Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
Find a Local Couselor
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: Depressed4ever (43230)

I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: OC support thread BS Only
Want2help
♀ Member
Member # 20547
Default  Posted: 10:04 PM, January 4th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just wanted to say happy New Year to everyone, of course I have been reading your posts, and L&D, good for you, and Hellokitty, good for you, get the hell out of there.
I was under the impression that we were not having any problems with OW, as we have moved (and are now waiting to move away even further), DH changed jobs, we changed phone #s, emails, you name it, but my adults SDs (who are very much in cahoots with OW and therefore my fiance has no contact with them) showed up at our house recently to cause drama with no explanation of how they got the address (child support doesn't even have it). They gave us some BS about "driving past and seeing our cars", which is untrue, as we live out in the country, quite a few towns away from them, on a back road.
Well, we just got paperwork from CS, OW switched jobs, she is now a CNA at the hospital I would be giving birth at if we weren't moving, and the hospital that my OBGYN is through, so I suspect she illegally accessed my records. I cannot believe it. My friends and my fiance were all so afraid her and SDs would show up at the hospital when I went into labor (one of the reasons we are moving- it's one of only two hospitals, and they have a public online "nursery", where you can look at people's babies and leave comments, without a password!) and now she has found a way to legally be there. And, according to the child support records, she took a $6 an hour pay cut to work there!!! (She was an admin asst at a retirement home). And it's not for the benefits, I know someone who worked at her old job, and they were great benefits there.
I guess she wasn't joking when she told me I can "never run away" from her.
I am just going to pray she doesn't follow us when we move across the state!


BS- me.
FWS- him.
DDay 6/07 (immediately separated)
RDay 8/07
Surprise OC born 3/08 (NC)
6 years into successful R.
"That which can be destroyed by truth should be." -P. C. Hodgell

Posts: 1957 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: PNW
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 5:21 AM, January 5th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((Want2help)))

That is scary! Especially in your delicate condition I would take measures to see about a protective order if they follow you after you move this time. I was scared to death that OW was going to try and do something to my COM as revenge for the fact that my H is NC with OC. And OW in your situation may have access being a CNA, please be careful!

[This message edited by auntcis at 5:21 AM, January 5th (Monday)]


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
kwash
Member
Member # 13957
Default  Posted: 8:07 AM, January 5th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Happy new year all! I have a question...

H's CS hearing date is coming up and we are wondering if it is a good idea to meet with his lawyer before hand or if that is a waste of time.

Before the holidays, H had to provide info about his income/expenses/debts in advance of the upcoming hearing. The OC's mother had to provide some answers as well to Q's that I guess H's lawyer had asked (is she working, income, etc).

H has not attended any of the court proceedings to date, but he will be attending this one. We are in VA - do you know what will take place at this hearing? Will the judge make a determination based solely on the info that has been submitted? I am thinking it would be a good idea to meet with the lawyer beforehand to make sure we know what will be taking place and to make sure the lawyer has instructions should anything come up (e.g. H wants to request NC with the mother and OC).

Thanks!


Posts: 2178 | Registered: Mar 2007
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 10:03 AM, January 5th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

kwash, when my H had his CS hearing we went and were asked to wait outside while our lawyer and the lawyer for the state(OW was on welfare at the time) went into the courtroom. OW didn't even show up. It probably wouldn't hurt to have your H have a phone conference with his lawyer if it will make you feel better though


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
kwash
Member
Member # 13957
Default  Posted: 10:10 AM, January 5th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks auntcis - the OC's mother does not live in our state and will not be there. It will be the state representing her (we think she owes the state for assistance she received) so that's not an issue at all. Just wondering if the court will decide at this hearing based on the written submissions alone or if this court date will be to receive the submissions and a determination of support will be made subsequently. We will likely have the teleconference or meeting with our lawyer.

Posts: 2178 | Registered: Mar 2007
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 11:11 AM, January 5th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just wondering if the court will decide at this hearing based on the written submissions alone

My H CS was set based on the numbers on paper alone. We didn't get a chance to speak at all or anything. All the judge was concerned about was the numbers and nothing else.


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
kwash
Member
Member # 13957
Default  Posted: 11:47 AM, January 5th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Q: If my H's medical and dental will cover the OC completely, does the court take this into consideration when arriving at a support amount? Thanks!

Posts: 2178 | Registered: Mar 2007
Want2help
♀ Member
Member # 20547
Default  Posted: 12:06 PM, January 5th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

kwash, my FWF's medical insurance for OC is quite expensive (almost $300 a month), and according to the state he has to have OC on it as long as the mother wants him to (so she never has to pay for insurance, even if she has it way cheaper, errr) but he gets about half of that amount credited off of his child support.
And auntcis, yes, I wasn't afraid OW would do something like that, we haven't heard from her since August, but after this I am afraid. My FWF is already working out of town, so we need to get the $$$ together to find a place up there by May (when I am due).
It upsets me so much that her focus is on ME. No mention of FWF being a "father" figure to OC (we are NC), she is fixated on me. I think she would like to believe I stole her chance at a "perfect family" since she blatantly told me she thought FWF would never go back to me and marry her if she got pregnant... sorry to ruin that little fantasy.


