All that I am saying is to just be careful, I would not say this if I had not seen it before myself. Sometimes people use tragedies to get something that would have been harder to achieve without the emotion there. And she may not even do it on purpose, that is why I suggested a support group or someone else she can lean on.
You have a good heart and even if it turns out that she doesn't appreciate it u know you did the right thing for you.
AuntCis- Grandma was a no show. There is still tomorrow so I won't say anything negative until then if she doesn't show.
[This message edited by BMC0415 at 11:01 PM, August 16th (Saturday)]
We decided to take OC back to OW for the week (first week of school). We had earlier agreed that OC would stay with OW for the next week, then come back to H and I for the nex 3-4 weeks until things settled with OW. Well last night when we dropped off OC, OW was waiting on the porch. She said she'd take care of OC from here out, no need for us to be involved, not to worry about CO visitation, etc. She also said she was over the loss of her baby (less than 24 hours after the fact!). Now she was probably saying this so we would think she was ok to care for OC, but damn she came acorss cold and callous.
So H and I had already talked about how we would procede with the custody hearing even with all this going on. I'm glad we had decided to continue because OW actions last night showed that she's back to her old ways rather quickly.
I'm considering not taking her to the funeral home tomorrow, but maybe I should. I'd like to see how she reacts to it, like to be able to say she leaned on me in that time of need because she had no one else. I"m hoping that would look better in court. If she knows H and I are that stable to lean on us and in a sense "take care of her" or her problems since she's unable to, would that make us look better in the long run? Like she can't handle situations and turns to us because she knows we can? I'm sure she's using it to her advantage because she has no money to pay for a funeral and I offered a name and number of someone who does infants at no charge. I told H that I know I'll never hear a "thank you" out of her and it will only go to show how selfish she is.
Oh, and she plans on dressing her and OC alike for the funeral....in denim skirts and mint green silk shirts. I'd hate to come in dressed more appropriately that she is. I may even introduce myself to her family as "the other woman"....her lovely name for me since H got his head out of his butt and we worked things out.
[This message edited by green_eyed_devil at 8:42 AM, August 17th (Sunday)]
If you can stand it I would go to the funeral home with her. I will tell you why, maybe this will give you some insight as to how she is acting about things. She maybe back to her old ways or she may be thinking I am not going to let them take OC from me now that I have lost my baby.
This does not change the issues that caused you to have concern. Because of her past behavior as a mother, I would watch her more now because she may get worse.
If you don't want to come off as mean or evil, always keep in mind and make sure that the lawyer and judge know that you and your H's goal is the welfare and safety of the child. If you have any documentation as to previous behavior of the OW concerning her mothering of the OC, that is what you focus on.
With these OW, you have to be on the defensive 24-7. If you know my story, I tolerated the OW and became friendly with her for a 7 month period until I had enough evidence to have her kids removed from that horrible thing she called a life. I kept that goal in my head over my hate for her.
Now I am not saying that she could not get herself together and my goal was not to keep the OC forever, but my OW show she did not care. And the OW in your situation may show that too if you are given temp. custody. If this is granted and there is any visitation, document everything. If the child comes back dirty, hungry, anything not normal.
Are you prepared to possibly keep OC until she is 18? I am just wondering.
Just want you to know I am thinking of you.
I will talk to H tonight adn see if he thinks I should still go given the change in OW. Afterall, like you said, it will give me insight. I think it will tell me more about her ability to function, how she's really handling it, etc. I've lined up a sitter for OC, although OW doesn't know. OC does not need to be there while the arrangements are being made. I'm going to stand my ground on that one and will refuse to take her to the appointment if OC is not allowed to stay at the sitter.
H wants me to talk to her about custody and see where she stands while we are on the road. It's about a 30 min drive each way, so we will have time for a chat. I don't know if it's my place to do this. I'm not worried about timing after her scene last night. Not to sound completely harsh, but she can put on her big girl panties and face what she has done with her life. I think my concern for her well being ended last night. As someone on another board told me "fake it til you make it"....I can appear to be her best friend an get her thru this for OC and my families benefit. Sounds like that is what you did.
OW may not have any info yet. Try not to stress. Unless you find out they cancelled the appt. and changed their minds.
It is going to take several months for this to go thru and there might not be any updates on a regular basis. As long as the ultimate goal is achieved (getting OW out of your life), it is worth the wait.
