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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affairs XI I
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 1:23 PM, July 14th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

UKG - I was wondering if part of the reason you are so upset is because he went ahead and made this important decision without coming to you to discuss his options. Something about the way he said, "He had made a conscious choice and would not be led by emotional decisions" made me think this was possible.
They made so many bad decisions during the A years and left us out of the loop so to speak and now I know for me it is extremely important that decisions that affect us both need to be considered and decided by us both.


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 1:50 PM, July 14th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He said it was too late and his credibility would be in question. And then he said he was decisive in his business decision making. He had made a conscious choice and would not be led by emotional decisions.

Okay, UKgirl - I am handing you my LARGE cast iron skillet. Now go wump your H up side of the head. This entire line of reasoning is so completely fucked considering 1) what fucking credibility buddy? 2) well, glad you are decisive in your BUSINESS making decisions as CLEARLY you need to work on the personal decisions and 3) you might want to work on the conscious choice part too!!!!

AAAAAAGHHHH! I'm frustrated and I am not even married to him....


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 3:02 PM, July 14th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all.

I can't reconcile his words with his actions. The 2nd year has been worse in many ways than the 1st since Dday.

LostSuol, the 2nd year was much much harder than the first, like FNF said. It was so bloody awful, and sometimes just bloody.

I cant remember whether you are in IC, but if you are not, please book in. You need a safe place IRL to vent.SI and my IC kept me away from a homicide convictipn.

((((lostsuol)))))

***

Instead, i have a A who is now trying hard, but treasuring me is just not in the picture. I think I still grieve for that,

SoLost, your H has been doing many things right in R. He may not have treasured you in the past, but I get the sense that he will in the future...he sounds like he is on the road to it!

The what-ifs get us all at some point. But theres just no guarantees even in the sweetest of romances, are there? Still, sometimes when you are down, its comforting to reminisce about the time when...

***

If we decide to R, then we need to do it

Lovin,I enjoy your cheery posts so much.

However, many of us here give our all in R, but we have spouses who do not, so it just makes it that much more challenging.KWIM?

***

Ukg, I am going to hold your H's head down when you lift that skillet...

I would also be very upset, and for the same reason Fnf mentioned. He should have consulted with you, or even better, think of it himself.

This is a triggery time for you, and all these little things are going to be huge.

Do you think going for lunch would make it better or worse? It does give him an opportunity to make it up to you.

((((Ukg)))))


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 3:05 PM, July 14th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Psssst Ukg!

I doubt I will log in again in the morning, so

HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY my friend!!!!

May this year bring you some peace, contentment, some adventure, and lots of laughs and and above all,much love.


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
lovinlife
♀ Member
Member # 17863
Default  Posted: 6:04 PM, July 14th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LostHeart,

I do get it and I am sorry that so many spouses won't do the necessary work. It's so unfair.... sending hugs and hope, that ALL WS's get their shit together soon, and show their love and desire for their BS's.


Together more than half our lives.

I am woman, hear me ROAR!!
What you accept, you teach!

Me 53, WS 54
Reconciled for life!
DD 24, DS 27


Posts: 1159 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: Missouri
lostsuol
♀ Member
Member # 13706
Default  Posted: 3:17 AM, July 15th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Happy birthday UKgirl!

Posts: 808 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Canada
BorrowTrouble
♀ Member
Member # 2435
Default  Posted: 5:56 AM, July 15th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, happy birthday UK. Do something really nice for yourself and let others do for you, too.


D-day 7/29/04.

Posts: 5711 | Registered: Oct 2003
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 6:15 AM, July 15th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just a quick pop in to say Happy Bday UKG.

I have to run again this morning so I'll be back...


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 7:35 AM, July 15th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Happy birthday, UKG. I hope the sun is shining for you today.
(((UKG)))


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
lovinlife
♀ Member
Member # 17863
Default  Posted: 7:38 AM, July 15th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, DEAR UKG...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!!!

Have a wonderful day.


Together more than half our lives.

I am woman, hear me ROAR!!
What you accept, you teach!

Me 53, WS 54
Reconciled for life!
DD 24, DS 27


Posts: 1159 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: Missouri
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 9:31 AM, July 15th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Happy Birthday UKG - I hope you have a really great day!!!


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 1:23 PM, July 15th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ukg, the days almost over here...I hope your day has been good...and the sun shined too!!

***
YEsterday, in IC, we spoke about the difficulty I have allowing H (or anyone else for that matter) do something nice for me, without wanting to "pay" them back tenfold.

Does anyone else have this issue, and how have you resolved it/are resolving it?

IC told me that unless I learn how to receive openly, I wont be able to give openly.

Of course I had to argue this - havent I been giving and giving openly the whole M?
She said no.

Mmmmmm....

On the bright side, things are still going well with H and me <touch wood>.He is still depressed but trying hard to be good to us.

I find myself letting my guard down at times, then I get nervous, and withdraw. Guess it will take time.

Just thought I would share that update.

***
Hope the Tribe is doing well.


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 3:59 PM, July 15th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey, what are we doing as #10 in "I Can Relate"???? Don't we have any product placement guarantees?

