[This message edited by lonely&depressed at 12:34 PM, October 20th (Monday)]
DDAY 01/06 - "BitchSlapMe"
[This message edited by lonely&depressed at 2:32 PM, October 20th (Monday)]
shockdbyndbelief, welcome, but sorry you find yourself joining our little group here. Keep coming back, I have gotten a lot of really great advice and support from these ladies
sadmommie, I think you are right, your H must be crazy. Tell just about any judge what he just asked of you and you might be able to have him committed to the local mental hospital
I am so sorry that it has come to this for you.
Thanks for the welcome, auntcis.
Dorada, it sounds like your husband is too ashamed to deal with the situation. My bf has said that he loves the OC, but I know he is feeling conflicted about this love b/c he is ashamed of what he did.
This is a horrible situation to be in, whether NC or C...ugh!!
It's been a week and I still wake up wishing this didn't happen.
I'm getting ready to establish boundaries with OW and OC...at least try to establish them, anyway. I really want bf to get a paternity test. But he seems to want to stay out of the courts for now. Does anyone know anything about private paternity tests? I've heard of DNA Center, but are there other companies?
How hard should I be pushing him to take care of the legal stuff?
As we are not married and don't have C of our own, it's not as crucial...but shouldn't he protect himself (and me, if we stay together) legally?
Thanks for any advice...
I have asked this before but I think I need a reminder... How do you let go of the resentment???? I am having a hard time - with or without my H.
"I am where I am because of the bridges that I crossed." - Oprah Winfrey
"Excuse me, what level of Hell is this?" - Bu
I just try to push past it and not let the resentment rule my life
I'm in the same boat as you guys on this resentment stuff. I still have not had a face to face or even seen the OC. But know that day will be here soon, and hope that I can put all my hurt feeling aside to accept them and move on.
And that means him not seeing the OC or the OW without your knowledge and if you choose to accept them, not without you. It was the hardest thing I had to do, but I took over the visitation in my situation, I picked up the OC and dropped them off and played civil with the OW until I got them out of that hell hole. I did not tolerate contact with my H and even changed his cell number, I told him if I see her number, a blocked number or any other suspect number, that is it, no more discussion it is over.
You have to decide what you can live with and and stick to it. If you can't live with the OC in your life, you must do what is right for you. If you are going to have OC in your life, it should be on terms that you can deal with. Remind me, did the DNA tests come back?
You have to decide what you can live with and and stick to it. If you can't live with the OC in your life, you must do what is right for you
BMC is right. You must stand up for yourself and make him stick to boundries that the 2 of you set together.
I have set boundaries, and I believe now he understands why, cause I new from the beginning that OW would pull something like this if he was to go visit those OC at her place alone.
He did make the phone call last night, but she is still persistant that she does not want me around the OC, she claims I'm crazy and she also scared I will take them away from her cause I told her in a letter at 1 time thanks for being a seragiate mother. LOL.
Husband is soooo worried she will keep them from her, but we have the CS hearing at the end of November, and he said that then he will finally prove to us both that he is with me for life and she will finally realise that we are together.
After all that has happened to me now, I'm just not sure anymore if this is right for me, I'm slowing slipping and fading away from my love for him, don't get me wrong it still hurts like hell. But not sure if I want this F...ing drama anymore, and really hasn't even hit the iceberg yet.
Has anyone had problems were the OW was persistant about the BS not seeing and being around the OC.
I don't think the courts will allow her to keep H or me from seeing them.
I'm not crazy, and I believe she is trying to get me to do something so that she has power in court.. If anyone is crazy here it's her, for trying still, knowing openly trying to take another womens man. She even wanted to use her other children to get me to believe her, how can a women envolve there children in this shit, she just didn't want me to mention to them that I was his wife. WTF, how would you even ask a child this stuff. WTF
What if he turns out not to be the father? It can happen look at me. A month will make no difference in visiting them. No OW can not keep him from visiting them or you for that matter unless she can prove that you are a danger to her children.
