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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affairs XI I
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 7:05 AM, June 26th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LH - Such a beautiful declaration. You must still be on cloud nine this morning. I wonder if they understand how much and how often we need moments like this. To be pulled into their arms alone, to feel their desire for us, is so healing. Honestly, his words to you brought tears to my eyes.
So, LH, tell us are you going to share what happened afterward? Just kidding, kind of!
Weepy, Now that you've given yourself some time, due to your sinus infection, are you feeling any differently about giving this letter to your H? Have you read it over to make sure there's nothing in there you want to omit or change? I'm glad you've decided to go into the other room and not leave. I think that is best and less threatening at this point in time. It sounds like he has been a little less confrontational. Is this true? Maybe he is even seeing how difficult he's being. Lordy, I hope so.
Good luck tonight. I hope you are able to get through to him tonight. (((Weepy)))
HS - I love my wine too. I know this sounds awful, but I don't think I could have gotten through in the beginning without the numbing effect of my wine. The pain was just too great and the AD's were just keeping me from going over the edge. This is terrible advice but I just wanted you to know that I've been there and I understand.
I was worried for a while there thinking I would develop a real problem but as the pain lessened, my need for the numbing effects lessened too. Now I enjoy my wine but I don't NEED it so I guess I'm over the worst of my pain.


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
lovinlife
♀ Member
Member # 17863
Default  Posted: 8:41 AM, June 26th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I didn't mean to upset anyone with my drinking statement. I too have been there, done that, and it did help in the beginning, but I needed and wanted my comfort to come from someone else...KWIM? In the beginning of our R I hadn't found SI. Most of my hard times had already come and gone. Thank God for good friends, and walking! I apologize if I upset anyone, I was just concerned.

LH,
What your H said was truly wonderful, and I am happy for you.
But, I REALLY DO want to know what happened after!!

Weepy,
Just wondering how it went last night?



Together more than half our lives.

I am woman, hear me ROAR!!
What you accept, you teach!

Me 53, WS 54
Reconciled for life!
DD 24, DS 27


Posts: 1159 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: Missouri
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 8:45 AM, June 26th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So, LH, tell us are you going to share what happened afterward?

Now now Fnf, do I do look like a kiss and tell kinda gal??


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 8:57 AM, June 26th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That's ok LH the " " says it all!


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
hurtbuthappy
♀ Member
Member # 14539
Default  Posted: 10:03 AM, June 26th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Haven't posted in awhile and seems like I only post when I am on the downword roller coaster.

Anyway, sorry. But yesterday WH admitted to me that OW called him yet again. She wanted to know how he was and he told her he couldn't talk to her.

So I should feel good that he finally was open and honest and told me, but damn I am so angry that she will not go away!!!

I told him that telling me this and not hiding it like he has in the past is a huge step forward in our R, and I do feel this way. but I'm sure my reaction was not going to help him being open in the future. I just hate that bitch so much. Why can't she get a life? A life without a married man might be nice!!!

Right now I just want to send her a copy of her email where she promised me on her daughters memory that she would never contact him again.

That's why I am here. I know this would not be a smart move, but I am having a hard time not doing it. Ok ladies (and gentlemen) talk me out of this. Please!!


M-25 years
2 kids

Posts: 131 | Registered: May 2007
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 10:27 AM, June 26th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HBH,

She wanted to know how he was and he told her he couldn't talk to her.

Ok, I know I am being a bit technical, but did he say he couldnt, or he didnt?

There is a big difference, IMHO.

Why did he answer the call? Why did he even talk to her, instead of hanging up? What else did he/she say? How long was the call for?
Is her number blocked?

I understand your anger at OW (swearing on her DD's memory? Bitch.)
But I am a bit annoyed with your H to be honest.

Ok, going forward, what next?

Clearly she didnt understand the concept of NC.Maybe another more strongly worded NC letter? Or just ignore it? Maybe she will get off on the attention? Then again, we dont want her thinking that she shares a secret with your H.

Sorry HBH, both the OW in our sitch all slunk back under the rocks they crawled from, so I dont have any experience with this...hope somebody with a voice of reason comes along.

