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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: OC support thread BS Only
Want2help
♀ Member
Member # 20547
Default  Posted: 11:50 PM, August 12th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, we finally got paternity paperwork in the mail today. Wf goes Sept. 12th at 10:15am. God, I hope its not his... For anyone whn has been thru this, will she & the baby be there at the same time? Wf is going to call, as they have been NC for almost a year & all the shit she has pulled, neither of us are emotionally stable enough to see her... Anyone gone thru this? What should we expect? Ugh, I feel so alone...


BS- me.
FWS- him.
DDay 6/07 (immediately separated)
RDay 8/07
Surprise OC born 3/08 (NC)
6 years into successful R.
"That which can be destroyed by truth should be." -P. C. Hodgell

Posts: 1957 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: PNW
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 6:33 AM, August 13th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When my FWH had to go for his swab for the DNA testing OW/OC were not there. I don't even think that they were scheduled to go to the lab on the same day. I think that the people at the lab are kind of used to this sort of situation and are smart enough to not have the two parties being tested in the facility at the same time.


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
BMC0415
♀ Member
Member # 14038
Default  Posted: 7:36 AM, August 13th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We had the court do ours and all 3 Oc and my H were done at the same time and I was present. The hardest part is that is takes anywhere from 6-12 weeks to get the results and the waiting can drive you crazy.


Post here when you get frustrated during the waiting because you will.

Goos luck, I hope it turns out the way you want it.


Me: 40+ Him: 40+
Married: 20+ years
D-Day: 3/7/07
Children: 24dd,23ds,21dd
10 yr. LTA 3OC w/OW 10,10,14 8/14/12-gave custody of twins to ex 8/16/12-DIVORCED!

Posts: 2910 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Maryland
1234
Member
Member # 20346
Default  Posted: 2:41 PM, August 14th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My mother in law is sick about what has happened and does not want H or me to ever talk with OW again. So she offered to be the third party communicator. She actually went to the workplace today, walked right up to her and introduced herself as H's mother. Handed her a paper with Mrs. _____ on it (same title as me ) with her cell # on it. Told her from now on she is to be contacted if there is any new info. My sister in law was with her because her fiance works there too. Apparently OW practically crapped herself, she was shaking and could barely speak. Oh to be a fly on the wall. Is it wrong of me to feel satisfaction???? Oh and H went out yesterday and bought me a punching bag. Apparently he doesnt want me using him anymore


"I'm a rockstar!"

Posts: 496 | Registered: Jul 2008
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 2:54 PM, August 14th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1234, Isn't it great to have a strong support system! That is awesome of your MIL to stand up for you and offer to be the middle man


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
lonely&depressed
♀ Member
Member # 19779
Default  Posted: 3:17 PM, August 14th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I resigned to the fact that I have a roommate and not a H. Last night I had something to do when I got off work. I told my roomy this the night before. I reached home around 10:00pm . When I reached home I parked my car in front of our house and had a 15 minute converstion with a girlfriend while I sat in my car. I saw my roomy(H) look out the window three times. Then he texts me and asks me who I'm taking to. When I decided to go in and he asked me who I was talking to I blew him off. Today he's all sour and pissed off. THE NERVE! Has anyone else encounterd jealous and insecure behavior on the part your spouse after THEY have cheated? I'm not the one that broke my vows. I don't feel the need to let myseld be interrogated.

[This message edited by lonely&depressed at 3:18 PM, August 14th (Thursday)]


Posts: 157 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: New York
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 3:29 PM, August 14th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My FWH has gone through this phase and it does show up still every now and then. He felt/feels that because I forgave him and took him back after his A, that if I were to have an A he would have no choice but to forgive me. A "get out of jail free" card so to speak . It's just thier own insecurities.


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
lonely&depressed
♀ Member
Member # 19779
Default  Posted: 4:13 PM, August 14th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, honestly, I'm not going to cater to his foolishness. I haven't don anything wrong. Perhaps he recognizes his own pattern of behavior when he was having his A. I don't care much anymore. I'm going to stick to my plan.

