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User Topic: Long Term Affairs XI I
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 4:27 PM, July 3rd (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So, when I get a trigger, and I do get them, what I try to do is take the time to sit down and take a few minutes to feel the emotion. Sometimes that results in tears or anger or just deep sadness. Whatever that emotion is, I focus on it exclusively for ten or 15 minutes, and then force myself on to something else. Generally, it's something that requires my full attention. IOW I divert myself from that feeling. Sometimes it is difficult to divert myself, but sometimes it is not at all. I have honored my feeling, felt it and then let it move through me, as my IC says. And I am ready to move on.

BT, do you do this alone, what if you're with people, like fnf said, or worse, with my H?

I mean, I pretty much do that, sometimes it takes more than 15-30 minutes to wash over me. Compounded by the overwhelming desire to share it with someone, like that will take some of the sting out.

I tried one of a friends' suggestion when H called me this afternoon. Since I was doing something he would "not have approved of", I said I was doing nothing. When he heard the announcement and the cash register in teh background he was laughing and said, "where are you?" I said "no where, you hear the TV, yeah, that's the ticket, it's the tv". By the time we got to where I really was and what I was doing, the whole tension thing of "I need to control where you are and what you do" think had passed.

It may have to do with us all having off tomorrow.

Which reminds me... Happy 4th to everyone. I know holidays are especially tough, but hoist one and toast each one of us, we'll all be there in spirit.

Hey, I always wanted to ask... what do you Brits do on our Independence Day? Pretend we don't exist????


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
BorrowTrouble
♀ Member
Member # 2435
Default  Posted: 4:56 PM, July 3rd (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Weepy,

I've excused myself from a lot of parties, football games, gatherings of all sorts to give myself time to process something.

But I am pretty rigid about how much time I will allow a trigger to steal from my life. Ten or 15 minutes tops for a really bad one, and then I make myself move on. I generaally don't feel "done" with the feelings at that time, but I divert myself anyway. I really force myself to get into something else.

I was a serious wallower for much of my life. I would go over and over and over hurts ad infinutum. I don't do that anymore. Now it seems like a waste of time.

I will spend lots of time thinking about on-going problems and ways to attack those and make things better. But I limit the time I spend dwelling on the past.

As far as telling someone else to take the sting out of it, I guess I'm just generally a more private person than that. SI is the only place ever where I have shared private information like this (other than IC). Originally I didn't tell people things because I didn't want anyone to know how fucked up I was. Now I don't tell people because it usually is enough for me to know it.

BT


D-day 7/29/04.

Posts: 5711 | Registered: Oct 2003
hearbroken
Member
Member # 8317
Default  Posted: 9:31 AM, July 4th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FNF,

On the note of triggers you ask:

So, BT, what would you recommend because I can't turn off all the "noise" and I need to find a way to deal with my triggers. Any suggestions would be so very much appreciated

Now I'm not as far along from dday as BT is (and I am far from the eloquent and insightful speaker that she is)... but I amjust a few months farther than you. I agree with BT on this point:

I generaally don't feel "done" with the feelings at that time, but I divert myself anyway.
For me, I just live with and acknowledge that there will be triggers for the rest of my life. This is also where the overwhelming grief of losing my baby boy actually prepared me for this grief of the LTA. You see, every time I hear of another person's loss it "triggers" me or i.e. it takes me back to my loss. Every time I am at a family gathering I trigger- b/c my son is not there. ButI realized that this is all part of it- there was a loss there and I am allowed to "feel" it no matter how long it is after. I really and truly think that the LTA is like this, too. No matter how good the R after, there is a peice of all of us that has a loss that can never be replaced. And it is natural to "feel" that when things come up.. I trigger with movies sometimes- with the place where that HO lives-etc. But I allow myself to feel it and to acknowledge my pain/anger/loss. And sometimes it might put me in a "mood" for the day, but you know by the next day it is a new day and those feelings are gone again for the time being.

Another thing that I did to help me through the specific triggers that were A related- at one point in our first year after dday my H wrote a letter of apology to me (he was timid about doing this, but our MC helped him along). There is also a few cards that are particularly meaningful from him. When I get all triggery, I pull myself away from everything and read that letter or those cards. To remind myself that I am loved now, that the past is the past. I actually do something similar sometimes with the grief about my baby son- I pull out his memory book, allow myself to feel the feelings and look through that part of my life, and then pray. If you are spiritual, praying or meditating or just using relaxation techniques can also help you through a trigger.

