This is a good alternative and in just a few days has helped me to feel empowered and not alone.
Tonight I will pray that you all feel the support you need and will be granted the strength to get through this.
Well February is slowly approaching and so is the time when OW said she and her H were going to file for the adoption. I am so scared to get my hopes up again. So many times over the past 11 1/2 years she has gotten my hopes up that this would be over in one way or another, I mean even this time she first brought this up back in August and it still hasn't happened! I try to be optimistic but I feel the pessimist in me taking over. Is she just toying with me, does it give her pleasure to raise my hopes and then smash them again? Sorry, just having a bit of a self pity party today.
Today...well, my H said he is going to his councelor on Wed and is planning to finally delve into the issues surrounding our situation. So far, he has only been to a handful of sessions and have only talked about his past (he was abused for the first 7 yrs of his life) and how the strss of his situation is effecting his job (i wish he could quit...OW works for the same company--different location though).
I hope things go well--for our sake, but I have a feeling his counselor will tell him there is no hope for us and he'll just take that and run--the easy way out. As much as I hate what he did...I still love him as a person. I can see the pain/fear in his eyes and I am sad that I hardly recognize the person I married. I just miss him and want him to come home and work this out with me. I am trying to be as understanding as possible without letting myself be walked all over. Ugh...we will see. I just feel like we don't have much time. OC is due in May. I really need him to figure out whether he is committed to trying to reconcile or let me go before that happens. I haven't been able to have children and it would rip my heart out to get attached and then have H want a divorce. Ugh...there are so many thoughts and feelings...and I have a sneaky suspicion this only the VERY beginning....
Thanks for the encouraging words
I'm glad to hear your H is in counseling and willing to address the issues that you and he had. I wouldn't worry too much about the counselor telling your H there is no hope, if he is a good counselor he will help your H build hope
R can be a rough road and with the OC issue(please, please make your have DNA test!!)it makes it all the more difficult. But in the end if you BOTH really want it to work and make an effort and put acceptable boundries in place it CAN work and is so worth it
[This message edited by auntcis at 6:25 AM, January 13th (Tuesday)]
XWH died Dec. 2010
It seems to me that you have a good heart. And the only reason that I took in the OW kids is because of the same thing. She was not a good parent as well. These kids are innocent and deserve what any other kids deserve.
Once I took the OC in my home, the contact with the OW came thru me. If I can get her parental rights terminated, I am trying than I will try to adopt them. There is another member that did adopt the OC 2 of them but I have not seen her on the boards lately.
The thing that you have to ask yourself is can you separate your feelings that you feel towards OW from the OC? IF you can then you have a strong possibly of being able to handle this. If you can't, there is nothing wrong with that. The thing to remember is, your H may wind up with OC anyway because the courts would like to have them with a relative rather than foster care.
It is a very difficult choice and it takes a lot of thought. I kinda of was forced into it when CPS took the OC out of OW custody. This may happen with your situation too if the OW does not stop her behavior. Feel free to PM me if you like.
AuntCis, I know you are getting nervous as the time draws near, and I hope that she does have the adoption go thru, but if it doesn't happen, as I said before you are no better off then you are now. I am praying that she just gets the hell out of your life.
qtpie, be patience because this is going to be a tough road with alot of ups and downs. I hope that counseling with help you both and that you can try to R. Main thing, is you both have to want it and the OW has to be put on the outside of the "maritial wall". R with OC can be done, but it is a lot of hard work. And please insist on the DNA, you must know what you are dealing with. If you know from the beginning, it is half the battle.
[This message edited by BMC0415 at 9:16 AM, January 14th (Wednesday)]
FWH and I are at odds because he is on fence about attending OC's birth.... and the week before she's due I'm supposed to go to Cali to meet some friends... *sigh* it's just such a mess.....
I really don't think my H and I have a snowball's chance in H_LL to get through this. All the odds are stacked against us.
Today my H went to his counselor and finally discussed the delimma he has between trying to R with me and have limited/no contact with OW or to just divorce since our marriage was already on the rocks.
The turn out is not too promising. Let's just say my H and I are compatible in every way except physically. When we were married, I was 215 lbs and he was 200--we're both short and stout people--but over the past 5 yrs he lost weight on the Atkins diet and is down to 170 while I have gained and am currently at 225. Needless to say, that's quite a weight difference! I've been heavy all my life and am struggling with PCOS, so it's extremely difficult to lose weight and it comes along with a mass of infertility problems. WELL--along with these physical differences, our sex life has been pretty much non-existant for years and when something does happen it's extremely awkward and not very enjoyable for either of us. Over the years this has been a huge strain on our marriage--he feels the pressure to give affection when he doesn't have intimate feelings towards me and I feel constantly rejected which has resulted in major self-esteem/depression for me. We both know this is the MASSIVE ELEPHANT in the room when it comes to the root of our marital problems, but we don't know what to do to fix it.
So, today my H told me that his councelor pretty much laid it out that there is no way our marriage can survive without intimacy. (I agree) She told him if he doesn't naturally have feelings for me, then it's not right to proceed in this situation with the hopes that those feelings might come later on down the line...just to find out that it's not going to work, ultimately delaying the divorce process.
