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User Topic: Long Term Affairs XI I
BorrowTrouble
♀ Member
Member # 2435
Default  Posted: 6:59 AM, July 27th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi to you, too, Lost. When is that witch coming so I can get my voodoo dolls in order?


D-day 7/29/04.

Posts: 5711 | Registered: Oct 2003
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 8:10 AM, July 27th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((SoLost))))

Said in light of his past, I think socializing with any women without me was inappropriate and hurtful to the marriage and he should know that.

This says it all. How about you sit down with him and have a very calm but firm discussion that he has lost the right to do ANY socializing with women. Period. He should understand this and should not try to pressure you into it under the guise of someone's illness. Good for you for holding to your boundaries.

I am with LostH...I bet he will feel sheepish and apologize further. Either way, I would have a further discussion with him to clarify.


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
So Lost
♀ Member
Member # 16801
Default  Posted: 8:28 AM, July 27th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you guys. I am not feeling better. He came home and we talked and it was not pretty. First fight since dday that we have not resolved by the end. Of course he says he won't go but is having a full on temper tantrum b/c of it. Clearly doesn't understand. I told him I hated him.

He went on about how he doesn't talk about people from work but she's still a friend and such. How he thought it would be okay if people were there to verify what he was planning, that it wasn't some cover. That people who disapproved of the affair would be there to chaperon him. Uh, yeah, it takes great moral standards to realize an A is wrong. They didn't tell me then, why would they tell me now?

He thinks he was so nice to ask and then when I was reluctant he told me I could go (but that was clearly not a first thought). I'm suppose to be thrilled that I was asked as a second thought when his first plan didn't work out.

He just doesn't get it. I cried until 3 am and my eyes are swollen and now I woke to a baby puking. All I could think last night was that this was it, this is divorce time. I asked him how he thought this was going to resolve and he said that he was pissed right then but he would just have to get over it b/c he wasn't going. I hate that he puts me in this mother position.

So I still feel like shit. I tried to be very calm though. He usually does not fight much so it was disconcerting for him to do so. Very defensive and such. But I stuck to my self and I'm proud of that.

I swear, I don't know how this is going to pan out. If he really doesn't get it then how can we move forward???


Me: BS
Wh: WS
Dday 10/28/07
LTA with coworker
Attempting Reconciliation
he is remorseful, I am willing, we'll see what happens

Posts: 671 | Registered: Oct 2007
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 8:58 AM, July 27th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So I still feel like shit. I tried to be very calm though. He usually does not fight much so it was disconcerting for him to do so. Very defensive and such. But I stuck to my self and I'm proud of that.

I swear, I don't know how this is going to pan out. If he really doesn't get it then how can we move forward???

((((SoLost)))) I am sorry he is being such an asshat. But, do you realize that you answered your own question. YOU are going to move forward by standing up for yourself, by putting yourself first, by sticking up for yourself. Hopefully, by doing this, he will come around and begin to understand that he is being a complete idiot about this. But, if not, at least you are looking after yourself. Try to get a nap in today. Do you have a cucumber in the house? If so, slice one up and put it on your eyes....it really helps and it feels good.


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
BorrowTrouble
♀ Member
Member # 2435
Default  Posted: 9:22 AM, July 27th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Getting it, I think, is a process. And it's also hard. It forces you to really look at yourself and what you've done and the horror of it. It requires acknowledging that you have been a bastard, a real lowdown POS. Who the hell wouldn't avoid that if they could?

Clearly, your husband isn't there yet. If he was, he wouldn't even ask about something so massively inappropriate as this. But just because he isn't there yet doesn't mean he will never arrive.

I think by calmy sticking to what you know you need you are doing what you can to help him get there. Perhaps he would also benefit from a read of OneStepataTime's letter in reconciliation. For me, that letter did the best job I've ever seen of detailing to the WS what a BS has to recover from.

Hang in there, SoLost and continue to stand up for yourself. Your husband may have stopped the active cheating, but he still clings to a wayward frame of mind, IMO.