((((HBH))))


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 10:58 AM, June 26th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just diving in quickly here. Reading up but no time to post. Have DS4 to take to piano & archery.

HBH

She wanted to know how he was and he told her he couldn't talk to her.

I saw this line and it jumped out at me. Same as it did for LostH. But I saw “couldn’t”, why not “wouldn’t”? More to the point, why didn’t he show you and then just delete it. Or send her a harassment warning – next contact would bring a lawyer’s letter in her post.

He shouldn’t be having anything to do with her at all on a personal level, if he’s still working with her. If he’s not working with her, he should block her emails and calls. Sounds like he’s finding reasons to drag it out for it to start over again. It’s not acceptable, HBH. Stay strong and stand your ground. NC is NC is NC.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 11:15 AM, June 26th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But yesterday WH admitted to me that OW called him yet again. She wanted to know how he was and he told her he couldn't talk to her.

HBH - I can only say from our experience that when the OW contacted my H on several occasions, every response he made back to her infuriated me. He never said or did what it was I told him he needed to say to her. Here's one example. He came home very proud of himself to tell me that she called and he told her, "I've already been hurt enough." WTF?? The answer should have been, I've already hurt FNF enough. Don't call here again. Better yet, simply hang up the f---ing phone was what I said to him.
So, my point is, I don't think they know what to say and they say the first thing that comes to mind, in your H's case, he told her he couldn't talk to her. Ideally, he should have said, I will not talk to you nor do I want you to attempt to call me again and then hang up. The fact that he came home and admitted the call shows progress, IMHO. Whether or not I would contact her is something I'm not sure about. Would you consider having your H call her in your presence with the speakerphone on and telling her in no uncertain terms that it is over, not to call again and that if there is future contact the two of you will file a harrassment suit?
Hopefully, someone else will have more helpful advice. This is such a tough issue because the most important thing is getting the message across without giving the OW the opportunity to stay in the picture. I also agree with LH that you don't want her thinking she has a secret with your H. Why can't they find a hole to crawl into and leave us the hell alone???


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 11:19 AM, June 26th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HBH - I am going to take the other side of this. I don't want the fact that he was honest with you to get buried in the semantics of couldn't/wouldn't. The key to me is that he told you immediately and he did not engage her. I would let him know that this was very important to you and you appreciate his honesty. THEN, I would sit with him while he blocks her number and email on all phones and computers. Make it a team project to eliminate her from your life.

DO NOT contact her. I think it will just encourage her as she will have elicited a reaction. From what I understand, what these Hos want is attention. She is probably waiting for some reaction and, when she doesn't get it, she will have no reason to contact again.

DO NOT CONTACT HER!!!!


Livin'- no offense taken at all. You are right - it is not a good habit. And, a habit it is. The good news is I get a ridiculous amount of exercise (some days as much as 2+ hours of serious sports). But, right now, I need my painkiller in a bottle.

ETA: yeh, FNF.

I agree with UKG that if she contacts again, a no contact letter from an attorney with notice that all further contact will be considered harassment would be the next step. If she violates this you can file a restraining order against her which will make it a punishable offence to contact. But don't contact her alone...she will be psyched that she got a rise out of you.

[This message edited by hurtshirley at 11:25 AM, June 26th (Thursday)]


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 11:50 AM, June 26th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HBH, what do you think of what Shirley has said? (Ah, the Wise not-so-Newbie )

Sounds reasonable to me.

***
Speaking of NEwbies ( S!), how are our real Newbies doing? Anybody wants to share?


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
BorrowTrouble
♀ Member
Member # 2435
Default  Posted: 8:06 PM, June 26th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, I agree with Shirley. The big thing is that he told you. Don't lose sight of that.


Lost Heart, that was quite a speech from that man of yours. Three cheers for Mr. Lost Heart.


D-day 7/29/04.

Posts: 5711 | Registered: Oct 2003
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 5:57 AM, June 27th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I too agree with Shirley. The use of "couldn't" can take many tones.... "my wife won't let me" or "I can't because I don't want to." Semantics of the use of that word are irrelevant.