But this all must be done legally. I had Scooter repost the suggestions about protecting yourself in this situation, it is on page 9 of this thread. You might want to go back and review it. I hope your H means what he says.
h wants c, he can't do this without breaking nc, right???
My husband and I are only common law but I'll refer to him as my husband just to make it easier. We've been together for 9 yrs and HAD an ideal relationship, better than most peoples marriages among our friends anyway. We had 5 little boys in 7 yrs. Life was crazy but great most of the time. After the birth of my 5th child. I struggled with my sex drive A LOT and well we didn't sleep together for about 7 months.
Anyway in June of 08 he was acting weird and I didn't think much of it. However July 20th (a few days before my birthday no less) he got some odd text messages to his phone.... sexual in nature. I knew right away and confronted him. He admitted to sleeping with her once.... i knew it was more than that, the next day i foudn out it was a co-worker and that it had went on for 3 months and was closer to 8 or 9 times. I was/am devestated, then a week or so later she texted me (she knew i had taken his phone away) and said she was pregnant, I didn't believe her and neither did WH however it is true. She's 18 weeks along as of yesterday. Dumbass WH did not use protection with her. (he and i are both thankfully negative for all STD's). At first i felt bad for her and sometimes i still do... but more and more i'm pissed as heck at her.
I have tried to be friendly towards and she even IM'd me several times to say she has no friends and wants to know why Wh is ignroing her at work (he asked for a dept. transfer) and stuff like that.. then she started accusing me of keying her car, telling all her friends she has HIV (id ont' even know a single one of her friends) and then she tells me she's having a girl and is giving WH somethig i couldn't, and then sends me an ultrasound picture and says here the child you are taking a father away from..
He and I are working things out, we're in MC and IC. He has retained an attorney already etc...
I just hate this helpless feeling... I NEED to be doing something.... somethingto prepare for all this. IF... BIG IF the baby is his we want contact.
Another thing to screw up this situation... she has an older child that the state took custody of away from her. She's already been proven an unfit parent.. so it's a real scenerio that we could end up raising this child.
I am somewhat of a mess with the what ifs...
Anyway just wanted to say Hi to everyone :)
ETA: She's crazy... seriously in one 10 minute IM conversation she's telling me that she cannot raise a child by herself and wants us to take the baby and then says she doens't think she can trust me and doesn't want the baby anywhere NEAR me....
yeah i saved all those Im's for future proof for court if it's ever needed! Psycho!
[This message edited by beajus at 9:50 PM, October 26th (Sunday)]
For us it was not possible to have contact with OC without contact with OW--long story, but they're on another continent and that's part of the problem.
It's very, very hard to know there is contact. With us, it's now mostly email; H calls the child every two weeks and since he's only almost 3, it means an update from OW--these calls are in my presence. We visit when we can, and H picks up OC in a public place, then he and I spend time with the boy for a few days, during the day only for right now.
There's no good way to handle this--this is how we've developed an acceptable way, with lots and lots of discussions, tears, negotiations with a neurotic FOW--it can be done but it's not easy.
Ideally to get "over" an infidelity situation, there is NC with OW--this way, she never really dissipates out of our lives. If your H is willing and remorseful and will do what it takes to make you feel as safe as possible, it can be done. But it's for a long time--I look forward to the day the child is old enough to have his own phone, then H can call him directly and only have contact with OW over crises, etc.
Good luck. Feel free to PM me if you want.
I'm glad you have a lawyer--often people work out the situation totally through the lawyer if it works best for you that way.
It sounds like you should avoid conversations with her, but it's good that you're saving the IM's for future use if needed.
It is a crazy making situation--all those feelings are perfectly normal--on top of the crazy emotional roller coaster from learning about the infidelity--it's so hard.
I guess you got a lot of different perspectives if you read from page 1!! One thing they all have in common is to take care of yourself--work with H on your own R--and expect ups and downs for a long time. Good luck and keep posting.