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

lonely&depressed,

Hang in there and try to give it some time. My H went through a phase where he figured he had done all he could and I should just be over it already. He eventually pulled his head out of his butt and realized I will never have the chance to totally "over it" thanks to the nice little remider that was created from his A . He now understands that I may continue to have a bad day or 2 over this for the rest of my life and he does his best to give me what I need on those days. I know it is hard and I know that we feel that we have done enough and our H need to be the ones to fix the problems, but they are only men and can't be expected to be as wonderful as us women . For the sake of yourself and COM try and give him a chance to remove his head from his backside. Try to communicate what it is you need from him in a calm way(I know,I know,VERY hard). And try not to make any decisions while you are angry.

[This message edited by auntcis at 1:46 PM, June 17th (Tuesday)]


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
charlotte
♀ Member
Member # 3663
Default  Posted: 1:45 PM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks auntcis it sucks ass big time.

I am sorry for everyone that has to deal with an OC situation.

(((((lonely&depressed)))))


Posts: 3983 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: Maryland ES
lonely&depressed
♀ Member
Member # 19779
Default  Posted: 2:05 PM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

GREAT advise as usual Auntis. It has to be in their DNA. Men are just not as smart a women. That's why they they create all this mess.

[This message edited by lonely&depressed at 5:38 PM, June 17th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 157 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: New York
dreamer1
♀ Member
Member # 13716
Default  Posted: 2:10 PM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes this is very stressfull, but I'm trying to not let it show, I was thinking of contacting the hospital to see if they have been born, Does the OW in the majority of cases notify the FWH right away after birth ? I just want to know when they get here so I can be more alert to things going on around me. We have discussed DNA testing, cause I know for a fact my H is not the only man she has been with. and FWH agreed .

Do you think the hospital would give any kind of information out if I preteneded to be a friend? Or would this be a bad idea.

I was suprised that she did not text or call on fathers day, to wish my H a nice day . He also said he was suprised. Now that leaves some confussion on my part as to why she didn't.. She usually loves to rub our noses in the situation. And she has not been on her My space for 10 days, which is also unusuall. Just don't not like not knowing what is going on behind my ( Our) back..

Do you think that her taking fertility pills will make a difference in the courts eyes in regards to were my husbands rights are, she new he was married from the get go, and that we were attempting MC and she still pursued him, then started the fertility pills to trap him.


S(he) Be(lie)ve(d)
Me-BS 48
Him-FWH 50
Friends 34 yrs-Married 26 yrs
D-Day 1/20/2007
LTA-To Many False R to count and D-days, Last D-day June 11,2010
4 stepchildren SS 28, SD 29, Twin SS 2yrs.
Twin OC, born 6/23/2008
Trying to see if R is pos

Posts: 558 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Arizona
25wimsey
♀ Member
Member # 7816
Default  Posted: 2:13 PM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

charlotte, it IS a lot to deal with at one time. Sounds like H has a lot of work to do regarding infidelity--OC's make it so much harder to deal with--and I agree that just saying he's sorry isn't going to cut it. And what a way for you to find out--not even from your H. I too hope that some of your pain will subside.

It takes a looong time for trust to be regained, and in the case of OC's, probably will never be completely regained. And that's a fact we all have to live with. I hope your H will accept this and do what he can to make you feel number one in your marriage again.

Lonely, auntcis is right, give it some time--the anger can be just overwhelming. And still, after nearly 3 years, I look at him and wonder if I'll ever really know who he is. Trying to talk to my H without anger or sarcasm or what he perceived as "attacking him" took a long time, and I'm still not good at it in some situations. We do have contact, mostly phone since they're far away, and it still can make my stomach tie into knots--

It will never really go away, and both H and myself have to deal with that fact. I don't just mean OC--if OW were to disappear, it would be easier, but the fact of the cheating and its aftermath is part of our history--and will probably affect my reactions forever. As auntcis said, try not to make decisions in anger, see how H responds to your efforts to come to terms with everything, and try to think that the pain will subside a bit as time goes on.

And all of us, we need to remember to think of ourselves, work on our own mental and physical health--easier said than done I know, especially when the knowledge and wounds are so fresh.


Posts: 695 | Registered: Aug 2005
lonely&depressed
♀ Member
Member # 19779
Default  Posted: 2:17 PM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think you should call the hospital. Try not to let it drive u crazy. I know it's difficult. Enjoy her not causing problems right now. She'll be coming around soon and you'll wish she WOULD disappear.

Posts: 157 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: New York
firstandthird
♀ Member
Member # 17022
Default  Posted: 2:52 PM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

dreamer1,
in my case the OC was born on May 22, and she didn't notify until June 9ish (somewhere in there). We aren't planning on any contact which might be why she waited. Also, she doesn't, at least from the sound of things, know who the father is so that could be why she waited. I was surprised that she waited, because she usually doesn't skip an opportunity to send some long overly dramatic e-mail over one thing or another. Who knows, but try not to dwell. There are a thousand minor complications that can happen with delivery, either mother or baby, or she could be overwhelmed witha newborn, there's no way to know. I wouldn't call the hospital either, they will tell her someone called. I wouldn't give her the satisfaction of making you crazy. all that information is confidential anyway. Even if you pretended to be a friend, they still might not tell you anything. I know it's hard, but all this will take time to sort itself out.


Me: BS 26
Him: WS(ONS) 27
Wedding Day: Mar 17, 2007
ONS: Sept 4, 2007
OC born: May 22, 2008
Nov 25, 2008: Found out the OC is not his!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Posts: 108 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: ohio
doistay2008
♀ Member
Member # 18898
Default  Posted: 3:00 PM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree. Don't call the hospital. As someone who tried to go that route, I'm telling you..it is just not worth it. You end op looking like the crazy one and she looks like the victim.


Me: 30
Him: 30
Married 2 years/
Togetherish 8
OC: born feb 08
No COM

Posts: 210 | Registered: Mar 2008
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