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User Topic: Long Term Affairs XI I
BorrowTrouble
♀ Member
Member # 2435
Default  Posted: 8:37 AM, June 25th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Acres,

It took a very, very long time for my husband to see the depths of the wrong he had done with his affair. Like your wife, my H's infidelities happened a long time ago and for a very long period of time.

She ended it, or it would have gone on longer still. You see, he had convinced himself that since I didn't know, it wasn't hurting anyone. And he continued to believe that for all the years afterward. Even after he confessed -- spurred on by my decision to finally look up the OW and tell him I was going to contact her -- it still took many many months of seeing my pain and anger before he had the faintest clue the extent of the damage. As time has gone on and we have finally built a truly intimate marriage, his understanding of the wrong-ness of his actions has only grown.

I think when they have spent so many years convincing themselves that their affair was no big deal, it is going to take more than a few months for them to really get it. Just like you can't turn an oceanliner on a dime, you can't change a self-deception of this magnitude and this longevity in an instant.

And I think that is true of BSes too. It took me quite a long time to fit all the pieces in place about what this kind of behavior said about my husband and about our marriage. And it took many months after that for me to accept it.

Four months is just the start for both of you.

BT


D-day 7/29/04.

Posts: 5711 | Registered: Oct 2003
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 9:12 AM, June 25th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just checking in quickly folks... I have a ton of work to do and I'm feeling under the weather which has me riding the down elevator.

I plan to leave H a note tonight, book a hotel room (just in case I need it)and go out for the night. I hope for the best, no matter how hopeless it seems.

Wish me luck.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 11:43 AM, June 25th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Acres,
It took a long time for my H to even grapple what he has done to us, let alone to himself. I remember one of the questions he wanted me to answer when we were negotiating R (after dday 1) was "So how long till you get over this and never mention this again, cos I just want to put this away!"

Riiigghhtt.

That is a far cry from the H I have today.Looking back, I can honestly say that we were only really ready to R after the 1st year. By then, all the nasty stuff had come out (inclu another OW!), his eyes were opening up to the damage around us, and to be fair, I was also able to look relatively clearly at what R entailed.

Can I give you a piece of advice that was given to me here?

Dont decide to R now. It is too early. But be open to the option of R. Give yourselves at least a year to work at this, and if by then, you both can see something tangible worth saving,then call it R.

You have to consider what R means too. I thought me letting him stay on and me loving him and him bumbling up and down, meant we were in R. I think I wanted so desperately to hang onto him, that I got lost in my own fog.

Truly, the first year is about getting most of the nasties out, and both of us getting out of our fog. The 2nd year was when we started working on our M, and on ourselves.

Anyway, that was my experience...

Hope that helped, Acres.


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 11:45 AM, June 25th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey Weepy.

Wish me luck

With what?
What are you planning to do, Weepy?

If its time away from him, do it properly.


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 12:21 PM, June 25th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Once again some wonderful advice and support going in here. I tell you, it feels so good to know that I am not going mad, that I can pick up the shredded remains of this marriage and try to patch together something recognisable. How is it possible to live with someone and then find you don’t know them at all?? Jeez. And I see we now have over 20,000 people who have joined this site.
*****
Going back a bit to Shirley and co, I don’t think my H ever saw my love for him as making me “needy”. I think he simply took it for granted and that somehow gave him permission to himself to have an affair. To drift off outside the marriage to seek something he thought was missing or to see if there was anything to renew with OW/ex gf. I would be here to come back to if it didn’t work out with her. Which brings me to what BT has just said:
he had convinced himself that since I didn't know, it wasn't hurting anyone.

*****

I do think that these guys KNOW they are lucky to still be a part of our families.

Yes, but I’m tired with being on that impossible pedestal. We had MC last night. Pretty intense and a lot of issues were raised and he did emotionally stab me a couple of times with certain truths about the affair. But yet again he went on to say that he could find no blame in me for his actions, for the loss of our relationship, other than as a family, he felt excluded. It was me and the boys ….. and him. But, when pressed as to when he felt like that, he said around 2002. So some months after the affair started, so I rest my case. And later, in bed, he said I was a “remarkable” woman. I don’t want to be remarkable. Or saintly. Or good. Or amazing. I want to be the woman who can fill that gap which made him go in the first place. I want to inject a bit of OW and bring myself down to ground level. I can't fall off anything then.
*****

