Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
Find a Local Couselor
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: iknowiwillbeok (43219)

I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affairs XI I
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 8:31 AM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Even we have lines you cannot cross.

I think the worst part of being a part of my H's family is that they have absolutely no sense of boundaries. I could share so many stories but then I'd hog up the board and that just wouldn't be nice.
I wanted to add though that I had the sweetest aunt, she died last year and I miss her so much. She loved my H and was so upset when she heard what he did but she never made him feel bad. She told him how disappointed she was in him but that she still loved him. He loved her too.
Anyway, when she heard what this aunt did to me which was years earlier, she never forgave her. She would bring this up over the years and be so upset for me and was like a mother hen to me, always trying to protect me from harm. It was so comforting to know that my family was there for me, and having my aunt care about me like that was a gift I will always be grateful for. God, I feel so lucky to have come from a loving family. I think it is one of the reasons I am able to work with my H. I feel so sorry for him that he came from such an environment.


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 8:37 AM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He didn't defend you, restrain her, say something, anything? Would he now?

He said absolutely nothing. Stood there like the coward he was. Today, I honestly don't know what he would do but I do know what I would do, to the both of them. First I'd kick her ass, then his.
Seriously though, I have learned one thing over my 35 years of M to this man. I have learned how to take care of myself. Like BT and you have said, we have done this for many years and we've done a damn good job of it too. We may not want to go it alone but we do know that if we have to we are very capable of surviving on our own.
Women warriors are we!!!!
(Giving credit to Weepy for this term )


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 8:46 AM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think it is one of the reasons I am able to work with my H. I feel so sorry for him that he came from such an environment.

Me too, FNF, me too.

Today, I honestly don't know what he would do but I do know what I would do, to the both of them. First I'd kick her ass, then his.

And the entire LTA tribe would be there cheering you on!!! So I can't Taser your aunt? Damn, was kind of looking forward to it.


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 8:54 AM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So I can't Taser your aunt

Now Shirley, you do know I couldn't deny one of my "sisters" that pleasure, don't you. But, for the record, she is no aunt of mine! Thank God for that!
Ok, so now I'm on a roll and I said I wouldn't hog the board but I do have to share another story about this woman and then I'll try to restrain myself.
When I was first married I used to go golfing with her. Now in case I haven't mentioned this she was married and divorced 3 times.
Big surprise!
So one day we were out and because it was only the two of us, the 2 guys behind us asked if they could join us. They were my age, handsome, and one was definitely flirting with me. I was uncomfortable but knew I could handle it. After the game, they asked us to join them for drinks. There was no way I would go because there would be no way I would do that first of all but I also wouldn't want my H to do that. His aunt was furious with me. When I told her that I didn't think my H would appreciate me going for drinks with them, she told me not to worry, she wouldn't tell him a thing. It would be between us. AND THIS WAS HIS AUNT!
That was the last time I went golfing with her.


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 9:14 AM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

she told me not to worry, she wouldn't tell him a thing

Nice, very nice, what a supportive family.


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
So Lost
♀ Member
Member # 16801
Default  Posted: 10:38 AM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hurtshirley, no, it's the computer. Our firewall thing suddenly stopped working so all this crap stuff is just not filtered. As I type, a married dating site came up. I check history daily via keylogger, so I know everything he does on the computer unbenownst to him. :) I shouldn't even be on as I'm sure a virus is going to sneak in one of these times. It's just so disconcerting.

Hearbroken, so is the mil not coming?? I agree, we leave our families and get married, then the spouse is the priority always.

(((JoePike))) Wow, I cannot imagine the point of marriage if you are going to start an A then. I swear, people can be so stupid.

The idea of our H or spouses not loving us during the affair strikes such a cord/nerve with me. God that hurts. To not be loved. Not be wanted or needed. In my saner moments, I can understand (not condone, but somewhat see how it played out) the affair. It got to be a habit that was easier to stay in. Towards the end I can see how it was more stressful. I called an ambulance 30 times during the affair. Seriously. He has type 1 diabetes and we now think the stress caused all those emergencies b/c go figure, not one since dday. So why do that?? Why deal with all that stress??? And if you don't love me, just freaking leave!!!!!!

It made me nuts when he told me how she would try to talk him in to leaving and tell him how it would be hard on the kids at first but then they would be fine and he could come live with her, blah blah blah. Talking about MY kids. You have got to be kidding me!!! They were 2 and 4 when this all started!!! It just infuriates me.

Sorry, I'm ranting.

FNF, she smacked you???!! I amazed. Family is a big issue here for us but no one knows about the affair, so that dynamic is removed from it all. Not sure if that is a good or bad thing.

Oh, lovely, she would help you be deceiptful. Isn't that a great family member!

