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User Topic: OC support thread BS Only
BMC0415
♀ Member
Member # 14038
Default  Posted: 10:57 PM, August 16th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Green it is very compassionate to do this for her and I am sure that she appreciates it. My mother and myself had to make the funeral arrangements for my 8 yr. nephew 2 yrs. ago because my brother and sil could not think or focus.

All that I am saying is to just be careful, I would not say this if I had not seen it before myself. Sometimes people use tragedies to get something that would have been harder to achieve without the emotion there. And she may not even do it on purpose, that is why I suggested a support group or someone else she can lean on.

You have a good heart and even if it turns out that she doesn't appreciate it u know you did the right thing for you.

AuntCis- Grandma was a no show. There is still tomorrow so I won't say anything negative until then if she doesn't show.

[This message edited by BMC0415 at 11:01 PM, August 16th (Saturday)]


Me: 40+ Him: 40+
Married: 20+ years
D-Day: 3/7/07
Children: 24dd,23ds,21dd
10 yr. LTA 3OC w/OW 10,10,14 8/14/12-gave custody of twins to ex 8/16/12-DIVORCED!

Posts: 2910 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Maryland
green_eyed_devil
♀ Member
Member # 18139
Default  Posted: 8:40 AM, August 17th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SO I'm starting to think BMC is right!

We decided to take OC back to OW for the week (first week of school). We had earlier agreed that OC would stay with OW for the next week, then come back to H and I for the nex 3-4 weeks until things settled with OW. Well last night when we dropped off OC, OW was waiting on the porch. She said she'd take care of OC from here out, no need for us to be involved, not to worry about CO visitation, etc. She also said she was over the loss of her baby (less than 24 hours after the fact!). Now she was probably saying this so we would think she was ok to care for OC, but damn she came acorss cold and callous.

So H and I had already talked about how we would procede with the custody hearing even with all this going on. I'm glad we had decided to continue because OW actions last night showed that she's back to her old ways rather quickly.

I'm considering not taking her to the funeral home tomorrow, but maybe I should. I'd like to see how she reacts to it, like to be able to say she leaned on me in that time of need because she had no one else. I"m hoping that would look better in court. If she knows H and I are that stable to lean on us and in a sense "take care of her" or her problems since she's unable to, would that make us look better in the long run? Like she can't handle situations and turns to us because she knows we can? I'm sure she's using it to her advantage because she has no money to pay for a funeral and I offered a name and number of someone who does infants at no charge. I told H that I know I'll never hear a "thank you" out of her and it will only go to show how selfish she is.

Oh, and she plans on dressing her and OC alike for the funeral....in denim skirts and mint green silk shirts. I'd hate to come in dressed more appropriately that she is. I may even introduce myself to her family as "the other woman"....her lovely name for me since H got his head out of his butt and we worked things out.

[This message edited by green_eyed_devil at 8:42 AM, August 17th (Sunday)]


Me FBS 30 Him FWS 31
Together since 3/96, married 03/07
our children D13, S10, S8
EA began 3/02 which lead to their marriage in 7/02, left her 9/03 divorce finalized 10/04
D day 5/02
OC born 5/03,

Posts: 72 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: Missouri
BMC0415
♀ Member
Member # 14038
Default  Posted: 9:40 AM, August 17th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Green,

If you can stand it I would go to the funeral home with her. I will tell you why, maybe this will give you some insight as to how she is acting about things. She maybe back to her old ways or she may be thinking I am not going to let them take OC from me now that I have lost my baby.

This does not change the issues that caused you to have concern. Because of her past behavior as a mother, I would watch her more now because she may get worse.

If you don't want to come off as mean or evil, always keep in mind and make sure that the lawyer and judge know that you and your H's goal is the welfare and safety of the child. If you have any documentation as to previous behavior of the OW concerning her mothering of the OC, that is what you focus on.

With these OW, you have to be on the defensive 24-7. If you know my story, I tolerated the OW and became friendly with her for a 7 month period until I had enough evidence to have her kids removed from that horrible thing she called a life. I kept that goal in my head over my hate for her.

Now I am not saying that she could not get herself together and my goal was not to keep the OC forever, but my OW show she did not care. And the OW in your situation may show that too if you are given temp. custody. If this is granted and there is any visitation, document everything. If the child comes back dirty, hungry, anything not normal.

Are you prepared to possibly keep OC until she is 18? I am just wondering.

Just want you to know I am thinking of you.


Me: 40+ Him: 40+
Married: 20+ years
D-Day: 3/7/07
Children: 24dd,23ds,21dd
10 yr. LTA 3OC w/OW 10,10,14 8/14/12-gave custody of twins to ex 8/16/12-DIVORCED!

