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User Topic: OC support thread BS Only
baicbb50
♀ New Member
Member # 22331
Sad  Posted: 10:33 PM, January 6th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

New to the site - recommended by a friend. Married 30+ and not the first time being cheated on. Recently saw cell phone records of 2-4 calls a day since Oct to the same number and yesterday found assembly instructions for a baby toy in the trunk of the car. Our kids are grown and grandkids are 10 and 6. I'm drained with the denials and lies and have no ability to trust him again.


BS-Me
WH-Serial Cheater
Married 34yrs
When you don't have a love you can trust your married life is like the wind rushing by, nothing to cling to.

Posts: 20 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: USA Texas
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 5:19 AM, January 7th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

liedforyears and baicbb50, sorry you find yourself here, but welcome

liedforyears, your story is incredible! How someone could keep such a large secret for so long is beyond me. Did your H ever have a DNA test to prove that this 19 year old "child" is his or did he just take OW's word for it? If he hasn't I would reccomend that he do so. As far as a relationship with OC I don't feel you need to do anything, you were kept in the dark all this time intentionally when anyone of the people involved could have told you at any time and didn't. Your choices were taken away from you and this child is grown and I don't think you should feel any obligation to have a relationship with her JMHO.

baicbb50, Are you sure that there is a OC, did you come right out and ask him? I know after being lied to before it must be difficult not to jump to conclusions, but I would try not to until you talk to your H and get some answers. Good luck

(((lynne01))) You aren't wrong and you are not making something out of nothing. He agreed to boundries that he has broken and it's not fair to you.

qtpie, You say your H doesn't want to commit to what you marriage was like before, but what about committing to a new start? Have you suggested MC?


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
liedforyears
♀ New Member
Member # 22324
Default  Posted: 6:12 AM, January 7th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Auntcis, I know it sounds incredible even to me. I keep wondering what signs I missed. But noone caught on. My SIL kept the OC overnight and took her to my MIL. The OC would make comments about my H being her dad but my SIL would just excuse it away that she did not know what she was talking about. Even my MIL never caught on and she had some contact with the OC although only thought she was a friend of the family. My H never asked for paternity - he took her word for it. She has the exact same hair as my daughter. I don't know what a paternity test would prove now. There is no longer any CS. I guess the bottom line is that my H's family are VERY good at lying. At this point I am getting help to deal with this and I am not making any big decisions but am going to keep my options open. I have also decided that if they never wanted me to be involved for years, they can't expect me to become involved now. I can't change history, I can only change my future and that is what I need to concentrate on.

Posts: 5 | Registered: Jan 2009
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 6:32 AM, January 7th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have also decided that if they never wanted me to be involved for years, they can't expect me to become involved now. I can't change history, I can only change my future and that is what I need to concentrate on.

I think that is a good way to look at it, you need to think about what is best for you at this point.


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
anobligation
♀ Member
Member # 21445
Default  Posted: 1:45 PM, January 7th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know how to begin my post. There are so many things that I don't have the answer to or at least don't know what the correct answer is. My h moved our family half-way across the country in Nov 06. He confessed to me Aug 07 that he had had an affair before we moved and that she had been pregnant. He said he ended the A before he knew she was pregnant. She kept in contact with him through his work asking him what he was going to do about the baby and so forth. She showed up to our location in Aug with baby in tow to "introduce" them to one another. All of this was prior to me having any clue. Her showing up finally broke him enough to confess A to me.

My world collapsed, as anyone who is here on this site understands. He blindly accepted the child as his. I refused. He believed it impossible she would lie. I told him that any woman that would have sex with a married man was not above having sex with others. I was 7 months pregnant with our 2nd child while finding this out. I was horrified of having to explain an oc to my children when they were old enough and quite angry and bitter that it took away from my children.

Anyway, I pushed for a dna. He asked her and she agreed. Nothing ever happened. H and I seperated for about a month b/c he did not want to be married to me anymore and (surprise) there was a new girl he was interested in being with. I still pressed him to do the dna. It still involved my kids. So again he asked. She agreed and again nothing ever came from it.