Posts: 157 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: New York
1234
Member
Member # 20346
Default  Posted: 10:19 PM, August 15th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well... my best friend is tired of me being a hermit so she asked me to go out to a martini bar on Saturday. Much to my own surprise I actually said yes. So my friend text me joking around that I should wear a mini skirt, high heels, push up bra, and low cut shirt. I responded that it should be enough that it will be the first time I will be out at a bar without my rings (I have refused to wear them again!). H saw the texts because he had my phone today. Soooo....after home depot he and my daughter went ring shopping for mommy, got his ring steam cleaned, twice, and asked if I wanted to go to dinner sunday night with him. So in return I went shopping with my daughter and bought a really cute black dress to wear out for my girls night. The neckline is a little plunging and the girls I must say look quite well in the dress Now he says he honestly doesnt think this baby is his and wants his mother to talk to the OW and get some dates straight. He also wrote a NC/boundary letter to OW stating that even after the baby is born if it is his there will still be no direct contact between them. Everything will be done by a third party (ie. his mom would pick up drop off ect). I think he is really feeling that I am slipping away, and I kinda am. My head is getting clearer and I am starting to come to terms with some things and realizing what I may not be able to handle. Those of you with OC, how do you do it with out wanting to jump off a building? Seriously, I love kids. I am a teacher and I worship my 2 daughters, but I am afraid I wont be able to be as warm as I should be to this child. Im afraid it will feel my resentment.


"I'm a rockstar!"

Posts: 496 | Registered: Jul 2008
life_will_go_on
♀ New Member
Member # 18042
Default  Posted: 8:34 AM, August 16th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There's something that's been bothering me and I thought I'd ask to see if anyone's situation is the same. Most of you talk about the OW and how she's always trying to get in your business. My OW has completely left us alone. Is that normal? The baby was born 6/4 and that was the only day she's contacted us except through her lawyer. She was so obsessive before, threatening to kill herself and all of that before and now she's checked out. I'm afraid she's plotting something. Am I just being paranoid or could this really be true and she doesn't want anything from him any more? It doesn't seem right. Could he be keeping something from me. Not telling me about contact they may have had? I check his phone but don't find anything. He hasn't given me access to his military email and that bothers me....


ME: 42
WSO: 41
Not Married, but together 13yrs.
D-Day: 12/10/07 (yeah merry x-mas to you too)
4 children (3 mine, 1 ours)20, 17, 14, 6
1 year Military Deployment Affair
Attempting Reconcilliation



Posts: 23 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: Wisconsin
green_eyed_devil
♀ Member
Member # 18139
Default  Posted: 8:42 AM, August 16th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I need some serious advice!

I've posted that we are seeking custody of OC and that OW has a baby with severe heart defects that is dying. Well last night the baby passed away. OW is suppose to be served with custody modification paperwork Monday!

I'm just about numb. I want to call it all off. I can't take a womans child when she just lost her other one. But H and I both know OW has never been a mother to her. We have to look out for the best interest of OC, but it seems so WRONG to do this to OW.

H and I were the first ones the Chaplain called last night after the baby passed. OW wanted OC to come see the baby a last time. So we drove OC the hour drive at 10pm, dropping our own children off at a relatives house. Ow has pushed her family so far out of her life that the only support or visitors she had when her baby passed was her ex husband (H) and me (the betrayed GF at the time of the relationship).

H is taking this very hard. He was not prepared for the sight of a dead baby. It's something I've seen before, so I knew what to expect, although it's still not something anyone should ever see. H keeps saying "that could have been our son"....our youngest was born with a heart defect and had his open heart surgery in the same hospital by the same surgeon as OW's baby. He kept saying "no one should have to bury their child". Knowing OW and the lack of support she has, I don't want H to fall into her old trap. I hope he's smarter than that and keeps a distance.

My main concern now is this 5 year old I'm left to the care of. SHe doens't understand and I hasn't sunk in yet. She will be going back to her mom on Monday. Do we contact our lawyer and postpone the custody issues? Do we go forward with them and hope it doesn't destroy OW. I realy feel after talking to OW last night that she knows she has lost both of her children. The fight is gone. Maybe temp custody with liberal visits until she gets her life back in order?

I just don't know....


Me FBS 30 Him FWS 31
Together since 3/96, married 03/07
our children D13, S10, S8
EA began 3/02 which lead to their marriage in 7/02, left her 9/03 divorce finalized 10/04
D day 5/02
OC born 5/03,

Posts: 72 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: Missouri
BMC0415
♀ Member
Member # 14038
Default  Posted: 10:54 AM, August 16th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

duplicate

[This message edited by BMC0415 at 11:02 AM, August 16th (Saturday)]


Me: 40+ Him: 40+
Married: 20+ years
D-Day: 3/7/07
Children: 24dd,23ds,21dd
10 yr. LTA 3OC w/OW 10,10,14 8/14/12-gave custody of twins to ex 8/16/12-DIVORCED!

Posts: 2910 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Maryland
BMC0415
♀ Member
Member # 14038
Default  Posted: 10:54 AM, August 16th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow, so much going on here don't know where to start.