If your H is in tune and you can count on him, you can also use him to help you through. If you need extra affection, etc. have a key word he knows to tell him you are triggering, say the word and let him comfort you (if you are far enough along in your process that this could help).

Well, I just wanted to share in case my experience helps anyone here... the "trigger" topic is one that is universal for all us BS's...

HAPPY 4th!!!!

HB


Dday1 8/05 (LTA)
Dday2 4/09 (online EA 2 weeks then confessed)
Dday 3 8/10 ("full disclosure" of more infidelity prior to 2009)

Posts: 869 | Registered: Sep 2005
BorrowTrouble
♀ Member
Member # 2435
Default  Posted: 9:44 AM, July 4th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HB,

I've been thinking of you. I hope whatever has been crowding your plate has resolved itself somewhat.

**********

Happy Indpendence Day everyone. My baby boy comes back from his first ever away camp today. Can't wait.

BT


D-day 7/29/04.

Posts: 5711 | Registered: Oct 2003
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 12:22 PM, July 4th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Happy Independence Day, my American friends!!!

(Weepy, as a non-Brit living in the UK, its a bit challenging trying to avoid the holiday.I dont know how many times I have heard "American Pie" on the radio this week. )

Hope you all have a good holiday!
So is everyone having a BBQ? I LOVE BBQs!
Ok, I love food.

***
HB, Any way we can help?

I can see what you mean about your baby's death kind of preparing you for the LTA aftermath.
I wish I had kept a memory book. All I have is his hospital band, a blanket I bought for him and a maternity shirt I lived in for most of that time. I remember holding him after in the hospital and H asked if I wanted a photo taken...and I was horrified. A photo of my dead baby...it seemed so blasphemous....and I later regretted that. It would have helped when I told the kids. Ah well.

***
Ukg, how are you doing?
HAve you decided what you are doing for you birthday yet?

***

((((LTA Tribe))))


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 12:47 PM, July 4th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My baby boy comes back from his first ever away camp today

BT, I bet you have his fav dinner all lined up already.

My DS also had a milestone event of sorts today. HE went out alone with his mates for the first time ever. Ok it was only to one of the the local school's 4th July fair, but he has never been one to socialise, so this one is a biggie for him.

H is more stressed about it than me. I am surprisingly calm...DS gave me all the info I needed, he knows the rules, and I guess I trust him not to do anything stupid. Saying that, there had so better not be any talk of girls!


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 4:19 AM, July 5th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LostH, I find it interesting how we all relate to the jewellery theme. They are just possessions, but somehow have a different meaning after DDay. I was never bothered about getting married. It seemed like a good idea at the time while H was sorting out the next bit of his career and our first house purchase. I didn’t wear my band all the time b/c at 22ct it’s quite soft so doing weights at the gym, gardening and diy it was on my dresser. It didn’t realise a significance until after DDay when I took it off and gave it to him. And then a couple of weeks later I took all the stuff he had bought me during the affair and put it away. And then when I read “five and twenty is time a plenty, no need for more …” I took that as a sign and packed away everything else he had ever given me. Now I’m a costume jewellery queen! (Nothing over £30!)

I was wondering if anyone has seen the Sex in the City movie.

Having read some of the vents let off about that film, I think I’ll give it a miss. As to triggering in general, I’ve been more annoyed than tearful. I still turn the radio over if certain songs come on, avoid reading some stuff in the papers or mags, find other things to do on certain dates, I do not allow H to read me poetry (or read aloud to me in bed) Some triggers get to me more than others. It really does depend on my mood. Yesterday, being a “Friday” day, was worse than others. Mainly b/c that’s when he saw her in the pm before coming home. She finishes lunchtime on a Friday. So that is my day out. I get in my car, go to piano and then disappear. Now he expects it. But, you know what? I don’t care. I never knew where he was, so he has NO RIGHT to know my movements. Some times I’ll just go to the cathedral and listen to the recital, do the shop and go home, others I’ll drive down to where she lives and mooch around and sometimes I try to do something different. But I’m always dressed up. Nice outfit, makeup and I want to feel good about myself. I don’t dwell on the triggers. They sit in my mind for a bit and then I sigh and try to let them go.

I've excused myself from a lot of parties, football games, gatherings of all sorts to give myself time to process something.

Much the same here. Before DDay, I had time pretty much filled up with doing things, going places and seeing people. In the immediate aftermath, I went into bunker mode and nothing was going to dig me out. I tried for a while, but it all seemed so pointless. My courses stopped, my going out stopped, I avoided seeing anyone who was not “in the know”. Now I’m in a state of apathy and can’t be bothered. I guess that will pass in time. It is getting better.