Posts: 2910 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Maryland
green_eyed_devil
♀ Member
Member # 18139
Default  Posted: 10:05 AM, August 17th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

YOu know, honestly I don't want to keep OC. But I know we would provide a better home for her than OW. This morning was peaceful...I didn't wake up to OC's shrill voice bossing my children around! But then again it's starting to seem like a child is missing when she's not here. I'm getting used to the idea I guess.

I will talk to H tonight adn see if he thinks I should still go given the change in OW. Afterall, like you said, it will give me insight. I think it will tell me more about her ability to function, how she's really handling it, etc. I've lined up a sitter for OC, although OW doesn't know. OC does not need to be there while the arrangements are being made. I'm going to stand my ground on that one and will refuse to take her to the appointment if OC is not allowed to stay at the sitter.

H wants me to talk to her about custody and see where she stands while we are on the road. It's about a 30 min drive each way, so we will have time for a chat. I don't know if it's my place to do this. I'm not worried about timing after her scene last night. Not to sound completely harsh, but she can put on her big girl panties and face what she has done with her life. I think my concern for her well being ended last night. As someone on another board told me "fake it til you make it"....I can appear to be her best friend an get her thru this for OC and my families benefit. Sounds like that is what you did.


Me FBS 30 Him FWS 31
Together since 3/96, married 03/07
our children D13, S10, S8
EA began 3/02 which lead to their marriage in 7/02, left her 9/03 divorce finalized 10/04
D day 5/02
OC born 5/03,

Posts: 72 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: Missouri
BMC0415
♀ Member
Member # 14038
Default  Posted: 1:29 PM, August 17th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

AuntCis,

OW may not have any info yet. Try not to stress. Unless you find out they cancelled the appt. and changed their minds.

It is going to take several months for this to go thru and there might not be any updates on a regular basis. As long as the ultimate goal is achieved (getting OW out of your life), it is worth the wait.

Green,

Yes that is what I did. I made her think that I was helping her. It made my skin crawl, but I "civil for the sake of the kids". Understanding how she has never had a break away from OC, I had them almost the whole summer. Which in fact helped them because they began to act differently at home with her. All they did was talk about me and our family.

A normal mother would have been hurt by this, but she thought it was wonderful. You can take them anytime you want she said, you don't have to ask. They really let me know what she was about.

It is your place to discuss custody? YES, because you will be caring for OC on a daily basis and I feel that you have a right to discuss this with her. I would approach it in a help mode. My H and I want to help with OC during this difficult time, etc.

When the bomb on the OW, she didn't see it coming and that's how it had to be so that she did not cover up anything and keep the OC going thru this mess. Sometimes I wondered if I was being vengeful, but to see the difference in these kids in 9 month period, I know I did the right thing.


Me: 40+ Him: 40+
Married: 20+ years
D-Day: 3/7/07
Children: 24dd,23ds,21dd
10 yr. LTA 3OC w/OW 10,10,14 8/14/12-gave custody of twins to ex 8/16/12-DIVORCED!

Posts: 2910 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Maryland
green_eyed_devil
♀ Member
Member # 18139
Default  Posted: 2:45 PM, August 17th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BMC,
You know it makes me wonder why our H's fell for these pieces of work? I know mine didn't "feel loved" at home. He had an 18 year old stoking his ego. He'd complain about me and she'd agree with him, then later remind him of how awful I was. It didn't help that he has suffered from bipolar disorder for most of his life. I think it was one of his manic phases, then he fell into an awful depression and realized I was the one there for him, not his OW. She was looking for money, which he didn't have much of. She didn't realize we were a young struggling family with 2 children and one on the way.

Thank God H finally saw her for what she was, and has since seen more. Probably the reason we were able to R, although it's been difficult at times.


Me FBS 30 Him FWS 31
Together since 3/96, married 03/07
our children D13, S10, S8
EA began 3/02 which lead to their marriage in 7/02, left her 9/03 divorce finalized 10/04
D day 5/02
OC born 5/03,

Posts: 72 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: Missouri
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 7:09 AM, August 19th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Again, I know I shouldn't be complaining cause I am getting what I have wanted for the past 11 years(although it feels like it going to take forever ).

But it just really pisses me off that OW is going to get her happily ever after. I mean I know that thing's may end up not working out for her and her new H in the end( ). But if they do , why does she get to be happy and get off scott free? True she isn't getting her happily ever after with my H like she wanted, but she gets to just go on and live her life with no repercussuions for her actions in persuing my H. I am fairly certain that her new H doesn't even know the true story. She probably told him that I was the OW that stole her man .

