OW since Dec? 04
D-day May 07
OC borm July 07
Now I need to figure out a way to tell OW flat out that my H will NOT give permission for the ceremony unless she figures out a way that he no longer has to pay CS before the adoption is complete, and not make it sound like blackmail
If she thinks that she is going to just move on with her new happy little life and still get money from us she has another thing coming!!
Your H's grandfather, he is ok with performing this ceremony?
Boy she is pregnant, oh happy day!
Oh yeah, and I think OW is just trying to make sure that she has her hooks dug deep into her new H, because with this new baby they will have 6 kids between the 2 of them!
****** and I have dicussed your request to sign a consent form to have OC sealed to your husband. We have agreed that, that is not something he is willing to do before the adoption is final. We feel it is a little much for you to ask for ****** to sever all spirtual ties to OC, yet expect him to continue to contribute to her financial support. We are glad that OC has formed a bond with your husband and has found someone to fill the shoes of father in her life. But we feel it is unfair that you all get to move on with your lives and with the burden of CS we can not completely move on with ours. If you can find a way to file papers with the state to obsolve ****** of is financial obligation before the adoption is complete he will consider signing the consent form then. Let us know how you want to proceed.
There may be a word or two that are slightly different in the actual email I sent her, but that was basically what it said. Any opinions?
I hope we ruined her day
Stick to your guns, I wouldn't sign nothing.
The best advice is of course NC with OW if you have contact with the child. Of course, we haven't followed that advice--in our case cuz H is afraid of OW refusing access to OC if he pushes too many of her neurotic buttons. We aren't going through the courts cuz OC is 6000 miles away so we don't have that leverage.
So you're not alone. I read some of your other posts, and I do think you're expecting too much of yourself and that your H is expecting too much of you as well. Contact involves drama which has to be dealt with--negotiations are constant and also involve drama and tears. Plus you're just starting to deal with the infidelity itself, let alone the OC. If you read enough around here, it's said that getting through the fallout of infidelity can take between 2 and 5 years, with a remorseful spouse and NC--it's different with an OC, makes it never ending in a way.
Which is why you have to set clear and firm boundaries--one of ours is no talking to OW without me there--which is tough cuz of the time zone differences, and I still will never completely trust that there aren't calls I don't know about--that trust is lost forever.
Another is pick-up and drop-off are in a public place (since OW is crazy and goes off the rails if I'm there--we tried it for a few visits and she finally couldn't take it)--never any visiting at their apartment until the day I come along!! A third party is a good idea if it's possible.
I know I've done things for which I get 2X4's aimed at me--but you have to decide what's best in your own situation. For me, it's working as well as can be expected--I'm old, we have a family we're trying to hold together after the kids find out, we have a good life day-to-day, and after 30 years our lives are so intertwined that I can't deal with thinking of separating, OC is far away. It's good enough for me.
If I were in your situation, I guess I would wonder about just leaving--but I think you could try to work out ways to deal that are ok for YOU, and if H doesn't cooperate, then you could consider getting out.
I could write a book about dealing with our situation, and it involves a lot of compromises, and heartache that never really goes away--only you can decide what you can do, can demand, can live with.
I do not think you could have written you letter more eloquently. I do not understand how she has the nerve to say she is "hurt" your husband will not sign the paper... why give up his "spiritual right" to a child he still has to support financially? She is rediculous!
Well, we had quite the blow this weekend. H got his first check from his new job with CS taken out for both OC and his daughter(s) from a previous marriage. He cried. I almost threw up. He had much less than we expected. He works his ASS OFF 10 hours a day for 4 days a week, out of town, and then goes to unpaid classes for 2 days, then gets to drive home for 1 day. For all of this, he 80 hour check was $346. And the real stinger is, that they took 50% of his check and it didn't even cover his CS, so more $ was tacked onto back CS for OC. (They can only legally take 50% of every paycheck, right off the top).
We of course are having the CS amount modified, as when OC was born, he was making around 35% more an hour than he is now (he was laid off from that job, as the company went under- we both worked there for years) and they automatically entered the "support amount" as though he was still making that amount(and their are other issues, like we found out the amount for his Ds from his previous marriage is so high because exwife is claiming stepD20 is "attending school", and she is not, and is married). However, the modification will take at least until this summer. And our baby is due in May.