We reconciled after my d's birth. Sent ow all info she needed to get dna done--gave her all info. She again agreed. Said she would only do it if H and her and oc were all together. H told her not an option. She still agreed. Weeks went by with nothing.

H and I are working on us at time and I'm asking for details of the A. Timelines and such. He tells me A ended at the end of Apr or beginning of May 06. I asked when oc was born. He didn't know. I told him to call and ask. (He and I were in different states at the time) He does. Calls me back and tells me Feb 11. It's really a close call for her to be pregnant with his child. So I told him to call and just tell her that the dates don't match and see what she says.

He calls me back in shock (can you believe that the ow isn't perfect? )she admitted to having sex with another married man at the time. She told h begrudgingly after he kept pressing her. H is now convinced oc is not his. I felt relief and thankful that my nightmare was over.

I find ow's myspace page ( I know!!) and find pics of oc. She has oc's b-day listed as May 22, 2007. I tell H. He says then she definately is not his. Except...now I've seen pics. Same nose as my d, same curly hair. Now my mind is going crazy. H firmly tells me over and over that there is no way she is his. He says that if the possibilty was even there that he would have to have a relationship with the oc. He could not abandon her.

I contacted ow through myspace back in May 08 and asked her dates of A . Didn't hear from her for awhile and then out of the blue i get a msg from her asking me if the rumors are true that my h has another baby with someone else. So I asked her to clue me in. She was referring to our 2nd child (as if i'm an ow). So, I respond that she already knew about pregnancy. (I had received an unsigned letter about a week after H's confession. In it ow told me she had oc and had brought her to our state and met H. She said she knew I was pregnant with our d and that H had chosen me and I should feel lucky b/c it was hard being a single mom and blah, blah, blah...) Now she's saying she never sent me a letter. I told her that there were things in the letter that only she would know. She doesn't respond to that. She told me alot of things that I don't know what to believe. H says they are lies. I want to believe him but it's hard obviously. She also wrote that if she knew that we were having another baby that she would have stepped aside (she was not an issue after the A only the oc) and that she would never have introduced her daughter to her daughter's father. That just blows my mind. Talk about selfish.

I know this is long but I still wonder if oc is my H's and I just want some feedback. I feel crazy sometimes. I'm obsessed with comparing pics of oc with my own. I'm afraid of getting comfortable and being hit out of nowhere with this.

Also, she gave oc our last name. H's name is not on bc. This was more painful than I expected. I've looked into hiring a lawyer to get a court ordered dna test but too much money right now.

I feel myself wanting to contact her. I want to know with certainty. I want to not have this question mark hanging over my head. I know I'll probably end up with more questions than answers and still not know what to believe.


Posts: 76 | Registered: Oct 2008
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 2:18 PM, January 7th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((anobligation))))

I wouldn't even bother contacting OW cause it seems to me that neither she or your H can get the story straight. I would do what ever you need to do to get a DNA test, cause there are going to be too many thing's left open to question otherwise. Good luck


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
liedforyears
♀ New Member
Member # 22324
Default  Posted: 8:35 PM, January 7th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with anobligation, you will not get any honest answers if you contact her. My H says it was a drunken ONS. The OC told my daughter it was more. I left a mssg with OW to call me I needed to talk to her. The OC called me back and asked me not to talk to her mother. Her mother was not protecting my H but she was protecting her mother. I called the OW at work anyway. Guess what! She did not want to talk to me and would not answer my questions. My H denies it. I can't get any straight answers from anyone and have realized I probably never will. I became obsessed with pictures and timelines too. The conception was within one week of my first child's 2nd bd. She was born one month after we stopped paying CS on his daughter from his previous marriage. He first saw OC right around our 5th anniversary - and on and on and on. Finally my H took the pictures away. I will demand them back but it is probably a good thing to set them aside for a while. The more you focus on trying to understand, the less you will understand and the crazier you will get - unless you are lucky enough to have a H who will finally start being honest. That probably won't happen. It is hard not to obsess but try to concentrate on other things. Put your children as beneficiaries of your life insurance, retirement, etc. in order to protect them. Open a separate account that he can't drain should he decide to cut and run. Start an inventory of possessions so you are prepared to fight for you and your children if need be. These are things that will make you feel like you are making progress. Trying to understand won't.