Green, What a horrible and very sensative situation to be in. Losing a child to death is the worse experience a person can go thru. With that being said, this may sound insensitive, but let's take that out of the equation for a minute. The issues that made you and your H take action in the first place, are they still issues? Is the health and the welfare of the OC at risk? Do you think dropping the custody issues will make her a better parent than she has been? These are questions to ask yourself and your H.

While you feel for the OW and as a decent person you would, you also need to take into consideration the welfare of the OC. If you are willing to deal with her, and believe me it is hard because I had to do it, maybe temp. custody with supervised visits might be best. She is going to be very emotional and vunerable, not a good idea to have your H dealing with her on his own. You say he is doing his best, but one of the biggest problems I had was my H feeling sorry for the OW and defending her, it made it very easy for him not to work towards us but to defend her to me!

Maybe a consultation with a family counselor of some kind might give you a better prespective. Sorry for the circumstances.

Life, Welcome. With OW it is hard to tell what is going on. Some give up when they see that they are not going to get what they want. And some are what I call silent but deadly. Plotting the whole time to do something. Do you think your H is being up front about NC? How was NC established? A letter or they just stopped talking? When an OW is involved silence is not always golden. I say just keep your eyes open.

1234, good for you getting out and living a little!
Sometimes this situation takes over your whole life. As far as OC is concerned, yes it is hard at first. I cried everytime I picked the OC up for visits and heard them call my H daddy. But you know after a while, I began to realize that they are just children. They didn't ask to be here or the circumstances of their birth and they have the same needs as any other child. When I changed my thinking, I was able to develop my own relationship with them seperate from my H. Will you ever feel that way? I don't know but that is how I handled it.

L&D, and AuntCis always thinking of you.

[This message edited by BMC0415 at 11:14 AM, August 16th (Saturday)]


Me: 40+ Him: 40+
Married: 20+ years
D-Day: 3/7/07
Children: 24dd,23ds,21dd
10 yr. LTA 3OC w/OW 10,10,14 8/14/12-gave custody of twins to ex 8/16/12-DIVORCED!

Posts: 2910 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Maryland
green_eyed_devil
♀ Member
Member # 18139
Default  Posted: 11:41 AM, August 16th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BMC,
This will not change the fact that OW is a poor excuse for a mother and we know it will probably not change her way of life. So yes, the issues are still there. I feel we need to do what is best for OC and continue this, but we need to do it respectfully.

On another board I visit a woman told me to def speak with our lawyer and explain everything...that these concerns go way back, baby has died, etc. She said she would recommend a temp order to keep OC with us until OW can handle going to court.

OW has called me 3 times this morning. It's like she wants to talk to anyone about this, but doesn't know what to do or say,or if she should even talk to me. This is how I feel right now....

[This message edited by green_eyed_devil at 11:42 AM, August 16th (Saturday)]


Me FBS 30 Him FWS 31
Together since 3/96, married 03/07
our children D13, S10, S8
EA began 3/02 which lead to their marriage in 7/02, left her 9/03 divorce finalized 10/04
D day 5/02
OC born 5/03,

Posts: 72 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: Missouri
firstandthird
♀ Member
Member # 17022
Default  Posted: 12:13 PM, August 16th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

life,
the OW in our case was much the same, always sending "update" e-mails and always talking about quickly filing CS, blah blah blah. We haven't heard a word from her since early June when she notified of the birth. Then, out of the clear blue sky, she sent a hate e-mail yesterday. She just completely went berserk. General rule, and Auntcis and others have said over and over, silence is not always golden. H even said he was fine with CS once she filed it, but he still wanted NC. Now she's bitching up a storm about what a deadbeat loser (that's a quote) he is and she wants him to terminate his rights but pay CS anyway. She was saying that she would never even consider letting any future husband (like she'll ever get married) adopt her child and on and on.

So, we haven't heard much, but when we do hear from her, she's turned into a complete psycho. He's going to block her because some of the things she said were just plain mean.

She says all this crap and hasn't filed for paternity yet. That means that court-ordered CS is a lot farther down the road. She said taht he would never be able to look at my (our) children without thinking of her. That our kids would feel guilty one day because their father left one child but not them. That they'll hate me, too, for staying with him and it only continues.

So, not trying to scare you, but be prepared. She may try to hurt you, she may say nothing. It really threw me for a loop, b/c she hasn't been unreasonable yet. Just goes to show, you'll never know what's going to happen next.

I hope your silence really is golden, but be prepared for otherwise.


Me: BS 26
Him: WS(ONS) 27
Wedding Day: Mar 17, 2007
ONS: Sept 4, 2007
OC born: May 22, 2008
Nov 25, 2008: Found out the OC is not his!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Posts: 108 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: ohio
BMC0415
♀ Member
Member # 14038
Default  Posted: 12:20 PM, August 16th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is so hard!

