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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: OC support thread BS Only
lonely&depressed
♀ Member
Member # 19779
Default  Posted: 12:09 PM, January 20th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had hopes to start the New Year off with a good start. NO LUCK! Listen to this from the time I found out about OC my H and I agreed that we will the COM when she was older. Given the situation we decided that OC and COM would not have contact until thay become much older. COM remembers OC becuase H took her over to OW house to meet the NEW BABY a few weeks after she was born. Every once in a while COM will ask about OW. MY H all of the sudden decides has morals and doesn't want to lie to COM about OC. He says that COM recently she asked him about OC and he's not going to lie to her. My argument is this, Why tell her she has sister if she's not going to be allowed to go see OC and OC isn't coming over to our house. To me its like giving her a toy put telling her she can't play with it or touch it. WTF! Once again he cannot stand by his word. This is a man that did did nothing but lie to me for years, but now he's above delaying telling COM about OC if she Asks. I think it's all B******. I think he has been reminding her of OC. I have begun telling my family and they all hate him now. He also tells COM not to talk to me about OC because I will get upset. WTF! I have an appt to see a bankruptcy lawyer. I need to make some decisions about my financial future. This isn't going to work. His word means nothing. How can I consider him a man. He just makes promises to break them.

[This message edited by lonely&depressed at 12:12 PM, January 20th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 157 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: New York
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 12:27 PM, January 20th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((l&d))))

I'm sorry your H hasn't been able to keep his word Do you think he is thinking that if he gets COM to want to see OC that you will eventually give in to seeing OC?

Our 2 older COM do know about OC cause they had heard her name mentioned and started asking who she was, our youngest hasn't asked who ****** is yet, I'm bracing myself for the day he askes. I'm also a little suprised the older 2 haven't told him about her yet. My COM have never shown an interest in contacting the OC at all, maybe living 2500 miles away makes a difference. My H has never told our COM not to talk to me about OC. In fact it's the other way around, COM talk to me if they have any questions about OC, cause talking about her upsets my H


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
lonely&depressed
♀ Member
Member # 19779
Default  Posted: 1:05 PM, January 20th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No, I want nothing to do with her PERIOD. I'm about ready to call it quits. He's too immature to handle this. I 've been good to him and I deserve better than him. I'm starting to feel like I'm to good for him.

Posts: 157 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: New York
lynne01
♀ Member
Member # 21856
Default  Posted: 3:02 PM, January 20th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well I have not post in a while. Going thru a lot of drama! H still will not follow the contact only with me rule. H say it's for my safety! Oh well he already one foot out the dooor!

What is child abuse? How do you prove a child being negelected? H came home Saturday with OC because OW stuff was being set out because she was evicted and chose to stay until the last day! She is offically homeless! H came in with OC I instanly gave him a bath because he smelled like piss and throw up! Looked into bag to get clean clothes all the clothes were dirty! Plus she had dirty pampers in the bag with his bottles uncovered. Boiled the bottles and washed the clothes. H called to ask her what type of water do she mix his formula with she said Natural Spring water with energy. OC is only two months old. Trying to let my H handle his own mess but I am really concern about Oc wellbeing. H refused to address these issues with OW because he fears she will leave town. OW only concern to me is getting my H. She acts like she has no care in the world still texting h all day not concern where her and her 5 kids going to sleep.



I am taking my life back!

Posts: 95 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: twilight zone
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 4:04 PM, January 20th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

lonely&depressed, I wasn't trying to suggest that you should have contact with OC(we don't) I was just putting it out there that, that may be the motive behind your H telling COM about OC.

lynne, I would report the fact the OW is now homeless and the condition OC was brought to you in to someone. JMHO. I mean I don't want OC in my life but if she were being mistreated I don't think I would be able to ignore it. You are a good person to take care of that baby like you did


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
lynne01
♀ Member
Member # 21856
Default  Posted: 8:43 PM, January 20th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

auntcis you are correct we should report it. Just found out that a relative did report it but since they have no physcial address no way of finding her. H tried to call her today but cell phone is disconnected. I really have to think if I want to raise another child. My youngest is 10 years old and we are always on the move. but if oc get taken I will welcome him into my home and love him. I don't think he did anything wrong but be born to the stupitest parents in the world!


I am taking my life back!

Posts: 95 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: twilight zone
BMC0415
♀ Member
Member # 14038
Default  Posted: 9:00 PM, January 20th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

lynne,

I would contact CPS, where is she staying? Please keep in mind once you do this there is no going back. Your H may be mad if you report this. If you give specific information they will know it was you. Her being homeless is really not a good situation, I would mention the amount of kids she has. Your H could get an emergency temp. custody hearing without going the CPS route, that to would be no turning back.

The courts like to give child to relatives not foster care, if there is a available parent. Maybe take baby to Dr. if you do not go CPS route, CPS will take baby to hospital if you suggest the baby is being mistreated or malnurished.

