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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: OC support thread BS Only
want2bok
♀ Member
Member # 19913
Default  Posted: 3:13 PM, July 28th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Sad)))

It still bothers me when OW calls about OC, and I no longer worry about her wanting my H. Just gives me a sick to my stomach feeling. However I don't let her know that.

We were able to change phone numbers (we had just moved and our cell contract was up), and we only gave her my number. She was pissed at first saying that she wasn't going through me for the next 18 years. I told her fine - don't bother calling then. I'm ok with H talking to OW but only if I'm there. That is why we only gave her my number. I checked our phone bill for quite a while to make sure that he wasn't calling her. Anyway, point being, if she doesn't get to talk to him, she may quit calling. He needs to block her number for calls and texts.


BS - me 32
WS - him 32
3 beautiful girls - 11, 9, 7 and angel baby 7/9/10
D-Day 1/07 - 1+ yr PA
OW 35
OC born 12/06
R since 2/07 and going well

Posts: 135 | Registered: Jun 2008
1234
Member
Member # 20346
Default  Posted: 9:41 PM, July 28th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I found out a week and a half ago that not only was he having an affair but that she was pregnant. They work together, but different shifts. I found out Wednesday night, and by Thursday morning everyone at his work knew everything. Then she text "how can u live knowing the damage you caused", told him she wanted nothing to do with him ect ect. Then she texts me apologizing (fake!) and acting like the victim but constantly saying "our baby blah blah blah". A day later after she found out he didnt come to work and was still at home she text him "how do you know if you are miscarrying?". He told her to go to the dr if she thought that. Then she said she had an ultrasound this past saturday and he was to go with. He told her he wasnt going so then she said "she cant do this alone so she is not going either". I know.....how mature! So of course H was home yesterday having a nice day with our girls making up for his deadbeat actions and who texts me (because he changed his #)...."I need to speak to him pertaining our baby" So he tells me to text her that he is busy with his family and will respond later. He called when the girls were napping and the oh so important news she had to share was..."she was keeping the baby" Um you already said that like a dozen times. H finally told her to stop playing games, respect me because they both screwed up and disrespected me, and not to contact him unless things change. Oh and he asked for a blood test from her OB confirming pregnancy. She took a hpt the day I found out with h and his father standing outside the bathroom. But now I have a gut feeling that maybe she did lose it or it isnt his because if she was so damn worried about the well being of this baby why would she skip an ultrasound appointment? And when H asked for a blood test she said her dr never did one. She only had to pee in a cup. Ugggggggggggg I just want this nightmare to end!!!!!!!


"I'm a rockstar!"

Posts: 496 | Registered: Jul 2008
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 6:42 AM, July 29th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((1234))))

At least your H seems to be trying finally take you and your feelings into consideration. Have him send her a NC letter and tell her there will be no more need for any contact until the baby is born and a DNA test is done. Tell her any further attempts at contact will be considered harrassment and legal actions will be taken.Then once the baby is born have your lawyer contact her for a DNA test, please don't try to do any testing or anything on your own, most states only recognize testing done through the court system.

As far as her doctor only having her do a pee test, it is possible, cause all 3 of my pregnancies all I had to do was pee in a cup for the doctor to verify that I was indeed pregnant.

Sorry you are having to go through this nightmare


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
bigheart9
♀ Member
Member # 19567
Default  Posted: 9:36 AM, July 29th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((1234)))

I just want to say I completely understand what you are going through! I am dealing with a very similar situation myself. OW is being very shady about her pregnancy and it is driving me nuts. I too would like this nightmare to end. Unfortunately I cannot offer any advice to you as I'm struggling myself with how to get to the bottom of this and the best way to handle. From what I hear NC is the best way so that is what we are doing at the moment. But it's so extremely frustrating to feel like she's in control. So frustrating!

Continue to post here. You can get great support!

Stay strong!


Posts: 126 | Registered: May 2008
bigheart9
♀ Member
Member # 19567
Default  Posted: 9:29 AM, July 30th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ugh! I know I shouldn't be doing this but I look at OW's myspace. I don't know why because it's private and doesn't really offer up any information but this morning I looked it and she's changed her picture to what looks to be a 3D ultrasound. I know it means nothing, proves nothing but it just makes my stomach turn.

Why am I living in this fucking mess? I just wish this game would end. I just want to know the truth.


Posts: 126 | Registered: May 2008
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 12:00 PM, July 30th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((bigheart))))

I know it is hard cause we are curious as to what is going on, but I got some of the best advice ever from people here and that advice was " stay off the OW myspace page"! I have learned the hard way that all that checking her page does is cause me anger, frustration and pain Do yourself a HUGE favor and try to stay away from her myspace, you will be glad you did.


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
kwash
Member
Member # 13957
Default  Posted: 1:30 PM, July 30th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Does anyone know of a support site for men who have just found out they are dads? My fiancee has to wait until the next court date in October to find out if he is the biological dad to a child who is 16 years old. He had no idea about the child being conceived as the result of a ONS. If the child is his he has no idea what he wants to do about having contact or remaining NC. He has no relationship with the child obviously and we don't even know if the child knows about this situation (we think the mother may have had to get government support at some time and now the state is trying to recoup from the bio dad).

