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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: OC support thread BS Only
lynne01
♀ Member
Member # 21856
Default  Posted: 12:33 PM, February 5th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do anyone know about court appointed mediators? We have to go and speak with mediator tomorrow about setting up visitation. Attorney said we would have to do this until the courts can decided on custody of OC. Attorney said with the mediator we are not to have any contact with OW at all. Ow is barred from calling or texting H at this point.


I am taking my life back!

Posts: 95 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: twilight zone
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 12:40 PM, February 5th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We never had to deal with a mediator, I just wanted to wish you luck with that


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
BMC0415
♀ Member
Member # 14038
Default  Posted: 1:18 PM, February 5th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No mediator herer either, but I do see a positive in your statement, NC with OW.

I think this will help you a little with this very difficult situation if you know that she has lost some of the control and can not contact your H directly. I will be thinking of you and hoping this goes the best way that it can for your family.


Me: 40+ Him: 40+
Married: 20+ years
D-Day: 3/7/07
Children: 24dd,23ds,21dd
10 yr. LTA 3OC w/OW 10,10,14 8/14/12-gave custody of twins to ex 8/16/12-DIVORCED!

Posts: 2910 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Maryland
Want2help
♀ Member
Member # 20547
Default  Posted: 1:41 PM, February 5th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just got up and checked the mail and H got a letter from the CS agency... a "Courtesy Notice" that they will be suspending his license due to the fact that he is now $2500 in arrears over OC! Well, we JUST FOUND OUT OC WAS HIS!!! He hasn't even had a chance to pay any, and he just started his new job a few weeks ago. If the state suspends his license he will be fired. He is in training to get his CDL.

I cannot believe the state can be so stupid. They did not order him to pay until the paternity was confirmed, now they have him on record as having racked up $2500+ in back CS, and they are going of his old income at his former job where he made 33% more an hour.

And all of this because he couldn't just use an effing condom

Has anyone else had to deal with anything like this while going through paternity testing? Can't we dispute the amount?


BS- me.
FWS- him.
DDay 6/07 (immediately separated)
RDay 8/07
Surprise OC born 3/08 (NC)
6 years into successful R.
"That which can be destroyed by truth should be." -P. C. Hodgell

Posts: 1954 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: PNW
lynne01
♀ Member
Member # 21856
Default  Posted: 1:51 PM, February 5th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NC is the best choice in our situration! R going a lot better without so much drama!


I am taking my life back!

Posts: 95 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: twilight zone
BMC0415
♀ Member
Member # 14038
Default  Posted: 1:54 PM, February 5th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Want,

My suggestion, he get down to the office that handles this and get it straightened out immediately. If he gets his license suspended behind this it is a mess to get straightened out. Do they give him a deadline to resolved the situation or talk to someone?

Do you have a copy of the paternity test to show the date on it? I am so sorry, this just nevers ends!


Me: 40+ Him: 40+
Married: 20+ years
D-Day: 3/7/07
Children: 24dd,23ds,21dd
10 yr. LTA 3OC w/OW 10,10,14 8/14/12-gave custody of twins to ex 8/16/12-DIVORCED!

Posts: 2910 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Maryland
Want2help
♀ Member
Member # 20547
Default  Posted: 1:59 PM, February 5th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, we just got it back recently... what doesn't make sense is that is was the CS office that ordered the paternity test! (OW had to fill out a questionaire type of thing asking questions like "Were you and the alleged father married"" and "Was the alleged father present at birth" and she of course had to answer "No" to all of the questions, so the CS office themselves ordered the DNA test).

What makes this even harder is H is working in a different part of the state, staying out of town, and has class for the next couple of weekends, and he just got an email yesterday letting him know that if he misses one class he will "no longer be employed with the company" (it's an apprenticeship).

They gave no date at which time his license would be suspended. Just a "Courtesy Notice". I just want to


BS- me.
FWS- him.
DDay 6/07 (immediately separated)
RDay 8/07
Surprise OC born 3/08 (NC)
6 years into successful R.
"That which can be destroyed by truth should be." -P. C. Hodgell

Posts: 1954 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: PNW
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 2:06 PM, February 5th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((((((Want2help))))))))))

I'm so sorry hon!

