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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: OC support thread BS Only
beajus
♀ Member
Member # 21386
Default  Posted: 4:08 PM, April 5th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

mrsrod49
From an outside but NOT unbiased point of view it seems to me, he IS trying to lead a double life. He needs to enact his father's rights and get formal custody and visitation set up. She has no right to say who can be around the chld unless HE lets her. She doesn't run the show when the child is with him. HE DOES! You both are allowing her to control the situation. that isn't ok.
While my FWH would go to the ER with his child he'd be calling me and updating me and as soon as I was able to locate a sitter I'd be joining them there. If she doesn't like it then he doesn't have to be there either. She needs to see you two as a pkg deal. End of story. Time for HIM to put his foot down. Keep vrey good records of everything that happens with OC (or have your FWH do it). You guys need to see an attorney pronto. OW is NOT putting the child first. That is a very very bad thing.


me BS 29 him WH 30
Together for 10 yrs
5 little boys 8,7,7,4,2
Dday 7-09-08
OC born 3-30-09
R- 8-1-08
Have OC 75% or more of the time
H works with OW
S. 7-30-09 NOT A related.
12-09 OW absconded with OC
1-2010 we filed for custody

Posts: 1396 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: NE iowa
Chandler
♀ Member
Member # 23038
Default  Posted: 11:22 AM, April 8th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It makes me sick to my stomach when my WH talks about babysitting th OC. Does anyone else feel this?


ME:BS Him:WS
D-Day: Too many I lost count
OC born Jan 09
"If happy ever did exist, I would still be holding you like this, all those fairy tales are full of shit, one more fucking love song I'll be sick" -Maroon 5

Posts: 1335 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Somewhere I never wanted to be
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 12:34 PM, April 8th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey all, I haven't been in this forum much lately. Trying to take a step back and regain my center since the adoption is on the backburner for the time being. Just wanted you all to know you are always in my thoughts and prayer


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
dreamer1
♀ Member
Member # 13716
Default  Posted: 3:12 PM, April 8th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I posted in the R forum, and dont want to retype all of it, so if any of you can assist me, please..

I just figure there might be more responses on that forum, sometimes this one gets a little slow...

I have been doing great, and R is going so well.

I just am struggling with OW and OC, and the $2000.00 she gets, and taking vacations, and partying. WTF just gets me sooo worked up.


S(he) Be(lie)ve(d)
Me-BS 48
Him-FWH 50
Friends 34 yrs-Married 26 yrs
D-Day 1/20/2007
LTA-To Many False R to count and D-days, Last D-day June 11,2010
4 stepchildren SS 28, SD 29, Twin SS 2yrs.
Twin OC, born 6/23/2008
Trying to see if R is pos

Posts: 558 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Arizona
scorpio1
♀ Member
Member # 6445
Default  Posted: 8:30 AM, April 14th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I read a lot here but haven't posted in a long time. Wanted some advice from those in the same position as myself.

WH lives in another state. Will be two years now. Once he moved with the OW, things started falling apart and she wound up seeing someone else. WH moved out on his own and started going to counseling. Also found God. He has changed from the person he used to be and has learned a lot.

At first, the kids would not talk to him and he had no contact with them at all. He then came to visit them and has visited them every three months. It is still difficult as the kids do not want him to tell them what to do since he lives away from them. Our youngest, who will be 3 next month, didn't really know him and just started calling him "daddy."

He lives close to the OW and the OC so he has visitation twice a week. It's a hard pill to swallow that he helps with that child while I am left a single parent.

He wants to come back but I don't think it's a good idea. I don't want to have anything to do with the OC and that situation. The OW tried to state that she wants the OC to have a father and wanted him to move down here. My feelings are that I have three of my own children to raise, have been raising them on my own, and don't want anymore responsibility. Thank you very much. Your child, your responsibility.

I can see the problems and try to explain to WH. I would never tell anyone to not see their kid so I choose to walk away and move on with my life. Don't want to have to deal with him going up there and visiting. Even though she's with someone new and WH talks about staying with them. I don't trust the situation. A lot of people would just say to have to OC come visit, but I refuse to do anything I'm not comfortable with.

