Good for you for asserting yourself! Just kep reminding your H that he owes NOTHING to OW and he owes ALOT to you. Also I am glad that you are insisting on DNA. I find it laughable that OW doesn't want the test done,seems to me that if she had nothing to hide she would jump at the chance.
But to be honest, I am waiting for this thing to shake out b/c I will not play second fiddle to his OW or OC. I think in his mind he is doing the right thing. In some way he is trying to make up for his wrongdoings. But I am the one that he should make up to. If he had to tell me about the A, why should the Ow get to pretend that it didn't happen?
Sorry, yet another rant.....
I just can't wait to know if they are really his, now. I know she was with other ment too. But to take fertility pills to try to trap a married man to choose her over a 22 yr marriage, what a crazy ----. She wanted his money $$$. Well now she will be paid for her services, if the OC are his...
Is it wrong to worry about my FWH feelings, he really doesn't know what to do. He is so depressed for what has happened, and can only tell me that, we can only wait and see, more or less.
The OW still thinks, I believe that once my FWH sees the children he will change his mind and want to be with her and the OC. I believe she still thinks she might have a chance at getting him.
Crazy women. I think my husband really understands why I have mare guy friends than girl friends, women can be so mean, and vendictive people.
I am proud of you for following the advice and support that you have received here. I know it is hard, but you are on the right track, if you want to R, you and your H have to be on the same page where OW and OC are concerned.
Dreamer, I am thinking of you, I know how nerveracking it can be to wait to find out if your life is going to be changed more than you expected. I am wishing the best for you.
I have said it before, but I will say it again, if your H ever questions or fights doing paternity test, please feel free to share my story with them. Help them understand that the truth is best for everyone and they are not doing any favors for anybody by not finding out if they are the father.
As far as your H have more sympathy for OW, I have went thru that, my H defended her for being a bad mother, for being a drug addict, because he felt he ruined her life. Well that changed when he found out she was lying in her bed alone pinning for him for 10 yrs and that he was just another notch in her belt.
So once you get farther along from this situation, if your H is really sincere about R, those feelings will begin to lessen.
As for me, I am being pushed into taking legal guardianship of the girls rather than foster care, while the OW gets to walk away with no responsibility. I am doing everything I can but the state is not being helpful. It is a constant battle. The girls are really afraid of being taken from me. I am trying to reassure them but I am not sure myself. Hopefully I will get good news from the foster care supervisor on Wed.
[This message edited by BMC0415 at 6:58 AM, June 17th (Tuesday)]
He said it's over with now.
I just looked at him and said it will never be over with. It will never go away.
It should have never happened.
He said why can't I look at the positive side of it? I said what would that be? He said no more money has to be taken from our family to pay child support.
I didn't say anything. He looked at me and said "you are never going to get over this are you?"
That really pissed me off. I said no you asshole I am never going to get over it.
It hurts just as much today as it did when I first found out about it.
He said he was sorry. he always says he is sorry. Him saying he is sorry doesn't make it any easier to deal with.
He keeps asking me to trust him completely again. He hid this A from me for 14 years.
He said he didn't know about the OC's. I know that's true but I had to find out about the A and the OC's at the same time.
It's kind of hard to trust 100% after that kind of a shock.
Sorry I am just rambling here. I just needed to get it out of my system.
I'm sorry you are hurting.
That is one one my greatest fears, that even after OC turns 18 or is adopted by OW new H and we don't have to pay CS that it still won't go away at least a little.
This has been such a screwed up situation from the start.
She got pregnant married who she thought the father was. The boy OC is named after her XH.
They get divorced, he takes DNA and and OC's are not his.
I get a phone call telling me about the A. The caller said to tell my H he was a daddy to twins.
The state told OW's XH he did not have to support OC's. They ordered my H to take DNA and ordered him to support OC's.
That was alot to deal with all at one time. I feel like I am just now coming out of the shock of it all.
I like you found out for certain that there had been an A when the DNA test came back, cause up until that moment my H denied that there had been an A. Unlike you I only had to wait until OC was 4 months old, I couldn't imagine finding out when the OC was 14, I'm so sad for you .
I hope with more time some of your pain subsides.
Hang in there and try to give it some time. My H went through a phase where he figured he had done all he could and I should just be over it already. He eventually pulled his head out of his butt and realized I will never have the chance to totally "over it" thanks to the nice little remider that was created from his A . He now understands that I may continue to have a bad day or 2 over this for the rest of my life and he does his best to give me what I need on those days. I know it is hard and I know that we feel that we have done enough and our H need to be the ones to fix the problems, but they are only men and can't be expected to be as wonderful as us women . For the sake of yourself and COM try and give him a chance to remove his head from his backside. Try to communicate what it is you need from him in a calm way(I know,I know,VERY hard). And try not to make any decisions while you are angry.
[This message edited by auntcis at 1:46 PM, June 17th (Tuesday)]
I am sorry for everyone that has to deal with an OC situation.
[This message edited by lonely&depressed at 5:38 PM, June 17th (Tuesday)]
Do you think the hospital would give any kind of information out if I preteneded to be a friend? Or would this be a bad idea.
I was suprised that she did not text or call on fathers day, to wish my H a nice day . He also said he was suprised. Now that leaves some confussion on my part as to why she didn't.. She usually loves to rub our noses in the situation. And she has not been on her My space for 10 days, which is also unusuall. Just don't not like not knowing what is going on behind my ( Our) back..
Do you think that her taking fertility pills will make a difference in the courts eyes in regards to were my husbands rights are, she new he was married from the get go, and that we were attempting MC and she still pursued him, then started the fertility pills to trap him.
It takes a looong time for trust to be regained, and in the case of OC's, probably will never be completely regained. And that's a fact we all have to live with. I hope your H will accept this and do what he can to make you feel number one in your marriage again.
Lonely, auntcis is right, give it some time--the anger can be just overwhelming. And still, after nearly 3 years, I look at him and wonder if I'll ever really know who he is. Trying to talk to my H without anger or sarcasm or what he perceived as "attacking him" took a long time, and I'm still not good at it in some situations. We do have contact, mostly phone since they're far away, and it still can make my stomach tie into knots--
It will never really go away, and both H and myself have to deal with that fact. I don't just mean OC--if OW were to disappear, it would be easier, but the fact of the cheating and its aftermath is part of our history--and will probably affect my reactions forever. As auntcis said, try not to make decisions in anger, see how H responds to your efforts to come to terms with everything, and try to think that the pain will subside a bit as time goes on.
And all of us, we need to remember to think of ourselves, work on our own mental and physical health--easier said than done I know, especially when the knowledge and wounds are so fresh.