Acreswild. Try giving her After the Affair by Katie Coston ebook. It might give her some insight to the damage she has done. If she chooses to read it. My H has not read anything to do with infidelity. Yes, he comes to MC, he is trying. But this book he read. And it helped him understand. After two years. Take on board BT and LostH’s words. For me, my H was immediately remorseful, but was still contacting OW for over two months after DDay and it took over a year to get the truth. I would say R has been all he has wanted, but I considered myself in that camp only a couple of months ago. As to moving on into a true state of “marriage”, that’s a long way off. Now the “why”, if it’s not an exit affair, I don’t think anyone gets a satisfactory answer whether the self-questioning WS or subsequently, the BS.
*****

Lost H, I think your FWH is trying to find his feet in a new role. He is floundering a little right now, but he is heading in the right direction and that is to be commended. I think he’s come a long way these last few months, don’t you? Just let him know he’s doing fine.

He refuses to buy himself anything even when its necessary,

And my H does that too. Even when he was buying himself a car. I had to persuade him to get the one I knew he really wanted. He said he felt he didn’t deserve it.
*****

Weepy,
What tricks are you planning? Be careful. Check in soon, you have me a little worried.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 12:23 PM, June 25th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Acres,

We are 10 months our and my H is just beginnning to understand what he has done. AND his affairs ended 7 years ago!!! She will be coming out of the fog for months. Lost has given you some great advice. Don't decide to do anything. Just take care of yourself and try to make it day to day. Your W actions will show you whether R is an option or not.

Weepy - what's going on? Did something else happen? Why a motel?


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 1:03 PM, June 25th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wrote him a long letter, just explaining everything I'm going through... how his remarks make me feel, how I feel about our "polite" existence and our chances if we stay like this.

At the end I said, "Call me if you're ready to talk and I'll come home." I plan to start off at my SIL's, but if he doesn't call, I'll need somewhere to stay. That's all.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 1:34 PM, June 25th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Fnf,
I hear what you are saying about his guilt.who knows for sure?

I wouldn't worry so much about your H's happiness. Worry about finding yours

Mmm,...
The thing is we have led such separate lives the whole M, with him seeking his happiness elsewhere, and me...well, trying to raise a family and be a W (which I dedicated myself to)and which did bring me joy.

I dont want to be like that anymore. The more time we get to spend as a couple, the more I want for us as a couple, KWIM?

After dday#1, I would have thought him just being home for dinner 4 nights a week, and spending time with the kids, and maybe just throwing in a hug or 2 for me (with no sex attached), was heaven. Boy, has that definition changed!!

I want to be a huge part of his life; I want him to be happy, and I will admit it freely, I want me (and the kids)to be the reason for that happiness.

Sigh.

****

Even then, I just blew it off and never made that connection. I can get so damn frustrated when I think about this.

((((((FnF))))))

*****
Ukg,

I want to be the woman who can fill that gap which made him go in the first place

You know that woman doesnt exist, right?
Nobody can fill that gap, except him.

I want to inject a bit of OW and bring myself down to ground level. I can't fall off anything then.

What does being on ground level mean to you, Ukg?
Does that mean being able to show your true feelings? Voice your true opinions? Release the "bad girl" in you?
Throw a cup of coffee?( )

The reason I ask, is because being on a pedastal would be a very alien experience for me, and speaking from the ground ( ), I wondered what you thought it meant.

And later, in bed, he said I was a “remarkable” woman. I don’t want to be remarkable. Or saintly. Or good. Or amazing

Ok, I will admit it...that made me a bit jealous.
My H has never said any of that to me. He did say that I was a good mother and wife (most of the time anyways) and that I am great in bed ( ), but thats about it. Sometimes I think the disdain, contempt and disrespect he had for me all those years, would be impossible to let go off.


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 1:39 PM, June 25th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Weepy, I understand that you want to "do" something to get him off his butt, but have you thought this through?

If he says he wants to stay, what then?

If he doesnt contact you at all tonight, what then?

I am afraid that you could get yourself into a no-win situation.

Please take care.


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 2:10 PM, June 25th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Weepy, did he know you were writing a letter? Or that you were going? Just what are you trying to say to him by your actions? We’ve all seen what a complete fuckwit your H can be, insensitive, rude, verbally aggressive, taunting, etc, etc. But if this is what you want, surely a break off point has to be reached some time very soon?

