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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affairs XI I
lostsuol
♀ Member
Member # 13706
Default  Posted: 2:16 PM, August 7th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks LH. I am soooo time change challenged!

I am Central Standard Time (Daylight Savings til October, I think).

So UK is 6 hrs later.

My sister and son & d-i-l are 2 hours earlier than me.

When my FWH works at the head office he is one hour later than me.

Last week FWH & I were in Hawaii, 5 hours earlier than our home time. I left there at 5:10p Thurs and got to Mnpls MN


Posts: 808 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Canada
lostsuol
♀ Member
Member # 13706
Default  Posted: 2:18 PM, August 7th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks LH. I am soooo time change challenged!

I am Central Standard Time (Daylight Savings til October, I think).

So UK is 6 hrs later.

My sister and son & d-i-l are 2 hours earlier than me.

When my FWH works at the head office he is one hour later than me.

Last week FWH & I were in Hawaii, 5 hours earlier than our home time. I left there at 5:10p Thurs and got to Mnpls MN at 5:30a Friday morning, an 8 hour plane ride. Yawwwwn... I am still jet-lagged. It's 2:20p


Posts: 808 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Canada
lostsuol
♀ Member
Member # 13706
Default  Posted: 2:18 PM, August 7th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks LH. I am soooo time change challenged!

I am Central Standard Time (Daylight Savings til October, I think).

So UK is 6 hrs later.

My sister and son & d-i-l are 2 hours earlier than me.

When my FWH works at the head office he is one hour later than me.

Last week FWH & I were in Hawaii, 5 hours earlier than our home time. I left there at 5:10p Thurs and got to Mnpls MN at 5:30a Friday morning, an 8 hour plane ride. Yawwwwn... I am still jet-lagged. It's 2:20p


Posts: 808 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Canada
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 2:25 PM, August 7th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ummmm....lostsoul...are you trying to up your post count or what?

LostHeart...what are you going to do?


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
lostsuol
♀ Member
Member # 13706
Default  Posted: 2:28 PM, August 7th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks LH. I am soooo time change challenged!

I am Central Standard Time (Daylight Savings til October, I think).

So UK is 6 hrs later.

My sister and son & d-i-l are 2 hours earlier than me.

When my FWH works at the head office he is one hour later than me.

Last week FWH & I were in Hawaii, 5 hours earlier than our home time. I left there at 5:10p Thurs and got to Mnpls MN at 5:30a Friday morning, an 8 hour plane ride. Yawwwwn... I am still jet-lagged. It's 2:20p as I write this.

I am always getting the time difference confused. I was really off balance for the 5 yrs we lived in southern ON and being back on the prairies for almost 4 yrs hasn't helped me at all. Of course, CFS and FibroFog doesn't help either.

so the other night when I was awake at 4a here, I wondered if the UK gang was up and by the time I slept and woke up our day was half gone.

If I was still in ON, I'd be in the same time zone as Weepy. I loved visiting Lancaster and York when we were there. Wish we could meet for some of that great pie they serve down there!

Or that I could have tea with the gals in the UK! Have to settle for the virtual LTA retreat.

Hugs and more Hugs... damn OW and Hs who don't get it... Hurray for WS who do.


Posts: 808 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Canada
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 2:51 PM, August 7th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

lostsoul, Shirley is onto you!!!
Trying to up your post count,hey?

***
Shirley, I dont know what I am going to do. I have to go to a meeting tomorrow for 2 hours, and then its me and the kids hitting the museum.I am already a bit anxious about the meeting (its for the poor boy who passed away)and I hope I stay calm for that.All these professionals (medical, police etc)are going to be there, and its intimidating for me.

As for SIL and H and their cousin...oh and their aunt and uncle...

He came back home and said nonchalantly (whilst typing on the PC), "So did you speak to XX?" (who told me about whats going on)and I replied yes.But got in a huff cos I went onto the PC, and said that since I didnt want to know what was going on, I would find out the hard way.

You know, these threats and games used to scare me shitless before, and I would be running around him, trying to appease him, and make sure I dont get "punished".

Now, wow. They just flow over me. I told him that when he was ready to talk properly with no kids around, then to let me know..but this half arsed chat while you surf the net doesnt cut it with me.No sir.

