Even we have lines you cannot cross.
He didn't defend you, restrain her, say something, anything? Would he now?
I think it is one of the reasons I am able to work with my H. I feel so sorry for him that he came from such an environment.
Me too, FNF, me too.
Today, I honestly don't know what he would do but I do know what I would do, to the both of them. First I'd kick her ass, then his.
And the entire LTA tribe would be there cheering you on!!! So I can't Taser your aunt? Damn, was kind of looking forward to it.
So I can't Taser your aunt
she told me not to worry, she wouldn't tell him a thing
Nice, very nice, what a supportive family.
Hearbroken, so is the mil not coming?? I agree, we leave our families and get married, then the spouse is the priority always.
(((JoePike))) Wow, I cannot imagine the point of marriage if you are going to start an A then. I swear, people can be so stupid.
The idea of our H or spouses not loving us during the affair strikes such a cord/nerve with me. God that hurts. To not be loved. Not be wanted or needed. In my saner moments, I can understand (not condone, but somewhat see how it played out) the affair. It got to be a habit that was easier to stay in. Towards the end I can see how it was more stressful. I called an ambulance 30 times during the affair. Seriously. He has type 1 diabetes and we now think the stress caused all those emergencies b/c go figure, not one since dday. So why do that?? Why deal with all that stress??? And if you don't love me, just freaking leave!!!!!!
It made me nuts when he told me how she would try to talk him in to leaving and tell him how it would be hard on the kids at first but then they would be fine and he could come live with her, blah blah blah. Talking about MY kids. You have got to be kidding me!!! They were 2 and 4 when this all started!!! It just infuriates me.
Sorry, I'm ranting.
FNF, she smacked you???!! I amazed. Family is a big issue here for us but no one knows about the affair, so that dynamic is removed from it all. Not sure if that is a good or bad thing.
Oh, lovely, she would help you be deceiptful. Isn't that a great family member!
I think both of our families would support me except for mil. I think should be kind, but she love her son regardless of anything she was the OW. Use to sneak out on fil when H little and meet her boyfriend. They got divorced when he was two. Also had her 2nd child with a married man about 3 weeks before his wife had her baby. SO I have no respect or her morals and wouldn't even want her support in this. Hence part of why she doesn't know.
I'm in the "I didn't think you loved me any more" tribe as well, and fnf and Shirley, these posts definitely struck a chord:
UKG - This is the classic "cognitive distortion" line that I'll bet every one of us has heard from our H's. I have and I feel your rage, I really do. They told themselves so many lies during those years. How else could they have lived with themselves while they were fucking someone else? They knew, they had to know, how evil it was but if they could tell themselves these lies, then they could alleviate some of the guilt they were living with.
No doubt it is the most unfair, infuriating and insulting thing to hear from their lying mouths but I believe it IS what they convinced themselves of so they could continue their double lives.
One of the cognitive distortions that my H said to me in front of our MC was, "I didn't think you were carrying your load." I think my MC looked a little afraid of me when I blasted my H for that.
You see, UKG, I too am a SAHM and as I told my H in a screaming rage that day, I was not only carrying my load but I was carrying his as well. I said to him, "Do you think because you were bringing home a paycheck that you were carrying your load? I was carrying my load AND your load during those years." I think that's what makes all of this so hurtful and infuriating. They were off doing "their thing" while we were doing everything to keep our families intact never knowing that while we were trying to preserve our families they were working to destroy them. This is what is so painful to come to terms with and I do think as SAHM's we feel doubly betrayed. If your H was like mine, he was never home during those years. He would go into the office at 7 a.m. and not get home until after 11 P.M. All the while I'm feeling sorry for him that he had such long hours. Little did I know that he was staying late so he could fuck this piece of shit.
And yes, we were doing everything on the homefront to keep our lives running smoothly. We were both mother and father to our children as they progressed from one stage of their lives into the next. We were confidants, college counsellors, homework supporters, proofreaders, entertainers, maid service, the whole nine yards. And all the while our H's diminished the value of our contributions. I understand your rage. I've been there.
My children are all successful and well-adjusted and happy and I feel very justified in assuming the credit for their development as I was the one who walked with them as they struggled into adulthood. I know this is true in your case as well. We need to acknowledge our contributions and take pride in all that we accomplished on this front. I feel pride every time I am with my children and I sometimes want to gloat knowing that my H cannot take credit for the way our children have turned out.