BT


D-day 7/29/04.

Posts: 5711 | Registered: Oct 2003
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 9:23 AM, July 27th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SoL, Sounds like your H suffers from the same malady as mine... "the affair's over" syndrome.

By that I mean, because the affair is over and he's positive it will never happen again, and is sure it will never happen with this woman, he doesn't see the problem.

Men like yours and mine don't see the big picture, they don't "get it". Never will. They live in the present moment, never looking back, never looking forward. I'm convince that's how they managed to do the affair for so long... it was only "today", not looking back and seeing, wow, it's been over 1000 "todays".

I invited myself to the last time this happened with us, telling him that we presented a united front by both of us going. It was both or none for any social occasion. There is no reason he needs to go to anything alone. And if wives are specifically forbidden to attend, then he shouldn't even think twice. I think just by doing, they will learn. WE can't count on them actually thinking about it before hand. Conditioning may be the answer here.

That being said, you caught him doing something he "knows" deep down inside he shouldn't have done... hence the anger and the sarcasm and the "making it YOUR fault." Don't own this. He goofed, You be your normal wonderful self.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
hearbroken
Member
Member # 8317
Default  Posted: 12:17 PM, July 27th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey guys, just ducking in for a moment before my kids' birthday party. I somewhat survived MIl being here, but had major meltdowns and H was worried. We've got to figure this out for next time.

But I had to share this with you so you can laugh with me. Remember, MIL left FIL after 36 years of M to hook up with her high school sweetheart whom she married one month after her divorce was final. She leaves FIL to the kids to care for (he's had two strokes and is diabetic). She moves out of state and all of a sudden goes from being a city slicker to living on a ranch....

Well.... My H was mortified to see on his 63 year old mother's truck the following:

"Forget the bull, ride a cowgirl."

That should clue you all in on the dysfunction and why I don't get along with MIL...

Hope you guys have a laugh on my account
HB


Dday1 8/05 (LTA)
Dday2 4/09 (online EA 2 weeks then confessed)
Dday 3 8/10 ("full disclosure" of more infidelity prior to 2009)

Posts: 869 | Registered: Sep 2005
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 12:44 PM, July 27th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((SoLost))))

I am sorry. I was so hoping that your H would snap out of it. Guess its still early days for him.

You know you are right. You know that what you are standing for is not only right for you, but the M as well. Its even right for your H.

It does suck being the only grownup, but please hang on. You are doing great, SoL. We are with you.

***
BT, we dont know yet when she arrives. She was supposed to let us know by today. Aargh.

***
Shirley, seeing as you are into this beauty stuff, what do I do about my eyes..they are all dark and puffy and googly cos I havent been sleeping. And theres just so far eye concealer can take you. And no, wiseguy, more sleep is not possible.

***
HB, firstly, I am sorry about the meltdowns. What triggered them? MIL? or just memories?
I hope your H is being there for you.

Secondly,

"Forget the bull, ride a cowgirl."

Now I definetly miss OTC and ROBT and FSA....
I know they would have had some choice words to say to that!


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 2:11 PM, July 27th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Shirley, seeing as you are into this beauty stuff, what do I do about my eyes..they are all dark and puffy and googly cos I havent been sleeping.

I get all my good beauty tips down in F&G.

Forget the bull, ride a cowgirl

There is a very small percentage of the population (very, very small) that could pull off that bumper sticker and none of them are over 25!!! What a piece of work...talk about mid-life crisis!! Good job making it through...only ONE meltdown.


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
So Lost
♀ Member
Member # 16801
Default  Posted: 6:42 PM, July 27th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tried to respond earlier but our cable and Internet have been out all day b/c of thunderstorms. Figures, the day I soooo need to communicate with people.

We have not spoken the entire day. Moved around the house independently and then he gave me a peck and a meek goodbye before going to work. he won't be home until midnight.