Lost - from what I know of you, giving hasn't exactly been your problem. I think working on receiving (especially from OURSELVES) is probably a good idea.

UKGirl - hope your day was good.


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
hearbroken
Member
Member # 8317
Default  Posted: 10:23 PM, July 15th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

UKG,

HAPPY, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! I hope the day was whatever you wanted it to be for you. By the way, one of my family here was also celebrating a birthday So you are in good company.

Hugs to all the tribe!
HB


Dday1 8/05 (LTA)
Dday2 4/09 (online EA 2 weeks then confessed)
Dday 3 8/10 ("full disclosure" of more infidelity prior to 2009)

Posts: 869 | Registered: Sep 2005
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 6:53 AM, July 16th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you so much for your birthday wishes. Believe it or not, it was really nice and made me smile. And I got a cake in F&G. What a lovely bunch of people we have here and I do think I’m so lucky to have found this safe haven.

Well, the birthday kind of went ok. Went to the gym in the morning as if it was a no-special day. Then showered and put on a dress so that he could take me to lunch. We went to our local Italian and shared a bottle of wine. On the way home, I booked my mani/pedi treat for this afternoon. While we were in the restaurant, he said he had a poem he wanted to read to me. I said no. He tried several times and each time I told him I didn’t want to hear it. I did not want to get upset and I did not want to have the day marked in any way. He then asked if he could read it to me later. I said no. I did let him give me a card, which he wrote that he loved me forever and our marriage was and is and that we are always changing. It’s very sad because even while he was having his affair, he would still say that he loved me and that it was forever and that the best thing he ever did was marrying me and I wonder if he just lives his whole life in sentimental-la-la-land.

This morning I said about him not texting or calling OW on my birthday and asked was that the same every year – those 24hrs allocated to me? He said there were two dates – my birthday and our wedding anniversary. (Oh thank you) And that he would tell her to not expect contact on those dates. I thought how weird and twisted that was. After all, what did it matter? I didn’t know, so why the big deal about keeping her out on those dates? And anyhow, he did text her on what I would consider to be still my birthday – it was six mins after midnight. So strictly speaking it was the 16th. But I mean really, I wasn’t going to be upset about something I didn’t even know about, was I? And - one thing I didn't ask - Did he allocate dates for her/them? Hmm. Maybe I don't want to know.

I guess the whole point is that he was living in another world. Even when he was with me, he wasn’t. And now, I’m not “with” him. How could I have allowed myself to be so reliant on him that when he hit me with the confession I fell apart and was unable to cope or think for so long? How could I have allowed myself to be taken for granted and for such a fool? So now I am the one who’s a step removed.

DS1&2 are getting a substantial amount of Australian tax back, so that will help to fund their next stage of travelling. I don’t think they have a schedule yet, but DS2 is thinking of travelling over to Asia. I pointed out MOW’s kids on Facebook today. One is in Sydney. He said that if we had emigrated over there, it wouldn’t have been far enough away to stop her. And I thought, yeh, with our surname, we’d be easy to look up and find.

My, what a self absorbed rambling post. Just had to get it down. The birthday/not texting thing. What was he thinking? Written down, it still doesn't make sense. The man I have never known is my husband and father to my children.

[This message edited by UKgirl at 6:57 AM, July 16th (Wednesday)]


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 7:29 AM, July 16th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This morning I said about him not texting or calling OW on my birthday and asked was that the same every year – those 24hrs allocated to me? He said there were two dates – my birthday and our wedding anniversary. And that he would tell her to not expect contact on those dates. I thought how weird and twisted that was. After all, what did it matter? I didn’t know, so why the big deal about keeping her out on those dates? And anyhow, he did text her on what I would consider to be still my birthday – it was six mins after midnight. So strictly speaking it was the 16th. But I mean really, I wasn’t going to be upset about something I didn’t even know about, was I?

UKG, I'm beginning to believe myself that these kind of details are only hurting us. They know it was wrong, that it was a "false" concession to you, NC on your birthday or anniversary or Christmas or whatever.

One really big deal to me was that he got a Bday BJ from OW who took over since he wasn't allowing any sex with me. HE swears he was never with anyone or anything on any of the "family" days, like birthdays, holidays and that he "made a special effort" to be present in the family on those days.

When he sold his truck and cleaned it out a year after Dday, I found a motel receipt from DD's birthday. Not only that, he worked with DS all morning. H was so proud that he was actually working along side his son, kept making a point of what a great time they were having. The motel receipt matched up with a bank withdrawal (to cover the whore and the motel) at noon that day. So he worked with our son (13 at the time), it started to rain so they knocked off, drove him home, told both kids he had some errands to run, went to the bank, had his whore and came home in time for dinner and cake.

His response when confronted with that lie? Was to say he "forgot", maybe he had done that. MY point was that he didn't honor anything about us during that time, not that day or any other, so why was his birthday off limits... it wasn't. I know it wasn't despite his protests... because his birthday is always a huge event complete with his taking off from work and "doing whatever he wanted to do" for as long as I've known him. And he makes sure everyone know's it's his birthday (it's on a major holiday here) and he said OW knew it was his birthday too. (duh! he probably reminded her every year) HE SAYS because he told her he wouldn't be seeing her on family days.