While I would feel sorry for the situation, I would not let her make a habit of talking to you about her pain, I will tell you why, she will start calling you all the time and before you know it you will be wrapped up in her life and you don't want that.

I don't even know if I would talk to her until I consulted with the lawyer to see what is a appropiate that this time. Do not let her make you are support system! Very important! Maybe since the chaplain called you maybe he could make a suggestion on a support group or system for parents who have lost children.


Me: 40+ Him: 40+
Married: 20+ years
D-Day: 3/7/07
Children: 24dd,23ds,21dd
10 yr. LTA 3OC w/OW 10,10,14 8/14/12-gave custody of twins to ex 8/16/12-DIVORCED!

Posts: 2910 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Maryland
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 2:20 PM, August 16th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yikes! We should all get together and write a book, with a little bit from each of our stories. Imagine what it would be like, it would be a #1 best seller, we could all be rich!!!!

1243...Have a great time on your girls night out

life_will_go_on...Be careful,the OW's silence may be the calm before the storm, it has happened to us before. Also if your H isn't paying CS yet, please make sure that he gets a DNA test if you haven't already. Don't wait for her to do it cause if she waits until the child is older, your H could get nailed for years of back CS.

green_eyed_devil...The situation is delicate, but like BMC said, if the concerns that you had for the OC are still there then you should seriously consider moving ahead with you original plan.

BMC...How was the visit with OC grandmother?

Quick update on our situation, we haven't heard any more from OW about the adoption. She told me they had an appointment with thier lawyer this week, but we have no news. I told my H that if we don't hear from her or her lawyer by the middle of next week I will email her to see what is going on. Like I said OW was hopeing to have the adoption complete by the end of the year, I have to agree with her on that point.

Positive thoughts and prayers to everyone


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
green_eyed_devil
♀ Member
Member # 18139
Default  Posted: 3:11 PM, August 16th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have to be human here. I don't want OW looking to me for support, but honestly she is. I will say that I'd rather she look to me for support than H. As much as I hate to think it, I wouldn't put it past her to try to move in on him right now. He's already feeling sorry for her situation.

I gave OW the name of a funeral home. It is owned by my best friends father in law. She set up an appointment to meet with him and asked that I go with her. Her family won't go. As much as I hate this woman, I'm going to do this. Once things are settled...after next weekend with the service, things will have to be dicussed as far as OC goes. I'm hoping that she is reasonable and will agree to sign the papers without a fight. If we can come to some agreement that we have OC during the week (to provide a stable home, evenings at home, in school, etc) that she will agree to have every weekend. We want to ask the lawyer if we can do this as a temp agreement pending OW can get her life straightened out. I'm willing to give her a chance (or in this case another one). I'm truly hoping the loss of her child will make her realize that she needs to grow up and care for the child she has, I also know this may not happen. I would like to see some big changes before OC goes back into her custody...maybe if we can re-evaluate in a year or 2. I really don't know, and will have to talk specifics with our lawyer. We need to do what is best for OC, but destroying OW in the process isn't what we want. I'd hate for OW to get depressed (we know she will) and try something stupid like suicide. That would not be in the best interest of OC to lose a parent and sibling.

Such a hard situation. H and I are going to take OC to her tonight. BM is staying with her mother, so I don't worry too much about OC. We will try to talk out some details of where OC will be staying and when. She needs help at this point, and as far as I'm concerned H should be helping with his child during this time. Once things have settled we will broach the custody issues.


Me FBS 30 Him FWS 31
Together since 3/96, married 03/07
our children D13, S10, S8
EA began 3/02 which lead to their marriage in 7/02, left her 9/03 divorce finalized 10/04
D day 5/02
OC born 5/03,

Posts: 72 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: Missouri
life_will_go_on
♀ New Member
Member # 18042
Default  Posted: 3:28 PM, August 16th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Green, I think you are handling the situation very well. Just because in the past the OW was a difficult person doesn't mean you need to be now. Nobody, no matter what they've done, deserves to loose a child.

Some of us have been given the gift, or maybe the curse, to rise above and do the right thing. You're doing the right thing.


ME: 42
WSO: 41
Not Married, but together 13yrs.
D-Day: 12/10/07 (yeah merry x-mas to you too)
4 children (3 mine, 1 ours)20, 17, 14, 6
1 year Military Deployment Affair
Attempting Reconcilliation



Posts: 23 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: Wisconsin
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 3:49 PM, August 16th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Green, you are a good person


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
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