Posts: 5 | Registered: Jan 2009
baicbb50
♀ New Member
Member # 22331
Default  Posted: 11:19 AM, January 8th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes I have confronted my H about all of this. This man is not a novice to being unfaithful and has lied, cheated, been caught before and forgiven by me. Recently saw his cell phone records which show 2-4 calls daily to same number. During an argument a week or so ago, he recently told me that he's been holding a grudge and not contributing financially as much as he could for about 13 years because I made the statement that he wasn't "all that" in front of the kids during an argument. and a few days after Christmas, I found assembly instructions for a baby toy in trunk of the car. He denies it all. Says the number is for co-worker who swaps work-shifts with him sometimes and has no clue on where the instructions from the trunk came from. I'm not sure what a break down is, but I think I came close the other night and it's left me so undone and with a total lack of feeling. Whatever he said or promises he made that night and since, I can't seem to care and have no reaction to. I am numb.

Life has not been easy and forgiving has not worked. As I write this I feel so incredibly stupid for so much. I have to do something to improve the rest of my life. These past few days, right now, this minute feel like all that's in me has been drained away.


BS-Me
WH-Serial Cheater
Married 34yrs
When you don't have a love you can trust your married life is like the wind rushing by, nothing to cling to.

Posts: 20 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: USA Texas
SandV
♀ New Member
Member # 22320
Default  Posted: 7:30 PM, January 8th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I joined this board a few days ago. H came to me to tell me he cheated on me. He also told me that she is now pregnant. Her mother took her to the dr this week, but H hasn't found out the pg date as yet.
I already raise a child of his from a previous ONS before he and I met. The only reason I am raising this one is the mother is totally unfit. I do not know how to cope with the fact that she is pregnant being I have fertility issues. I got pg for the first time in 18 years and it ended in ectopic.

oh nevermind
it doesnt even matter


Posts: 4 | Registered: Jan 2009
baicbb50
♀ New Member
Member # 22331
Default  Posted: 9:36 PM, January 8th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SandV your feelings matter. I've only been on this site for a few hours and I do feel someone is listening. You have a life and it does matter.


BS-Me
WH-Serial Cheater
Married 34yrs
When you don't have a love you can trust your married life is like the wind rushing by, nothing to cling to.

Posts: 20 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: USA Texas
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 5:50 AM, January 9th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((SandV))))

You are a person and your feelings DO matter. Feel free to talk to us, we understand what you are going through.

(((((baicbb50))))

I'm sorry you aren't getting the answers you need from your H. Can you call the number you found yourself and find out who it is? That at least may give you 1 answer.

[This message edited by auntcis at 5:51 AM, January 9th (Friday)]


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
baicbb50
♀ New Member
Member # 22331
Frustrated  Posted: 2:21 PM, January 9th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

<<<auntcis>>> I have called the number and left my name and number on the answering machine, I researched and found a name and address. It is a fact that I am married to an unfaithful H. Whether there is OC or not I am so, so tired. Leaving and starting a new life is like the brass ring, but I can't get past being overwhelmed with having to face clear facts, to grab it. What is wrong with me?????.


BS-Me
WH-Serial Cheater
Married 34yrs
When you don't have a love you can trust your married life is like the wind rushing by, nothing to cling to.

Posts: 20 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: USA Texas
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 3:29 PM, January 9th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((baicbb50))))


There is NOTHING wrong with you! You are not the one with the issue, your H is! You don't have to rush to make any decisions. You will make the choice that is right for you when the time is right for YOU. There are no rules or timelines set for making life changing decisions. You said your kids are grown and it is apparent that your H has done what he has wanted without considering you over the years, so now it is time to do what YOU want and to hell with what he thinks.