I am seriously considering sending an annonymous letter to her new H after the adoption is final telling him what kind of a person she really is. I have already talked to my brother who lives in the state she does(OW doesn't know this)and asked him if he would re-mail a letter if I sent it to him so it wouldn't have the post mark from my state on it. I know this seems childish and petty, but I just can't help but feel that she deserves to pay a little for the years of agony she caused me. And before I get any 2x4's believe me when I tell you that my H has paid PLENTY for his role in this, and now I feel like it is her turn to suffer.


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
lonely&depressed
♀ Member
Member # 19779
Default  Posted: 11:21 AM, August 19th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Auntcis,
Perhaps it would be best to leave well enough alone. While it is easy to remain angry at all the OW that cheated with our H's forever, we have to remember that our H's are just as much to blame. Our H's broke their vows. In my opinion the OW in your case hasn't lived and probably isn't going to live happily ever after. Keep in mind that there is a C involved. Your H has decided NC with the OC. Every C deserves to have two parents, even if they are not biological. If another man is willing to take on the responsiblity of raising OC as his own allow him to do so. Think of what is best for the child. A stable home with loving parents that get along. I know it's difficult. Try to keep that in mind. We can't shift all the blame on OW. Our H's where willing participants. Stay positive never lose sight at the end of the tunnel. Your getting what you've always wanted

Posts: 157 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: New York
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 12:11 PM, August 19th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

loney&depressed,
You are right, and I probably will just leave well enough alone. But I just get the feeling sometimes that she didn't have to deal with any repercussions for her part. We all know the pain we as BS suffer and trust me when I tell you my H has suffered plenty. All OW has had to do was mooch off the state and drive me half crazy. Honestly the only thing stopping me from telling OW's new H about what a whore she is, is the fact that he cares for OC and she for him. It still irks me that OW gets to present herself to people as something she is not .

Like you said, I just need to keep my eye on the light at the end of the tunnel. And maybe the karma bus will make a stop at OW's home and her H will do the same to her


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
lonely&depressed
♀ Member
Member # 19779
Default  Posted: 12:52 PM, August 19th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Auntcis Yea I would love for OW to have a nice big dose of Karma come her way to. I have a question. I need advice on how to tell my C about OC and why she wasn't a part of her life. I don't plan on tell ny C about her until she is a teenager. What do I tell her? How much information is to much? Will she be pissed at me? WILL SHE GET OVER IT? She's only 3 now. I refuse to tell her now because OC will not b apart of her life now so whats the point.

[This message edited by lonely&depressed at 12:54 PM, August 19th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 157 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: New York
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 1:17 PM, August 19th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We told our oldest 2 COM when our DD was 8 and our DS was 6. We figured it was time cause we would bring up OC name and they would hear and ask "who is that" as well as them seeing pictures of OC that OW sent. We also figured that they would take it better and be quicker to forgive at a younger age, we only told them what was needed. They were both upset at thier father, but got past it fairly quickly. As they have gotten a bit older they figure thing's out on thier own and understand why OC is not a part of thier lives. Neither of them have asked for her to be a part of thier lives and have shown no desire to be a part of hers. Our youngest son doesn't know yet and my H doesn't think we should tell him since OW's new H is adopting OC so her name won't be mentioned as often. I disagree with him and feel we should tell our son soon so he doesn't feel that his siblings knew something that he didn't, like we were keeping a secret just from him. Had I been able to tell the future and know that OC would be adopted and continue to not be a part of our lives I think we would have still done the same thing. Cause although my H will no longer be OC's legal father he will always be her biological father and may choose to contact him later in life. I think that would be harder for our COM to handle, to think we hid OC from them thier whole lives. But each situation is different and each child handles thing's different, so what was right for us may not be right for everyone.


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
lonely&depressed
♀ Member
Member # 19779
Default  Posted: 1:30 PM, August 19th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Here's the thing. I'm afraid that If we tell her while she's very young she might want to get to know her. I don't see how this is possible when I don't want to be involved. My H thinks we should tell when she older and explain EVERYTHING to her. I don't think its fair to tell her, yes you have a sister, but no she can't come over, no she can't spend the night. no you can't spend the night either. I just pray that she doesn't resent me handling the situation the way I have. I think that when she older although she may be upset she can retionalize and understand how sensitive the situation is. If she's angry at anyone it should be her father because he but us both in this situation. I feel like her anger should be directed at him and not me. Hopefully she doesn't hate me for this. She doesn't have any other siblings aside from OC.