Take care of yourself. (((((weepy)))))
*****

LostH, I know only he can fill the gap – I just don’t want it to be with another woman! No, seriously, he knows that would be a stupid thing to do and fatal to our marriage. But b/c he can find no reason in me for his affair, b/c he can only see himself as failing, b/c I did not resort to an affair, b/c I saw to everything in the house, to our finances, to the family, to the extended family, to holidays, to his side line business and all that entailed, to being better on the computer, anything electrical, diy, the cool head in accidents and emergencies, the one who was turned to in a crisis (wife/mum/sis/DIL/daughter knows what to do). It was a place where I felt okay b/c he brought in the money. He went to work and provided us with a standard of living. It was an “agreement”, if you like. I didn’t realise that I had been promoted to this rarified position and that he had taken himself down to the level of subterreaneous Gollum hiding his “precious” (affair).

the disdain, contempt and disrespect he had for me all those years,

And that’s what it turned into. What he ended up feeling for me was precisely that.

And I find it very difficult to rant and rail, scream, hit, throw, destroy or any of those things. I just cry. Odd, really. I was the troublesome daughter when I was 13-15!! Always bunking off school, never getting homework done, sneaking around with the “wrong” sort of boy, never home on time, running away (first time I did it, I was 8!), etc, etc. And somehow, I turned into Goody-Two-Shoes (my SIL def of me ….)

I guess I need to find that inside bitch again!


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
acreswild
♂ Member
Member # 19371
Default  Posted: 2:15 PM, June 25th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thanks for all the great and supportive advice..
my WS seems well aware of the havoc she has caused, and the personal pain that she brought to me.... neither of us has a clue about what to do to fix it.. she gets exasperated at my incessant questioning but left to her own devices, nothing seems to get uncovered.. as the therpist scolded her.. she has to start digging..maybe its just time thats required..
but in meantime how do I smile, how do I not look like a truck just ran me over, how to comport myself like a human being and not like a fool..

oh well, that is another topic.. thanks again


BS-Me-59
WW- Her-59
Married 36 years
PA/EA/?A...depends on definition....
She finally admitted an old 3-4 year affair ( over 25 years ago) followed by a very sporadic on-again off-again 8 year PA followed by lengthy EA that would likely still be

Posts: 409 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Chicago
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 4:02 PM, June 25th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ukg,
And that’s what it turned into. What he ended up feeling for me was precisely that

Either I have had way too many cups of tea, or my brain really shuts down at 16:30...
I am now confused...I thought you said he puts you on a pedastal? Or are you saying that thats what he does now, but previously, he thought low of you?

And somehow, I turned into Goody-Two-Shoes (my SIL def of me ….)

And I went the opposite way!

I guess I need to find that inside bitch again!


Ok, whos giving bitching lessons???


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 4:07 PM, June 25th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

but in meantime how do I smile, how do I not look like a truck just ran me over, how to comport myself like a human being and not like a fool..

You take it hour by hour, day by day.
If it werent for my kids, I would have gone for days without eating, sleeping or even leaving the house.

Try to lower your expectations of yourself, Acres. You have just been hit by an emotional Tsunami (as someone once described it).

Try to do the very basic of your duties. Your W can help here by taking on some. Trust me, when her fog clears and she sees daylight, she will need you to be the strong one.


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
lovinlife
♀ Member
Member # 17863
Cool  Posted: 4:26 PM, June 25th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess I need to find that inside bitch again!

UK,
Do what you must to get past what is haunting you! Learn to love yourself and life, because we only get one time around. No one can make you happy except you. Find what makes you happy, the rest will follow.

((((UK))))


Hope evryone else is hanging strong. You have been in my thoughts and prayers.


Together more than half our lives.

I am woman, hear me ROAR!!
What you accept, you teach!

Me 53, WS 54
Reconciled for life!
DD 24, DS 27


Posts: 1159 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: Missouri
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 5:07 PM, June 25th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LostH - Me. Being too good for him. Mrs Always-Capable. He felt emasculated, I guess. But – he wasn’t there mostly – he was working and so just left me to it!! And he played rugby and he went training and he played golf. He did what he wanted when he wanted b/c he earned the right. (Hmm, let's not go too far on that one) He always said he was the bloke who never changed a lightbulb. B/c I did. So, it went from admiring my capabilities (wire a plug, hang wallpaper, stick on a poultice, put oil in the car, bake a cake, go to parents' evenings, organise Christmas, …) to despising them. And therefore, me. His contribution was money. An ATM. I even sorted the lost court papers by bringing in the MP. I should have backed off and made him do more. But, as I’ve said before, I’m still waiting to choose 6-10 lightfittings 2yrs after DDay. He’s not picked up the mantle. I suppose he’s not a hands on “do-er”. Yet I was doing it aaawwwlllll wrong. I couldn't win.