We got screwed like that too. OW didn't tell H that she was pregnant so we didn't even find out about OC until she was 4 months old and OW applied for welfare! We got slammed with having to reimburse the state for OC birth cause OW was on state aid and she had a c-section, we had to repay the DNA testing since OC was proven to be my H and OC was born 4/1997 and we didn't get done with the court proceedings until 1/1998 so he was 9 months in arrears in CS right off the bat! We ended up owing almost $10,000! My H fought to have the amount reduced since he didn't even know that OW was pregnant and the courts didn't want to hear it, they just wanted the money . H ended up paying an extra $100 a month on top of his normal CS and they took our tax returns each year until the amount was paid up H ended up having to drive without a drivers license for a year, thank God he never got caught.

I would try calling someone to have your H CS reduced because his income has changed, but unfortunatly anything that is in arrears will be in the amount they set for his old income most likely


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
Want2help
♀ Member
Member # 20547
Default  Posted: 2:17 PM, February 5th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That is so rediculous! How they could decide someone other than the person who gave birth is responsible is crazy! I asked a legal aid lawyer in our state about that and she said no, it doesn't happen usually, even though OW was on welfare.

H simply cannot lose his license. He will be unemployed, and then he will really be racking up the CS! He called a few weeks ago when he was home to have his income changed on the support amount, and his case worker's secretary told him "Sir, we don't modify the order just because you want to! It doesn't work like that..." I told him not to speak with her, to leave his caseworker a VM, and he did, several, and the caseworker still hasn't called back!

I guess we will just have to do a sit in, but he won't even be home for a couple weeks...

For those of you who are NC, and have an older OC, does it get better, or does it keep on like this? I honestly feel like I have "shell shock". My nervous system cannot handle anymore adrenaline. I am big and pregnant and home alone and dealing with the fact that I am unemployed, the support amount is so high that once H gets his paycheck and they start garnishing his wages we will not even have enough $$$ for our rent and utilities unless the CS agency pulls their head out and changes the support amount (and we live in one of the cheapest, smallest places possible), H is not getting any of the overtime or prevailing wage jobs he was promised when he started this job, and OW started a job at the only hospital in town (where I will be giving birth) and I am now having to have her investigated for getting into my medical records.

Is there any end...


BS- me.
FWS- him.
DDay 6/07 (immediately separated)
RDay 8/07
Surprise OC born 3/08 (NC)
6 years into successful R.
"That which can be destroyed by truth should be." -P. C. Hodgell

Posts: 1954 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: PNW
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 3:06 PM, February 5th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was pregnant with my 1st son when this whole paternity mess started It was rough.

It does get better. You kind of get in a groove where the CS comes right out of H check so you start to not even think about the money cause you get used to it not being there. It has been rough for us lately with the whole adoption issue, but we usually go for long periods of time and not hear anything at all. I don't want to say you get used to the situation, but that kind of is what happens, you almost become numb to it. It is a little easier to push out of your mind when you are NC, but it doesn't go away totally. I would say for me, even after the adoption is over(if it ever does get done)it will still be there for me cause I will still always know OC exsists. But it will definately be easier day to day.


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
Want2help
♀ Member
Member # 20547
Default  Posted: 3:47 PM, February 5th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think the really insulting/injurous part is that H & I have been together for 8 years, and he has 3 daughters from a previous marriage (all born pretty much before he hit 21). We have literally been counting down the years until CS stops and we are able to afford a normal lifestyle for our "income". (Exwife has always worked under the table, and therefore claims she is "unemployed", and therefore H has paid a TON of CS to her).

The stepDs will be 21, 19, and 16 this summer.

And now we are starting all over again.


BS- me.
FWS- him.
DDay 6/07 (immediately separated)
RDay 8/07
Surprise OC born 3/08 (NC)
6 years into successful R.
"That which can be destroyed by truth should be." -P. C. Hodgell

Posts: 1954 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: PNW
LiveLuvLaph
♀ Member
Member # 15536
Default  Posted: 4:41 PM, February 5th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do anyone know about court appointed mediators?