I did want to comment on the 5 star hotel. You mentioned that the OW's H was very successful and they led a privileged lifestyle. I hope this doesn't upset you but it comes as no surprise that your H felt he had to compete in this - why else did he book a 5 star hotel?
He was in competition and he knew it.
It's part of the game trying to show these OW how they can give them not just what they already have but so much more.
I'm glad for you that your H will be gone for the week. I think you need this break. I think it might also be a good idea to make an IC'ing appointment to work through some of your rage. This is not healthy for you. I also think it might be a good idea to make an appointment for a relaxing massage. Our bodies cannot take continued stress like this and you have been feeling this so intensely for a while now. Don't neglect yourself now. When I look at all the ways our H's indulged themselves over those years, believe me, I have no qualms whatsoever indulging myself in order to survive. Do whatever it takes to bring down your stress level. [AMEN!] Your health depends on it and your peace of mind even more so.
Many, many hugs, UKG.
DD graduated from high school in June with honors miraculously given what has gone on the past almost two years. I will say H gives credit where the credit is due as far as the kiddos are concerned. There was another post several pages back the rankled my ire about our FWHs "babysitting". I heard that word a few too many times when my two oldests were little. I was SAHM too, and H was working long hours so I let it go. Until one day when he said that damn word when I asked him about being available for our youngest, while I went for an appointment. Not surprisingly, unbeknownst to me at the time, it was interfering with OW time. Sixteen years of frustration came pouring out. I told him, "YOU ARE NOT the BABYSITTER or THE SPERM DONOR. YOU ARE THEIR FATHER, and PARENT is NOT ONLY NOUN. My appointment's at 11:00. Be here." If I had only known then...
The key is to understand it was about what they thought love was. They believed love to be the immature infatuation phase of love not the mature deep phase which is of giving. Therefore, once the infatuation wore off, they went looking for that limerance elsewhere.
That is so true in my situation as well, Shirley. Since I wasn't acting like a giggly school girl over him all the time, he ASSumed and convinced himself that I mustn't love him any more. This other person, who was willing to sit by and let him use her, send him dirty text messages and e-mails, be willing lay in wait for him to leave his wife and children must *loooove* him.
[This message edited by Steelergal at 12:08 PM, July 22nd (Tuesday)]
I think it is one of the reasons I am able to work with my H. I feel so sorry for him that he came from such an environment.
Ditto, again. Watching H and BIL while we have been trying to get their Mother settled into an assisted living facility has been a real treat and insight to their whole family dynamic. BIL is an even bigger fucktard than I've given him credit for over the years. Short story is we will be responsible for all of MIL's care.
BTW, did I mention that I have been in a very good zone lately.
[This message edited by Steelergal at 12:04 PM, July 22nd (Tuesday)]
I told him, "YOU ARE NOT the BABYSITTER or THE SPERM DONOR. YOU ARE THEIR FATHER, and PARENT is NOT ONLY NOUN.
Steelergal - welcome back!!! You just made the SI quote thread in F&G with that one...priceless!!!
DD graduated from high school in June with honors
You should be so proud...a testimate to what a great mom you are.
Can you all tell that I'm home for the day. Plumbing issues that have taken all morning.
Ahhh, so that's the secret...we all have to take turns sneaking into FNF's house and trashing some random piece of plumbing...then we will have her all to ourselves.
Thank you all so much for your support and advice...and not making me feel like an ass for even going through this.
Unfort, my family setup is like BT's. We can not turn away family....no matter how much we would want to.
My mum surprised me today.
She called to find out how I am doing with the SIL coming over, and actually gave me advice similar to all of you.
She said that I should keep myself busy (I will be at work after all!) during the stay; and if SIL steps out of line once, to put her firmly back in her place; to stand up for my self; not to put H in the middle or expect him to fight my battles (it would be nice if he did, but after the recent event with his teen Canadian crushee where he embarassed me in front of my whole family, I shouldnt expect too much from him as he obviously has a hard time making the right choice when under pressure), but if I did stand up for myself, then H had better be next to me!
BT and HB, you are right.
I am NOT that BS from dday. I am me, stronger, tougher and with a bigger mouth. NOBODY will disrespect me in my home again!!!!
