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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: OC support thread BS Only
Want2help
♀ Member
Member # 20547
Default  Posted: 8:43 PM, August 30th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I never got to finish my last post (limited posting space on mobile web). It wasn't a question of whether OC would ever be taken away from OW (never happen, I have stepDs that were abused by their mother's bf- courts solution? Give dad every wknd inrtead of every other wknd!) I guess I am just concerned as WF is NC w/OC. We hope that OW will eventually marry & have a father figure for OC, but what if she turns out to be an unfit mother and we have been NC & can do nothhng about it... I am just so conflicted. On one hand NC is the obvious choice (atty even advised it) due to OW's behavior (we are a step away from harassment charges) & how hard C would be on our R due to her trying to "break us up", but even if OW were to grow the F*** up tomorrow, WF still wants NC, and I am just not sure how I feel... I resent the fact that OC was ever born, but I want to look out for the well being of a child... I guess I needn't dwell until the DNA test is done... Advice from anyone else who is NC?


BS- me.
FWS- him.
DDay 6/07 (immediately separated)
RDay 8/07
Surprise OC born 3/08 (NC)
6 years into successful R.
"That which can be destroyed by truth should be." -P. C. Hodgell

Posts: 1957 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: PNW
MollyJo
♀ Member
Member # 18820
Default  Posted: 8:03 AM, August 31st (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How do those of you with OC deal with all the helpful "friends" who encourage you to "get over it" for the sake of the OC?

The OW in my situation is known to many of my friends/acquaintances, and they also know that WS has had just one contact w/her since finding out she was pregnant (she's spinning it as "he bailed when he found out i was pregnant"--in truth, he broke up with her the day he got her pregnant, then confirmed that they were broken up when she made the "announcement"...)

Anyway, OW and WS are NC, and the plan is to go thru the courts for paternity, visitation, and CS...but friends keep saying, "it's too bad they can't just set aside their differences (!) for the sake of the baby"

Then when I say, "for the sake of our marriage, he does not have any contact with OW", it becomes MY fault that he's not seeing his baby...like I am keeping him away...like he would be right there in the delivery room if I wasn't stopping him...

WTF?!? How did I become the bad guy here? I didn't cheat, THEY did!


Me: BS Him: SOB OC born 9/08. We've split up but I still see him every day and the OW occasionally. Lost my whole life because he couldn't keep it in his pants.

Posts: 219 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: midwest
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 8:25 AM, August 31st (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((MollyJo)))

I understand where you are coming from. My FWH Aunt's verbally attacked me one day at a Pampered Chef party that my SIL was having. So it was in front of not only other family members but my SIL friends too . They said that they couldn't believe that I wouldn't "get over" my anger at OW so the OC could have both of her parents in her life. They thought I would be the "bigger" person and encourage my H to have a relationship with OC. And they said that if one of thier sons had a child that they couldn't be part of thier life it would be devastating to them and they couldn't believe that I was putting my MIL through that pain They never had the guts to say any of these things to my H, but felt free to say these things to me. They continued to treat my H as if he had done nothing wrong.

My H made the choice to have me and our COM in his life. True I gave him an ultimatum, but the final choice was his. Me and our COM were the ones who were wronged here, so why am I made to feel like a bad person for not welcoming the whore and her child into my family! Til this day I still get the cold shoulder from my H maternal side of the family

[This message edited by auntcis at 8:28 AM, August 31st (Sunday)]


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
Want2help
♀ Member
Member # 20547
Default  Posted: 4:18 PM, August 31st (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As far as "friends" putting their 2 cents in, I personally would let them know that they cannot judge the situation until they've been therd (I would bet $ almost everyone of them would be eating their words if they're H/W had an OC!!). Inlaws however, no idea. We are dealing with that ourselves. My Wf's lovely XW tried to befriend me when she found out we had split (I had no interest). When Wf left OW, his XW created a myspace to contact her, say "hey, he's my ex, if you want to have a relationship with Wf's daughters, etc". OW & XW are now best friends. OW often stays with XW & family. The SDs I spent 7 yrs helping Wf raise now call OW stepmom (even though she is a couple yrs older than them) & refuse to see Wf as they believe that Wf & OW should get back together for OC. XW had my MIL & SIL (meth users we don't speak to) at OC's birth along with SDs. OW made XW OC's godmother. F***ing Jerry Springer. Wf's maternal family are a lot like OW- total trailer trash, so its quite befitting, but my poor stepDs...


BS- me.
FWS- him.
DDay 6/07 (immediately separated)
RDay 8/07
Surprise OC born 3/08 (NC)
6 years into successful R.
"That which can be destroyed by truth should be." -P. C. Hodgell

Posts: 1957 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: PNW
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 4:35 PM, August 31st (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I said it before and I will say it again, if we all got together and used a little from each of our stories we could all be millionares from the novel we could write. It would be an international best seller!