I think both of our families would support me except for mil. I think should be kind, but she love her son regardless of anything she was the OW. Use to sneak out on fil when H little and meet her boyfriend. They got divorced when he was two. Also had her 2nd child with a married man about 3 weeks before his wife had her baby. SO I have no respect or her morals and wouldn't even want her support in this. Hence part of why she doesn't know.


Me: BS
Wh: WS
Dday 10/28/07
LTA with coworker
Attempting Reconciliation
he is remorseful, I am willing, we'll see what happens

Posts: 671 | Registered: Oct 2007
Steelergal
♀ Member
Member # 13113
Default  Posted: 11:53 AM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Tribe! Hope everyone is having at least decent summer. Mine has been kind of hectic and limited my amount of time to even lurk the past few months especially with the kiddos home. I'm trying valiantly to do some catching up.

I'm in the "I didn't think you loved me any more" tribe as well, and fnf and Shirley, these posts definitely struck a chord:

UKG - This is the classic "cognitive distortion" line that I'll bet every one of us has heard from our H's. I have and I feel your rage, I really do. They told themselves so many lies during those years. How else could they have lived with themselves while they were fucking someone else? They knew, they had to know, how evil it was but if they could tell themselves these lies, then they could alleviate some of the guilt they were living with.
No doubt it is the most unfair, infuriating and insulting thing to hear from their lying mouths but I believe it IS what they convinced themselves of so they could continue their double lives.
One of the cognitive distortions that my H said to me in front of our MC was, "I didn't think you were carrying your load." I think my MC looked a little afraid of me when I blasted my H for that.
You see, UKG, I too am a SAHM and as I told my H in a screaming rage that day, I was not only carrying my load but I was carrying his as well. I said to him, "Do you think because you were bringing home a paycheck that you were carrying your load? I was carrying my load AND your load during those years." I think that's what makes all of this so hurtful and infuriating. They were off doing "their thing" while we were doing everything to keep our families intact never knowing that while we were trying to preserve our families they were working to destroy them. This is what is so painful to come to terms with and I do think as SAHM's we feel doubly betrayed. If your H was like mine, he was never home during those years. He would go into the office at 7 a.m. and not get home until after 11 P.M. All the while I'm feeling sorry for him that he had such long hours. Little did I know that he was staying late so he could fuck this piece of shit.
And yes, we were doing everything on the homefront to keep our lives running smoothly. We were both mother and father to our children as they progressed from one stage of their lives into the next. We were confidants, college counsellors, homework supporters, proofreaders, entertainers, maid service, the whole nine yards. And all the while our H's diminished the value of our contributions. I understand your rage. I've been there.
My children are all successful and well-adjusted and happy and I feel very justified in assuming the credit for their development as I was the one who walked with them as they struggled into adulthood. I know this is true in your case as well.
We need to acknowledge our contributions and take pride in all that we accomplished on this front. I feel pride every time I am with my children and I sometimes want to gloat knowing that my H cannot take credit for the way our children have turned out.
I did want to comment on the 5 star hotel. You mentioned that the OW's H was very successful and they led a privileged lifestyle. I hope this doesn't upset you but it comes as no surprise that your H felt he had to compete in this - why else did he book a 5 star hotel?
He was in competition and he knew it.
It's part of the game trying to show these OW how they can give them not just what they already have but so much more.
I'm glad for you that your H will be gone for the week. I think you need this break. I think it might also be a good idea to make an IC'ing appointment to work through some of your rage. This is not healthy for you. I also think it might be a good idea to make an appointment for a relaxing massage. Our bodies cannot take continued stress like this and you have been feeling this so intensely for a while now. Don't neglect yourself now. When I look at all the ways our H's indulged themselves over those years, believe me, I have no qualms whatsoever indulging myself in order to survive. Do whatever it takes to bring down your stress level. [AMEN!] Your health depends on it and your peace of mind even more so.
Many, many hugs, UKG.

DD graduated from high school in June with honors miraculously given what has gone on the past almost two years. I will say H gives credit where the credit is due as far as the kiddos are concerned. There was another post several pages back the rankled my ire about our FWHs "babysitting". I heard that word a few too many times when my two oldests were little. I was SAHM too, and H was working long hours so I let it go. Until one day when he said that damn word when I asked him about being available for our youngest, while I went for an appointment. Not surprisingly, unbeknownst to me at the time, it was interfering with OW time. Sixteen years of frustration came pouring out. I told him, "YOU ARE NOT the BABYSITTER or THE SPERM DONOR. YOU ARE THEIR FATHER, and PARENT is NOT ONLY NOUN. My appointment's at 11:00. Be here." If I had only known then...

The key is to understand it was about what they thought love was. They believed love to be the immature infatuation phase of love not the mature deep phase which is of giving. Therefore, once the infatuation wore off, they went looking for that limerance elsewhere.