Mediation gives both parents the opportunity to solve custodial/visitation issues without using a judge (whose docket is usually full up to their eyeballs).

If the parties involved cannot reach an agreement, then it's called an "impasse" and the case then gets scheduled before a very unhappy judge.

But with mediation, the parties involved should have completed the parenting class corresponding to the child's age, understand the court's expectations of parents, and be willing to negotiate within the court's recommended guidelines for visitation and custody for that child's age group.


BW(me)now 44
DDay 9-11-02 DDay 2: 5-16-2012
"BS's spend way too many years fixing problems that only existed in the cheating mind of their WS."
Wincing_at_light
"Sometimes the breakups hurt far less than the relationship."
Aesir

Posts: 3303 | Registered: Jul 2007
LiveLuvLaph
♀ Member
Member # 15536
Default  Posted: 4:42 PM, February 5th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

[This message edited by LiveLuvLaph at 4:58 PM, February 5th (Thursday)]


BW(me)now 44
DDay 9-11-02 DDay 2: 5-16-2012
"BS's spend way too many years fixing problems that only existed in the cheating mind of their WS."
Wincing_at_light
"Sometimes the breakups hurt far less than the relationship."
Aesir

Posts: 3303 | Registered: Jul 2007
LiveLuvLaph
♀ Member
Member # 15536
Default  Posted: 4:42 PM, February 5th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

sorry, multiple posts

[This message edited by LiveLuvLaph at 4:49 PM, February 5th (Thursday)]


BW(me)now 44
DDay 9-11-02 DDay 2: 5-16-2012
"BS's spend way too many years fixing problems that only existed in the cheating mind of their WS."
Wincing_at_light
"Sometimes the breakups hurt far less than the relationship."
Aesir

Posts: 3303 | Registered: Jul 2007
dreamer1
♀ Member
Member # 13716
Default  Posted: 5:34 PM, February 5th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Im so sorry for what you guys must be going through, as you all no I found out the DNA proved the twins are FWH. Had a very bad day yesterday

But on the lighter side I wanted share some good news on the forum for a change..

Well with every emotion I was goin through yesterday, I must say FWH was just perfect, and the best for the first time yesterday.. He actually did everything just right, every request I have asked for in the past when I'm having a bad day, he did.. I just can't get over how perfect everything turned out last night, after every emotion I could go through was out in front of us..

So I told FWH today, that I truely believe he is back, and that I now believe we will be ok.. That I truely feel now that he will respect me, honor me, and love me like I deserve, and I promised to show him and tell him everyday how much I do Love him, and he even agrees to do the same.

I really believe that R is going to work out..

I found a web sight today about lawyers and ? you can ask.. I wrote a small statement of our situation, and they called me almost 1 hour later, they charge $100.00 to prepare you for court and $450.00 to prepare the documents for you for court.. So my FWH is going to call them to get preped for court in 14 days.. He has a hard time with me trying to tell(explain) what is best for him to do. So maybe legal advice from a professional will be better for him, plus that way he will get a stronger back bone for OW as for court. I will keep you posted on how & what he suggests to H, and how to prepare his plea, for custody & visitation, and if he can help us with CS also..


HUGGS TO ALL..
I'm having the best day I have had in a very long time, I actually can see the light at the end of the tunnel..


S(he) Be(lie)ve(d)
Me-BS 48
Him-FWH 50
Friends 34 yrs-Married 26 yrs
D-Day 1/20/2007
LTA-To Many False R to count and D-days, Last D-day June 11,2010
4 stepchildren SS 28, SD 29, Twin SS 2yrs.
Twin OC, born 6/23/2008
Trying to see if R is pos

Posts: 558 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Arizona
BMC0415
♀ Member
Member # 14038
Default  Posted: 8:47 AM, February 6th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dreamer, good luck with this. I am glad to hear that your H is being supportive.

