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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: OC support thread BS Only
dreamer1
♀ Member
Member # 13716
Default  Posted: 4:56 PM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so upset right now. I found a secret email account of my husbands. He has been chatting with women on line, and trying to hook up with them while he is out of town in vegas, several he gave his number to, to try and meet, although none of them look like they ever got the opportunity too. But still the point is he was trying.

I texted him his account name and said how about a little vegas fun lmfao. He called right away and said what. I said quit the lieing, and told him he just lost the best thing he will ever have. WTF

Our Sex life has been outstanding, but I just don't get it. The trill what. I just don't know what to do now. I really can't do this anymore, Here i was willing to be a union with him on these kids, but now he has done this. Right after the conversation he deleted the account.

He has not made any more contact with me for 2 hrs. What do I do????


S(he) Be(lie)ve(d)
Me-BS 48
Him-FWH 50
Friends 34 yrs-Married 26 yrs
D-Day 1/20/2007
LTA-To Many False R to count and D-days, Last D-day June 11,2010
4 stepchildren SS 28, SD 29, Twin SS 2yrs.
Twin OC, born 6/23/2008
Trying to see if R is pos

Posts: 558 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Arizona
dreamer1
♀ Member
Member # 13716
Default  Posted: 5:21 PM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I also posted this in the R forum. I just know that you all understand my situation a little better over here..

Just texted him " Why ???" he has not responded yet.


S(he) Be(lie)ve(d)
Me-BS 48
Him-FWH 50
Friends 34 yrs-Married 26 yrs
D-Day 1/20/2007
LTA-To Many False R to count and D-days, Last D-day June 11,2010
4 stepchildren SS 28, SD 29, Twin SS 2yrs.
Twin OC, born 6/23/2008
Trying to see if R is pos

Posts: 558 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Arizona
lonely&depressed
♀ Member
Member # 19779
Default  Posted: 5:28 PM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dreamer1.........
Sorry to hear about your situation. Problems like that are exactly why I told my H he was on his own when it comes to OC. He has to carry the burden financially and emotionally by himself. I personally feel that if you make the situaution to easy for them they continue to fuck around. Here you are trying to help him cope with OC and willing to be involved and look at what he does.

Posts: 157 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: New York
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 7:41 PM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((dreamer)))

I am so sorry he is doing this to you again .

Some men just don't realize what a good thing they have right in front of them.


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
BMC0415
♀ Member
Member # 14038
Default  Posted: 12:04 PM, July 24th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((Dreamer)),
I am so sorry that you are going thru this. Isn't it enough that he has OC that he expects you to accept, now you find that he is not being transparent.

Some people like the thrill of doing something forbidden, actually get a high from it.


Me: 40+ Him: 40+
Married: 20+ years
D-Day: 3/7/07
Children: 24dd,23ds,21dd
10 yr. LTA 3OC w/OW 10,10,14 8/14/12-gave custody of twins to ex 8/16/12-DIVORCED!

Posts: 2910 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Maryland
lonely&depressed
♀ Member
Member # 19779
Default  Posted: 12:38 PM, July 24th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dreamer......... with serial cheaters, sometimes you have to give them a taste of there own medicine. Please do not misunderstand me. I am not telling you you cheat on your H. All I'm saying is that you should make yourself less available to him. Re-inevent yourself. Go out with your girls. Go out by yourself he doesn't have to know who your with. Don't answer a few of his calls. Give him a dose of what his life would be like without you. Limit sexual contact. It works. Make him realize that you are desired by other men and he is lucky to be with you. If you don't already have one get a life outside of your marriage. I've done this with my H. Now, he races home. He's a bit insecure but he has made me insecure so I don't waste time reassuring him. Do this for a couple of weeks and see how he responds.

[This message edited by lonely&depressed at 12:42 PM, July 24th (Thursday)]


Posts: 157 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: New York
dreamer1
♀ Member
Member # 13716
Default  Posted: 1:42 PM, July 24th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am not starting anything, I am ending it. You need to find a place to stay, as you are unhappy with your current situation, and I can not help you with that at this point.

Right now I can not even do a fake smile as you put it, don't want you to think I am faking my cheerful self. Cause now I really would be.

You are tired of the routine and want fun, now you be able to do that on your time, without hurting me further.

You need to realize everything you have done, has been your choice, and you need to also realize the choices you make affect me in a very bad way.