Take as many steps as you can to eliminate her ability to contact him.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 6:13 AM, June 27th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And I also wanted to say good for Mr LostH. Quite a moment for you.
*****
Lovin’, Like Shirley, alcohol is my drug of choice. It’s waaay less than it was a year ago when I would not eat, get wrecked and then bawl my eyes out. Now I make sure I eat before getting wrecked! No, no, I’m kidding! Usually a shared bottle of wine, maybe a small beer beforehand. When FWH gets another job, we will go no alcohol Sun to Thur. But thanks for your concern.
*****
Guess I HAVE to stay because of the kids

Yep. That common rationalisation to NOT leaving. Mr UKg said to MOW he couldn’t leave me b/c of DS4. That DS4 was my “gift” to him. So, I have sussed that when DS4 was coming up to leave primary and move up to the high school (he was 11yrs, 10mths on DDay), she reckoned it was time for my WH to move over to her. And she upped the ante to force the issue.
*****
HBH, how have you dealt with this latest incident? Check in and run an update.
*****
And now I’m off out for the day. Today is not a good day, FWH says that’s b/c “it’s Friday”. Yes, it’s Friday, but it also happens to be MOW’s b’day. And I know that he was sure to see her around this date - or on it if her BH was away. And I ‘indulged’ him this morning – before I realised the date. So then I got mind movies. Maybe he does recognise the date, I don’t know, but he has gone out to buy some stuff b/c he wants to cook me dinner tonight. But that’s just another on the list of things she wanted.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 8:30 AM, June 27th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

he has gone out to buy some stuff b/c he wants to cook me dinner tonight.

Looks like Mr Ukg is trying to reclaim today, Ukg. How about you?

****
Weepy, how are you doing?
Do you find that your health takes a huge fall when you are overly stressed out? Something about our body holding the score for our emotions?

****
My manager asked me if I could go fulltime as we are shortstaffed, and I replied I could but only for July, as the kids break up for summer after that.

It would mean a few more changes around this homefront, but the extra money would help out alot for the Summer holidays.

Then this morning, youngest DD threw me a curveball. I dropped her at her class and was walking away, and she ran after me, hugging my legs, and crying. I tried to comfort her and find out what the problem was, and she finally said that she missed me, and she wanted to be with me. My heart jumped into my throat.
(and the SAHMs walking past smugly and self satisfied didnt help either).

God, now I feel so bad. I have been so selfish all these months, only focusing on me and my new job and my time etc etc..and it looks like I have disregarded my only reasons for living. My babies.

I dont know what to do.


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
BorrowTrouble
♀ Member
Member # 2435
Default  Posted: 9:12 AM, June 27th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lost,

You haven't been focusing only on yourself. Looking at it objectively, you have been getting yourself to a place of balance, where you have importance, too.

By treating yourself as a person of importance, you are teaching your kids to do the same for themselves. Don't go back to the place where you put everyone and everything else before you. That is not healthy and it is not what you want for your kids. And we do end up repeating our parents patterns, I think we are all too well aware of that.

I know it is hard for the kiddies becaue it is a change. But it is a change that needed to be made and will do them good in the long run. I can tell you that my decision to start taking classes and go back to school and show myself to be capable of tasks other than motherhood has had a vast and good impact on my relationship with my kids. Yes, sometimes they get upset that I have to study rather than do something with them, or that I can't be at every school event as I used to be, but they also see that you need to take care of yourself and that families are about helping each one of us be the best we can be.

I would reassure her of your love and your commitment to her and the family and try to schedule something special with her. But I would't cave to the pressure of her emotions. That wouldn't be good for either of you.

BT


D-day 7/29/04.

Posts: 5711 | Registered: Oct 2003
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 10:05 AM, June 27th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Weepy, how are you doing?
Do you find that your health takes a huge fall when you are overly stressed out? Something about our body holding the score for our emotions?

Absolutely! I can't remember when I've had so many ailments. H says it's because I'm getting old. But I'm positive it's stress related. I told H in the letter I still haven't given him, that I feel like I've aged 10 years in the last 2.