I guess I'm just so confused. We talked right afterwards and he pretty much said he isn't attracted to me, but he wants to be. He said he has no hope for our marriage, but doesn't feel he got to really talk through much in his 45 min session. Later that afternoon, he asked if I wanted to come over tonight to play games...so I did, thinking we might have a more detailed discussion. But he said nothing. When I started to bring it up, he said he was tired and should be getting to bed.
What do I do?? I miss my H and I love him! But it hurts to know he doesn't want to be with me physically. I feel like I caused him to cheat and I am the reason for this whole mess. I feel guilty that my problems are manifested physically, while his are mental and can be hidden. I feel like I should just go and save myself the pain. If he doesn't want to be with my physically, then I will always be wondering if he is cheating on me. Half of me wants to stay....half of me wants to move on and let him have his baggage to sort out by himself. Ugh...just UGHHHH!
Thanks for letting me vent!
You are in my thoughts. My H told the OW he would be at the hospital when OC is born (he wants to be there...this is is first child). I wonder where I will be and what I will be doing on that day --if we decide to reconcile and are still together (due date is in May).
It might be a good thing you are going out of town and will be with friends during that time---it might take your mind off of it and you can take comfort in the company of your friends. :) That always helps me. Actually, I think you're on to something...I may just have to book that cruise I've always wanted to go on!! prayers and hugs to you!! Hope things get better
I am just posting an update so that anyone in a similar situation can see how ours turned out.
In Dec '07 my H found out about an OC from a ONS 17 years ago. He had not spoken with the mother since the ONS and had no idea a pregnancy or child had resulted, so this came as quite a shock. BTW - this has nothing to do with me - we have only been together since 2004.
He underwent court ordered DNA testing and the OC is his. The proceedings were started because the mother had sought assistance at some point in her state and the state was trying to recoup. We hired a lawyer and have been doing everything by the books. A few months ago H got the interrogatories asking for his income/assets/debts etc. and our lawyer sent her state (we live in a different state) interrogatories asking for her financial information too. Our lawyer has not received her answers.
H went to the hearing today and the Judge said since the mother did not provide the requested information about her income that he could only base what H would owe on his income etc. That would be approx. $900 a month, plus support back to the time the proceedings began, so approx. $1100 a month for the next two years (the OC is 16). The Judge however did not think this was necessarily fair so he ordered that my H pay back whatever assistance she received from her state, which is only $2200 (she must have just needed it for a short time) and he closed the case.
This means my H has to write a check for $2200 and then wait and see if the mother will try to reinstate the case. Our lawyer thinks that now that the state has been reimbursed they won't have a "dog in the fight" and unless the mother takes the initative to ask for ongoing support then we might not hear anything from her again.
So H went to court today prepared to meet his monthly financial obligations until the child turned 18 and instead he was ordered to pay just $2200. We are going to put aside some money in case she does get the case reinstated, but for now we are done.
Who knows, the mother may have never intended to contact my H about the OC and he only found out because she had to seek state assistance at some point and they wanted to recoup. If that's the case then maybe she is doing okay now and will let this drop. She had sent a note via the lawyer earlier on to apologize to H and to say that the OC was a good boy who might one day like to get to know H if that was possible. H did not respond to this and intends to remain NC. I know that is a tough position to take, but we feel it is best for various reasons.
So I guess we'll wait and see.
In any event, just thought I'd post since this might be helpful info for someone in a similar situation.
Hugs to all who are hurting. Wishing you better times.
Auntics-- yes February is just right around the corner, getting very anxious about finally getting my face to face and find out what CS will be and how custody & visitation will work out...
For the new ones on here I can understand your position very well, I have been married for 23 yrs with no children of ours, tried everything possible to have children outside of fertility were to expensive when I wanted kids now felt that I was over wanting children of my own, when I married FWH he had a son was 3 at the time, I raised him as my own for most of his middle school life, then 5 yrs ago found out that FWH had a daughter he knew nothing about which happened before we were married, Now we have 5 grandchildren which I adore very much..
Now on th OW she took fertility pills to try to get my FWH to leave me for her, so now she has had twin boys, DNA has not come back yet, but I believe they are his, but still holding on that slight possibility they arent. But I was the one that inforced the DNA, I never wanted to have that slight chance they were not his. I wanted closure for myself on that.
I recently found out that FWH was having contact with OW during the pregnancy and sneaking and seeing her more than he led me to believe, I allowed him to go see the twins in the hospital for the first time, but to my surprise he went alot more than that. Then in the mornings before work he would stop at her apartment to see the children, and the whole time keeping it a secret from me, so that gave OW amunition to get at me, I tried to explain all this would happen if he was to see the boys alone in her apartment, that is why I insited on NC alone with her.. So needless to say it did put us way back to square one and probably a little further than that, cause of the continued secrets & lies about seeing the boys..