I am just so hurt and angry and confused. Am I being too rigid? Is it really that big a deal, she is going to die in the next year probably. But again, have not heard her name until last week when she got diagnosed. He says he doesn't talk about work that much and he is friends with her, just not one of the ones I know. He sees her every time he works and is upset that they are the same age and she is so sick.

I just really feel like my feelings and thoughts are not taken in to consideration. i don't know how we will move forward form this. He will get over it and eventually just start acting like nothing happened and I don't think I can do that. But then we don't agree. His thought is, we don't agree but he's not going so we should just both get over it. I know that's what he would say. My problem is that if he doesn't get it then he has no idea where the boundaries are and I can't handle knowing that. I am so frustrated and honestly, sick of crying again like it's dday all over again.

This is just so stupid.

At one point he says so I can't ever go aywhere ever again. Guess I won't be going to her funeral. Don't you ever think about going out with your friends. I said, well I didn't have an affair and prove myself not trustworthy. he said it doesn't matter.

I wish I woudl have said yes, it means you can nevr socialize with other women without me for the rest of our marriage. That is part of marriage. Tell me now if you can't handle it b/c those are the rules.

Not once since dday has he asked me out, suggested we go bowlin or anything else for that matter. It's not like he makes some big effort to hang with me. Ugh.


Me: BS
Wh: WS
Dday 10/28/07
LTA with coworker
Attempting Reconciliation
he is remorseful, I am willing, we'll see what happens

Posts: 671 | Registered: Oct 2007
hearbroken
Member
Member # 8317
Default  Posted: 11:51 PM, July 27th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SoLost,
At one point he says so I can't ever go aywhere ever again. Guess I won't be going to her funeral. Don't you ever think about going out with your friends. I said, well I didn't have an affair and prove myself not trustworthy. he said it doesn't matter.

Hell YES it matters- the fact that he had an A matters. The fact that he already proved he cannot determine acceptable boundaries with the opposite sex matter. You are not even quite a year out from dday, right? My gosh, this early in the aftermath HE needs to be carrying the load here. HE needs to try to see things from your point of view and bend over backwards to earn back the trust. Is he in IC or are you guys in MC? Maybe this is just one of those areas that he has the blinders on and would do better hearing this from a third party......

Hang in there... we're here for you.

Hugs,
HB


Dday1 8/05 (LTA)
Dday2 4/09 (online EA 2 weeks then confessed)
Dday 3 8/10 ("full disclosure" of more infidelity prior to 2009)

Posts: 869 | Registered: Sep 2005
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 1:56 AM, July 28th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Checking in on SoLost.

Yes, it does matter. It matters a whole f**king deal.

And yes, it does mean that he cant ever socialise with females w/o you ever again (since when did a funeral become a social event anyway? )

And no, you are not making a big deal out of nothing. This is huge deal.You have set boundaries around your M. Its up to you BOTH to keep that up; to protect the M and the family.

I hope that you both dont brush this off when this incident is over, because it will rear its ugly head in other ways again. HB is right about MC/IC for him/you.

It was really only when his IC told him to be more supportive of me in the house after I started working, that my H really got that. I think he assumed that all he had to do was a little help/support, but life would go on as usual. And he was getting furstrated with why I was so stressed and overwhelmed when I am usually so capable.
He needed an outsider to point out that I had too much on my plate, and that he had to gear up.

Maybe your H is the same: maybe he needs someone else to point out the seemingly obvious.

SoL, I know you must be feeling so weary and heartsore. Stay strong.

((((((((SoLost)))))))

***
Ukg? Are you ok? Enjoying the heat?


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 4:34 PM, July 28th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow, it is quiet in here.

SoLost, you are in my thoughts.

Hope the Tribe is doing well.

I was running a bit late for my IC appt and was gunning it a little on the road. I remembered last year around this time, when things were so so bad. Everything had fallen apart...H, the kids, me.
And I was driving alone from my mum's on that same stretch at high speed, and wondering at what speed would I have to be doing, to ensure that when I die instantly when I hit the barrier.