If he came to me nicely, and asked me nicely to help him out this weekend, I will. If he doesnt, and expects me to do so anyway, the way I would have jumped in before and rescued him whilst he lounged, then boy, does he have a surprise coming in.
And the best part...my mum's not here for him to call and intimidate me.

I have thought about this, and I know I owe his family absolutely zilch. If my non behaviour scandalises them, watch me give a f**k.

However, I will do this for him, if he asks nicely..and if he apologises for last week, I will even do so with a smile.

This sounds like me tapping in my inner bitch. I would like to think of it as me taking care of me.


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 3:18 PM, August 7th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LostHeart - I agree that if he comes to you nicely and asks for your help and is willing to help himself, that doing this for him would be a wonderful gesture.

I have thought about this, and I know I owe his family absolutely zilch. If my non behaviour scandalises them, watch me give a f**k.

This is the point exactly. You owe them nothing. You are willing to do this for your H if he is showing you that he respects and supports you as well.


This sounds like me tapping in my inner bitch. I would like to think of it as me taking care of me

This IS you taking care of you. It is something we have all had to learn how to do because we didn't do it before. We put everybody ahead of us and then no one looked out for us. Look out for yourself, LostHeart. They will learn that you are willing to protect yourself and their behavior will change to reflect that.

Good luck in your meeting...sounds so very, very sad.


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 3:18 PM, August 7th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@ lostsuol!!
Who cares what time it is? There are no clocks or watches allowed in the LTA beach house and we can have cheese and wine for breakfast and muffins for supper, we can slop around in a robe at 4pm and wear a cocktail dress at 5am. The only time is OUR TIME.

So what time is it in Canada?

I loved visiting Lancaster and York when we were there.

I love York (where DS2 went to uni), not sure about Lancaster though. Never been. Although I’ve heard Morecombe Bay is nice …… What time was it when you were there - GMT or Central?

I know I owe his family absolutely zilch.

Do the minimum and tell them if you’d have known they were coming with a little more notice, you’d have been more prepared. Farm out and take any help that’s offered. Rope the kids in too as well as that H of yours seeing as it is HIS family. Stand tall, LostH. Let it wash over you. Or at least try. And if we don't "see" you for a few days, we'll send out a search party and come rescue you!

Now, It's 9.15 in the evening (got that lostsuol?) and I got too many things to do before beddy-byes. Love this tribe! (And OW'd better not get drunk and send another message ..... )

[This message edited by UKgirl at 3:21 PM, August 7th (Thursday)]


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 3:47 PM, August 7th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Shirley. Hope you are holding up. Now look after you. If you need to breakdown, then so be it, rather than hold it in. Just be whatever you want to. Like you said, its about looking after ourselves.

***
Ukg! You call THAT breakfast!!
Dont worry, tribe. We'll cater out.

Ukg, can your H just block her number, or even better, change his number?
I know all his contacts have this number, but it wont cost that much to send out a notice to the ones he really wants to keep in contact with. The cost of both your peace of mind...priceless.

***
I overheard H call SIl. He has volunteered to pick her up, put her up in MY sisters house, then drop her off where she needs to go the next day. My sisters house.The freekin nerve. I know he will use me as an excuse for not bringing her here (not that i mind),as he is too ashamed to bring her here... but MY sisters house, without even checking with them (they are holidaying overseas at the moment).

Tsk tsk, Mr LH.


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 3:47 PM, August 7th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LH - I am a bit worried about your situation and your H's current state of mind. I didn't want to quote those harsh words he spoke - they were so uncalled for. WTF??? No matter what his reason for behaving so badly, I think right now it is crucial that he puts on a very good front while your SIL is in for her visit. She strikes me as the kind of person who would sense the tension between you and go for the jugular.
Please try to sit down with your H and talk about the importance of putting on a united front while she is there. When my H and I are going through a tough time but have to be around other people, I tell him in no uncertain terms that while in a group, we will act the merry couple. We can save the nastiness for the privacy of our own homes. You were doing so well and now, with this latest attitude from him and the stress of your SIL's visit, I am worried that you might have a setback. I can't believe that he wants this to happen.
She cannot be trusted, you've seen that. To give her any hint of trouble between you two could be disastrous considering her past history.
I fear that your H may be looking for some sympathy since he sounds like he's having a pity party and she is definitely not the person you want offering him that.
Isn't there some way you can get him to sit down and calmly talk out a strategy before she moves in on you?
Stay strong - and remember that no one gives us respect if we don't respect ourselves and demand it from others. I learned that the hard way.
This sounds like me tapping in my inner bitch. I would like to think of it as me taking care of me.

