The OW in my situation is known to many of my friends/acquaintances, and they also know that WS has had just one contact w/her since finding out she was pregnant (she's spinning it as "he bailed when he found out i was pregnant"--in truth, he broke up with her the day he got her pregnant, then confirmed that they were broken up when she made the "announcement"...)
Anyway, OW and WS are NC, and the plan is to go thru the courts for paternity, visitation, and CS...but friends keep saying, "it's too bad they can't just set aside their differences (!) for the sake of the baby"
Then when I say, "for the sake of our marriage, he does not have any contact with OW", it becomes MY fault that he's not seeing his baby...like I am keeping him away...like he would be right there in the delivery room if I wasn't stopping him...
WTF?!? How did I become the bad guy here? I didn't cheat, THEY did!
I understand where you are coming from. My FWH Aunt's verbally attacked me one day at a Pampered Chef party that my SIL was having. So it was in front of not only other family members but my SIL friends too . They said that they couldn't believe that I wouldn't "get over" my anger at OW so the OC could have both of her parents in her life. They thought I would be the "bigger" person and encourage my H to have a relationship with OC. And they said that if one of thier sons had a child that they couldn't be part of thier life it would be devastating to them and they couldn't believe that I was putting my MIL through that pain They never had the guts to say any of these things to my H, but felt free to say these things to me. They continued to treat my H as if he had done nothing wrong.
My H made the choice to have me and our COM in his life. True I gave him an ultimatum, but the final choice was his. Me and our COM were the ones who were wronged here, so why am I made to feel like a bad person for not welcoming the whore and her child into my family! Til this day I still get the cold shoulder from my H maternal side of the family
[This message edited by auntcis at 8:28 AM, August 31st (Sunday)]
A few friends and family members did not agree with us trying to R, but most of them have come around. I think everyone was so protective of me because I truly have tried not to do wrong in my life and they think my H is the monster.
I let everyone have their opinions, but in the end they knew it was our choice. If my H had walked away from the OC, no one would have condemned me for it.
Me: "I am so sick of people thinking I'm the bad guy b/c Mr. MJ isn't going to sit down with his whore and work out visitation arrangements"
Her: [long silence]
Her: "Well, but there's a baby involved now, and that's the most important thing and nothing else matters...why don't YOU just sit down w/the whore and talk to her, it would make everything so much easier...if my H had cheated, i'd be throwing him in front of the whore every chance i got, so that if they were going to do anything it would happen sooner rather than later...you just have to be the bigger person here, he probably misled her into thinking he wanted a baby with her..."
and this is the BEST support I have!
We will be your support
Update - the OW wrote an "apology' to me. I had high hopes that this would let us move on - I was wrong. It started off OK but quickly went into F-you mode. I don't believe that telling me that she had sex with my H over the weekend should be part of an apology. My H said that it was an apology and that she asked for my forgiveness. I disagree along with many others. I cannot believe that he defended her!!! I told him that I didn't want to speak to him any longer. I guess I have finally walked away. I am trying to stay strong. I am so sad and down. I just want to cry but I am at work. Will the pain ever go away?????
"I am where I am because of the bridges that I crossed." - Oprah Winfrey
"Excuse me, what level of Hell is this?" - Bu
((((((((SadMommie))))))))) He just doesn't get it, does he? Still defending her. Still in the fog. Yeah, the pain does eventually go away, but right now, find some place, a corner, your car, and cry until you feel better. It helps. Then put your chin up, know that you are strong, and that your kids need you, and begin your life. You are better than this, and you deserve better.
(it's easier said than done. I know I deserve better in my situation, but I'm still here...)
XWH died Dec. 2010
I have to keep fighting off the urge to email or call her to find out what is going on.
My H keeps telling me to stop worrying since she told us that had he not agreed to sign his rights away, she was going to get them forcibly taken away so she wants it done pretty bad. My H theory is that since she had already had her older daughters fathers rights taken away and my H has agreed to sign the papers for his rights, that OW and her H are putting all thier efforts into having his exwifes rights removed so OW can adopt his children. He is probably right but the waiting is making me crazy !
I should be used to this kind of crap by now, I mean hell, she didn't even tell my H she was pregnant to begin with, so why should she keep us abreast of any adoption progress ! I just wish time would fast forward so we can be done with the OW and all the craziness for once and for all .
Then 2 days ago I find my Step son, has being posting things on myspace in regards to his twin baby brothers, and in the mist of all of it. He has emailed the OW, to see if he can go see the babies, now he is friend on her myspace. WTF, no consideration for my feelings. Next he will probably envite her and the kids to x-mas. I have raised this now 26yr old sence he was 3. And now he doesn't even have my back of feelings in account.
Step son and mother in law are trashing my brothers name around cause I believe they are trying to tear me apart from my true family so, all I really have to lean on is my H.
Now I have to try to figure all this paternity paper work out so we can get it filed. Step son will probably tell OW that we are going to pursue this now.
No longer will any information of any kind about my personal relationships be disclosed to any family members. Everything is great and fine if asked.
Needed to vent, Sorry...
What do I do? I don't want to say anything to H, about it either, I want to kind of see if he remembers the date this year or does anything special, as he should, but I don't want to do anything on my part, is this wrong.?
How did the OW get away with putting your H name on the birth certificate without his signature? I have never heard of a case where any woman who isn't married to a man being able to list him as the father without consent. I would look into the legality of that one.
I'm so sorry that your SS is acting the way he is. Keeping the OW abreast of what was going on in our lives is precisley what prompted us to limit any communications with my inlaws.
As far as your anniversary IMHO if you don't want to do anything I wouldn't wait to see what your H does. I would talk to him and let him know how you are feeling, so as not to have an argument about it later. But then on the other hand you could celebrate it and do your best not to think of OW and reclaim the day for you and your H
H just got mad at me cause I texted him a half hour ago and he just replied, and I could not get to the phone when he called, so I returned his call, and it went straight to voicemail, trigger time, so I texted were r u? So then he calss and says I'm at work been real busy, and has employees confirm, this and tells me that its embarissing to have to account and have employees confirm his were abouts. I did not ask him to do this he chose to envovle them in his validation of where he is. WTF. Like I asked to be put in this state of where I need to know were he is. And have these awful flash backs.
I just don't care if he is angry, hung up without a I love you...
With all this shit I have to deal with it's a shock I'm not in a mental institution yet..
Thinking life might be simpler without all this crap now..
It totally pisses me off that a BS income is taken into consideration for CS. Not my kid, why should I have to pay for it?! The only way we have dodged that bullet is I'm a SAHM.
My H had to go so far as to get a second job off the books just for us to make ends meet. Luckily he has recently been able to get rid of that job, cause being dishonest was really bothering him. But had it not been for that job there would have been no way we could have lived.
And my daughter is the only one who participates in extra curricular activities and like you that is thanks to my parents. We can't afford for either of our sons to do anything unless we ask my parents for more money. And we couldn't ask my in-laws for money cause it would get back to OW that they gave my COM anything.
I tell you it really pisses me off that a woman, whether a OW or not can decide to keep a child whether the father wants her to or not and he has no say! When he is the one who has to end up paying for at least the next 18 years! And there are people who will say that the man should wear protection, well protection has been known to fail. I just think that the situation with fathers in this country having little or no say in what happens from the time of conception is a load of bullshit.