I can not tell you what to do, but there is an innocent child involved here. it may come down to your h having OC alone or with you, that is going to be your choice. I will be praying for you, it is a tough situation.

L&D, things are never going to change unless you change them because your H obviously just doesnt get it. I am so sorry that he can not keep his word where OC is concerned. You really need to look at this because if he really wanted to keep his family, he would be a united front with you working on the same page. I think it is possible that he is reminding them that there is an OC so that they ask about her. Putting your kids in the middle of this by telling them not to talk to to you about OC just is dead wrong


Me: 40+ Him: 40+
Married: 20+ years
D-Day: 3/7/07
Children: 24dd,23ds,21dd
10 yr. LTA 3OC w/OW 10,10,14 8/14/12-gave custody of twins to ex 8/16/12-DIVORCED!

Posts: 2910 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Maryland
dust to dust
♀ Member
Member # 12583
Default  Posted: 11:56 AM, January 21st (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had a question. If anyone has an answer to this please pm me. I don't come onto this thread very much, so if you answer it here I may miss it. Here goes, h is about to start looking for a new job. When he finally gets one, obviously the state will know and will start taking the cs out of it. Thats all fine and dandy. My problem is that we are trying to ignore ow and not see oc. I don't want her to find out where she works. Can she call the state and find out that way? For instance, lets say that he gets a job at mcdonalds down the street (this is just an example) and the state finds out what mcdonald's it is, what store number, the phone number to that mcdonalds and the street address, are they legally obligated to give her that information if she asks for it? If so, is there anyway we can keep them from doing that? Besides my h saying "I don't want her to know this information." If he just tells the stated that he doesn't want her ot know the information that doesn't really do much because they could still tell her anyways. I guess what I am looking for is something like a legal binding contract from the state that says they will not give out his information unless it is ok with him. I just dont' want her showing up at his work harassing him.


dday 1- september 06, he was having a three month affair.
dday2- april 1st 2008, six months after oc was born, h finally came clean about everything.
Present day- trying to R again.

Posts: 1532 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: florida
mrsrod49
♀ New Member
Member # 22556
Default  Posted: 10:25 AM, January 22nd (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Everyone-looks like I found the right place. I too, am dealing with H's OC from an A-the A ended in Mar. 08 after 1 1/2 yrs and the OW became pregnant at the end-I believe on purpose because she knew the A was ending and he was coming back to his family. He had NC with the OW throughout the pregnancy but baby was born just this month (Jan 11) and he has gone to see him at least 5 x-she named him after my H even though we are also pregnant with our first son-some piece of work she is! Anyway, DNA test is being conducted next week but I am struggling with him going over there because of obvious trust issues-even though he tells me he doesn't want her, they will share a bond if this kid is his. I have told him that I would rather we have the child 2X a week at our home and deal with this business like but he doesn't want our 13 yr old daughter to know and scoffed at all of my ideas. I'm so stressed out and we have been fighting constantly about this-he won't or can't see my side of this. We have been together for a long time-7 yrs married-18 years total together since we were kids so I don't want to throw it all away but not sure how much more I can take! Any advice or help is greatly appreciated.

Posts: 6 | Registered: Jan 2009
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 11:54 AM, January 22nd (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((mrsrod))))

Sorry you are here, but glad that you found us

You are taking the right path by having DNA testing done, that is very important.

It's not a far stretch to think OW got pregnant on purpose, OW in our situation did. It's laughable how many OW think they are going to get happily ever after with another womans H just cause of a OC

Your H needs to realize that if he is going to be a part of the OC's life, then your COM is going to find out sooner or later and she will resent being kept in the dark about it. He has to be a man and face ALL the consequences for his actions, and if that means your COM thinking a little less of him for a while then that is just what he has to deal with KWIM.

You are not wrong for wanting to try and stick it out. But your H has to be on the same page as you and you need to agree on boundries or it won't work. He has to be considerate of your feeling's, up front with you about everything and not go against what the 2 of you agree on TOGETHER or R is an impossible task.

Keep posting here, it really helps. These are a great bunch of ladies and they have given me some great advice Good luck

[This message edited by auntcis at 11:55 AM, January 22nd (Thursday)]


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
want2bok
♀ Member
Member # 19913
Default  Posted: 11:56 AM, January 22nd (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

mrsrod - I am sorry you are dealing with this. I can understand waiting to tell your daughter until after you are certain that the baby is his, but if he is your H's and he plans to have C your daughter needs to know. Your H can't have 2 families - if he wants C and you are ok with that, it needs to be at your house.

After you get the results of the DNA, I think you need to give him the rules you are willing to live with and he needs to decide if he is willing to abide by them. If not, I'm sorry, but I don't think it will work.