I know the child is innocent, but why should I have to look at the product of what hurt me so bad? And the fact that the OC is just 4 months younger than my youngest child makes me feel ashamed. I feel as if I have to do what's best for me and my kids. And that I can't be with him with this division between us. I think he should move on with his life and find someone who can accept all of his kids. I didn't sign up for this and won't accept it.

Any advice?


If a situation requires a lie, you are standing on the wrong side of the issue.
Me-BS 41 years old
STBXWH-37 years old
3 kids D-18; S-15; D-5

Posts: 1891 | Registered: Feb 2005 | From: South Florida
25wimsey
♀ Member
Member # 7816
Default  Posted: 10:53 AM, April 14th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Scorpio--I'm not in your position--H didn't leave, and we have contact with OC. But I think you answered your own questions in your post--if you're not comfortable with visitation with OC, and the whole situation is unacceptable to you, then you don't have him move back.

You are doing a strong and good job on your own--it's not fair and it's so hurtful--but you are doing it all. Sounds like the added stress wouldn't be good for you. Good luck.

I forget, are you divorced or legally separated or getting CS from him?


Posts: 695 | Registered: Aug 2005
scorpio1
♀ Member
Member # 6445
Default  Posted: 12:12 PM, April 14th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I receive child support and we are not divorced.

I am uncomfortable with the situation and I keep thinking of the what if's. She made him promise that he would take the OC if something happened to her. What if I invested that time in him and still didn't want the OC if/when the time came.

It is stressful being a single parent and being his vacation destination. We have discussed him moving closer in order to have visitation with the kids, but not living together. That would be the best thing for me. I feel as if I haven't moved on because his choices still have an impact on me. I don't really have anyone to help me with my kids. So I haven't had the opportunity to date or anything else. I feel that I should see what the world has to offer me.

Last year, he told me about the multiple affairs he had during our whole time together. It seems as if our whole life was a lie. To me at least. If I would have known then what I know now, things would have been different. I just feel that being with him, he gets everything. While I'm stuck with the past to deal with, herpes, and an OC. Can't forget where I got the herpes from when I have my breakouts.


If a situation requires a lie, you are standing on the wrong side of the issue.
Me-BS 41 years old
STBXWH-37 years old
3 kids D-18; S-15; D-5

Posts: 1891 | Registered: Feb 2005 | From: South Florida
scorpio1
♀ Member
Member # 6445
Default  Posted: 12:12 PM, April 14th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

sorry. double post.

[This message edited by scorpio1 at 12:13 PM, April 14th (Tuesday)]


If a situation requires a lie, you are standing on the wrong side of the issue.
Me-BS 41 years old
STBXWH-37 years old
3 kids D-18; S-15; D-5

Posts: 1891 | Registered: Feb 2005 | From: South Florida
BMC0415
♀ Member
Member # 14038
Default  Posted: 2:32 PM, April 14th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Scorpio1,

I agree with 25Wimsey you seem to have answered your own question. I am going to tell you what I told another member, you have jumped over one of the biggest hurdles that is hard for a BS to do and that is you are already living on your own.

If you know that he will still be involved with OC and you can't deal with that, you have to do what is right for you. If you compromise with this situation and you know that you really can't deal with it, you will never truly be happy.

So you have to outweight having a sometime daddy for your COM, because even if he does move back, that is what he will be, because he still will be involved with OC seperately, or living like you are living now.

Hugs to you, I know it is hard.

[This message edited by BMC0415 at 2:48 PM, April 14th (Tuesday)]


Me: 40+ Him: 40+
Married: 20+ years
D-Day: 3/7/07
Children: 24dd,23ds,21dd
10 yr. LTA 3OC w/OW 10,10,14 8/14/12-gave custody of twins to ex 8/16/12-DIVORCED!