So, our only option is to put our things in storage, and for me to stay with friends until this is all sorted out. I am having to find homes for both of my cats and my dog, and stay with friends in their spare bedroom, and hope we have enough $ to live on our own when the baby comes. I feel like such a burden. My friend has twin two year olds, and is trying to put her marriage back together after her H cheated and almost had an OC.
My heart is so heavy right now. I am considering filing for separation so that I will get more of a credit for child support. I am going to contact a legal aid lawyer soon. Of course we are currently in different cities, so we will be physically separated, however, from what I hear, our state is "pretty good" and should give H a credit on his CS for our child.
I hate this. I just keep thinking "a condom would have been so much cheaper, you idiot".
Hon I am so sorry this is happening to you The financial burden that this situation puts on us makes it all the more difficult to R, cause money issues cause so many arguments. And it is so hard for our H's to work so hard and see all that money disappear and then have to try and break the news of a pitiful paycheck to us on top of it This entire situation sucks, there is just no other way to put it H and I sat down one time and we figured that 18 years of CS plus what he had to repay the state for OC birth and our lawyer cost us in the ballpark of $100,000. I'm thinking a friggin condom would have been a hell of a lot cheaper
She is pulling your H's chain. I used to be a social worker for a couple of years. If their is a legal father proven for a child, the OW had no control of asking for anything. The CS would be to repay the State of any services paid for the OC (ie medical assistance, food stamps, AFDC). In fact if the state is the one that files, OW is listed as an interested party. She is trying anything. Just keep your head up.
Trouble, I am so sorry for you are going thru right now. The only thing I can say is nothing is going to change unless you change it, and for yourself because you can not control anyone else. You need to put down the boundaries and decide what you are willing to deal with. Only you know what that is. If your H thinks that he can fence sit, he will. Mine use to use that she is the mother of my children speech on me, and I told him if you wanted to have a child with her, you should have done it when you was not married to me. If you want to stay married to me, this is what I expect out of our relationship, your choice.
Want2help, man that really stinks I think this is what makes the OC situation so much more hurtful. When I think of how much money came away from my COM to take care of OC, it just pisses me off to no end. I am somewhat over it now because I can't change the past. But when I first found out how my whole paycheck was paying for everything while my H was giving OW money, I want to cut something off he might need in the future. All jokes aside I am so sorry that you life is being turned upside down and I will be thinking of you.
I just can't believe how much all us woman have to deal with, just because our husbands actually forgot were their branins were, they were just a little higher guys. LOL...
Well 2 more days and off to court for us, I'm getting very nervous now, Especially sence I just found out OW family has flown in from 3 states away, because her sister decided to get married here on friday, the day after our court appearance, so now I think that her family will be there for court, and I will be sitting there all by myself. That scares me.. ( Our state family court is an open court) So yes I, them, we are all able to go.
I think my FWH would not be happy if I brought along anybody for support, this is a family-private matter, he says.
I worked all day yesterday getting the A stuff in order, for court, just in case they try to discredit me in there, I will have my back up, of what she did, said, etc. to me, I will not use it, unless necessary, but it will be with me just in case, I know that if mother attends, she just might try to start a bash fest... The nice thing is we have a female judge, that does not tolerate any of this kind of stuff..
I kind of in a sort of wierd way hopes OW does try to use the children against me, so FWH cant see them, It would just back fire on her then.
Just worried, for me being by myself, with her might be having the support of her family, and here I am all alone in the court room, behind my FWH.
Well off to MC, this is stuff for todays session, along with a few other choice things, I need cleared up in my hear...
You won't be alone in court, we will all be there with you in spirit
Then after that FWH gets a call from the attorney generals office, to congradulate him on being a father. WHOOOPEY..
Well they were actually calling to let him know now that court has been rescheduled to March 12, cause now it has to go before a judge, cause now they are handeling CS, Custody & visitation, all at once, We just found out this was scheduled to be a mediation process, not a hearing, but nothing in our paperwork ever said anything about a mediation, Well this is better for FWH in the long run, I believe...
Just the post poning is killing me, alright already lets get all this behind us so we can move on & I know what to expect in my marriage.
My guess is that is the reason she is wanting the ceremony before the adoption, so she can get CS still!
I am mad for you.