My fiancee has a 21 year old daughter and the ONS happened while he was M'd to her mother - they have no idea about this - I am the only one who knows. He has a great relationship with his daughter and with his EX wife and I think he is worried about them finding out.

If the child is his I think he will consider getting counseling to deal with these issues, but in the meantime I was hoping there might be a support site he could visit as I think this is weighing very heavily on him.

Any thoughts would be much appreciated. Thank you!


Posts: 2175 | Registered: Mar 2007
bigheart9
♀ Member
Member # 19567
Default  Posted: 12:46 AM, July 31st (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So I just spent the last hour reading this thread from page 1. I feel like I know ya'll a little better now.

So, I deleted my myspace account tonight and don't plan on looking at it again. I even thought about having my H block the site and not give me the password. We'll see. I'm hoping I'll have enough self-restraint.

Few questions for you...can we initiate the petition for paternity? Meaning what if she doesn't put his name on the birth certificate or ask for cs, can we still ask for a paternity test through the court? She's led him to believe he's the dad and has not said otherwise. I guess the other thing I struggle with is she had pretty much left us alone until his boss stirred this up again. Since then she has only sent one text. So what if she never communicates again? Do we just let it go and be happy with that? I'm not sure I would be ok with that. I feel I would constantly wonder about it.

There's definitely a possibility this is not his child. The OW in our situation doesn't seem to be playing some of the games the other's have. Meaning she doesn't take any opportunity such as drs appts to give "updates". What do you guys think about that? She would know the sex by now. She did tell his boss they were thinking it was a boy and she had U/S scheduled for next day but she hasn't sent a text or anything. One of the people who know about this in my life said maybe she's decided she's ok with H not being in picture, that things would be easier if he wasn't or that maybe she won't ask for CS because she knows that would open up visitation rights for him. Does any of that sound reasonable to you? I mean I could see that for someone who simply used my H to get pregnant but if that's the case why even tell him you're pregnant?

I hate trying to figure out the mind and moves of a woman I don't even know and want nothing to do with! UGH! I need to go to bed.


Posts: 126 | Registered: May 2008
firstandthird
♀ Member
Member # 17022
Default  Posted: 5:54 AM, July 31st (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

at least in ohio, the father has equal rights to establish paternity through the court. Here, visitation and custody are completely separate of child support. also, unless she is on state aid of some kind, she is not required to file for child support. be wary, because the OW in our case said all along that she did not want CS, didn't want contact, blah blah blah. Then, we he decided he didn't want contact either, she said she was disappointed with his decision and would be filing for CS. Like I care if she is disappointed or not. So far we haven't heard anything and the kid has been born for 10 weeks now. She also, hasn't been that crazy OW I've been hearing about. We only had about a half dozen emails all together, including notification and one asking for his mailing address. She was on a medical card for the pregnancy, so she cannot waive child support until she is completely independent from the state. The woman in your case may have decided not to pursue anything, but don't count on it. Being a single mother has a landslide of challenges, including financial ones. But, again, this is 10 weeks out, and OW hasn't even filed to establish paternity yet, which means she can't file for CS just yet. All of that procedure is different from state to state. There's a very helpful website in this state, and I assume in other states, to find all the info you need to get that rolling if you choose
The waiting game is crazy. It's driving me absolutely bananas.

[This message edited by firstandthird at 5:56 AM, July 31st (Thursday)]


Me: BS 26
Him: WS(ONS) 27
Wedding Day: Mar 17, 2007
ONS: Sept 4, 2007
OC born: May 22, 2008
Nov 25, 2008: Found out the OC is not his!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Posts: 108 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: ohio
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 7:44 AM, July 31st (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

bigheart, I believe that your H can initiate paternity testing through the courts. Even though there is some doubt that your H is the father, just for your own peace of mind I would do a DNA test, then there is no question.

Try not to get too excited that the OW hasn't tried to contact your H, I have learned over time that silence is NOT always golden when it comes to OW. OW in our situation would drop out of sight for long periods of time, then out of nowhere she would drop a bomb on us. So be careful. Don't waste your time trying to figure out how the twisted mind of the OW works, it isn't worth it.

Good call on deleting your myspace, it is absolutely a positive step in your healing!


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
bigheart9
♀ Member
Member # 19567
Default  Posted: 9:14 AM, July 31st (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah, I figured silence wasn't golden. Maybe in some weird way I would've rather her given updates. Guess that wouldn't have created such the shock it did when dumbass boss tried to go in and "check" for us. It was definitely interesting that she took that opportunity to communicate with H, almost like she was waiting for a reason. I knew all along that wasn't the end of her. As I've heard several other's mention, I feel like I'm walking around waiting for the next bomb to explode. Yeah, I'm sure that's great for my health.

I agree that a paternity test is a must. We'll have a small window to ask for that because the supposed baby is due in November and she says she is moving to another state in March.