The reason I am saying this now, twofold. Firstly to remind myself of how much I have to be grateful for now and how far away I am from then.
Secondly, for those of you who are struggling, when every breath is so achingly painful, when you can not see any way out of this huge mess (which you didnt even create)...life DOES and WILL get better.

Just hold on, find something (no matter how small)to believe in. You WILL do more than survive this, YOU WILL THRIVE!!!

((((((LTA Tribe)))))))


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
So Lost
♀ Member
Member # 16801
Default  Posted: 6:06 PM, July 28th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SoL, I know you must be feeling so weary and heartsore

Lord, if that's not the truth then I don't know what is.

Thanks for the thoughts. It has been a rough few days. I think it started off with him mad and now my anger and being upset has taken over. This was just such a huge deal for me, him not getting why it's a big deal is horrible.

He came home from work last night and came up and gave me a quick kiss. said I guess your not speaking to me. I said, well, your not speaking to me either. He said yeah, i guess it's mutual. I told him I didn't know how we were going to resolve this. He said he would get over it (not being able to go) an we would move on. My comment was that him getting over it was not going to solve the issue. He rubbed my leg and said we'll get through this, go to sleep so you can get up for work.

So then today I didn't call home all day. When I came home I was just very curt. I can't even look at him I am so disgusted. He was leaving for kung fu and the hardware store and said goodbye. He came back and put his arms around me from behind and kissed my head and said he loved me.

I just don't know where to go from here. I think maybe he was suddenly confronted with all the damage he did and the repercussions it had. If I said no he wouldn't go. I know that. But why have to ask?? I hate that he put me in that mother role. And how do I even make him get it without beating him on the head although I like that idea).

I do think MC will help. Between vacations and such, we don't go until Aug 6th. Both ICs meet together with us, so it takes some planning sometimes. I wish we were meeting when the emotions were super high but that is not likely. We don't have a day this week we could both go anyway, so we'll go next week as planned. I do think they will agree with me and tell him so. They don't pull any punches.

I'm just so sad and frustrated. And I don't think he even gets why. Some days I just don't feel like I can handle this. i don't man to be dramatic. Somedays I just wonder if I should spill the beans to the world and divorce him and be done with it all. Start over with someone new. And yet, I can never do that can I? That damage is already done. We have children together, we will forever parent together.

I told IC in the very beginning that I was not deciding for a year I would stay for a year and figure things out and work toward R but after a year I would decide if we were working on marriage or on co parenting. Sometimes I wonder if I will make the right decision.


Me: BS
Wh: WS
Dday 10/28/07
LTA with coworker
Attempting Reconciliation
he is remorseful, I am willing, we'll see what happens

Posts: 671 | Registered: Oct 2007
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 1:29 AM, July 29th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SoLost,
What you are feeling is very normal and very understandable.

Sometimes we have these setbacks that make us wonder if there has been any worthwhile steps forward at all since dday.

hate that he put me in that mother role. And how do I even make him get it without beating him on the head although I like that idea).

And you know, its not even a loving mother role...its a punitive controlling role...and that what would irritate the heck out of me with my H.

As for what you can do to make him get it...you are doing it now. You have set your boundaries and you are sticking to them. You are not bowing down to pressure. You are standing up for yourself. You are telling him that you are respecting yourself and the M by being true to you...and in time, he will too. This sounds terribly condescending, but it like teaching someone a whole bunch of new skills on how to be M'd and how to respect your W.

You are meeting your ICs next week. How about writing what you are feeling/thinking now, and then read it out to them then. Describe everything that went down.

So I am curious...do you know what did he said to his mates about not coming?

And yet, I can never do that can I? That damage is already done. We have children together, we will forever parent together.

Let this thinking go, SoL. It took me a loooong time, but I did.

You can end this M any time you want. Yes, you will always parent together, but that does not condemn you to an unhappy M forever. It doesnt. Like BT once told me, you have earned a Get Out card. You are not stuck.