Posts: 2910 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Maryland
beajus
♀ Member
Member # 21386
Default  Posted: 11:17 PM, April 14th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No advice scorpio just (((HUGS)))


me BS 29 him WH 30
Together for 10 yrs
5 little boys 8,7,7,4,2
Dday 7-09-08
OC born 3-30-09
R- 8-1-08
Have OC 75% or more of the time
H works with OW
S. 7-30-09 NOT A related.
12-09 OW absconded with OC
1-2010 we filed for custody

Posts: 1396 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: NE iowa
lynne01
♀ Member
Member # 21856
Default  Posted: 10:47 AM, April 17th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey everyone!! I havent post in a while I will be honest it's hard for me to make it thru the day. H and I are offically seperated. I found out that he was talking to OW behind my back taken her stuff for OC. Not upset that he was doing things for his child. Upset that he felt he had to sneak behind my back to do it. I think this betrayal hurts just as bad as the A. I had just started backing trusting him and then I find this out. I am going to continue to pray God gives me strenght to get thru.


I am taking my life back!

Posts: 95 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: twilight zone
kwash
Member
Member # 13957
Default  Posted: 9:00 AM, April 20th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi everyone. Hope you are in a good place today. I am looking for some other perspectives on something that my H and I are dealing with. He found out last year that he has an OC from a ONS that happened 17 years ago. He had no idea and he has had no contact with the OC's mother sice the ONS. It appears that the only reason he did find out is that the OC's mother had to rely on state assistance for a short time and the state took my H to court to recoup the money. DNA established paternity and H had to go to court and pay back what she had received, but the OC's mother did nothing more to try and get regular support established.

While the issue of support appears to be over and we thought we would put it all behind us, the OC's mother has twice sent H letters about 'his son'. The letters are short, and the recent one included a copy of his report card. It sounds like she is a recovering alcoholic and born again Chrisitan and feels like she needs to let H know about the boy and she also seems to assume that H would want to hear about him and perhaps play a role in his life. H had decided that he was not going to have any contact with the OC or his mother and has not responded, but it is hard to get these letters. Should he write back to the mother letting her know that he has no hard feelings, but would like to continue as before? That he does not see beginning a relationship with her son at this point, and that he should have that choice given that she chose it for him the first 15 years of the OC's life.

I know that many people would not make this choice, but for now that is what H and I want. Who knows if one day he will feel differently. I am just trying to figure out if he should respond to the OC's mother or just keep ignoring her and hoping she will get the message.

Thanks very much.


Posts: 2175 | Registered: Mar 2007
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 7:58 AM, April 21st (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OC told my MIL that OW said she wished she had never met my H. I wish she had never met him either.


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
Forgive/Forget
♀ Member
Member # 23402
Default  Posted: 9:13 AM, April 21st (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Kwash

I look at things the way you do. We also chose NC. I let the OW know when she made the choice to keep the child that she would only get what the state required my H to pay, nothing else. I figure that one day the child will probably come looking for him, and will be told of the situation and why there was no contact.
I would let her know that she made the choice, and you don't want her contacting you anymore.


"Know that the pain will pass, and when it passes, you will be stronger, happier and more sensitive and aware"

Posts: 139 | Registered: Mar 2009
BMC0415
♀ Member
Member # 14038
Default  Posted: 9:22 AM, April 21st (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Kwash,

I tend to agree. If this is what you both have agreed on then make it clear. Don't leave anything to speculation. Now if your H thinks he may feel differently later, I believe another member's H wrote letters and put things in a box until the OC got of age to come asking about their parentage and was able to give the OC the box to explain things over the years. That would be of course you all's choice.

Good luck with ever you decide.


Me: 40+ Him: 40+
Married: 20+ years
D-Day: 3/7/07
Children: 24dd,23ds,21dd
10 yr. LTA 3OC w/OW 10,10,14 8/14/12-gave custody of twins to ex 8/16/12-DIVORCED!