The fake ness you say I have had, and the lack of fun in our lives, is not the reason for what you have chosen to do. You have a problem, and can not blame me for your actions, which you always seem to try and do.

I now feel that I Love you and always will, but I just don't feel that "In love with you" thing with you at this time, I need time to find myself and be happy again.

I cannot go on thinking I always need to check on my husband or what you are into now. This not the marriage or happiness I choose to have, the trust is gone for me now, and the secrets, lies, and denial all there again, you need to figure out what is most important to you, and do what ever it takes to achieve that. But I don't find myself being the one to make you happy right now.

I have done everything possible 120% to try to make you happy, and it just is not enough, I need someone that thinks making me happy is what matters most to them, like I try to do for you. Right now that is not what your goal is, its yourself first. You need to realize you have a problem and I can't fix it, only you can.

I can only hope in time you will find that we, us, me is what you truly want. And only hope you are not to late when that happens.

I have been unhappy with things in our marriage as well, but I have chosen to be true to myself, and you. You need to find respect for yourself before I can show you any. The actions you have shown in the last 2 years shows me that you are not happy with yourself, not ME.

Please take this time apart to do some serious soul searching, if it is me that you truly want then you will need to show me some true remorse for your actions. And disclose all your actions, lies, secrets, and be 100% open, no more blame shifting things as being my fault.

Please have your stuff and be gone by 9:00 PM as that is when I will return. Sorry it has come down to this but you need to be accounted for the actions you have chosen to do.

Sheri

I wrote this to him and sent it to his email account this morning, He has called numerous times, and the last I finally answered, he wants to finally go to IC And said for what its worth I do love you and know that I have a problem within me and not u, and one way or another it will be fixed. He also told me that if we seperate that it would draw us further apart, I don't want that, and really honestly can't aford a second household at this time. I have done the not taking phone calls, and he hates that And he does notice that other guys stare at me when we are out, cause I always love to get all prettied up every time we go out. I just don't really want him to leave me, but I just don't want this shit anymore, I told him I need time to heal now. He said he understands. He is now taking responsiblity for his actions, but only per the phone conversation.

What a shitty day, He told me try and have a nice rest of the day.


S(he) Be(lie)ve(d)
Me-BS 48
Him-FWH 50
Friends 34 yrs-Married 26 yrs
D-Day 1/20/2007
LTA-To Many False R to count and D-days, Last D-day June 11,2010
4 stepchildren SS 28, SD 29, Twin SS 2yrs.
Twin OC, born 6/23/2008
Trying to see if R is pos

Posts: 558 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Arizona
lonely&depressed
♀ Member
Member # 19779
Default  Posted: 2:17 PM, July 24th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow..........dreamer that was a mouthful. I'm so sorry for your pain. Is this a trial separation? Have you been tested for STD's?

Posts: 157 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: New York
dreamer1
♀ Member
Member # 13716
Default  Posted: 2:47 PM, July 24th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes in Sept. He says there has not been sex with any other women except the OP of I already know about. I think this will be a trial seperation, but I'm not quit sure if he is leaving tonight or what. I just want it to stop at any cost. If it means he has to go or whatever it takes. I wish it didnt have to come to this.

Sorry that was a mouthful and lengthey but wanted you guys to see what I was trying to get across, I think I did quit well with my wording for a change. LOL


S(he) Be(lie)ve(d)
Me-BS 48
Him-FWH 50
Friends 34 yrs-Married 26 yrs
D-Day 1/20/2007
LTA-To Many False R to count and D-days, Last D-day June 11,2010
4 stepchildren SS 28, SD 29, Twin SS 2yrs.
Twin OC, born 6/23/2008
Trying to see if R is pos

Posts: 558 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Arizona
lonely&depressed
♀ Member
Member # 19779
Default  Posted: 3:48 PM, July 24th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

dreamer1....Good luck tonight. Be strong and stand your ground. Don't be a sucker for love. You have to love yourself more than you love him. Put your self first. You deserve better. I don't get it. Either these men want to be single and live the single lifestyle, or or be and act married.n Being married means to sleep with only your wife! What's the point of getting married if this can't be done. Too many of them want their cake and eat it to.