That is so true in my situation as well, Shirley. Since I wasn't acting like a giggly school girl over him all the time, he ASSumed and convinced himself that I mustn't love him any more. This other person, who was willing to sit by and let him use her, send him dirty text messages and e-mails, be willing lay in wait for him to leave his wife and children must *loooove* him.

[This message edited by Steelergal at 12:08 PM, July 22nd (Tuesday)]


Posts: 701 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: No Cal
Steelergal
♀ Member
Member # 13113
Default  Posted: 12:03 PM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think it is one of the reasons I am able to work with my H. I feel so sorry for him that he came from such an environment.

Ditto, again. Watching H and BIL while we have been trying to get their Mother settled into an assisted living facility has been a real treat and insight to their whole family dynamic. BIL is an even bigger fucktard than I've given him credit for over the years. Short story is we will be responsible for all of MIL's care.

BTW, did I mention that I have been in a very good zone lately.

[This message edited by Steelergal at 12:04 PM, July 22nd (Tuesday)]


Posts: 701 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: No Cal
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 12:11 PM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SG - Welcome back. It's good to see you. And thanks for that laugh - now I know you're in a "good zone."
Babysitter - yeah I cannot even begin to tell you how many times I blasted my H when he asked if I needed him to babysit? Amazing that he didn't come in wearing a helmet when he asked me.
BTW, I love your line - YOU ARE NOT the BABYSITTER or THE SPERM DONOR. YOU ARE THEIR FATHER, and PARENT is NOT ONLY A NOUN. I only regret that my children are all adults now and I won't be able to use it!
Stay in touch. It's always a pleasure to hear from an old friend.
SL - Your MIL sounds like a real gem. It's no wonder these men turned out the way they did. (Joe Pike not included )
And I have to say that I admire your computer talents. Fortunately, my H is not that savvy so I don't need to check him on this but if I did I'd know where to get good direction.


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 12:16 PM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Can you all tell that I'm home for the day. Plumbing issues that have taken all morning. But it's so good to chat with you all.
I am going to suffer severe withdrawal next week since I'll be on vacation. Actually we leave on Thursday and I don't think I'll be able to even lurk while I'm away. This is going to be a real trial for me - tougher than giving up my red wine I think.

At least I have another 24 hours before I have to sign off for a while.


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 1:18 PM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I told him, "YOU ARE NOT the BABYSITTER or THE SPERM DONOR. YOU ARE THEIR FATHER, and PARENT is NOT ONLY NOUN.

Steelergal - welcome back!!! You just made the SI quote thread in F&G with that one...priceless!!!

DD graduated from high school in June with honors

You should be so proud...a testimate to what a great mom you are.

Can you all tell that I'm home for the day. Plumbing issues that have taken all morning.

Ahhh, so that's the secret...we all have to take turns sneaking into FNF's house and trashing some random piece of plumbing...then we will have her all to ourselves.


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 1:38 PM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello all.

Thank you all so much for your support and advice...and not making me feel like an ass for even going through this.

Unfort, my family setup is like BT's. We can not turn away family....no matter how much we would want to.

My mum surprised me today.
She called to find out how I am doing with the SIL coming over, and actually gave me advice similar to all of you.
She said that I should keep myself busy (I will be at work after all!) during the stay; and if SIL steps out of line once, to put her firmly back in her place; to stand up for my self; not to put H in the middle or expect him to fight my battles (it would be nice if he did, but after the recent event with his teen Canadian crushee where he embarassed me in front of my whole family, I shouldnt expect too much from him as he obviously has a hard time making the right choice when under pressure), but if I did stand up for myself, then H had better be next to me!

BT and HB, you are right.
I am NOT that BS from dday. I am me, stronger, tougher and with a bigger mouth. NOBODY will disrespect me in my home again!!!!

I think I can take her on. I just feel so sorry for all those wives in our community that she is going to upset.

****
(((((Fnf)))))
She slapped you!

The bitch.

Speaking of horror family stories:
H's family didnt want us to marry, so they put up some creative obstacles in our way...this one hurt the most.

H's aunt told H that she had proof that I was not a "good girl"; and he went without even checking it out with me first.

She took him and IL's to this family's house (in a town 2 hrs away)where this lady told them that I had been going out with her son and that I was a "bad girl". She confirmed my name, parents etc. Then the aunt's son told H that he had proof that I had been passed around in this boy's group of friends, and that I had been with every one of them.

H believed them. He met me afterwards, and said that he had alot of thinking to do, that he didnt think I was who he thought I was.

I was devastated. I didnt know this boy or his family/friends. I had had 1 boyfriend before H (which everyone knew of already).

Fort, my mum came to the rescue, and fought. To cut a long story short,she confronted this lady, the aunt, everyone and told them it was a pack of lies. H called this alleged boyfriend, who thank God, was not part of this plan, and who confirmed it was all lies. He later got his mother to apologise to us as well.

