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Newest Member: iknowiwillbeok (43219)

I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: OC support thread BS Only
doistay2008
♀ Member
Member # 18898
Default  Posted: 3:03 PM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have a question: When did you tell family menbers about the OC? We recently told his parents. Now we are conflicting b/c he thinks we should have waited. We haven't told anyone else.

While I am in the question-asking state of mind. If you removed COM from the equation, what was your motivation for staying married?


Me: 30
Him: 30
Married 2 years/
Togetherish 8
OC: born feb 08
No COM

Posts: 210 | Registered: Mar 2008
dreamer1
♀ Member
Member # 13716
Default  Posted: 3:08 PM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks I guess I will just wait, I believe she really thinks they are my H children. But I'm the one that is still probably really waiting for God to give me a break and not let them be my H. My life has always been hard. I habe become such a strong person through what life has given me, and always made sure to make others happy before myself. which easy for most people to do. But now I have started to make sure I am happy first...

So I pray everyday that god finally ease up on me this one time.

But the not knowing can really get to you. And after saying that she doesn't want me around those babies, and making things even harder for my H. I just hope he does the right thing for us and does not sneak off to see them without me. That is why I wanted to know if they are here yet...

But I know this will not kill me, but will make me even stronger ( If possible now).

There are days that I think life might be so much simpler and less stressfull without this marriage, to deal with.. and OW/OC.


S(he) Be(lie)ve(d)
Me-BS 48
Him-FWH 50
Friends 34 yrs-Married 26 yrs
D-Day 1/20/2007
LTA-To Many False R to count and D-days, Last D-day June 11,2010
4 stepchildren SS 28, SD 29, Twin SS 2yrs.
Twin OC, born 6/23/2008
Trying to see if R is pos

Posts: 558 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Arizona
doistay2008
♀ Member
Member # 18898
Default  Posted: 3:14 PM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dreamer,

I hope for your sake, the child isnt his either.

While I don't know why any of us are in this situation, I do have faith that we will all come out stronger for having survived this.

sending hugs to you...


Me: 30
Him: 30
Married 2 years/
Togetherish 8
OC: born feb 08
No COM

Posts: 210 | Registered: Mar 2008
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 3:39 PM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

doistay, We told our family and friends about OC right away. Even though we got mixed feelings from poeple we felt it was easier than trying to keep the secret. But that was just what was best for us, not saying that is the right move for everyone.


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
doistay2008
♀ Member
Member # 18898
Default  Posted: 3:50 PM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thanks auntcis,
i pushed him to tell his parents b/c i think 1. they need to know and 2. i needed a break from all of the questions around having children. 3. i thought if his parents knew, he would have to deal with the situation.

I don't regret telling them but now H is angry with me bout it. He is angry with me about alot of htings these days. But I figyure he is going through a blameshifting stage. I am 100 percent ok with the decisions that I have made post d-day.


Me: 30
Him: 30
Married 2 years/
Togetherish 8
OC: born feb 08
No COM

Posts: 210 | Registered: Mar 2008
25wimsey
♀ Member
Member # 7816
Default  Posted: 3:58 PM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

distay, we haven't told anyone yet, but will tell our adult kids within a few months. And I'm dreading it--

I didn't want to tell anyone for a long time, and it was easy since this was a long-distance infidelity--I was and am so ashamed of H and what he did, couldn't stand the "sympathy" I would get or the looks which said what are you staying with him for? I'm one of the older BS's on this thread, I think--had a lot of equity in a mostly good marriage, and entangled home, finances, etc. etc., plus H is remorseful.

Now I've come to terms with the fact that our kids knowing is inevitable (how long can we hide the reason to travel to Europe every 3 or 4 months??), but I am grateful that my mom died before she would have to be told. If H's mother has to find out, it will nearly kill her I think, but that's H's problem I feel.

Why are any of us here? Some of the reasons I mentioned, plus I really do love most of H, and don't want to grow old with anyone else, don't want to be alone and struggling--rather deal with the one I know with his pluses and minuses, as long as H can keep the contact with OW within boundaries I can accept.