We have the opera singing bf staying and on the Friday after my b’day, we have free tickets to the evening performance. And his b’day is the day before or the day after mine, which has lessened the dread for me. It’s been great listening to his practicing. And he has a music degree, so he plays piano too. Which is therapy for my soul, even if he doesn't know it!

Have a good weekend Tribe.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
still breathing
♀ New Member
Member # 8592
Default  Posted: 9:44 AM, July 5th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello everyone. We're still fighting here but we did manage to have a few good hours yesterday to just enjoy the holiday. My kids are all on vacation with grandma, which is kind of a blessing because I don't have to worry about forcing myself to put on a happy face. But at the same time, I miss them terribly. They are my stability and my motivation and I probably spend way too much time wallowing when they are not near.

I know you mentioned MC'ing in previous posts. If you haven't seen one in a while, I would insist on an emergency one right away.

Although this may be an option is the near future, its not at the moment. We gave up a large chunk of income when he quit the open mics and i just can't afford anything beyond bills and food until we make up for that. Same goes for an attorney meeting, really.

Have you talked to his or your parents? Would this be going too far or hurt them unnecessarily?
I have not told either of our parents. My parents are constantly in limbo about my dads health. I know that they would be loving and supportive but I just can't fathom adding more stress. They would put themselves out for me and the kids and they are already working on low reserves. I often consider telling his parents but I always stop myself. I love his mom very much and I just don't want her to feel the hurt and disappointment that I have gone through. It would devastate her and I'm trying to protect her.

And why is she always buying him gifts? What does he do with them?
He does not accept them anymore, but it was a huge part of their relationship in the past. The other week she tried to give him a CD and did not accept it. His birthday just past and he did not accpet her gift. He never bought her anything. Not one single thing. At least I don't have to deal with the jewelry and gift triggers.

Why is he so incapable of shutting her out of his life? It is one thing for her to show up, it is quite another for him to engage in conversation with her once she is there
I don't know. He doesn't get the fact that by talking to her he is still in a relationship with her. Albeit a negative and toxic relationship, but a relationship none the less.

A great father would want what is absolutely best for his children and staying out all night, talking to a psychotic OW for 4 hours certainly is not in the best interest of your M and therefore not in their best interest

I do agree with you. But I also recognize that we a great co-parents and will continue to be great co-parents if we separate. We both go to great strides to make sure our children are not in the middle of our marriage. This is one area where I don't care if its his fault or my fault or the neighbors fault. Whether or not we stay married, my kids need their dad. He does love his kids. He may not love me. That may be something I have to come to peace with.


Me - BS 31
Him WH 33
3 kids, 9, 4 and 2

DDAY#1 9/30/05 False R
DDAY#2 3/13/08 blindsided


Posts: 22 | Registered: Oct 2005
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 10:30 AM, July 5th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you so much BT, HB, Weepy, LH and UKG for your responses. I know what you are saying is very true about not allowing yourself to dwell too long on the negative feelings and for the most part I am able to do that. I liked BT's suggestion to give myself a limited amount of time to "grieve" and then to move on. I do think I try to do that most of the time. It is only when the trigger relates to a particularly sensitive area that I need a few days to recover. Hence, the Sex in the City trigger.
Not wanting to give anything away in re: to the movie, I will just keep this brief. One area that I have been almost completely unable to resolve in my own head is the fact that my H was able to live this life for so long with no qualms, sense of guilt, or sense of responsibility to me or our children. He admits he felt entitled, never felt guilty and probably would still be in the A if he had not been caught. (That's the other major piece of my unresolved issue - he never confessed.) He very possibly would still be in this had he not been caught. So the movie has a scene where one of the men has a ONS and is so guilt-ridden, he confesses and shows a great deal of remorse, regret and compassion for the pain he caused. It was such a stab in the heart to sit through that (don't say it, I should have walked out ). I was so overwhelmed with those old feelings of hurt, confusion, etc., because to this day I can't understand how he could have lived this life for so long with absolutely no guilt or shame. To see this character in the movie so overwhelmed with guilt for a ONS just brought up to the surface some of the issues I try not to think about because they are just too painful for me. Never in all of our months of C'ing and in all of our discussions since d-day, I have been able to get my H to give me some satisfactory explanation for his ability to live this life. It always brings me to the point of asking, What kind of man are you?? Who is this man I am married to?
For those of you whose H's have confessed, I would think this makes recovery somewhat easier. At least you know that they KNEW and acknowledged the wrong they were doing. To have a H who admits to no guilt, to a sense of entitlement, to a "I was keeping you both happy", to as long as you didn't know you weren't getting hurt (let's not even go there) kind of attitude, I am left with so many unresolved feelings.
On a positive note:
If your H is in tune and you can count on him, you can also use him to help you through. If you need extra affection, etc. have a key word he knows to tell him you are triggering, say the word and let him comfort you.