The thing that royally sucks about all this timing is my H has a HUGE test in November. This test is so important to us it's not even funny. And it's the weekend before the supposed due date of OC. THE LAST THING we need is her giving updates of labor, etc. If the communication picks up towards that time I'm guessing it would be best to change his number. Or at the least block hers.

Ok, I'm rambling and must get ready for work. I'm sure I'll have more questions!


Posts: 126 | Registered: May 2008
lonely&depressed
♀ Member
Member # 19779
Default  Posted: 10:34 AM, July 31st (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Today is my 3rd wedding anniversary. I told H i didn't want to celebrate. I haven't worn my wedding ring since D-Day, why the hell would I want to celebrate. This was the day three years ago that he promised to forsake all other and stand by the vows he's said to me. He hasn't held up his side of the deal so why would I want to celebrate with him.. To me, were not even in R, we're at a stand still and I still refuse to have sex with him unprotected. I'm tired of being stuck in this rutt. I don't know how much more I can take. He just behaves as if everyhing is normal. He only talks about OC when I bring it up. I told him that OC is his problem and not to look to me for any monetary help. He says he would never ask me to do anything for OC. But he says that if I'm not part of the solution I'm part of the problem. CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT! she's says that I'm not ready to heal and that he can't help me until I am. He also says that I'm a glutton for pain and thats why I can't move forward. He says he's happy! WTF! I'm concerning cutting my losses. He's not helping me. How can he know I'm miserable and tell me with a straight face that he's happy?

[This message edited by lonely&depressed at 10:40 AM, July 31st (Thursday)]


Posts: 157 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: New York
lonely&depressed
♀ Member
Member # 19779
Default  Posted: 12:25 PM, July 31st (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have a reason to be happy today! I just called my GYN to get my test results. I'm negative for all std's and HIV. I'm so happy I can't contain myself. Screw my H. I'm not sleeping with him unprotected for probably years to come. I can gamble with his own life but not mine. I have a beautiful C to live for .

Posts: 157 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: New York
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 1:58 PM, July 31st (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((l&d))))

Sorry about your anniversary and the fact that your H has been making butthole comments like that to you

But congratulations on the negative test results!!!!


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
lonely&depressed
♀ Member
Member # 19779
Default  Posted: 3:09 PM, July 31st (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H acts as if he has done so much to right his wrongs, when actually hes done the minimum. He thinks because he had made sacrifices when it comes to OC that he's done a whole bunch. Honestly, those things weren't done for me. I don't have to embrace his OC that he cheated on me to concieve. He's been average, not extraordinary by any means. He's time it running out. I mean what does he expect me to do? Put on my happy face. I'm tired of talking and explaining the same things over and over again. Correct me if I'm wrong, if you want something to work you have to do what it takes right. He's still a selfish jerk.

Posts: 157 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: New York
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 3:19 PM, July 31st (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No you are right! OC in our situation is 11 YEARS old and my H STILL is making ammends for what he did! Don't get me wrong, there are times when I am sure he wishes it would all just go away and I would put on a happy face and just say all is forgotten. But realistically he knows that this will be a constant reminder for at least the next 7 years and that he needs to do what ever it is that I need him to do to make it right. I do think that your H is and has acted very selfishly and you need to make your feelings crystal clear to him JMHO


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
lonely&depressed
♀ Member
Member # 19779
Default  Posted: 3:52 PM, July 31st (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Whats JMHO?

Posts: 157 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: New York
dreamer1
♀ Member
Member # 13716
Default  Posted: 5:14 PM, July 31st (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry to just jump in, but JMHO means "Just My Honest Opinion".


S(he) Be(lie)ve(d)
Me-BS 48
Him-FWH 50
Friends 34 yrs-Married 26 yrs
D-Day 1/20/2007
LTA-To Many False R to count and D-days, Last D-day June 11,2010
4 stepchildren SS 28, SD 29, Twin SS 2yrs.
Twin OC, born 6/23/2008
Trying to see if R is pos

Posts: 558 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Arizona
lonely&depressed
♀ Member
Member # 19779
Default  Posted: 5:35 PM, July 31st (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh thanks

Posts: 157 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: New York
bigheart9
♀ Member
Member # 19567
Default  Posted: 8:49 PM, July 31st (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Congrats L&D on the negative test results! That has to be a huge weight lifted off your shoulders.

I don't have much to say tonight but I feel like posting. So far so good on not checking the myspace...day 1 of breaking my habit.

I called and scheduled with another MC today - this will be our 3rd. He is certified in marriage counseling although that doesn't necessarily mean he's good with dealing with infidelity. So that appointment is on Tuesday. I'm so glad my H is just as willing to go to these things as I am. He's currently in IC every other week.

Think we're going out of town this weekend. Taking the family boat out on the lake which my H loves! Will do him some good. Might go to a comedy club tomorrow night. I tell ya, laughter truly is the best medicine. I get funny forwards all the time at work and this morning I was laughing so hard I was crying. Felt good. Gave me that rush for the rest of the day.

Ok, sorry, I'm rambling. I know this is a thread for OC and not general chit chat. I just like the feel of this thread and the fact that it's a smaller group.


Posts: 126 | Registered: May 2008
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