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
BMC0415
♀ Member
Member # 14038
Default  Posted: 8:57 AM, September 1st (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Totally different for me. My FIL wanted to see OC when he first found out about them, but did not expect me to accept them less enough raise them. My BIL's and SIL's who have not really been that nice to me over the years, were very supportive. Everybody has been pretty much on my side with this.

A few friends and family members did not agree with us trying to R, but most of them have come around. I think everyone was so protective of me because I truly have tried not to do wrong in my life and they think my H is the monster.

I let everyone have their opinions, but in the end they knew it was our choice. If my H had walked away from the OC, no one would have condemned me for it.


Me: 40+ Him: 40+
Married: 20+ years
D-Day: 3/7/07
Children: 24dd,23ds,21dd
10 yr. LTA 3OC w/OW 10,10,14 8/14/12-gave custody of twins to ex 8/16/12-DIVORCED!

Posts: 2910 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Maryland
MollyJo
♀ Member
Member # 18820
Default  Posted: 7:16 AM, September 2nd (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

After i posted, i had a conversation with my best friend that went,

Me: "I am so sick of people thinking I'm the bad guy b/c Mr. MJ isn't going to sit down with his whore and work out visitation arrangements"

Her: [long silence]

Me: "WHAT?!?"

Her: "Well, but there's a baby involved now, and that's the most important thing and nothing else matters...why don't YOU just sit down w/the whore and talk to her, it would make everything so much easier...if my H had cheated, i'd be throwing him in front of the whore every chance i got, so that if they were going to do anything it would happen sooner rather than later...you just have to be the bigger person here, he probably misled her into thinking he wanted a baby with her..."

and this is the BEST support I have!


Me: BS Him: SOB OC born 9/08. We've split up but I still see him every day and the OW occasionally. Lost my whole life because he couldn't keep it in his pants.

Posts: 219 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: midwest
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 8:03 AM, September 2nd (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((MollyJo))))

We will be your support


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
lonely&depressed
♀ Member
Member # 19779
Default  Posted: 9:02 AM, September 2nd (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Molly-Jo............................ I have told very few people about my H's A and OC. I have found that people that haven't experience the same situation don't have a full understanding. So what if there is a C involved. It's up to OC's mother to look out for OC not you. Don't feel guilty about that. You don't have to hide your feelings OR deal with what you don't want to deal with. Remember that. Put yourself first. It's so easy for people to say what they would do if they were in the same situation. Hell before I found out about my H OC, I always said that I would leave him if he ever did that to me. But I'm still here

Posts: 157 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: New York
SadMommie
♀ Member
Member # 17718
Default  Posted: 11:08 AM, September 2nd (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh - MollyJo - we are here for you. This is one of the few places that people understand where I am coming from. The OC is not your responsibility. Keep posting!!

Update - the OW wrote an "apology' to me. I had high hopes that this would let us move on - I was wrong. It started off OK but quickly went into F-you mode. I don't believe that telling me that she had sex with my H over the weekend should be part of an apology. My H said that it was an apology and that she asked for my forgiveness. I disagree along with many others. I cannot believe that he defended her!!! I told him that I didn't want to speak to him any longer. I guess I have finally walked away. I am trying to stay strong. I am so sad and down. I just want to cry but I am at work. Will the pain ever go away?????


Me - 36
H - 35
Kids - D-6years, S-3year
OC - 2 year old
OW - POS crazy 25 year old
D-Day - April 10, 2007

"I am where I am because of the bridges that I crossed." - Oprah Winfrey

"Excuse me, what level of Hell is this?" - Bu


Posts: 91 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: Virginia
redvixen
♀ Member
Member # 15259
Default  Posted: 8:26 AM, September 3rd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((((((MollyJo))))))))) None one understands until they walk in the same shoes. Everyone can say "Oh, I'd do this or that" but until they're faced with it, no one really knows what they'd do. And I love that all of the sudden the OW is some poor, misled thing....Everyone's right - she's responsible for her child. Your marriage comes first.

((((((((SadMommie))))))))) He just doesn't get it, does he? Still defending her. Still in the fog. Yeah, the pain does eventually go away, but right now, find some place, a corner, your car, and cry until you feel better. It helps. Then put your chin up, know that you are strong, and that your kids need you, and begin your life. You are better than this, and you deserve better.

(it's easier said than done. I know I deserve better in my situation, but I'm still here...)