BS- me.
FWS- him.
DDay 6/07 (immediately separated)
RDay 8/07
Surprise OC born 3/08 (NC)
6 years into successful R.
"That which can be destroyed by truth should be." -P. C. Hodgell

Posts: 1957 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: PNW
BMC0415
♀ Member
Member # 14038
Default  Posted: 12:21 PM, January 5th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

AuntCis, Want2help and EV1 here that you so much for the encouraging words that you give me everytime I have a crisis which sometimes is alot.

Want2, I don't want to alarm you, but OW does seems obsessed with ruining and following you and you m,ay be right, she feels like you stole her happliy ever after. I would really watch things. I would even watch my credit reports if she has any access to any kind of information on you. I woldn't put anything pass her.

Kwash, as far as the CS, according to MD they do it according to income level and the amount of overnights the child spends with each parent, they are also take into account any medical insurance that a parent is paying and come of with a percentage of monthly support towards the child that each parent should pay.

I would get some kind of conference with my lawyer a head of time. It is funny how things that affect you directly,you can't even be present for. I am filing CS this month against OW, I might not get anything, but I have to try and make her responsible.


Me: 40+ Him: 40+
Married: 20+ years
D-Day: 3/7/07
Children: 24dd,23ds,21dd
10 yr. LTA 3OC w/OW 10,10,14 8/14/12-gave custody of twins to ex 8/16/12-DIVORCED!

Posts: 2910 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Maryland
lonely&depressed
♀ Member
Member # 19779
Default  Posted: 2:40 PM, January 5th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Does anyone know if you have to be legally separated from H to get CS?

Posts: 157 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: New York
1234
Member
Member # 20346
Default  Posted: 6:21 PM, January 5th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not in Illinois. I filed and am still married to the rat bastard. He's been living outside the house for 3 months though so I don't know if that made a difference. All I did was call my state department of child services. Ask for the child support division. They will answer all your questions. The ladies I have spoken to so far have been VERY helpful.


"I'm a rockstar!"

Posts: 496 | Registered: Jul 2008
beajus
♀ Member
Member # 21386
Default  Posted: 6:31 PM, January 5th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just wanted to pop in and say "hi" and Happy new year. I'm still around reading mostly. Just busy being me and dealing everyday.

(hugs) to everyone!


me BS 29 him WH 30
Together for 10 yrs
5 little boys 8,7,7,4,2
Dday 7-09-08
OC born 3-30-09
R- 8-1-08
Have OC 75% or more of the time
H works with OW
S. 7-30-09 NOT A related.
12-09 OW absconded with OC
1-2010 we filed for custody

Posts: 1396 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: NE iowa
qtpie
♀ New Member
Member # 22293
Default  Posted: 8:41 PM, January 5th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is all new to me, so I accidentally posted this yesterday in the wrong forum...oops. I was directed to post my story here in order to get some great support. I hope someone has some advice. I'm kinda at my wits end!

My husband left me 8 months ago after he started hanging around a new group of co-workers. He started drinking (something he has never done in our 5 yrs of marriage) and he started acting extremely shady...he's not a good liar, so I knew something was up. I work for a cell phone company, so believe me when I say I know how to put a timeline together with just phone records...and his stories just never seemed to jive.

He immediately began staying over at his employee's apartment (a 2 bedroom apartment --both FEMALE occupants). He said it was because he had nowhere to stay, but I'm not that stupid. He was staying with the same girl that had text messaged him over 2000 times the month before..not to mention she's also 21 (8 yrs younger than me!)

Anyway, he pushed for a divorce for months, while I begged for him to come home and work things out. Finally in August he said he wanted to work things out, so he started coming over to the house and he even moved in with some family members instead of staying with the OW. Everything was going great, but then after 2 weeks he just completely shut me out and told me to finish the divorce papers...no explaination. That was the week of our 5th wedding anniversary.

After a month of mental anguish, I finally got myself to the point where I was empowered to move on...and the divorce papers just needed a little bit of tweeking. That's when the bomb got dropped. My H sent me an email and told me he had been having an affair and the OW is now pregnant, but that he doesn't want to be with her. He said he loved me and when we were working things out for those several weeks it was before she found out she was pregnant. He didn't think I could handle the news (especially since I haven't been able to have children in all of our 5 yrs of marriage), so he felt it was better to just go through with the divorce.