I can honestly say that my H is very caring and sensitive when I have one of my down days. He will sit and listen to me and hold me while I cry but even then he cannot answer me satisfactorily on the issue of having a conscience that would have made it impossible to live this life.
So that is why this movie was so tough for me.
I think I have come to the realization but not quite the acceptance of this disturbing flaw in my H's character.
Thank you again for your heartfelt posts. They help so much.
SB - I can only send you lots of hugs and support as you work through this. From your responses I guess the one area that you might have to consider if your H doesn't soon go completely NC would be to tell his mom. I'll be curious to see if others agree or have better suggestions.


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 10:35 AM, July 5th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was wondering if we could have "a show of hands" for those whose H's confessed and those who had to get caught to stop.
For those of you whose S had to get caught, would you share with me anything that you read or worked on in C'ing or any other helpful suggestion that helped you work through this.
Thank you again for everyone's posts.
Hugs to all!


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
still breathing
♀ New Member
Member # 8592
Default  Posted: 10:55 AM, July 5th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Forgive, I so appreciate your support. When I think about this with my "rational brain" it totally sends me into a tailspin. I feel like such a dumbass. I am a strong woman. I am a feminist! I am creative and resourceful. I know I am totally capable of being a single mother and giving my kids a good life. I know i deserve more. No one else in the world would ever be able to fuck with me so completely. I can stand up for myself. And yet, whenever it comes down to it, i just can't be stronger when it comes to my husband. What is wrong with me? Why can't I just let go of this crappy ass marriage and move on to better things? Why does this reduce me to a person I have no respect for. I think about someone ever treating my daughter this way and i would kill that person.

As for confessions, he confessed on his own on DDay#1. On DDay#2 he got caught in the process of "breaking it off for good". I kow when the A started, there was the sense of entitlement but i think he has carried a lot of guilt and remorse for many years. Didn't stop him, though. I don't think it makes it any easier for me that he felt guilt and hates himself for it because it never made him change.

Last week, before all this started again, we had a long conversation about how he just wants to be a good person. He knows he has lost the respect of many people he really admires and his goal now is to rebuild that trust and respect of everyone, not just me. He's doing a poor job.


Me - BS 31
Him WH 33
3 kids, 9, 4 and 2

DDAY#1 9/30/05 False R
DDAY#2 3/13/08 blindsided


Posts: 22 | Registered: Oct 2005
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 10:59 AM, July 5th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WH confessed before OW blew the lid off.

She’d phoned the house three times in one evening – one very late at around midnight. They were silent. I took a note of the number and told DS3 to get his mobile phone sorted. Assumed the wrong thing there!! So he told me. I was dumbstruck. Shocked to the core. But unless one of them had said something, I would never, ever have known. Never. She was the perfect affair partner - until DDay.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 11:09 AM, July 5th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was wondering if we could have "a show of hands" for those whose H's confessed and those who had to get caught to stop

Fnf,
I started replying to this, (after 3 paras)then realised that I need to think it through first.
Will get back to you later.

***
Ukg, you are sounding better. Glad the operasinging, pianoplaying bf of your friend's DD(did I remember that right..lol), is bringing some light relief your way.

Though I am going to give you a little 2x4:

others I’ll drive down to where she lives and mooch around

No, UKg.
Please, for YOUR sake, you are going to have try to let her go. She has taken so much already of your life, Ukg. Dont give her anymore. She is so NOT, and never was, worth it.

(((ukg))))

****
((((StillB))))

Those early days are rough.
Hope you are taking care of yourself. I used to find going for long walks by myself soothing.


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 11:24 AM, July 5th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But unless one of them had said something, I would never, ever have known. Never. She was the perfect affair partner - until DDay.