Posts: 157 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: New York
socold
♂ Member
Member # 17400
Default  Posted: 4:06 PM, July 24th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sending you strength Dreamer... I hope he is for real, but saying something over the phone,... well talk is cheap. I hope you see the actions that start to show he is serious. And its not always true that separation will draw you further apart. It is harder to work on a relationship while apart, but it can definitely get a point across and show what he is going to miss out on. Its very hard to do, but it can be good. All this is just IMO. L&D is exactly right in the post above.

ETA: Probably more important that showing him what your absence feels like, it does give you lots of time to think and not have to worry about interacting also. Think pajamas, ice cream, and only watching shows you want to watch

And also your letter was very well expressed. You did a great job.

[This message edited by socold at 4:10 PM, July 24th (Thursday)]


(me)fBH 35
D-Day Dec 9, 2007
D final Oct 19th 2010

Posts: 2584 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: in a van down by the river
prayingandcrying
♀ New Member
Member # 20182
Helpless  Posted: 10:21 PM, July 24th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H has 4 brothers and none of them have a son....we have a daughter and it was my H life long dream to have a son.....thats why I think he will want his son fi he has to choose.
He is getting a lawyer asap to set up visitation or whatever so he can stop having to set up times with her to see the OC. The OC is 2 years old and my H said the OW said she is not comfortable just sending him without her being there. I HATE that they are together. My H said her new boyfriend and her other children were there the whole time he was....that still doesn't make me feel any better. I think my H should be a part of the OCs life. I never met my own father and it has been very hard my whole life trying to figure out what was wrong with me that he didn't want me. I don't know if I can be around the OC and I KNOW I don't want to be around the OW EVER!!!!

Posts: 13 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: middle of nowhere
lonely&depressed
♀ Member
Member # 19779
Default  Posted: 7:54 AM, July 25th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

P&C

Don't waste time worrying about what your H would do if he had to choose between you and OC. I understand that he has always wanted a son but I doubt he wanted one under these conditions. Don't forget, he wanted a wife too, that's why he married you.


Posts: 157 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: New York
bigheart9
♀ Member
Member # 19567
Default  Posted: 1:08 PM, July 26th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok, I've posted in this thread before but this was back closer to my DDay 5/13 and at that point I had convinced myself OW wasn't really pregnant. I've since received word that it is likely she is pregnant (see my post in General if interested). Feel free to read my profile to understand my story, but here's what I know surrounding the timeline and story of the OW.

I've made a list of some facts and things I've heard that could possibly be true or untrue. Keep in mind other than dates that I know for a fact, most of what I've heard has been 2nd hand, meaning I've not heard directly from her mouth.

Calendar of communication as confirmed by phone and text records:
1/26-1/31
2/1-2/8
2/11-2/16
2/18-2/22
2/25-2/29
3/5-3/6
3/10
3/17
3/20
3/25-3/27
3/31-4/1
4/3
4/7
4/16-4/18
4/21-4/22
4/24
5/6
5/13 (DDay) & Day OW told my H she was pregnant

- OW told my H she was on pill during the A.

-OW said she had period first month after they had sex but not second month and at some point stopped taking the pill

-H does not believe he came inside but cannot remember for sure

-She found out she was pregnant by going to hospital with pain in her side and they did U/S and heard heartbeat

-She also said she took home pregnancy test

-H & OW met on 5/14 to go to dr but it was canceled. Didn't tell my H was canceled until he had arrived at meeting place.

-H asked OW how far along she was and she responded by asking when was the last time they had sex. They both thought 2/26. After coming home and thinking about it and looking at a calendar it was determined it was not possible to be 2/26 and it had to be 2/12. (He never told OW this)

-Later in day on 5/14 OW said dr office had told her she could come in for blood work and U/S, did not see dr though. Baby ok, heartbeat 168, due date 11/21. Next appt scheduled for 6/12.

-Some communication on 5/15

-5/16 H demands proof of pregnancy and says paternity will need to be established. OW says he'll get his paternity test when baby comes in November and she would send pic of U/S. OW mad at H for questioning everything.

-5/16 receive email of pic of U/S with no identifying info on it. U/S analyzed by U/S tech who said pic is that of 8-9 week old baby. Don't know for sure when U/S was taken although OW had indicated some time around 4/30. Doesn't jive with U/S pic and due date given.

-OW texts 5/19, 5/20, 5/22, 5/27 but H does not respond.