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
qtpie
♀ New Member
Member # 22293
Default  Posted: 10:06 AM, January 10th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((SandV))

I am sorry you are going through this. I have recently found out that my H has a child on the way too. The OW is someone he works with, so there is no getting away from her. I also have PCOS and have been on fertility drugs for 3 of our 5 yrs of marriage. We haven't been able to have children, so I feel so guilty...it hurts to know someone else is able to give him a child when that's what we wanted together for so many years. I am here to talk to...seems we might have a bit in common. :)


Posts: 14 | Registered: Jan 2009
qtpie
♀ New Member
Member # 22293
Default  Posted: 8:52 PM, January 10th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well..I did something. Better than the nothing I have been doing for months, but I think my timing was off. I told my H that I can't keep being strung along while he tries to figure out his feelings for me. I told him that I am already married to him, so I shouldn't be expected to "date" him in order for him to figure out his feelings.

I also let him know that our marriage was not going to get any better by him being a fence-sitter and still having contact with the OW. Although she is having his child, that was her choice to sleep with a married man so now she should have to deal with the consequences of being alone while pregnant. I told him she is minipulating him by saying she needs his support through the pregnancy. I told him that if he needs her and needs to be with her because she is the mother of his child, then he is not serious about mending our relationship because he is still having an emotional affair and as far as I know he probably is still having a physical one as well.

I also told him that he is not just going to all of a sudden have feelings for me again just by us spending more time together...those feelings may or may not ever come back, but the first step is going to have to be MC, not sitting around playing playstation!

Well...that sums it up a bit. I said a lot more, but he didn't really respond. He did say that he wants our marriage to work out, but he doesn't know how to do it. He is going to councelling on his own, but I am frusterated that all he talks to her about is how all this is effecting his performance at work...grr. Anyway...like I said, I think my timing was off because I said all this the day before I got my wisdom teeth taken out and now I am extremely sick with a cold along with trying to heal from the surgery...ugh. Needless to say, I haven't been able to talk to him much about it. Stupid me...I totally let him off by not timing this right. Oh well, when I'm better he'll hear some more from me. I'm tired of waiting around for him and am ready to take charge of my own life...with or without him!


Posts: 14 | Registered: Jan 2009
Want2help
♀ Member
Member # 20547
Default  Posted: 9:36 PM, January 10th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good for you qtpie... You really don't deserve this (NONE OF US DO!!! ) and if you choose to R and go through this part of your life, it really needs to be on your terms.


BS- me.
FWS- him.
DDay 6/07 (immediately separated)
RDay 8/07
Surprise OC born 3/08 (NC)
6 years into successful R.
"That which can be destroyed by truth should be." -P. C. Hodgell

Posts: 1957 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: PNW
baicbb50
♀ New Member
Member # 22331
Default  Posted: 9:54 PM, January 10th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

<<qtpie>> You sound clear and you're standing up for yourself. Your timing might be perfect. Cause you're sick, not really feeling like sparing back and forth leaves some time to think about what's been said on his part and yours. This may be a good thing.


BS-Me
WH-Serial Cheater
Married 34yrs
When you don't have a love you can trust your married life is like the wind rushing by, nothing to cling to.

Posts: 20 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: USA Texas
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 6:35 AM, January 11th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

qtpie, good for you! I agree with baicbb50 though, your timing may actually work in your favor, cause if you aren't feeling well enough to contact him he may get scared that he hasn't heard from you. And being scared may light a fire under his sorry butt


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
qtpie
♀ New Member
Member # 22293
Default  Posted: 7:02 PM, January 11th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

what was I thinking?? I actually thought being sick and recovering from surgery might bring some sense of compassion out of my H...actually, it did just the opposite. He called me from work and said that he didn't want to come over to see me because he was afraid of getting sick too. I understood that, although I was a little sad that he wouldn't be there to take care of me (nobody likes to be sick alone). Anyway, I compassionately said "that's okay...don't come over. I don't want you getting sick."