Ditto to this too. I was also completely blindsided, especially since the OW pretended to be my friend. I can't tell you how many times I knew they were together, how many times I encouraged him to look after her following her H's death. I even left them in our home alone to work on a project and I ran out to take care of errands. It makes me absolutely crazy to think of how much trust I had in the two of them. Looking back I know she lived with a lot of guilt - always on AD's, drank too much, looked like hell all the time and had trouble sleeping. Later, she started avoiding me and I did wonder why but I NEVER, EVER, EVER thought she was fucking my H.
On a side note, I had a dream the other night that I was bashing her head into a concrete wall and several times she got away from me and I caught her and continued to bash her head in. Felt damn good I can tell you. As they say, only in your dreams.
I think about someone ever treating my daughter this way and i would kill that person.

SB - Now this I can completely relate to. Why do we protect our children with a fierceness and yet not protect ourselves with that same intensity? I do believe in your case though with three very young children there are many reasons why you are not making any rash decisions. Do not beat yourself up over this. You may need to make some tough decisions eventually, but I would never have wanted to make them too quickly and I'm sure you feel the same way.
(((SB)))


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 11:51 AM, July 5th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SB, I put off telling the IL’s for a year. Then I thought that maybe it was a reason for him staying with me – knowing how much his parents love me. So I drove down and told them. It was hard, but at least they knew what was wrong with me. They were extremely upset and couldn’t understand why he would want to renew such a destructive relationship. His mother’s words were “I thought we’d seen the last of her” said it all. If you think you will have their support, then I’d bring them in on the loop. My parents are older than his – my Dad’s 84 and my Mum 80. And my Dad would be very angry at my H. To tell them would make me feel that I had failed somehow.

He doesn't get the fact that by talking to her he is still in a relationship with her.

He has to understand that OW is happy to have any feedback from him. Anything at all. I had the problem of my H continuing to text and talk by phone to his OW, thinking that she would eventually go away. Errr, NO! No response. None. Not a hello or hi, a nod or accepting even a glass of water if he is dying of thirst. Nothing.

But I also recognize that we a great co-parents and will continue to be great co-parents if we separate.

That one is very hard. Very, very hard. There are few who can do it while going through S and/or D. The children are going to be affected however “successful” you may appear at the co-parenting. And there is quite a period of time when it is difficult, to say the least.

If MC/IC is currently out of the question, go the book route. I know most people say about After The Affair by Katie Coston, but I’m going to say it too. It’s the ebook and one that my H has read. He said it gave him lightbulb moments and made him realise what he had to do. Not that he’s done it yet. And Why Women Talk & Men Walk and Not Just Friends. At least you’ll be doing something constructive and it will give you talking points. WWT&MW has questionnaires.
*****

H was able to live this life for so long with no qualms, sense of guilt, or sense of responsibility to me or our children.

Now this I found hard to understand. H said that while he was with her, he had no sense of guilt. It was only when he came home. Talk about screwed up.

as long as you didn't know you weren't getting hurt (let's not even go there) kind of attitude

I assumed that from the very start. I was never supposed to know. Unless he chose her.
*****
I know I deserve the 2x4. I shouldn’t go, but I still want to do that canal walk to “their” pub and “their” bench. It always seems to be raining when I go. And (I’ll try to be clear here!) the opera singer is the bf of a DD of a very good friend of mine (we had our kids at the same time). This very good friend lives in a village equidistant the other side of the same market town as OW. And this very good friend works in a government building less than a quarter of a mile outside OW’s village. And she has drunk in the very same pub as WH and OW. But. FWH didn’t know she worked there, he thought she worked 30 miles away at another building. He was shocked when I told him!


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 12:31 PM, July 5th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LH - I'm waiting!
Well, you're off the hook for now. I have to go to another holiday picnic but I'll be back on when I get home.
Seriously, thank you all for your posts. They help so much.
Hugs to us all.


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 12:55 PM, July 5th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just have a minute while H is napping and I'm supposed to be transcribing...

He's still being a bit of an ass, but I'm trying to be as sweet as pie and not freak out like when he couldn't find the newspaper I told him was on the dining room table or one of the chairs. I had no clue YESTERDAY's paper was there also. So he picked up the wrong one and got huffy... you know the big sighs, the stare right at you and say "nothing's wrong" thing. So I just said "I told you it was in there, just wasnt' sure where." HE said he didn't hear me, so I shouted at him for like the next hour. Including things like "I LOVE YOU", did you HEAR THAT????? And he's just realized he's going to be alone all day tomorrow and him and the kids Monday and Tuesday while I go to the shore. He just had such a dear in the headlights look it was funny.