Posts: 2910 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Maryland
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 11:44 AM, April 21st (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Kwash,

I would agree with F/F and BMC, don't leave it up to question. Have your H write a letter to OC's mother explaining that he although he wishes OC no ill will he would ratheer keep thing's the way they have been. That way she can't think that her letter's were lost in the mail or something. There should be no mistaking how you and your H feel if you sending her a letter telling her how you both feel. Good luck


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
kwash
Member
Member # 13957
Default  Posted: 11:49 AM, April 21st (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

F/F, BMC & auntcis - thank you so much for taking the time to reply. I will talk to H about writing back and making it clear that he wants NC. It will be a hard thing to do, but it's what we want.

K


Posts: 2175 | Registered: Mar 2007
beajus
♀ Member
Member # 21386
Default  Posted: 3:25 PM, April 22nd (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

*sigh* the body never forgets..

I'm doing alright i think... or was... We've got OC now 3-4 times a week. Which is totally cool with me. I love her very very much.
I don't think of her or am not reminded of her NOT being mine till it's time for her to go back to OW. Then it kinda slaps me in the face and it's hard. But the time she's here I love her just like mine. Till i was in the shower last night, and realized I'm leaking... breastmilk. I nursed all 5 of my children and nursed my last up until just a few months ago. I'm really suffering right now at being engorged and not being able to do anything about it. Each time i accidentally bump my boobs or something i'm reminded that the baby isn't mine. That is soooo soooo hard.
I called my midwife and she said it's normal. It happens sometimes. They don't give the shots to dry you up anymore. She told me I could pump and donate the BM or i can bind them and try to dry myself up, but that with the baby around as often as she is everytime she cries i'll probably continue to let down and engorge and stuff...........

ACK just not sure how to deal with this.. please help........


me BS 29 him WH 30
Together for 10 yrs
5 little boys 8,7,7,4,2
Dday 7-09-08
OC born 3-30-09
R- 8-1-08
Have OC 75% or more of the time
H works with OW
S. 7-30-09 NOT A related.
12-09 OW absconded with OC
1-2010 we filed for custody

Posts: 1396 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: NE iowa
auntcis
♀ Member
Member # 15926
Default  Posted: 6:52 PM, April 22nd (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((((beajus))))))

I'm sorry, that has to be rough


Me;36FBS,Him;31FWH,married 14yrs
D14,S12,S8,OC13
OC was adopted 8/13/09
"Lucky I'm in love with my best friend."

Posts: 3519 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: New York
green_eyed_devil
♀ Member
Member # 18139
Default  Posted: 12:10 PM, April 23rd (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We are still awaiting our pretrial for custody of OC. I just sat down and did our 'offical" letter for summer visitation so that OW can't say we aren't following the CO. She nit picks the smallest things to her FREE lawyer. I posted that she is claiming the dead baby as my husbands now. We've spoke to our lawyer who said that is not what we are trying in court..it's solely custody and it's yet another thing she's throwing out there to get the focus off the custody trial.

So I've wondered all along if this other baby of her's is my husbands. If the hospital has no DNA on file from the autopsy then the only way to get DNA would be to get a CO to exhume the baby (which we were assured our judge would NOT do). So can I live knowing that this other baby may have also been my husbands? The though pisses me off SO MUCH. Even the possibility that he was sleeping with her more than 5 years after the fact, and after our marriage (that it took me years to follow thru with).

No she has OC (she'll be six next month) telling me that her and her baby sister have the same daddy. I told H that she better hope she never see's me out in puiblic once this court stuff is settled because I swear to God I won't stop beating her until someone pulls her off me.

So how do I live and deal with the fact that I may never honestly know if this baby was H's or not. He swears he wasn't seeing her and had nothing to do with her. But I've always questioned it all due to the past and some odd things thaty were going on at the time. I don't know if this is something I can just deal with.


Me FBS 30 Him FWS 31
Together since 3/96, married 03/07
our children D13, S10, S8
EA began 3/02 which lead to their marriage in 7/02, left her 9/03 divorce finalized 10/04
D day 5/02
OC born 5/03,

Posts: 72 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: Missouri
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