This is the best attitude you can have for this upcoming visit. We'll be here!
(((LH)))


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 3:52 PM, August 7th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

but MY sisters house, without even checking with them

UGH - LH - what's with this family. No phone call to let you know when to expect them, offering someone else's home without asking, showing no courtesy whatsoever and they haven't even arrived yet.
Would you like to come to the US? I have an extra room for you and we can get a few of the others together and have a real party!
Stay strong!


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 4:09 PM, August 7th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

but MY sisters house, without even checking with them (they are holidaying overseas at the moment).

I have to say that it sounds as if your H's entire family needs to go back to "boundary school"! Exactly how is he planning on "informing" your sister if she is overseas? Is he planning on breaking into her house and installing the SIL there without their permission? I am sorry but my dog has better boudaries than this (seriously!).


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
lostsuol
♀ Member
Member # 13706
Default  Posted: 5:14 PM, August 7th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ohmigosh! FWH's laptop did a number on me! I just came down to our desktop PC and see all the posts that got sent when I was using his laptop upstairs. I'm sorry that I didn't realize it was submitting a message each time the page renewed. I don't need to up my count... I already qualify for Investigative Tips... LOL!
Now to read the message in between my faux pas posts...

Posts: 808 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Canada
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 5:38 PM, August 7th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

lostsuol, Do you mean the shoo fly pie? So sickeningly sweet? I'm not one for molasses much, but it is beautiful country out there. I'm about an hour+15 min east of Lancaster and about 2+ hours from York. DS almost went to university in York, but thankfully stayed closer to home.

I have an issue for discussion here... family of course. H just acts out on all of us whenever he's got a bug up his ass about something. Tonight he didn't want to do an estimate as a favor for a friend, but he promised, so he starts bossing around DS and I mean ordering him like he's some kind of menial laborer... here for doing HIS pleasure at his beck and call. DS of course came to me to vent. I told him to tell his father that he'd do anything he asked, he'd ALWAYS be around to help, but not to talk to him like the "hired help". H got all huffy like "then I don't need you." DS says "fine" and heads back in the house.

DS tells me H knows he was wrong and I told him to watch for the apology... water ice on the way home or something bought for the dirt bikes. But he's had about enough of the attitude.

SO, my question for discussion... have your H's made effort with the kids they've hurt? I know my H was doing that when he came out of his fog in '03, but since I found out, he's been just miserable with the kids.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 4:12 AM, August 8th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

TGI Friday!! Morning all.

I'm about an hour+15 min east of Lancaster and about 2+ hours from York.

Umm. I’m about 2hrs+30 from Lancaster and an hour+40 from York …… Do you live in Manchester??

Tried to phone OWH this morning (sent text mess yesterday) to find he is on holiday til the 21st Probably taken her to yet another exotic location (they went to India in April) and she’d still rather be with my FWH. So I think she send the text on their first night. What a sad and sorry mess she is. I almost feel pity. Almost.

[This message edited by UKgirl at 4:12 AM, August 8th (Friday)]


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
BorrowTrouble
♀ Member
Member # 2435
Default  Posted: 5:55 AM, August 8th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LostH,

My God, SIL is a bold bully isn't she? WTH makes her think she is entitled to someone else's house? Jeez, that is just bizarre.

I feel sorry for both you and your H. That woman is not right.

BT


D-day 7/29/04.

Posts: 5711 | Registered: Oct 2003
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 8:03 AM, August 8th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You know, I guess I need to "appreciate" more that his LTAP is dead. But since I'm not sure she even WAS the LTA or there weren't more "human" OW I still feel great empathy for those who's OWs just won't GO THE FUCK AWAY! or those who knew "they're" out there somewhere but have never had the "pleasure" of seeing them and knowing who they are.

I've been feeling off for the past couple days. Don't know why. I know last night's incident between H and our son had me thinking about what damage I've done to these kids by staying. I mean DS would never have had to put up with the crap last night if we weren't living here. I may have to apologize to him today. He has no choice until his apartment is ready of where to live because I chose to stay.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 9:10 AM, August 8th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sounds like you have the original mould of Grumpy Old Man there, weepy.