Its impt for us to know this esp when we are going through a tough patch, IMHO. Whenever I went through a bad patch, I would envisage my life after the M, and it calmed me down and brought me some solace, knowing that there was a life after this.

Having said that, this is a setback SoL. You both will have to deal with it headon as it is a very impt issue in your M.

Take care, SoL.

((((((SoL)))))))

***
We are also going through a setback here. Last night H behaved similarly to the H of 1 year ago. I told him that I will not listen to him when he is being physically aggressive, to which he spat on my face.

I am not even going to put the crying icon on, cos I WILL not cry.

As to what caused it, I wont go into the specifics as its TMI. I did try to explain myself calmly and dispassionately. He got defensive and attacked, refused to see my POV,and when that didnt work, he laughed and ridiculed me. He was rubbing my foot at the time ( ), and I kicked him, and he fell over the bed. And that launched his attack on me.I refused to retaliate, just curled up.

I know there are many reason why I should be more understanding of what he did. Just this morning, I dont feel quite like it.

What this incident did highlight though, was that I dont think I would EVER feel safe with this man.


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 5:49 AM, July 29th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Where is ROBT when we need her????

I have spent the last week in serious in-depth reading. Trying to understand these phenomenon we call "men". Where they come from, how they think, why they don't. And it's a battle against my better judgement, but I keep going back to "Aw, just put on your big boy pants and grow up."

So what you feel ashamed and controlled. That's YOUR feelings, we're not projecting them onto you because we speak our mind, tell you of our feelings. We have them, TOUGH! We're not your MOMMIES! And we don't WANT to be either. You wouldn't NEED a mommy if you'd show some spine, recognize that shame is your conscience telling you YOU'RE DOING SOMETHING WRONG, so face it and CHANGE IT! Stop shutting it down... it MEANS something you idiots!

Now, face the fact ladies they don't think like us, never will and that's what we want them to do. Every time they don't and do something we think should be an obvious No-No, we're actually asking them to look at something like a woman. It isn't going to happen.

Yes, men can feel empathy, men can grow into feeling the emotions IF THEY WANT TO. IF THEY CAN EASE INTO THEM. Men are more attached the marriage (they tried to destroy) than we are. But they are totally clueless on what it takes to show that. "Hey, I work don't I?" is the meaning to their life...they provide for US. They think that means as much as talking to us for hours on end. My IC reminds me that any man in talk therapy is making an effort, even if it could take YEARS for it to have any effect, it is truly a sign of love and a desire to keep the M together.

They are a f'd up lot and I can't wait to get into the second half of this book to find out how the dynamic changes... and when.

Hang in people.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
BorrowTrouble
♀ Member
Member # 2435
Default  Posted: 6:53 AM, July 29th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lost, my girl, I'm going to have to order four-point restraints for you two.

I'm not sure I understand the exact order of the physical lashing out, but in whatever order you guys need to make that completely out of bounds. For yourselves as well as for each other. And for your kids. It's a scary thing for a kid to see/hear/know that your parents are physically violent with each other, and it will make it more likely that they will be so in the future.

My advice would be not to let it fester, to talk about it as soon as you can and to come up with a couple ideas to prevent it from happening in the future. See if you can each identify your triggers and work up a more reasonable response than kicking and spitting.

Love ya, girlie. Be kind to yourself today and realize that we can only change by degrees. That's the only way it sticks.


D-day 7/29/04.

Posts: 5711 | Registered: Oct 2003
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 12:21 PM, July 29th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BT, you wont believe this, but I was driving home, dreading what to do next with H.I just didnt know what the appropriate step would be. And I got a week before next IC.

I logged on here (the kids are away from yesterday) and I read your post. Thank you.

I know we both have anger issues. I know I need to find that balance between then(burying it in deep)and just now (lashing out). I thought I was doing it well these past few months, but...

I need to find a way where him laughing does not set me off. Cos I react and he pounces.

We have both been under so much of stress lately.

You know I mentioned last week that he was trying to make our dream come true...it was re buying a house.