One thing that helps me is that I know I can survive on my own--am not afraid of that at all--and my own kids will still be behind me. And day to day is mostly pretty good--hardest thing is how the whole mess is now a part of our history together, and a part of my own personal story--one that I hate with a passion.

Uncertainty is a fact of life I guess, and I never used to live day to day with that realization staring me in the face. Sucks.


Posts: 695 | Registered: Aug 2005
doistay2008
♀ Member
Member # 18898
Default  Posted: 4:05 PM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow,
Thank you 25whimsey. I've really been struggling with these questions. We don't have children, so that isn't a reason to stay. I do love my husband and he is, at his core, a good guy.

I too hate the fact that this situation is now a part of my life story. But you have helped me to realize that it will be a part of my life's story whether I stay with him or not.

I will be thinking of you as the time nears for you to tell your children. I felt like we had to tell his parents. I am glad that we did. Faith is important to me and knowing that they are praying for us brings me comfort. That may sound silly, but his dad is a minister and he married us, so if anybody is an advocate of our marriage, he is. It makes me feels better that he is cheering for us as we struggle through this.

I think I went on yet another tangent. lol.

[This message edited by doistay2008 at 4:07 PM, June 17th (Tuesday)]


Me: 30
Him: 30
Married 2 years/
Togetherish 8
OC: born feb 08
No COM

Posts: 210 | Registered: Mar 2008
firstandthird
♀ Member
Member # 17022
Default  Posted: 4:07 PM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

we told them about the possibility of OC at the same time we told them about the ONS. Only my mom has actually asked if the kid is born yet. Basically, I'm leaving it at that. THey all know the OC should have been born by now, and I think everybody has had enough to deal with without worrying about this too. So, if they ask, I'll tell them and the same for his parents. HIs dad was just in the hospital for a mild heart attack, and they know we arenn't planning on contact. I think they all have just decided to let it drop for now.


Me: BS 26
Him: WS(ONS) 27
Wedding Day: Mar 17, 2007
ONS: Sept 4, 2007
OC born: May 22, 2008
Nov 25, 2008: Found out the OC is not his!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Posts: 108 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: ohio
lonely&depressed
♀ Member
Member # 19779
Default  Posted: 4:25 PM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My husband told his mother, father and sister. His mother was very angry with him. Since I have decided i will have NC with OC I don't feel the need to tell my family. I don't consider it to be any of their business actually. Their not going to babysit OC, spend time with her or any of that so other than to feel sorry for me and gossip about me I don't see any benefit in them knowing. When the time is right I will tell our C and let her make her own decision about waht she wants to do. I have enough to deal with already if they are not going to be active in OC' s life what the point of telling everyone our business. To me.................................It's on a need to know basis.

[This message edited by lonely&depressed at 5:39 PM, June 17th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 157 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: New York
want2bok
♀ Member
Member # 19913
Default  Posted: 5:11 PM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey - been reading the threads for a couple of days. So glad to have support here.
We also have chosen NC at this point and haven't told our families - OW/OC live 2+ hrs away. However, she has threatened to inform them if he continues NC. What can we do to prevent this?? I have mixed feeling about telling his mom but my family absolutely doesn't need to know.


BS - me 32
WS - him 32
3 beautiful girls - 11, 9, 7 and angel baby 7/9/10
D-Day 1/07 - 1+ yr PA
OW 35
OC born 12/06
R since 2/07 and going well

Posts: 135 | Registered: Jun 2008
lonely&depressed
♀ Member
Member # 19779
Default  Posted: 5:29 PM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How ridiculous! She wants to blackman your H into C with the child. She'll learned that the only thing that she can force is CS. As for her telling his mother, you really can't stop her from doing so. If she does all you and your H can do is ask his mom to respect the decision you and your H have made by choosing to have NC. If his mom decides to have NC that really her decision. Don't fall for her Blackmail ploy. Let OW know , OK your tell his mom and then what...........................................................he will still have NC. OC's father will still come around so what did prove.

Posts: 157 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: New York
lonely&depressed
♀ Member
Member # 19779
Default  Posted: 5:30 PM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When will these whores ever learn!

Posts: 157 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: New York
charlotte
♀ Member
Member # 3663
Default  Posted: 5:34 PM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I told my family the same day I found out. This was in 2003. They were shocked. They were upset but stood behind me and my decisions. It hurt then too. My H and I have been together since 1984.