These people don’t even know how to smile, be pleasant and get grouchy when the sun don’t shine or the rain won’t fall when they want it to. Sometimes they deserve to be left to wallow in the self induced, inward looking and bitter Machiavellian (had to find the dictionary for spelling!) hole they dug for themselves. In the end, no one wants to associate with an individual who is only interested in what life and fortune (or lack of) holds for them, who holds grudges against spouses, offspring, work colleagues and society in general, who always see the worst in others and think, that everyone else is somehow less deserving and they get filled up with resentment that they had put there. The saddest thing is the effect they can have on others – it can be contagious and the only way not to catch it is to stay the hell away. Miserable git. I’d tell your son to pretend his dad is a character in a tv series, when he’s had enough, switch off and walk away. Don’t get locked into a row, cos these types are never going to admit wrong anyhow. And if, by some miracle, they do, the best acceptance is with a slight acknowledgement and quiet “thank you” while secretly thinking “you jerk”.

Wow. Went on a bit didn’t I?? Hey. You could always play Monty Python’s “always look on the bright side of life” at full volume and DS can sing along!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1loyjm4SOa0

Some things in life are bad,
They can really make you mad,
Other things just make you swear and curse,
When you're chewing life's gristle,
Don't grumble,
Give a whistle
And this'll help things turn out for the best.
And...
Always look on the bright side of life.

And LostH, just to let you know I am sending protective thoughts your way as you wear your guest smile for your ungracious SIL and co. Hugs (((((LostH)))))


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 9:25 AM, August 8th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For 740 fucking days (easy to count so soon after DDay2, unlike the tally she and FWH kept – PUKE ) that obsessive, deluded, deranged bitch has been in my head. Now while I wouldn’t wish her death on her incredibly patient and loyal to a bloody fault husband, or any of her family, if she is never going to stop obsessing about my H, then I wouldn’t shed a tear at reading her obituary tomorrow.

Enough venting. I am going to close my eyes, breathe, smile and go to sort out DS4’s clothes for next term.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 3:19 AM, August 9th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good morning all.

H and I had a talk yesterday, and it went from ok to bad. After a while, I just sat there listening to him, and realised he was saying the same old things he had said throughout the M:
basically about how he cant/wont protect us. I dint fight him, just got sad and walked off to lie down.

This is his theory:
People only affect you if you let them. And I let them, so I will always get hurt. If I was more like him, ie not care what anybody thought, I wouldnt get hurt.

So X can badmouth me or my kids or my cat (if I had one), and I should just let it fall off my back. I shouldnt not expect him to defend me, I should stand up for myself, blah blah blah.

Now this is a load of bs, for so many reasons, but I didnt want to get into that.Just would have made that worse.

Anyway, later on, he came to me, and said that he is afraid to tell me that he will protect us, as he is afraid that he will fail. That he is scared that he wont be able tof end off all the arrows, and thinks that by telling me that he will protect us, means that I will realx and expect him to fight all my battles, and he knows he just cant do that.

2 different versions. Dont know what to make of that, but agreed to call a truce for this weekend. Oh, I also told him that I am afraid that SIL will drive a wedge betw us, and his opinion is that people can only have a wedge driven, if they let them.That its not up to the perpetrator but the couple.

Re the accomodation: he did sms my sister, and she was ok with it (she didnt have much of choice tho). And BT, it was his idea, not SIL's.

I know my family has issues, but this family...arrgh.

Thank you all for thinking of me. She arrives tonight. I am going to try to relax and not get worked up.
I will just think of how sad her life is, when and if she says something.

***

(((Weepy)))

You can help your DS cope better with your H. My father treated us the same ay (as his menial servants at his beck and call)and we hated it. We put up with it, cos 1. we were scared we would get a hiding if we didnt, and 2. to help my mum out.

Talk to your DS about this, and help me deal with his resentment. Think of strategies to help him cope. I cant think of one right now,but I am sure there must be, even if its one s to make him feel better about himself when he is doing these tasks.

Do you think talking to H would help? You are the mother; your job is to protect your kids.What a shame it has to be from their parent.

***
((((Ukg))))

(((((Fnf))))

(((((Shirley))))

(((((BT))))))

You are ALL in my thoughts.

***

Have a good weekend Tribe.


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
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