Still, the damage was done.
I dont know why I stayed with H after that. I guess part of my (negative)belief was that I deserved that treatment. That incident alone should have warned me of H's commitment (lack of), but my self esteem was too low, and I was actually grateful when we got back together again. Pathetic huh?

Some women just dont deserve to be a mother/sister/daughter.They should be banned from the Sisterhood altogether.

Enough hogging.

Will log in again later.

[This message edited by Lost Heart at 1:43 PM, July 22nd (Tuesday)]


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 1:52 PM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She took him and IL's to this family's house (in a town 2 hrs away)where this lady told them that I had been going out with her son and that I was a "bad girl".

(((((LostHeart)))))

Who are these people? I amm really starting to believe in Aliens when I hear these stories. Human beings don't do these things to other human beings. Thank god your mom stood up for you. And, I am glad she is supporting you in this issue as well. Knowing you have her behind you will help give you the strength you need to stand up for yourself against toxic SIL.


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 3:01 PM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Shirley.

It really boggles my mind that these people are women...I guess I just expect so much more from our sex.

***

SoLost,

I'm going back to Si, they'll have something wonderful and helpful to say and no one had posted to me. Silly, I know. I was just feeling so irrational

(((((Solost)))))

Next time, pm one of us. Heck pm a bunch of us. Sometimes it does get slow here, or someone is in a crisis, or we are just feeling too emotional ourselves to post...

How are you feeling now?
Guess that upcoming walk must be pretty sressful.

Can I give you some advice?
Think through this carefully: do you want H or you to be part of that race? Do you think you are ready to face it? If yes, then go for it.Train,get yourself a knockout (walking? )outfit, whatever it takes to make you feel good on that day. You go reclaim this part!!! I am going to assume that you have been cleared by your GP.

BUT if you are not ready emotionally to deal with this (and I understand how this is a trigger esp with the possibility that OW might even be there), DONT GO. AND THAT INCLUDES H.

This race is not worth any of the hassle that might come with it. There will be other races. Dont force yourself to feel/do something that you are not ready for. This healing can only take place at your pace.
I am hoping that your H will be supportive of this.

***
Hey Steelergal!

BTW, did I mention that I have been in a very good zone lately

Wonderful!!!
Just reading this brought a smile to my face.You go girl!

***
Helloooo Fnf. Shirley and I plan to kidnap you one day, and we will do afternoon tea and yack away for hours.

***
BT, I wish I could borrow you or have you on speeddial for the 2 weeks.Sigh.Guess your boys might notice, huh?


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
BorrowTrouble
♀ Member
Member # 2435
Default  Posted: 3:18 PM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She's coming for two weeks? That's excessive.

Course this is pot and kettle because my brood and I are about to descend on my sister for almost that long.


D-day 7/29/04.

Posts: 5711 | Registered: Oct 2003
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 3:34 PM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sisters and sisters are just different though, isnt it, BT?

We used to wonder what it would be like having a brother when we were younger (being just 3 girls), but just this weekend we were saying how lucky we were that we didnt, and how well the 3 of us are getting along as we grow older.


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
BorrowTrouble
♀ Member
Member # 2435
Default  Posted: 3:45 PM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, it is different. I had two sisters, also, AND a brother. My poor brother was always a bit out of it and still is.

And you are going to be just fine with this woman. My guess is that she will sense the change in you very early on and not challenge you at all. But when she does, we'll be ready to help you bitch slap her into next year.

(Not literally, of course.)


D-day 7/29/04.

Posts: 5711 | Registered: Oct 2003
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 3:52 PM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But when she does, we'll be ready to help you bitch slap her into next year.
(Not literally, of course.)

Darn.
With Shirley lasering FNF's aunt, I was feeling a bit left out.
Ah well, I could always do with a cup of coffee!

Thanks BT. I know we all tend to lean on your shoulders (me esp), and I cant imagine how that must feel, so thank you.

And enjoy being spoiled (and spoiling)by your sister.


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
BorrowTrouble
♀ Member
Member # 2435
Default  Posted: 4:12 PM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No airborne coffee, Lost, no matter what.


D-day 7/29/04.

Posts: 5711 | Registered: Oct 2003
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 4:16 PM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Spoilsport, BT!

Goodnight Tribe.Am going to try to sleep tonight.


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
Topic Posts: 1000
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20 · 21 · 22 · 23 · 24 · 25 · 26 · 27 · 28 · 29 · 30 · 31 · 32 · 33 · 34 · 35 · 36 · 37 · 38 · 39 · 40 · 41 · 42 · 43 · 44 · 45 · 46 · 47 · 48 · 49 · 50

Return to Forum: I Can Relate This Topic is Full
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.