So. He stuck me up there and then resented me for it. But the odd thing was, I admired and looked up to him!! Maybe I didn’t tell him enough. And OW was the princess in the tower waiting to be rescued. Now that’s what he is good at (or was).


Do what you must to get past what is haunting you!

I’m trying. Believe me, I can be very trying. (Now I’ve resorted to ancient jokes!) I’ve had too much wine. Two years of drinking every day, H says. I know. But it dulls the pain.

ETA And I gave blood this afternoon, so is the alcohol more concentrated? I know I have to up my liquids to make up for the loss .....

[This message edited by UKgirl at 5:12 PM, June 25th (Wednesday)]


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
lovinlife
♀ Member
Member # 17863
Default  Posted: 7:23 PM, June 25th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

UK,

I know your trying. I am worried. I absolutely love beer and margarita's, but not every day. Perhaps you could find some common interest for the 2 of you's?
We go to local parks and walk. We also take our bikes and ride. Sometimes our kids will come too.

I understand the "do it all" syndrome. I was always the one home and did everything, even after I started working part-time. My FWH is a cop and worked shift work and ALOT of part-time jobs. We were strangers. Maybe it's time for your H to rescue you??! I think we all have an inner princess waiting to come out!

I hope you didn't take offense because I certainly didn't mean any.


Together more than half our lives.

I am woman, hear me ROAR!!
What you accept, you teach!

Me 53, WS 54
Reconciled for life!
DD 24, DS 27


Posts: 1159 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: Missouri
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 3:58 AM, June 26th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I should have backed off and made him do more

I dunno, Ukg.
Many of us here are the All-Doers of the family. I tried backing off to allow him become more involved in the family...but he just wasnt interested. There were times when I was desperate for him to do more, but he didnt, and at the end of the day, these things needed to be done..and then I HAD to do it.
Which he would then twist around and say that I was playing games with him, that I didnt want him to be part of the family, and the famous, "You set me up!".

Yet I was doing it aaawwwlllll wrong. I couldn't win.

Thats it, Ukg!
No matter what you did or didnt do, he would have framed it so that you were in the wrong. He needed justification to carry on with his agenda.

When we first got m, he would compare me (now I see this)to OW#1, who was the consummate SAHM. She did PTA, cooked lovely dinners, and walked around with her undies showing. I was so naive, and so scared of getting this wife thing wrong, that I was constantly asking him for verification that I was on the right track (which I never got by the way)
So over the years, I became what I thought he wanted, Mrs SAHM. Then when I finally had that perfected, he started having a go at me, for not working. I would hear that constantly about how I should start contributing to the family instead of lazing around. I had 3 kids then, 2 under 4.We had just moved to a new continent, and I was still trying to find my feet. By that time, I was pretty disillusioned with him, and knew that if I started work, I would effectively be destroying the family. Of course now I can see that he was comparing me to OW#2 and his sister (a WS herself).

It took me a long time, Ukg, to realise that which ever role I chose, would have been wrong. If I had gone back to work, he would have said that I was neglecting my family and him.

Like you said, we would never have won.

NOW:
Who do YOU want to be now?
Forget what he wants/needs for a minute. Who does Ukg want to be?

And dont think you have to be one or the other...you can be all of them roles...thats what makes us women so darn captivating.

****

I think we all have an inner princess waiting to come out!

Nice one, Lovin!!!

****
H and I had a bit of a spat last night, which was a bit overdue.

Anyhow I wanted to share what he told me later on when we had calmed down.

He pulled me into his arms, held me tight and said, "I am never going to hurt you again. I just wont. I am trying so hard to be a good H and F, not just for you and the kids, but for me as well. And its not even hard to do anymore. I am not going to screw this up. I love you. I Love the kids. I love what we have, and I am not going to lose it. If this family breaks up, it will not be becasue of something I did.Because I am not going to do anything bad again. I have been really good, I can see that. And I am proud of me. I know I am not doing it perfectly. I know I mess every now and then. But I am getting better. I know it. And you know it. I promise you, LH, I WILL never hurt you like that again. I will still fight with you, but I will never hurt you again."

<happy>
I so wish I could have taped that. It was just what I needed to hear. Yay Mr LH!

****

Weepy, hope you are ok.


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
acreswild
♂ Member
Member # 19371
Default  Posted: 5:03 AM, June 26th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lost Heart.. your H sounds as if he really gets it.. his speech was quite moving.. congrats


BS-Me-59
WW- Her-59
Married 36 years
PA/EA/?A...depends on definition....
She finally admitted an old 3-4 year affair ( over 25 years ago) followed by a very sporadic on-again off-again 8 year PA followed by lengthy EA that would likely still be

Posts: 409 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Chicago
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 5:49 AM, June 26th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Even then, I just blew it off and never made that connection. I can get so damn frustrated when I think about this.