Just take it from someone who has been thru this, be prepared that the support might change back and forth as he is dealing with the reality of the situation. It is one thing to assume these are your kids it is another to know that they are and deal with the reprecussions of his actions. So he may go up and down in his emotions. Just be ready for it and try not to take it too personally. Just have a goal that you are working towards (basically keeping OW out of your maritial wall) as Dr. Glass puts it.

Remember you can always PM me if you need to talk.

[This message edited by BMC0415 at 8:49 AM, February 6th (Friday)]


Me: 40+ Him: 40+
Married: 20+ years
D-Day: 3/7/07
Children: 24dd,23ds,21dd
10 yr. LTA 3OC w/OW 10,10,14 8/14/12-gave custody of twins to ex 8/16/12-DIVORCED!

Posts: 2910 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Maryland
lynne01
♀ Member
Member # 21856
Default  Posted: 11:12 AM, February 6th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We went to the medation today and all I say is what our attorney said the state we live in is about the mother. Everything was what will be in the best interest of OW not OC. They really didn't care about how she raise her kids or the fact she has no where to live! All they wanted to know about our asset! They ask if my H had other kids outside of the marriage? They really didn't not take in consideration COM. This ONS has cost us a lot told H hope you think about this before your eyes start wondering! H being great I am just upset that she has no accountablity or responsiblity in this situration! OW still get state aid and they going to help her get housing assistants! No one ask how we were going to pay our bills. They also pointed out if he do not pay he will lose his driving liscence. Want2help my H also drives for a living and that is scary! This meeting was basically about $. There going to more meeting and courts date so I am praying things will get better.


I am taking my life back!

Posts: 95 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: twilight zone
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 11:32 AM, February 6th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((lynne))))

Unfortunately most states are that way. They don't take into consideration the BS, or the COM. Our oldest son was born after CS was set, when we reported his birth to the state to reduce CS they gave us a whopping $14 a month off the CS amount! The state looks at it as the OC should have the same quality of life as the COM cause they have the same father

I hope thing's go better for you as you go on in the process.

[This message edited by auntcis at 11:33 AM, February 6th (Friday)]


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
lynne01
♀ Member
Member # 21856
Default  Posted: 12:29 PM, February 6th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Auntcis that is so true! It's so crazy they only looking at the OC quality of living in terms of money and not parenting skills. OW do not get child support from none of her other children father. She had 4 kids outside of OC. So the money we pay in CS will not raise OC quality of living! OW lives in a two bedroom apartment with her five kids and her friend with her 3 kids. Yes 10 people in a two bedroom now lets talk about quality of living?


I am taking my life back!

Posts: 95 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: twilight zone
beajus
♀ Member
Member # 21386
Default  Posted: 2:09 PM, February 6th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just need some hugs..

AS the due date looms closer OW is ramping things up beyond belief. FWH is being pretty supportive of me still, so that is good.

I've been in tears for 2 days.. back to no sleeping, no eating.. nothing..
shell shocked all over again as someone else said osn the previous page....
in July it will be a year.. baby is due end of march... she called DFWH (with my permission sorta) because she was having preterm labor.. that was brought on by MEEEEE telling her we have an attorney and that Iowa is a joint custody state... apparently she's just gonna give the baby to her sister or some crap and us going for custody puts a kink in her plans
then she spazzed out and said with as much anger as you have for me, i cannot trust you around my child, you;ll do something to her.. Hmm well that crazy wench is knocking a bunch of beers back every night while pregnant but she's worried what IIIIII'm gonna do?

I will never understand that brand of crazy... EVER...

I found DNA tests for $235. results back in 5 days business days. We're gonna do that for sure.

i just don't know what else to do.. sitting idle is KILLING me...


me BS 29 him WH 30
Together for 10 yrs
5 little boys 8,7,7,4,2
Dday 7-09-08
OC born 3-30-09
R- 8-1-08
Have OC 75% or more of the time
H works with OW
S. 7-30-09 NOT A related.
12-09 OW absconded with OC
1-2010 we filed for custody

Posts: 1396 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: NE iowa
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