We told his mother about a month later. My H isn't close to his family.

Our daughter was standing beside me when I answered the phone so she heard it when I did. She was crushed she was always a Daddy's girl. She was 17 at the time.


Posts: 3983 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: Maryland ES
BMC0415
♀ Member
Member # 14038
Default  Posted: 8:45 PM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just wanted to say goodbye to everyone. I have decided not post anymore. I dont feel supported anymore and I dont feel that I am supporting anyone else.
I guess everyone thinks I have it all figured out, but I dont, I am dealing with some serious issues and talking about them is not helping. I will like to thank those who have supported me and who feel that I have provided them some support.

Good luck everyone with what you are dealing with. I wish the best of you all.

BMC



Me: 40+ Him: 40+
Married: 20+ years
D-Day: 3/7/07
Children: 24dd,23ds,21dd
10 yr. LTA 3OC w/OW 10,10,14 8/14/12-gave custody of twins to ex 8/16/12-DIVORCED!

Posts: 2910 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Maryland
25wimsey
♀ Member
Member # 7816
Default  Posted: 10:45 PM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry you don't feel supported, bmc--good luck in your journey. Maybe you could keep us posted after the August stuff happens?

I don't think any of us has it "all figured out"--especially your complex situation. But I wish you all the best in your journey and with your marriage especially--I think sometimes those of us with OC's get caught up in the legal stuff or OW drama or just dealing with the OC's themselves, and we put on the back burner the issues around betrayal that begat all our troubles!

Sorry, got carried away with my thought--we'll miss your wisdom and support, don't think you weren't helpful to many of us. All the best to you.


Posts: 695 | Registered: Aug 2005
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 6:31 AM, June 18th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((BMC)))

I'm sorry you aren't feeling supported .

I feel selfish, cause you have been extremely helpful to me and others on this thread! I can't count the times you have set me on the right path .

My best wishes for you .


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
SadMommie
♀ Member
Member # 17718
Default  Posted: 8:04 AM, June 18th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BMC - I will really miss you!! I know at times you don't feel strong but you really are - we all are!!!!

You are always in my thoughts and prayers for your wisdom and courage.

Let us know how you are doing from time to time.


Me - 36
H - 35
Kids - D-6years, S-3year
OC - 2 year old
OW - POS crazy 25 year old
D-Day - April 10, 2007

"I am where I am because of the bridges that I crossed." - Oprah Winfrey

"Excuse me, what level of Hell is this?" - Bu


Posts: 91 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: Virginia
dust to dust
♀ Member
Member # 12583
Default  Posted: 8:14 AM, June 18th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

wow another oc support thread! H and I went to see the oc a couple of days ago, it was very awkward. As a result we called ow yesterday because she disrespected us by not even aknowledging we were inthe same room with her. We are also fighting her on visitation days too. She doesn't trust my h with their son and won't let him take the child by ourselves.


dday 1- september 06, he was having a three month affair.
dday2- april 1st 2008, six months after oc was born, h finally came clean about everything.
Present day- trying to R again.

Posts: 1532 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: florida
charlotte
♀ Member
Member # 3663
Default  Posted: 9:18 AM, June 18th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((BMC)))))

I am so sorry for the hard times you are having.

I admire your strength and courage.

Your wisdom will be missed.

I wish you the best of luck. I hope things turn out the way you want them too.

I admire the way you have handled everything with grace and dignity.


Posts: 3983 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: Maryland ES
doistay2008
♀ Member
Member # 18898
Default  Posted: 9:57 AM, June 18th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BMC,

I am so sorry that you don't feel supported. I am sorry if I leaned on you too much. You are a valuable addition to this board and you will be missed. I hope that you decide to rejoin us and give us a kick in the pants if you are not getting what you need. If your decision is final then I wish the very best to you.

I know that those children are so lucky that you are in their lives. I hope you are able to get the custody situation figured out.

In my book you will continue to be a strong woman...full of grace....wishing you peace and blessings.


Me: 30
Him: 30
Married 2 years/
Togetherish 8
OC: born feb 08
No COM

Posts: 210 | Registered: Mar 2008
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