Well, to make a long story kinda short...I have made a decision to give our marriage a chance and try to work through this. Currently we are seeing each other 3-4 times a week (no intimacy at all, although that hasn't happened in 2 yrs anyway) and we talk on the phone everday. He only talks about the situation when "he's in the mood" and has just now started to open up a bit about the baby situation. This is the first child to come into our lives and he recently admitted he is excited--especially since he just found out it's a boy. He says he has no feelings romantically for the OW, but he is protective of her because she is carrying his child. This makes me so insanely jealous and I really don't know if I am going to be able to share my husband emotionally like this.

The whole baby situation is a mess too. My H still lives with his family and still has contact with the OW with the excuse that she is pregnant with his child and he doesn't feel right just leaving her. She is young and thinks that he is going to be with her through the delivery and they are going to have a happy little family. She is constantly calling to talk about baby names and doctors appointments...and now the bills are rolling in (which he is paying half of)

I have made a commitment to try to work on our marriage, but I am not getting the commitment from him that I want. I know he is in a hard position, but if he really loves me and wants to work things out I would think he should be bowing down and doing everything necessary to work things out. I have so many questions...

Where do I draw the line in terms of the contact he has with the OW?

Is it too much to ask that I be present when he talks to her?

He still sees her and is planning on continuing to see her "to lend emotional support through her pregnancy"...is it too harsh of me to say that she made her bed, so now she must lie in it? (being a single mom is a consequence of sleeping with a married man!)

What role do I play in the baby situation? Do I just sit back and let them do everything together for the sake of the child or do I also act as a parent?

Ugh...I'm having such a hard time! Is there anyone out there in a similar situation?? I would really like to get some advise. :) Thanks!


Posts: 14 | Registered: Jan 2009
lynne01
♀ Member
Member # 21856
Funny  Posted: 8:41 PM, January 5th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just wanted tell everybody Happy New Year!!!
Still working on me!
For the New Year I learn so far that the only person that can heal my heart is God!
H and I still working on the M. Some days are good, some are not but it only been a month so I am going to give it some time!
OW got put out of her apartment but she still unconcern with her situration all she is concern about is me!
New Years Eve she took the OC to the emergency room and call H and told him they were rushing the OC into surgury because he couldn't breath. H did not panick and rush to the hospital so she call back and said it was a false call OC only has a slight cold but she needs a ride home from hospital. H did not go pick her up. I think she just wanted to spend New Years with h! But we are documenting all of this for our attorney. Instead of getting mad at H because he did not show up. OW blamed me so she calling or leaving threating message on H cell phone telling H how she's going to harm me when she see me.
Well the New Year is here and I hope everyone has peace for 2009!


I am taking my life back!

Posts: 95 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: twilight zone
beajus
♀ Member
Member # 21386
Default  Posted: 11:47 PM, January 5th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Where do I draw the line in terms of the contact he has with the OW?

Is it too much to ask that I be present when he talks to her?

He still sees her and is planning on continuing to see her "to lend emotional support through her pregnancy"...is it too harsh of me to say that she made her bed, so now she must lie in it? (being a single mom is a consequence of sleeping with a married man!)

What role do I play in the baby situation? Do I just sit back and let them do everything together for the sake of the child or do I also act as a parent?

Ugh...I'm having such a hard time! Is there anyone out there in a similar situation?? I would really like to get some advise. :) Thanks!

First thing is first.. Do NOT assume with 100% certainty that the child is your husbands without a DNA test. I have't been here long but i've already seen a couple of FWH's DNA tests come back with the baby not being theirs!
Everything below is just my own opinion.....
There is NOTHING your FWH can be doing right now for her. NOTHING. I've had 5 children of my own, Right now she just needs to eat right, and go to her dr's appts. That is it. If he's is still seeing her without you there, and talking to her without you there, he's still having the affair as far as i'm concerned.
There not one reason for him to have direct contact with her without you there. Even after the child is born and if it's proven to be his, all phone calls and drop offs and pick ups for visitation can be done through a 3rd party. Right now in our situation, OW knows to only talk to FWh about work matters and to only call our cell phones if she's in the hospital that is ALL.. after the baby comes, she's to only call if the child is in thr ER or in immenant danger. That is all. And those calls WILL go through me and all other contact is to go through a 3rd party.
If i were you I'd demand NO CONTACT at all if he refuses, than to me, he's not serious about reconciling and i'd be serving him with divorce papers.
There is no reason fo rhim to be having contact like that with her. If she's capable of spreading her legs then she's capable of picking a name! and again he has no clue if the child is even his.
He should be sitting back cooling his jets and doing nothing but working on his relationship with you until the kid is born and DNA tests have come back proving he is the father.
Hope that helps


me BS 29 him WH 30
Together for 10 yrs
5 little boys 8,7,7,4,2
Dday 7-09-08
OC born 3-30-09
R- 8-1-08
Have OC 75% or more of the time
H works with OW
S. 7-30-09 NOT A related.
12-09 OW absconded with OC
1-2010 we filed for custody