I think I can take her on. I just feel so sorry for all those wives in our community that she is going to upset.
She slapped you!
Speaking of horror family stories:
H's family didnt want us to marry, so they put up some creative obstacles in our way...this one hurt the most.
H's aunt told H that she had proof that I was not a "good girl"; and he went without even checking it out with me first.
She took him and IL's to this family's house (in a town 2 hrs away)where this lady told them that I had been going out with her son and that I was a "bad girl". She confirmed my name, parents etc. Then the aunt's son told H that he had proof that I had been passed around in this boy's group of friends, and that I had been with every one of them.
H believed them. He met me afterwards, and said that he had alot of thinking to do, that he didnt think I was who he thought I was.
I was devastated. I didnt know this boy or his family/friends. I had had 1 boyfriend before H (which everyone knew of already).
Fort, my mum came to the rescue, and fought. To cut a long story short,she confronted this lady, the aunt, everyone and told them it was a pack of lies. H called this alleged boyfriend, who thank God, was not part of this plan, and who confirmed it was all lies. He later got his mother to apologise to us as well.
Still, the damage was done.
I dont know why I stayed with H after that. I guess part of my (negative)belief was that I deserved that treatment. That incident alone should have warned me of H's commitment (lack of), but my self esteem was too low, and I was actually grateful when we got back together again. Pathetic huh?
Some women just dont deserve to be a mother/sister/daughter.They should be banned from the Sisterhood altogether.
Will log in again later.
[This message edited by Lost Heart at 1:43 PM, July 22nd (Tuesday)]
She took him and IL's to this family's house (in a town 2 hrs away)where this lady told them that I had been going out with her son and that I was a "bad girl".
Who are these people? I amm really starting to believe in Aliens when I hear these stories. Human beings don't do these things to other human beings. Thank god your mom stood up for you. And, I am glad she is supporting you in this issue as well. Knowing you have her behind you will help give you the strength you need to stand up for yourself against toxic SIL.
It really boggles my mind that these people are women...I guess I just expect so much more from our sex.
I'm going back to Si, they'll have something wonderful and helpful to say and no one had posted to me. Silly, I know. I was just feeling so irrational
Next time, pm one of us. Heck pm a bunch of us. Sometimes it does get slow here, or someone is in a crisis, or we are just feeling too emotional ourselves to post...
How are you feeling now?
Guess that upcoming walk must be pretty sressful.
Can I give you some advice?
Think through this carefully: do you want H or you to be part of that race? Do you think you are ready to face it? If yes, then go for it.Train,get yourself a knockout (walking? )outfit, whatever it takes to make you feel good on that day. You go reclaim this part!!! I am going to assume that you have been cleared by your GP.
BUT if you are not ready emotionally to deal with this (and I understand how this is a trigger esp with the possibility that OW might even be there), DONT GO. AND THAT INCLUDES H.
This race is not worth any of the hassle that might come with it. There will be other races. Dont force yourself to feel/do something that you are not ready for. This healing can only take place at your pace.
I am hoping that your H will be supportive of this.
BTW, did I mention that I have been in a very good zone lately
Just reading this brought a smile to my face.You go girl!
Helloooo Fnf. Shirley and I plan to kidnap you one day, and we will do afternoon tea and yack away for hours.
BT, I wish I could borrow you or have you on speeddial for the 2 weeks.Sigh.Guess your boys might notice, huh?
Course this is pot and kettle because my brood and I are about to descend on my sister for almost that long.
We used to wonder what it would be like having a brother when we were younger (being just 3 girls), but just this weekend we were saying how lucky we were that we didnt, and how well the 3 of us are getting along as we grow older.
And you are going to be just fine with this woman. My guess is that she will sense the change in you very early on and not challenge you at all. But when she does, we'll be ready to help you bitch slap her into next year.
(Not literally, of course.)
But when she does, we'll be ready to help you bitch slap her into next year.
(Not literally, of course.)
With Shirley lasering FNF's aunt, I was feeling a bit left out.
Ah well, I could always do with a cup of coffee!
Thanks BT. I know we all tend to lean on your shoulders (me esp), and I cant imagine how that must feel, so thank you.
And enjoy being spoiled (and spoiling)by your sister.
Goodnight Tribe.Am going to try to sleep tonight.