Posts: 157 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: New York
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 1:56 PM, August 19th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My COM didn't get mad at me for the situation at all. And thier relationship with thier Dad is great. Like I said they have never shown any intrest in getting to know OC, even now. I don't think your daughter will end up being mad at you no matter how you end up handleing the situation, none of it is your fault.


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
lonely&depressed
♀ Member
Member # 19779
Default  Posted: 1:58 PM, August 19th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hope your right.

Posts: 157 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: New York
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 2:11 PM, August 19th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think that we as mother's want only to protect our children and make ourselves crazy sometimes doing so . But with this situation I have found that my COM try to protect me . I think as long as you are open and honest with your daughter the relationship between the two of you will be just fine .


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
lonely&depressed
♀ Member
Member # 19779
Default  Posted: 2:19 PM, August 19th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks

Posts: 157 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: New York
SadMommie
♀ Member
Member # 17718
Default  Posted: 2:21 PM, August 19th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi guys,

I need guidance (nothing new ) !!!

I just don't know how to handle the OW. She is still after after my H after 1 1/2 years from D Day. She acts like I stole her boyfriend/soul mate. My H has told her and her mother (who is raising OC) that he is working it out with me and loves me!!

She keeps saying that she is keeping many secrets from the A etc etc. I think it is all trash to upset me but it does get to me. Why wouldn't it hurt me - she is taking punches at my life, my future and my character.

I just don't know how to keep these things from hurting me???? How do I do it? Why am I still here? Is he really worth it???I just keep taking this abuse from a crazy person (she really is mental). Why does she feel entitled to MY life. On second thought, I hope the infidelity bus hits her pretty hard one day. Then she will have my life!!!

Thanks for listening and I'll take any advice.


Me - 36
H - 35
Kids - D-6years, S-3year
OC - 2 year old
OW - POS crazy 25 year old
D-Day - April 10, 2007

"I am where I am because of the bridges that I crossed." - Oprah Winfrey

"Excuse me, what level of Hell is this?" - Bu


Posts: 91 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: Virginia
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 2:32 PM, August 19th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((SadMommie)))

I feel you. OW tried to fill my head with garbage about still seeing my H 3 years after Dday. Unfortunatly, that is when I had to make the decision to tell my H it was OC or me and our COM, cause I refused to live the rest of my life with OW's craziness. Up until this May when OW got married I would have bet money that if my H asked to get together with her she would have. Some OW really are just mental.

Is your H worth it? That's a question only you can answer.

How do you keep the stuff she says from hurting you? I found with time my skin just got thicker and it got easier to ignore the more I realized she was crazy and grasping at straws. Can you block her from texting you? Please do yourself a huge favor and stay away from her myspace! Do your best to try and ignore her and she will lose her steam.

Keep your chin up


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
BMC0415
♀ Member
Member # 14038
Default  Posted: 6:25 PM, August 19th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sadmommie,

I have been thinking of you and wondering how things are going. My thing for me I will never know every little detail, I am just going to have to be alright with that.

Again only you know if your
H is worth it. Why is she still in the mix at all? Her mother is raising the child, she should have NC with your H and with you. This will not stop unless you make it stop. What it takes to make that happen is up to you.

I am sure that if the DNA test had come back differently, I still might be dealing with OW, but I will not tolerate my H having any connection. But that is me.

AuntCis, I know how tempting it is to get revenge. I was going to send an anon. letter to OW landlord about the drug activity and a couple of other things, but I decided in the long run it may look lie they are living happy ever after, but sometimes they are not. And I am not going to waste my energy on OW anymore.

Everyone keep your head up.


Me: 40+ Him: 40+
Married: 20+ years
D-Day: 3/7/07
Children: 24dd,23ds,21dd
10 yr. LTA 3OC w/OW 10,10,14 8/14/12-gave custody of twins to ex 8/16/12-DIVORCED!

Posts: 2910 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Maryland
monkeybiz
♀ Member
Member # 15072
Default  Posted: 2:28 PM, August 20th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you got a D, what did you do with the OC? as in any stipulation in the agreement about having OC in your COM's life. our kids are still so young (2 year and 4 mos olds), I'm not sure if I want the OC even mentioned until they are older. I will have physical custody in a different state, so unless WH decide to have visitation/custody at the same time, they won't ever have to see the OC. curious what others did.


me, BW - 38yr old former sahm
WH - 38 year old deadbead dad
married May 05
DD born July 06
DS born March 08
left him Dec 07
filed for D Oct 08

OW since Dec? 04
D-day May 07
OC borm July 07


Posts: 134 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: N Cal
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