Posts: 1396 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: NE iowa
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 5:01 AM, January 6th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((qtpie))))

First of all, sorry you find yourself here, but welcome

As bejus said don't ever assume the child is his until a DNA test is performed, it hasn't happened in my case but it has happened before that the OC ended up not being the WS child. Also her advice about him still seeing OW even if just to lend emotional support it is still an A if only an EA, sorry. If he is paying half the medical expenses that is his choice but he may find out in the end he paid for a child that's not his, and at any rate he can make arrangments with the doctor to have bills sent directly to him not to OW. And no you are not asking for too much to be present when he speaks to OW, but quite frankly until the child is born and a DNA test is done there is no need to speak to her. OW shouldn't have had an A with a MM if she wanted happily ever after, if she goes through the pregnancy alone then that is a consequence she pays for sleeping with someone elses H. You and your H need to sit down and agree on boundries, and if he is serious about fixing your marriage there shouldn't be anything he can't agree to. As far as dealing with OC in your life each person chooses a different path, but you don't have to amke any choices as to which path you want to choose until after the child is born and a DNA test is done. Best of luck to you


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
liedforyears
♀ New Member
Member # 22324
Default  Posted: 7:12 PM, January 6th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is my first time posting here. I have read several of the postings but have not come across a situation quite like mine. I have been married to my H 23 years. I just found out 3 months ago that, as he says it, he had a ONS nearly 20 years ago and the OW got pregnant. She kept the baby and he has been visiting and paying CS for all these years without me knowing anything about it. When he found out she was pregnant, he told me he wanted us to have another baby so the OC and my child are 4 months apart. The OC just turned 29 and is an adult. I tried at first to have a friendship with her but she still holds a lot of resentment for my H as she does not feel he was in her life enough and refused to allow her to get to know our children. I don't feel the need anymore to reach out to her and be friends. She can have a relationship with my kids if they want but I am not under any obligation. She has already tried to instigate problems. The OW refuses to talk to me at all. I feel like I was robbed of the ability to make decisions about my life that I should have had the right to make. I am not sure whether I want to stay or leave yet. I'm in a far too emotional state right now to make that decision. My H and I rarely argued before but now I find myself blowing up at him often. I want him to hurt as much as I do. Then I seem alright and all of a sudden get very depressed and cry. BTW, my SIL knew about it for 16 years and never told me because as she puts it, it "wan't her secret to tell". But she stayed involved the the OC's life. I am not thinking I need her in my life either.

Posts: 5 | Registered: Jan 2009
liedforyears
♀ New Member
Member # 22324
Default  Posted: 7:15 PM, January 6th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just read my post. The OC just turned 19, not 29.

Posts: 5 | Registered: Jan 2009
lynne01
♀ Member
Member # 21856
Suspicious  Posted: 8:22 PM, January 6th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OK I needs some help!!!!!!
Just found out that my husband broke the rules! # 1 rule was no contact with OW or OC without me! Just found out that he took pampers to her last week! Also found out that Sunday he stop by to see the OC. H claims went alone because she is threaten to do harm to me. I am I wrong to put him out!!!!!!! He need to understand their are rules and the reason he is in this mess because he do not know how to follow rules! H said I am making something out of nothing! Tired of all this! I did nothing wrong but I feel like the bad guy!


I am taking my life back!

Posts: 95 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: twilight zone
qtpie
♀ New Member
Member # 22293
Default  Posted: 10:01 PM, January 6th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you beajus and auntcis!

It's good to connect with people who know first hand what I am going through. I whole-heartedly agree that if my H is still seeing her and not agreeing to go NC, then he is not totally committed to working out our marriage. His excuse is that he doesn't want to be that guy who gets a girl pregnant and then walks out on her. (interesting that he didn't care if he was that guy who had an A and got an OW pregnant!)If that's the case, then our marriage will never work. He can't have his cake and eat it too. He's not willing to sit down and set clear boundries because he says our marriage was already on the rocks and doesn't want to commit to what our marriage was before he left. I know in my mind what I need to do...it's just that I am a little slow on making such a life changing decision to leave him. I wish I hated him, but for some reason I only feel anger toward the OW. Ugh....the drama....I feel like Jerry Springer, Maury Povich and Ricki Lake had a baby and the result? --MY LIFE!


Posts: 14 | Registered: Jan 2009
Topic Posts: 1000
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20 · 21 · 22 · 23 · 24 · 25 · 26 · 27 · 28 · 29 · 30 · 31 · 32 · 33 · 34 · 35 · 36 · 37 · 38 · 39 · 40 · 41 · 42 · 43 · 44 · 45 · 46 · 47 · 48 · 49 · 50

Return to Forum: I Can Relate This Topic is Full
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.