I think we lose this frustration when we forgive ourselves for being loving, caring, trusting people. Forgive ourselves for being what wives and husband SHOULD be. It's so hard sometimes to remember we didn't cause this, they wanted to hide it from us and took all measures to do so. What he left you weren't 'hints', they were comments designed to throw you off the track.

how do I smile, how do I not look like a truck just ran me over, how to comport myself like a human being and not like a fool..

acres, I'm sure I looked just like you describe here for months after dday. It really wasn't until my IC told me the other session that I did what I could. That sometimes we're just not able to be the perfect, comported, pulled-together person. That's a perception we have of ourselves that is false.

I want to be the woman who can fill that gap which made him go in the first place

I recently went into Wayward to ask on the "what was my ws thinking thread" a version of this... "What if I can't be the woman he really wants in his life after this blow to me and our M... won't he just go looking elsewhere to replace the misery at home with some fun and peace elsewhere, like he did before? Won't he THINK he's happier because there's no baggage?"

LC answered that yes, he will IF HE HASN'T FIXED whatever it was that drove him in that direction in the first place.

Some of us have spouses who have had that light turned on, even briefly, or it's taken quite a while to start glowing. Some of us have spouses who intentionally remain in the dark, and "suffer" the rest of their lives because they think they deserve it. Some of us have spouses who don't even know there's a light switch there. ( me)

He always said he was the bloke who never changed a lightbulb. B/c I did. So, it went from admiring my capabilities (wire a plug, hang wallpaper, stick on a poultice, put oil in the car, bake a cake, go to parents' evenings, organise Christmas, …) to despising them. And therefore, me.

Slightly different version, but my H always told people how he didn't "know how she does it all". It's in the letter I wrote him last night. How he kept encouraging me and showing appreciation for everything I did, so I continued to to do it. Then it turned into "she's cutting me out of our M by doing everything." and he too went on to "rescue" his LTA. She was pathetic and needed him. I was strong and capable and didn't. So he turned it on it's side to now mean "Weepy doesn't need me, she won't even notice I'm gone. Her preoccupation with carrying the whole load keeps her so busy she has no time for me." Never once did the thought of "maybe if I HELP her, she'll have more time for me." enter his mind. Then it became even worse... "Weepy does nothing right. She's impossible, stubborn, controlling and yet she never 'gets' it. I don't know why I put up with her. Guess I HAVE to stay because of the kids." He even told me that they were the only reason for a while that he stayed. And yet has told the MC that our kids turned out so well because of me. Now it's changed back to our kids are screwed up because of me. He's justifying something again.

What we have to realize is that this is their coping mechanism. It's not true, but all our arguing that it "is true. can't you see it?" falls on deaf ears because they also have the coping mechanism of never being able to be wrong. If it's not someone elses' fault, it's theirs and they can't deal with that. The healthy ones will learn to.

LH, to hear that this far out really is meaningful. I wish I'd taped some of the times it appeared my H was actually getting it too. Instead I held onto the cards because he doesn't have those kinds of words in him.

ETA: I didn't go through with my plan. I went to the drs. yesterday and I have a sinus infection heading towards bronchitis...wasn't about to leave the house. I now plan to just give it to him and go to another room while he reads it... both kids will be out tonight.

[This message edited by weepy at 5:50 AM, June 26th (Thursday)]


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 5:54 AM, June 26th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lost Heart - that is so great. It does sound like he gets it. I even like the part about still fighting but not doing anything to hurt you. It is very realistic. I am so happy for you.

It took me a long time, Ukg, to realise that which ever role I chose, would have been wrong. If I had gone back to work, he would have said that I was neglecting my family and him.

Like you said, we would never have won.

UKG - listen to Lost on this one. NOTHING we could have done would have been good enough. What was missing was inside THEM and we couldn't give it to them. And, if it make you feel any better, the OW couldn't give it to them either - that's why it didn't last. They are with us because, in the end, they realize that they love us and what isn't enough needs to be fixed inside and not through external validation.

Bitch sessions??? Maybe I could teach? I can get verrrrry bitchy if need be!!!


Weepy? Check in and let us know what happened last night....

Lovin' - I am absolutely not even going to get involved in the drinking discussion. Wine has been my drug of choice during this ordeal. I actually have the name of someone to help me cut back when it is time but IT IS NOT TIME!!!


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

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