Me, BS Him WS early 40's at the start, cheated before and after cancer diagnosis.
Two A's, two OW's, online looking for sex partners, two false R's.
Threw him out in January 2009.
Divorce final March 30th, 2010

XWH died Dec. 2010


Posts: 4104 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: New Jersey
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 6:21 AM, September 5th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Still no more word from OW about the adoption

I have to keep fighting off the urge to email or call her to find out what is going on.

My H keeps telling me to stop worrying since she told us that had he not agreed to sign his rights away, she was going to get them forcibly taken away so she wants it done pretty bad. My H theory is that since she had already had her older daughters fathers rights taken away and my H has agreed to sign the papers for his rights, that OW and her H are putting all thier efforts into having his exwifes rights removed so OW can adopt his children. He is probably right but the waiting is making me crazy !

I should be used to this kind of crap by now, I mean hell, she didn't even tell my H she was pregnant to begin with, so why should she keep us abreast of any adoption progress ! I just wish time would fast forward so we can be done with the OW and all the craziness for once and for all .


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
dreamer1
♀ Member
Member # 13716
Default  Posted: 10:51 AM, September 5th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so f...ing upset.
H and I went to the CS meeting, then I found out that OW was gona be there, thought she would of handeled everything in her town, so I'm sitting there waiting finally excepting that I will finally have my face to face with her. And she didn't even show up. She hasn't even filed out her wage statement yet. So they were gona calculate her wages as minimum. WTF. She is pursing this and she doesn't even show up, So my H asked for a hearing on this now it's postponed until Nov.-Dec. for a court date. The CS office would not handel the paternity for us, because she listed my H as the father on the birth certificates. I told my H that I thought that is wrong that you can put any body you want on the birth certificate without approval,(I said she had listed Donald Trump she would of got more money than )

Then 2 days ago I find my Step son, has being posting things on myspace in regards to his twin baby brothers, and in the mist of all of it. He has emailed the OW, to see if he can go see the babies, now he is friend on her myspace. WTF, no consideration for my feelings. Next he will probably envite her and the kids to x-mas. I have raised this now 26yr old sence he was 3. And now he doesn't even have my back of feelings in account.

Step son and mother in law are trashing my brothers name around cause I believe they are trying to tear me apart from my true family so, all I really have to lean on is my H.

Now I have to try to figure all this paternity paper work out so we can get it filed. Step son will probably tell OW that we are going to pursue this now.

No longer will any information of any kind about my personal relationships be disclosed to any family members. Everything is great and fine if asked.

Needed to vent, Sorry...


S(he) Be(lie)ve(d)
Me-BS 48
Him-FWH 50
Friends 34 yrs-Married 26 yrs
D-Day 1/20/2007
LTA-To Many False R to count and D-days, Last D-day June 11,2010
4 stepchildren SS 28, SD 29, Twin SS 2yrs.
Twin OC, born 6/23/2008
Trying to see if R is pos

Posts: 558 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Arizona
dreamer1
♀ Member
Member # 13716
Default  Posted: 10:55 AM, September 5th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh ya, also Monday is my 23 yr anniversary, and this is also the month she concieved. I don't want to acknowledge my anniv. or anything about it. Scared H will do something, then I will feel guilty about not getting or saying anything, in regards to it.

What do I do? I don't want to say anything to H, about it either, I want to kind of see if he remembers the date this year or does anything special, as he should, but I don't want to do anything on my part, is this wrong.?


S(he) Be(lie)ve(d)
Me-BS 48
Him-FWH 50
Friends 34 yrs-Married 26 yrs
D-Day 1/20/2007
LTA-To Many False R to count and D-days, Last D-day June 11,2010
4 stepchildren SS 28, SD 29, Twin SS 2yrs.
Twin OC, born 6/23/2008
Trying to see if R is pos

Posts: 558 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Arizona
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 11:38 AM, September 5th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((dreamer)))

How did the OW get away with putting your H name on the birth certificate without his signature? I have never heard of a case where any woman who isn't married to a man being able to list him as the father without consent. I would look into the legality of that one.

I'm so sorry that your SS is acting the way he is. Keeping the OW abreast of what was going on in our lives is precisley what prompted us to limit any communications with my inlaws.

As far as your anniversary IMHO if you don't want to do anything I wouldn't wait to see what your H does. I would talk to him and let him know how you are feeling, so as not to have an argument about it later. But then on the other hand you could celebrate it and do your best not to think of OW and reclaim the day for you and your H


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
dreamer1
♀ Member
Member # 13716
Default  Posted: 12:13 PM, September 5th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ya in AZ you can put who ever you want as the father, without a signature, and not being married, but she gave them her x-married H last name not my H. Kind of strange to me

H just got mad at me cause I texted him a half hour ago and he just replied, and I could not get to the phone when he called, so I returned his call, and it went straight to voicemail, trigger time, so I texted were r u? So then he calss and says I'm at work been real busy, and has employees confirm, this and tells me that its embarissing to have to account and have employees confirm his were abouts. I did not ask him to do this he chose to envovle them in his validation of where he is. WTF. Like I asked to be put in this state of where I need to know were he is. And have these awful flash backs.