We have never owned a house. We have lived in over 12 houses the whole M, on 3 diff continents. I have been desp for my own house since I got pg with DS2. We went as close as choosing a property. I was in and out of hosp and we thought we would delay it till after he was born. He passed away, and then we left the country.

About 4 years ago, I broached the subject again with H. The kids were tired of moving, everyone we knew had settled down, and I didnt see why we couldnt buy a house when our rent was so high.

We spent whole weekends househunting for a few months.(this was during LTA2). The kids and I were so excited. But he just never wanted to take it to the next step...and then he asked for a D, and that was that.

He told me after dday that he had never ever had any intention of buying a house - that he didnt see the point as he didnt think the M would last. He thought from the beginning that it would be just a matter of time before we D'd.

When the subject was broached again a few months ago, I didnt take it too seriously. But this time he did. He has filled out all the paperwork, been looking at houses on the net, following the market. About 2 months ago, he took me to see a house. It was beautiful. But way out of our budget. Way out. But he followed it up. Due to my job, the govt would help us out with the mortgage. He filled in all the paperwork(loads); chased people; finally made a bid at a ridiculous price...and they accepted.

But now theres more paperwork and a whole process involving lawyers and surveryors etc. I did not accept it. I was too scared. My IC has been after to me to visualise us living there, and I couldnt make it past the front door.

Its not a done deal. Anything can happen in the interim. He has done so well. I have never known him to apply himself to anything like this.My IC said he is doing it for us, its his way of making amends.And that I should accept it.

Thats one of the reasons I havent been able to sleep. Something I have wanted for so long, could come true.

I knew we were going to buy a house, but I thought we would start small, and then upgrade later. This is the upgrade. It is perfect for us. The kids dont know yet...and they will be dead chuffed.

I know he is so stressed about this. I know he has sooo much riding on getting this house. I am afraid for him if it doesnt come through, cos I know what it means on so many levels for him.

Sorry for the long story. I needed to get that out.


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
So Lost
♀ Member
Member # 16801
Default  Posted: 5:52 PM, July 29th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ohhhh ((((LH)))) He spit in your face??? I am so sorry. It really highlights that same truth with me though, that once that damage is done, that trust will never ever be the same.

I'm sure he told everyone at work that I wasn't okay with him going. I expect he didn't say much which says a lot. No sticking up for me, I am very sure. They said, oh she'll let you go and he just said don't expect me to be there. I hate that 'let you go' thing. It should be more that after everything he has put me through (they all know of course b/c they were around) that he does not want to do anything that would cause me any distress in the least. So he's sorry, it would be fun, but he does not want to go. Yeah right...like he would ever say that!!!

Home from work and beat. BBL


Me: BS
Wh: WS
Dday 10/28/07
LTA with coworker
Attempting Reconciliation
he is remorseful, I am willing, we'll see what happens

Posts: 671 | Registered: Oct 2007
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 8:09 PM, July 29th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LostHeart - I think the physical stuff has got to stop - at all level. No throwing coffee cups, no pushing with feet, no spitting, nothing for no other reason than it is completely disrespectful to each other. Yes, it is dangerous too but it is the disrespect that is escalating here. You say something, he sneers or laughs (dis), you shove with your foot (dis), he spits (bigger dis)...can you see the pattern? I want to give you the biggest hug since you seem to have been doing so well but I don't think it is the physical violence as the very quick escalation of disrespect that needs to be addressed quickly.

That being said:

I know he is so stressed about this. I know he has sooo much riding on getting this house. I am afraid for him if it doesnt come through, cos I know what it means on so many levels for him.

I know how hard it is for these people to step outside their normal behaviors and take a risk. I am sure he is sweating bullets (do you say that there?). This would be adding additional stress to your life and causing friction. Do you REALLY want this or was this a fairy tale dream when he wasn't present in the relationship? Is he trying to substitute your "dream" for his commitment?

I don't want to bring up a bunch of hard questions but I want you to make sure this is what you both really want if it is going to add financial pressure.

(((((lostheart)))))


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

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