BS - me 32
WS - him 32
3 beautiful girls - 11, 9, 7 and angel baby 7/9/10
D-Day 1/07 - 1+ yr PA
OW 35
OC born 12/06
R since 2/07 and going well

Posts: 135 | Registered: Jun 2008
beajus
♀ Member
Member # 21386
Default  Posted: 7:47 AM, January 23rd (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just wanted to send hugs to everyone and I'm thinking about you all :)


me BS 29 him WH 30
Together for 10 yrs
5 little boys 8,7,7,4,2
Dday 7-09-08
OC born 3-30-09
R- 8-1-08
Have OC 75% or more of the time
H works with OW
S. 7-30-09 NOT A related.
12-09 OW absconded with OC
1-2010 we filed for custody

Posts: 1396 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: NE iowa
lonely&depressed
♀ Member
Member # 19779
Default  Posted: 10:48 AM, January 23rd (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I PACKED ME AND MY COM STUFF AND BURNED UP RUBBER YESTERDAY! I don't need the b******. I told him I'm tired of listening to you complain, Now you can be the father you want to be to OC without me being the way. H didn't believe me. I he got home we were gotta there. H sent me Twenty text messages and wanted to talk , talk talk on the phone. H asked for us to scome back. I said NO!
I'm done don't playing games. Now he will take me seriously.

Posts: 157 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: New York
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 11:19 AM, January 23rd (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((lonely&depressed))))

I'm sorry his actions have brought you to the breaking point But I am so proud of you for standing up for yourself and your COM and making him see you are done playing his games.


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
lonely&depressed
♀ Member
Member # 19779
Default  Posted: 1:08 PM, January 23rd (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Actually,............he's annoying me with the texts. How he can afford the rent. LOL. H should have thought of that before H started cheating. Now he's begging What a shame. I moved in with a relative.
I don't care that my name is on the lease. So what. He broke our marriage contract so don;t give a crap about a rental lease. Boo Hoo!

Posts: 157 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: New York
BMC0415
♀ Member
Member # 14038
Default  Posted: 3:57 PM, January 23rd (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

L&D, I am so sorry that it came to this point, but I am proud of you for having the strength to make a move, because as I said before nothing will change unless you change it because he just doesn't get it. This does not have to be the end, I separated from my H for 3 weeks and we got back together, but he needs a jolt and you need some peace.

I will be thinking about you and your COM.


Me: 40+ Him: 40+
Married: 20+ years
D-Day: 3/7/07
Children: 24dd,23ds,21dd
10 yr. LTA 3OC w/OW 10,10,14 8/14/12-gave custody of twins to ex 8/16/12-DIVORCED!

Posts: 2910 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Maryland
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 7:29 PM, January 24th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well we filed our tax returns today. Now it is just the waiting game until Monday night to see if OW screwed us by claiming OC again


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
want2bok
♀ Member
Member # 19913
Default  Posted: 12:10 PM, January 25th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Auntcis - I know you said that you already filed but, there is a tax form (Form 8832)that you can/should request from the OW. It releases the exemption to you and allows your H to claim the OC. If she won't provide it, at least you would know now and can be prepared.


BS - me 32
WS - him 32
3 beautiful girls - 11, 9, 7 and angel baby 7/9/10
D-Day 1/07 - 1+ yr PA
OW 35
OC born 12/06
R since 2/07 and going well

Posts: 135 | Registered: Jun 2008
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 2:37 PM, January 25th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Want2bok, we don't need her to release the exemption, we already have a court order that my H gets to claim OC every year on our return. But that hasn't stopped her from claiming OC "accidentally" in years past. It then ends up being a big hassle with having to call her and tell her she needs to ammend her taxes so we can refile ours and claim OC

I wish they would just hurry up and finish the adoption already. I told my H we should file for him to give up his rights and not wait on OW, since we have documentation that there is another man wanting to adopt her. But my H says no cause he feels if the adoption is something OW wants she should have to pay court fees to get H rights taken away, which he is willing to give up anyway. I'm just so sick of my life revolving around this shit

[This message edited by auntcis at 2:37 PM, January 25th (Sunday)]


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
want2bok
♀ Member
Member # 19913
Default  Posted: 6:40 PM, January 25th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Auntcis - I am a tax preparer and we suggest that our clients have this so there is no question about it. I thought I read somewhere (but I can't find it now) that the IRS was no longer accepting any documentation other that this form if both parents claim her. I bet you will be so glad when it isn't an issue anymore! Hopefully things get moving with the adoption next month!

We allowed OW to claim OC every year in exchange for $100/mo reduction on CS. I have seen how the confusion of who claims the kids can be a HUGE pain!


BS - me 32
WS - him 32
3 beautiful girls - 11, 9, 7 and angel baby 7/9/10
D-Day 1/07 - 1+ yr PA
OW 35
OC born 12/06
R since 2/07 and going well

Posts: 135 | Registered: Jun 2008
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