I was wondering if we could have "a show of hands" for those whose H's confessed and those who had to get caught to stop.
For those of you whose S had to get caught, would you share with me anything that you read or worked on in C'ing or any other helpful suggestion that helped you work through this.

Mine stopped, got caught in a different lie, a different female meeting and then when I searched for info on that, found the old one. He had no choice but to confess then.

He was never going to tell. NEVER.

Does it make things harder.... unbelievably and I have a hard time with the "men with conscience" I see around me and in tv and movies. Thing is, he used to have one, but it's gone completely, there's no pang of "uh oh, that was wrong" going on with him at all.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
still breathing
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Default  Posted: 1:31 PM, July 5th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think MC gave us After the Affair after DDay#1. But I think I returned it to her. I'll have to check.

I had the problem of my H continuing to text and talk by phone to his OW, thinking that she would eventually go away. Errr, NO!

How long did it go on? How did you deal with it? What brought him to a place to stop?


Me - BS 31
Him WH 33
3 kids, 9, 4 and 2

DDAY#1 9/30/05 False R
DDAY#2 3/13/08 blindsided


Posts: 22 | Registered: Oct 2005
UKgirl
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Default  Posted: 2:12 PM, July 5th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had the problem of my H continuing to text and talk by phone to his OW, thinking that she would eventually go away. Errr, NO!

He told me on the night of 29th July. When I got back from his bf’s house, I threw his phone at him and told him he could ring her and tell her that he’d confessed. There were a couple of texts and a short call. He said it was time for “closure” on the affair. That it was over. He said that she was texting him and he was sending her platitudes. Nothing much, eventually (b/c I knew), she’d go away. I wanted him to stop (hadn’t found this site then) Even MC had told him to go NC. He said the same to her. He was sending one text to her twenty. I don’t think he realised how many he was sending. I thought every other day or something. Of course, initially there weren’t many, but they built up again until it was several times a day.

Then a couple of months later, he got copy invoices for his phone as he hadn’t claimed them on expenses for several months. The phone company sent everything from the beginning of the year, including details of all calls and texts. I photocopied them. He was texting her up to a dozen times a day. And calling her. Every day. At weekends, when we were on holiday, at 4am, 1am, all hours of the day and night, every day when he walked the dogs at 6.30am. A couple of months after DDay, he went to Switzerland for an interview, I went through the detailed invoices, highlighting every text and call. I got more and more upset. I realised it would also tell me when they were together. Anyway, the evening FWH flew out, OW texted me. I had sent her one “fuck off” text a few days before, as a friend had suggested. OW’s text said that I didn’t know about the last five years and it was better that I didn’t. I was on the phone to this friend when I got the text. I then got a text from FHW saying to call him. So I rang and asked when he had last texted her. About an hour before. Well, I went almost hysterical. I told him to stop NOW and he said I didn’t know what she was capable of, that she could be very vindictive. I told him in no uncertain terms that HER I could deal with. I had NO problems sorting her out. SHE was not the problem. It was HIS LYING I couldn’t deal with. And she could have him. I was finished.

He never sent her another text and he never rang her again. Five weeks later, she turned up on the doorstep, just as he had feared. He was taking DS3 to work (a Sunday) when she knocked. I leant on the doorjamb, crossed my arms and said “Oh. It’s you. What do you want” she said a couple of time she had stuff to return to my H, I told her I didn’t want it and shut the door in her face. Later there was a confrontation on the petrol station forecourt when H said he didn’t love her, had never loved her and told her to go home.

She carried on sending texts about how much she loved him and all of that crap. Sometimes I read them, sometimes I didn’t. She carried on for MONTHS. And then I texted her when FWH said he “couldn’t remember” her b’day (last time he was with her). So it went on until the full year round from DDay. The last one was probably 14mths after DDay.

The woman was slightly deranged. But then it wasn’t surprising, considering what my H (her ex-fiance) had done to her.

Sorry, that was a bit long, wasn't it?? Hope it doesn't sound too much like a rant.

[This message edited by UKgirl at 2:13 PM, July 5th (Saturday)]


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
UKgirl
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Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 2:27 PM, July 5th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had no clue YESTERDAY's paper was there also. So he picked up the wrong one and got huffy...

Well, let him read yesterday’s for crying out loud. I bet the news hasn’t changed that much. If he’d have wanted up to date, he should watch it on tv.

Get your bag packed and enjoy some quality time away from him. You deserve it. How does he manage to act the ass so much of the time? Practise maybe?


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
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