-NC until H's boss goes into OW work place on 7/24; receive text from OW

-H's boss says "sure as shit" she's pregnant. Due 11/22 (this is not a typo, she originally said 11/21 and is now saying 11/22), and is 24 weeks along. Having U/S 7/25 they think it's a boy.

Bottom line I know I can analyze this shit from any angle I can think of but I won't know for sure until a DNA test is done. I know this. I'm just wondering what everyone's take on what I know? From a neutral position does this seem fishy or odd? Or am I just crazy and looking for any reason not to believe this is true?


Posts: 126 | Registered: May 2008
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 4:18 PM, July 26th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((bigheart9)))

Sounds to me like OW isn't sure of father of her child and is trying to place blame with your H. Pregnancy lasts 40 weeks on average so if her due date is indeed 11/21 then she should have conceived the week starting 2/18. If your H is being totally honest about the last time they had sex then there is a possability it isn't his.

I would have your H send a NC letter and tell her there is no need for contact until after the child is born. Then your lawyer should contact her asking for a paternity test. There is no reason for your H to go with her to any doctor visits and there is no need for her to send U/S pictures or anything since there is no solid evidence to prove the child is your H. Please make sure that you do any communicating and any testing through the court system!! I cannot stress enough how important this is!!

Good luck!


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
redvixen
♀ Member
Member # 15259
Default  Posted: 9:32 AM, July 27th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hoo, boy, BigHeart, I hear you loud and clear. Our OW put us through hell for a baby that didn't turn out to be my H's.

Backstory: The A was only for three weeks physically, heavy flirtation for a couple of months prior. They only had sex 4 times (not that the number of times matter, we all know that) and protection was used by my H each time. My H broke it off immediately after DDay in June 2007. Only a couple of weeks later, the office boss (H and OW are coworkers) notices that the OW had a bigger belly than before. H asks her if she's pregnant. She says she doesn't know. She buys a pregancy test, it's positive. Long story short, she opts to go to a clinic, but they won't see her until August. My H convinces her to make an appointment with her regular gyno, says he'll go with her (she's telling him all along that it's his; that she hasn't slept with her on/off boyfriend; that she hasn't had a period since she was with my H; and she's the one who provided protection the first time, so who knows if she'd sabotaged it?). I call her gyno, pretend to be her (yeah, I really did this), checking to confirm my "appointment" and ask if I'll be getting an ultrsound. Day of appointment, H picks OW up. Goes in the room with her, although she tried to keep him out at first; they decide to do an ultrasound - she tries to get out of that, but H asks her doesn't she want to make sure everything's okay? Bam, there's a fetus who is about 9 weeks along - the most a baby from my H could have been would have been 7 weeks. She admitted to my H that it couldn't be his in the doctor's office. But after that, she returned to the clinic in August, and she kept telling my H that the clinic doctor said that the ultrasound "was wrong", and that she was only as pregnant as could be my H's. She kept this up for months. She claimed that she and her on/off boyfriend (on again) had taken DNA for when the baby was due and would my husband submit a sample too? H told her he wasn't submitting any DNA without a court order, since he was there when the doctor said she was too far pregnant to be his baby. She claimed to be due in February 14th (the doctor said she conceived on May 5th - the A didn't start until May 25th) but gave birth in late January. We never heard another word about paternity, thank goodness.

Sorry for this to be so long. I just wanted you to see that it happens often, that she may really not know who the father is, and she may be hoping he'll just take her word for it. I know that if my H and I didn't R, and he stayed with the OW, he would have accepted the baby as his based on her word. I'm sorry you have to wait for the DNA. It's the longest wait in the world and the worst feeling.


Me, BS Him WS early 40's at the start, cheated before and after cancer diagnosis.
Two A's, two OW's, online looking for sex partners, two false R's.
Threw him out in January 2009.
Divorce final March 30th, 2010

XWH died Dec. 2010


Posts: 4104 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: New Jersey
bigheart9
♀ Member
Member # 19567
Default  Posted: 6:42 PM, July 27th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you so much for your responses! Redvixen, it's nice to hear such a similar story to mine. Although I wish I could say my H used protection...would've made this all a little less believable. I talked to him a little more about things last night and I feel foolish for hanging my hat on everything he's said. I brought up how he had told me after they met on 5/14 that when he asked her how far along she was she asked when the last time they had sex was and last night he said that's not how the conversation went. He said she had asked him when the last time they had sex was through a text message some time before she had even told him she was pregnant. So I have no idea what that means. I have been obsessing over any little detail I think I know for the past 2 days and I think it's literally making me sick.