I look at my driver's license photo from May 2006 and I swear I don't look a day over 45. Now I look every bit my age plus some.

God, now I feel so bad. I

have been so selfish all these months, only focusing on me and my new job and my time etc etc..and it looks like I have disregarded my only reasons for living. My babies.

I dont know what to do.

No, LH, you are not being selfish. I worked FT while both my kids were growing up. They coped. My D grew up seeing that the woman could be just as important in keeping a household as the man. My son grew up seeing a mom who was smart in things other than baking cookies. Did they miss me not being able to be a homeroom mom? Sure. But to tell the truth, I probably wouldn't have been anyway. I was there for the important stuff, like giving them as stable a home as possible during those dark years.

It's a change, they'll be fine, just love them double when you're with them.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 10:24 AM, June 27th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Spoke to my IC about this (guilt as a working mama), and she echoed pretty much what you guys said.

She said that I dont want to go back to being the person who put everyone first.Yes, life was stable and everyone got what they wanted, but "me" was deprived. And the reason I have probably been gulping so much these last months, is similar to a person who has been deprived of oxygen, and then allowed to breathe again.

She said we would all find the right balance in time.

Anyhow, scheduled a family discussion tonight to see if the other 2 feel the same way as DD, and how we can go about sorting it out.

I just can't wait for all our lives to just be normal, boring and stable.

***

I told H in the letter I still haven't given him, that I feel like I've aged 10 years in the last 2.

Oh Weepy.

Re. your letter: can I ask what did you hope to achieve with it? And what do you hope H's reaction will be?


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 11:43 AM, June 27th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LH, the letter is basically a statement of what I didn't get out at MC, my plan. That I want to work PT forever, that frankly, I think I've earned that right. How I am hoping for his support, but if he can't give it, I'll understand and expect some fallout and deal with it. How my "plan" also has place for compromise and contingency... like ifhe loses his job, I'll go full time.

It also states that I don't like the way he spoke to me in MC last week, the silence that followed, the fact that we don't talk about hard stuff and how we're not going to get anywhere if we don't. I owned my end of the anger and name calling and apologized. I told him I expected him to apologize when he crosses those lines too.

I also asked him to look at it this way, I'm depending on him for the first time and I realize that may be scary, but that it's also a huge step for me to step back from being everything and doing everything and I'm struggling with giving up my control. That I'm trusting him to take care of us and his family, something I would never have done a year ago, put my health into his hands.

What do I hope to accomplish? Just to get my side of the story out without being interrupted, ridiculed, yelled at and demeaned.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 11:54 AM, June 27th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That I'm trusting him to take care of us and his family, something I would never have done a year ago, put my health into his hands

Weepy, I am asking this because you know I care for you: do you really think that this is right time to do this?

I understood everything you said, and I get it.

I am just so so scared for you that he will use this either to manipulate you, or to demean you. Its probably not even my place to say this (ok, I know its not), but I dont want you to get hurt anymore.

He has been such a jerk lately, and that session last week...

I wonder if he is even capable of hearing you right now.

Am I the only one who feels like this? I know I sometimes let my own sitch dictate my feelings on others, and I hope this is one of them...just tell me to shut up, Weepy.


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 12:45 PM, June 27th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

shut up

I just can't take the damned fluxuating between polite civility and utter madness.

My IC told me about a story in her M when she wanted to buy her DD a piano. She wasn't working, her H objected, so she went out got a job, paid for the piano and told him "I know you don't get this, don't approve, but it's something I want to do. I'd rather have your support and approval, but if I don't, that's the way it's going to be." She said he got used to it.

I told her that her husband wasn't a complete nutcase like mine who would complain every time he looked at the thing. SHe said he did too,mumbling under his breath, really getting angry if it was "in his way". But that she was able to remain calm and just say it's not going anywhere. They didn't divorce, he didn't have an affair, but she chose not to make him agree with her and just stopped fighting about it.

That's what I'm trying to do... just stop fighting about it and do it.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
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