I just don't care if he is angry, hung up without a I love you...

With all this shit I have to deal with it's a shock I'm not in a mental institution yet..

Thinking life might be simpler without all this crap now..


S(he) Be(lie)ve(d)
Me-BS 48
Him-FWH 50
Friends 34 yrs-Married 26 yrs
D-Day 1/20/2007
LTA-To Many False R to count and D-days, Last D-day June 11,2010
4 stepchildren SS 28, SD 29, Twin SS 2yrs.
Twin OC, born 6/23/2008
Trying to see if R is pos

Posts: 558 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Arizona
bigheart9
♀ Member
Member # 19567
Default  Posted: 6:01 PM, September 5th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

dreamer, I'm in AZ too and was wondering about the whole birth certificate thing. I guess if OW in our case never contacts us we can search the records to see if she put his name on it or if she even had a baby!

Posts: 126 | Registered: May 2008
1234
Member
Member # 20346
Default  Posted: 2:18 PM, September 6th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

H works with OW and has been trying to find a new job for the past 2 months with no luck. This economy sucks and we can not afford child support for this child. H at the beginning was still in a fog and saying "oh I will find a way" well unless he pulls money out of his ass we are bound to lose a lot, including our house, because he couldnt tell her no! My girls have a lot of extra curricular activities (ie soccer, tumbling, preschool, gymboree, tee ball ect) that my parents help to pay. My state actually considers that a "gift" and includes it in income because one child should not get less than his other 2 in their eyes. Also, they can consider my income too! I am a teacher. After 10 yrs in my occ and a masters degree I finally am nearing 50K to now give it to some whore! Not to mention. To help me my dad is willing to sign over my grandmas house to me (not his name at all) but I still have to sell this house in a shitty market! Then to find out she can ask for a portion of what we make from that sale too! WTF!!!! She is a 22 yo receptionist who lives at home with daddy and step mom who don't want this child. H just does not get it. He says it was an accident. Um u dont accidentally screw the receptionist in the company parking lot esp when u work opposite shifts! Sorry just had to vent. I have to file for CS for my 2 just to cover them but it doesnt guarantee anything since I make a substantial amount in their eyes and will eventually be living mortgage free (pending the sale of our house). LIFE SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!! OK vent over!


"I'm a rockstar!"

Posts: 496 | Registered: Jul 2008
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 2:40 PM, September 6th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((1234)))))

That sucks!!

It totally pisses me off that a BS income is taken into consideration for CS. Not my kid, why should I have to pay for it?! The only way we have dodged that bullet is I'm a SAHM.

My H had to go so far as to get a second job off the books just for us to make ends meet. Luckily he has recently been able to get rid of that job, cause being dishonest was really bothering him. But had it not been for that job there would have been no way we could have lived.

And my daughter is the only one who participates in extra curricular activities and like you that is thanks to my parents. We can't afford for either of our sons to do anything unless we ask my parents for more money. And we couldn't ask my in-laws for money cause it would get back to OW that they gave my COM anything.

I tell you it really pisses me off that a woman, whether a OW or not can decide to keep a child whether the father wants her to or not and he has no say! When he is the one who has to end up paying for at least the next 18 years! And there are people who will say that the man should wear protection, well protection has been known to fail. I just think that the situation with fathers in this country having little or no say in what happens from the time of conception is a load of bullshit.


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
Want2help
♀ Member
Member # 20547
Default  Posted: 3:16 PM, September 6th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((dreamer))). I feel for you. Once my SDs found out OW was preg (thanks to their mother they knew before us ) they began calling OW their "stepmommy" - I have been "stepmom" for 7 years. Auntcis, I totally agree. A man actually sued tn have his parental rights terminated due to "discrimination" (a woman has a choice/men don't). He lost but it was an interesting case. OW in our sitch was very open to me about the fact that she got preg to "keep" my fiance. Even faked taking the "morning after pill". She even named OC Destiny & told everyone it was her "destiny to have WF's child whether he WANTED it or not". It absolutely turns my stomache. Men should be able to terminate rights, especially if he is married, but the cost of welfare would probably explode.


BS- me.
FWS- him.
DDay 6/07 (immediately separated)
RDay 8/07
Surprise OC born 3/08 (NC)
6 years into successful R.
"That which can be destroyed by truth should be." -P. C. Hodgell

Posts: 1957 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: PNW
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