Yes that is what I did. I made her think that I was helping her. It made my skin crawl, but I "civil for the sake of the kids". Understanding how she has never had a break away from OC, I had them almost the whole summer. Which in fact helped them because they began to act differently at home with her. All they did was talk about me and our family.
A normal mother would have been hurt by this, but she thought it was wonderful. You can take them anytime you want she said, you don't have to ask. They really let me know what she was about.
It is your place to discuss custody? YES, because you will be caring for OC on a daily basis and I feel that you have a right to discuss this with her. I would approach it in a help mode. My H and I want to help with OC during this difficult time, etc.
When the bomb on the OW, she didn't see it coming and that's how it had to be so that she did not cover up anything and keep the OC going thru this mess. Sometimes I wondered if I was being vengeful, but to see the difference in these kids in 9 month period, I know I did the right thing.
Thank God H finally saw her for what she was, and has since seen more. Probably the reason we were able to R, although it's been difficult at times.
But it just really pisses me off that OW is going to get her happily ever after. I mean I know that thing's may end up not working out for her and her new H in the end( ). But if they do , why does she get to be happy and get off scott free? True she isn't getting her happily ever after with my H like she wanted, but she gets to just go on and live her life with no repercussuions for her actions in persuing my H. I am fairly certain that her new H doesn't even know the true story. She probably told him that I was the OW that stole her man .
I am seriously considering sending an annonymous letter to her new H after the adoption is final telling him what kind of a person she really is. I have already talked to my brother who lives in the state she does(OW doesn't know this)and asked him if he would re-mail a letter if I sent it to him so it wouldn't have the post mark from my state on it. I know this seems childish and petty, but I just can't help but feel that she deserves to pay a little for the years of agony she caused me. And before I get any 2x4's believe me when I tell you that my H has paid PLENTY for his role in this, and now I feel like it is her turn to suffer.
Like you said, I just need to keep my eye on the light at the end of the tunnel. And maybe the karma bus will make a stop at OW's home and her H will do the same to her
[This message edited by lonely&depressed at 12:54 PM, August 19th (Tuesday)]
I need guidance (nothing new ) !!!
I just don't know how to handle the OW. She is still after after my H after 1 1/2 years from D Day. She acts like I stole her boyfriend/soul mate. My H has told her and her mother (who is raising OC) that he is working it out with me and loves me!!
She keeps saying that she is keeping many secrets from the A etc etc. I think it is all trash to upset me but it does get to me. Why wouldn't it hurt me - she is taking punches at my life, my future and my character.
I just don't know how to keep these things from hurting me???? How do I do it? Why am I still here? Is he really worth it???I just keep taking this abuse from a crazy person (she really is mental). Why does she feel entitled to MY life. On second thought, I hope the infidelity bus hits her pretty hard one day. Then she will have my life!!!
Thanks for listening and I'll take any advice.
"I am where I am because of the bridges that I crossed." - Oprah Winfrey
"Excuse me, what level of Hell is this?" - Bu
I feel you. OW tried to fill my head with garbage about still seeing my H 3 years after Dday. Unfortunatly, that is when I had to make the decision to tell my H it was OC or me and our COM, cause I refused to live the rest of my life with OW's craziness. Up until this May when OW got married I would have bet money that if my H asked to get together with her she would have. Some OW really are just mental.
Is your H worth it? That's a question only you can answer.
How do you keep the stuff she says from hurting you? I found with time my skin just got thicker and it got easier to ignore the more I realized she was crazy and grasping at straws. Can you block her from texting you? Please do yourself a huge favor and stay away from her myspace! Do your best to try and ignore her and she will lose her steam.
Keep your chin up
I have been thinking of you and wondering how things are going. My thing for me I will never know every little detail, I am just going to have to be alright with that.
Again only you know if your
H is worth it. Why is she still in the mix at all? Her mother is raising the child, she should have NC with your H and with you. This will not stop unless you make it stop. What it takes to make that happen is up to you.
I am sure that if the DNA test had come back differently, I still might be dealing with OW, but I will not tolerate my H having any connection. But that is me.
AuntCis, I know how tempting it is to get revenge. I was going to send an anon. letter to OW landlord about the drug activity and a couple of other things, but I decided in the long run it may look lie they are living happy ever after, but sometimes they are not. And I am not going to waste my energy on OW anymore.
Everyone keep your head up.
OW since Dec? 04
D-day May 07
OC borm July 07