Motel receipts dated days before major holidays or family days didn't count for him either.

So remain hurt by it, or chalk it up to his complete and total idiocy and put the onus where it belongs, on him. He knows he dishonored you by making that call 6 minutes after your birthday officially ended. And though he doesn't think about every minute detail of his dishonor or betrayl, in the big picture he knows.

I think it's really hard for us to realize that at some point the FWS really does have to let go of those feelings of shame and guilt or they never "get" any recovery. IF we keep pointing out all their faults and negatives and don't allow them to show us the changes, we keep guarded and suspicious we're not letting them give us what we've always deserved.

Now on to me.


I started a gratitude journal. I want the whole family to participate. I think my DD and my H will benefit the most from it, but it's already helping me.

The first entry was "I'm grateful for the job offer I got, even though I didn't take the job."

Yes, I have had 3 different, terrific interviews and one company bent over backwards trying to accomodate me... even was going to make the job part time so I could collect the rest of my unemployment. But the work was not interesting, the work environment was kind of sucky. The people seemed really nice and I really think I could have done the job and gotten along. BUT I would have been bored stiff and when the supplemental income of unemployment ran out, I would have been stuck at a low-paying job I hated... just so I could have some kind of income. I risked "upsetting" H, disappointing the people at the company who were really kind and supportive and guess what? I survived, my marriage is still intact and my H, who was the one pushing me to work even said "Well, if you were going to be unhappy there, it's best you didn't take the job."

I interviewed yesterday for a full time job that is EXACTLY what I want (even if I'd LOVE part time too). The building is beautiful. It's near my old work, so I could see those people on my lunch hour or meet after work for a drink. The work sounds interesting and challenging and the pay is real close to what I was making and there are even annual bonus checks. Great benefits.

The interview I think went well. I was scheduled for an hour, but it lasted 3. I even got my second interview done at the same time. Others have been brought back for it.

So everyone light your candles, cross your fingers, do your voodoo, whatever, send your good thoughts to the personnel department at Lincoln Financial and get me this job! I'm only thinking positive thoughts today.

Love and hugs to all.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 12:00 PM, July 16th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess the whole point is that he was living in another world. Even when he was with me, he wasn’t

Thats right, Ukg.
I didnt even bother asking H what he did on the special days, because I realised that they were never special to him; that he paid them only lip service..and frankly, to hear it out aloud from him now, will just hurt.

Ukg, I am glad that your day was ok-nice. Was a bit worried about you.

As for your H and his stooopiddd poems!!!

***
Lincoln Finance:
Please give yourself a chance to experience Weepy's talent,intelligence, compassion and wisdom.

Uh Weepy, what is it that you do again??


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 1:24 PM, July 16th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As for your H and his stooopiddd poems!!!

Stoopid is as stoopid does!! Maybe I should write a poem about stoopid poems…….

went to the bank, had his whore and came home in time for dinner and cake.

I was going to say that takes the biscuit …. But your H would probably would have had that too.
Is it skewed thinking, or is it somehow making themselves out to be the good guy in their own minds? That they gave themselves some brownie points by being “honourable” or something? Sorry, but I just do not get it.

He knows he dishonored you by making that call 6 minutes after your birthday officially ended.

I just wondered what he said to her. It wouldn’t be that he’d had a lovely meal out with me. It would be to let her know that the day given to me was over. And it was a Saturday, so he spent the whole day with me, he didn’t even go to work.

I started a gratitude journal.

It sounds a great idea. I might think about one myself – but not until July is buried. I need to count my blessings regularly. And I don’t. If I do, it might make me a nicer person to be around. And I think Lincoln Finance would do well to take weepy as a most excellent and worthy employee!

The kitchen calls. Oh, and I have very pretty finger and toe nails!


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 2:01 PM, July 16th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Uh Weepy, what is it that you do again??

I am a woman of many talents, but I'm a financial analyst by trade. Not book learnin' neither.

I bet with they way I turn a words or two, you guys would never guess that I'm a financial wizard, right?

Honestly, I LOOOVVVEEE to do budgets and expenditure analysis. I'm great at picking up spending trends, documentation and procedure manuals. This job would also let me teach the new sales people how to use the finance software for their expense accounts.

Keep it up guys, I really appreciate the support.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 3:31 PM, July 16th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Weepy,
Honestly, I LOOOVVVEEE to do budgets and expenditure analysis

Freakshow!!

I HATE anything to do with numbers.Absolute dread.

I am so hoping that you get this one, Weepy. You are sounding better than you have in a long time...and you havent even started yet!!

When will you know?
Got everything crossed for you.

***
Ukg,

I just wondered what he said to her

He prob wouldnt remember..and really, does it matter? Whatever he said then, whatever he did then....was a whole lot of crap.You know that. It really isnt worth your mind space even pondering that.

So how does it feel to be 50-something,and look 15 years younger, huh?

Put THAT on your top 5 gratitude list!

(((Hi Shirley, Fnf, HB, BT and the rest of the Tribe))) Keeping you all in my thoughts.


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
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