He came in this morning when I was going over the phone records again and asked why I continue to do this to myself. (He was real sympathetic and was hugging me and rubbing my shoulder. Said he hates to see me spending time on this, that I should have never had to do this). I don't know why I do it though. I think it's somewhat comforting to me to constantly look over everything again. I'm trying to make sense of everything and find answers when I know I won't. No one has the answers except for her and that drives me nuts.

I asked my H for her kids names today so I could see if they have myspace pages. They do. Her kids are 19, 17 and 16. They all have her on their pages and make comments about her although no where does it say anything about mom being pregnant or being excited to get a new sibling. I know really that means nothing but I guess I was just looking for some kind of clue.

I don't know. I guess I just keep going back to the fact that she easily walked away from my H, in my opinion, both after the last time they had sex and after she told him she was pregnant. Just really makes me wonder if there was someone else in the picture so it was easier for her to do that.

I know bottom line I won't know anything until this possibly resurfaces again in November. Yeah, my holidays might be just wonderful!

I'm feeling a bit lonely right now so I'll probably turn to these boards quite a bit. Only 2 people in my life know...1 of them is a good friend my age but she never knows what to say and I don't think she likes talking about it (plus most of our conversations are thru text which are not satisfying) and the other person is my boss, and I've probably already shared way too much information with her. She has 4 daughters around my age though and her motherly instincts are kicking in. I'm slightly embarrassed that I've talked to her about my H coming inside me though! I can't believe I said that to her!!

Thanks again for your support!


Posts: 126 | Registered: May 2008
redvixen
♀ Member
Member # 15259
Default  Posted: 7:24 PM, July 27th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That's why we're here. It's cool to be able to share stuff with the people here and always have at least one person know just what you're going through. Sometimes I think I don't belong on this board, since ours was just a close call, but then someone like you in your situation comes along. I can understand all the horrible waiting and the feelings and I want to let you know that your'e not alone at all. Besides, we can all use all the support we can get, right?


Me, BS Him WS early 40's at the start, cheated before and after cancer diagnosis.
Two A's, two OW's, online looking for sex partners, two false R's.
Threw him out in January 2009.
Divorce final March 30th, 2010

XWH died Dec. 2010


Posts: 4104 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: New Jersey
SadMommie
♀ Member
Member # 17718
Sad  Posted: 1:22 PM, July 28th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi everyone,

I need some advice. The OW is simply unstable. She is still holding out hope that she and my H may get back together. He has assured me that he doesn't want to be with her - I feel that he is telling me the truth (I am afraid none the less). My problem lies with her calling. I become very upset and trigger. He doesn't take her calls (lets them go to voicemail) and has been trying to run things by me before he speaks to her. He has been doing the right things - lately.

How do I keep myself from becoming so upset? I know the only reason she is calling is to try to re-kindle a spark with him. For the most part, she doesn't take care of the OC - her mother does.

I just don't know what to do!!! Please help.


Me - 36
H - 35
Kids - D-6years, S-3year
OC - 2 year old
OW - POS crazy 25 year old
D-Day - April 10, 2007

"I am where I am because of the bridges that I crossed." - Oprah Winfrey

"Excuse me, what level of Hell is this?" - Bu


Posts: 91 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: Virginia
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 1:55 PM, July 28th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((SadMommie))))

I would have your H send her another NC letter and tell her that any communication that needs to occur in regards to OC can be done through her mother. Then I would block her number from your phone and such. If your H has been honest with you and continues to do the right things then taking these actions should help. As long as your H doesn't indulge the fantasy in her mind she will get it through her delusional head eventually that your H doesn't want to get back with her. Depending on how delusional she is may determine how long it will take for her to get it through her thick skull. And I know this may be difficult for you, but one thing that we ended up having to do was have me do all the communicatng with OW about OC. She was resistant at first saying what happened with OC was none of my business, but I not so politely reminded her that by having an A with my H she made anything that happened with my H and OC MY business,whether she liked it or not. Like I said I know that may seem like a very undesirable task, but I would rather talk to OW myself than have her talking to my H.Good luck


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
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