FWH has a problem with all of this because he does not know how to seperate her from the boys, she will not let him have alone time, and will not let me near them, and has been persistant about it, so all I can do is wait for a judge to tell her she has no choice in that matter.. She should have thought about that before getting pregnant by a married man
But for you finding yourself new to this situation please take my advise, and make sure he understand the importance of why you have these boundaries and request specific things from them, its not at all wanting to making demands and control, but to perserve the relationship in its weakest stage..
I only wish that I could have been more forceful and stood my ground, when I had made a request and suggestion, but he always new the right things to say to get me to feel sorry for him, or convience me it was not what it appeared to me, or whatever.. I was just stupid on my part for not being more assertive in what I would tolerate..
Sorry for such a long post but needed to try to explain as much as possible, and yes it hurts like hell that OW can give your H a child when you are unable to, especially sence she new this about me, and new this was one thing she could give my H that I couldn't, to bad that is not what he wanted at this time in our lives.. we were looking forward to our alone time now, and living for us, not kids anymore I believe that the OW that intentionally get pregnant by the married man, somehow think that they have the man and this way is keeping them, which they will if they choose to have contact, they will always have the man in their lives, not exactly the way I would want a man in my life, but for them some are so desperate to have that guy they cant let go.. And ours saw $$$$ so she has made my H a career choice for her, she is 36 with 2 boys already 8 & 11,and is a nail tech. Just recently got evicted from her apartment and was staying with dad & stepmom and step mom kicked them all out right before xmas, not sure whats happening now, don't care till court says we have control over those boys as well. So my Karma is watching her suffer with 4 boys that she wanted soooo bad, and not being able to live life like it was intended to be done
Oh update about me well, not much just waiting for court but have decided to go sit in on a couple of CS hearings so that I will be able to explain to my FWH how that all will go, so we can be better prepared when that date comes, and started on depressants yesterday Welbutrin XL, so that I will be calm enough to meet the OW for the first time in court, and anything she might try to throw at me or him in there that I wont be such an emotional basket case..
Hope everyone is doing well, and if any of you want to PM me feel free to do so.. I check this sight everyday except sundays, but only post once in awhile..
Your story is truly incredible. You have been through so much, yet you seem so strong and offer such great advice for those of us who were just recently "hit" with this situation.
I my situation is not the same, but there are similar undertones. I haven't been able to have kids (after 5yrs) and rumor has it that OW got pregnant on purpose when my H told her he was thinking about getting back together with me--according to her best friend. She is 8 yrs younger than me(only 21 yrs old) and is probably seeing this as her way out of her white trash world. My H is her manager and we are definitely of different classes, so I'm sure she saw the $$$$ opportunity as well. It makes me sick to know that there are women out there who are that desperate and that selfish to rip someone else's world apart. I just can't even imagine ever doing something like that... anyway, if you ever want to chat I'm here for ya :) Happy days will come someday!
His other women was not even in school when my H child was first born, Nice to know that she used to way like 260 and lost 100 pds. so she has loose skin around her arms,,but found out that 2 mays ago I went and my breast lifted (no implants) just wanted to play with them up fron , not under my armpit... LOL Well while I was recuperating I heard she went and had a leg lift , nasty, and I'm all tone and fit, and petite 5 ft 112 pds, with a budunkadunk to go along with that, so If the so help me god do one more secret, lie, disrespect me in any way, and not put me in the front of his mind soon. He will that booty to kiss it for the last time, NO MORE GAMES HERE...LIFE IS TO SHOT FOR ALL THIS CONTINUE CRAP, that we never wanted.
Well hope all have a great evening be seeing some of ya tomorrow,
PS: Life is 10% what happens to us, the other 90% is how we react to it... Just thought that is so true, if you really look at your past, it worked out even after getting all worked up... God Bless you all GOOD night ( I hope)
I checked to see if she had put anything about the adoption on her page since there has been no news from her. Well she hadn't put anything about the adoption on there but she had posted some new pictures and the curiosity got the better of me and I looked. Well I am very pleased to say SHE LOOKS LIKE SHIT!!!!! She must have put on 60lbs since we last saw her, her skin looks a mess, she is doing a poor job of trying to cover it with too much makeup, she has crows feet from hell, big dark bags under her eyes.....I could go on and on! She is a year younger than me, but looks like she is 10 years older than me!! Totally made my day
The past few days have been uneventful and I'm slowly getting to the point of not dwelling on my situation. However, today H lets me know he's working on the holiday and my internal alarms are sounding off. I don't trust him or what he says. My bud tells me to save my sanity by going by his job to make sure the car is there. I just can't. Been there, done that and it only leads to more frustration. If it's there does that mean he is. If it's not...I don't want to know or care. I don't want to continue being affected by what he is or is not doing. Where do I go if I leave. I have one parent left who is supporting a sister and her brood in a too small place. I have worked hard for what I have and it galls me to not be able to live in peace.. Sorry, I am rambling and ranting - it's just so fucking unfair...
So, everyone, wish me luck. She may not only lose her job if she is found to be accessing my records, but also her dreams of attending nursing school and even her CNA license. I hope this will be the kick in the ass she needs to make her LEAVE MY FAMILY ALONE!