So, what was the next thing out of his mouth??? "Well, ___(insert OW name___ wanted me to come over tonight and I thought I might since you're sick anyway" WHAT THE ____!!!?? Well, as you can imagine I went off!!! I asked him if any part of what he just said makes any logical sense...who would think their wife would be okay with being home sick while he goes and spends time with the OW. I am floored! His excuse is always that she is going to be the mother of his child and he doesn't feel right just leaving her alone and he doesn't understand why I can't accept that he might just want to be friends with the mother of his child. Well, ladies I'm sure you can only imagine the choice words I had to say about her and her decision to sleep with a married man. I have no sympathy for her situation at all and I told my H that if he has more compassion for her than for me, then I'm outta here. Still, I guess nothing really sunk in. He went out with another "friend" from work--yes, you guessed it, a FEMALE. He said he is going to talk to his counselor about everything this week. I think it was just a cop out so he wouldn't have to argue. I'm so tired.


Posts: 14 | Registered: Jan 2009
BMC0415
♀ Member
Member # 14038
Default  Posted: 10:01 PM, January 11th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow, in the past couple of days this board has really been busy. While I am glad to see the new members, I hope that you are getting some support and understanding, I am also sad about how many of us are forever affected by the selfish actions of the person we trusted most in the world.

Lynne01, your H broke one of the boundaries that you set for R, he still does not quite understand that this is serious. You have to decide, are you going to continue this way? Him ignoring the call on New Years doesn't mean anything if he later went to visit. It takes two to R and he is not doing his part. I am sorry that you are going thru this.

qtpie, I too am sorry for the things that you are going thru. The fact that he would not even come over and help you while your were sick and to even suggest that he spend time with OW is just hateful. I am angry for you. It kills me how these men are so anxious to play daddy and don't even have all the facts. My H thought OW was faithful too, read my story and you will see that there is a strong possibly that OC may not even be your H's. The emotional support excuse is a cop out for your H to continue the A whether it be an EA or PA. And he should not be paying for anything until DNA is done.

LiedforYears, wow, I too am hurt by your story and it has some similiarity to my own. First of all, you are under no obligation to try to get along with OC, you are a good person for trying, but your H made this situation and he will have to deal with the feelings of the OC. The fact that your SIL knew about this makes me wonder. She is no friend of the marriage and you need to decide if you want her in your life. Personally the few people that knew what my H was doing, I will never trust them again. And you think you missed signs, I bet you if you really think about it, little things that were explained away may make sense now. It took me several months to realize that I did have some signs in front of me.

Barcbb50, welcome and I too am sorry to hear about your marriage. 30+ years is a long time to support, and love someone. Do not feel stupid because you did not know. This is not your fault, I too went thru that for a while. I felt like everybody could see it, why couldn't I. And you know if my H had not come and told me himself or someone had told me years before, I can honestly say that I may not have believed it. The actions of our WH is their own doing and as much as they try to minimize it or say you didnt do this for me or that, it is their own doing. They had a choice.

Anobligation, welcome here as well. I think that there is a strong chance that OC may not belong to your H, DNA must be done. You can not obsess about the OC, I know it is hard, but it is what it is, the OC is either your H's or not. You need to focus on you. OW seems to be playing games and honestly I dont think you will ever get any truth out of her, so please don't put yourself thru it.

SandV, your feelings do matter. While I have not personally gone thru fertility issues, my brother and SIL have and I can understand how stressful it can be. What is your H doing about this situation? Has he gone NC with OW? I would like to recommend a few things to everyone, please check out the healing library, I found it very comforting to me in my early days of finding out. Also on pg. 9 of this thread, there are some suggestions to protect yourself and family legally in this situation.

If you would like to PM me, I invite all of you to. I hope that I got everybody. You are not alone, I will be thinking about you all.

[This message edited by BMC0415 at 10:05 PM, January 11th (Sunday)]


Me: 40+ Him: 40+
Married: 20+ years
D-Day: 3/7/07
Children: 24dd,23ds,21dd
10 yr. LTA 3OC w/OW 10,10,14 8/14/12-gave custody of twins to ex 8/16/12-DIVORCED!

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