WH witnessed his 7 year old sister be killed. WH was taking her to the mailbox to check the mail when she was hit by a car as he watched.
If he was not in serious therapy as a child he has not addressed in completely or properly. This was definitely be a defining moment in his life. How could he NOT feel responsible at some level even if he was not. No doubt, this could lead to his ability to compartmentalize. I can't even imagine the suppressed anger (why was I given the responsibility to take her to the mailbox?) to the suppressed guilt (why couldn't I prevent it?).
She soon outed herself as homosexual and there was some sexual exploration at that time with WH's mom/dad/and other partners. (WH mistakenly found some pics as proof)
Doesn't this ring a bell with you with the whole group sex thing?
JMO but he needs IC big time.
D-day 3/4/08 Whole "truth" from OW 3/12/08
Ow#1, 6 months PA
Ow#2, 2 years PA & EA
"It takes 3 seconds to say "I love you", 3 hours to explain it, & a lifetime to prove it".
Anyone want to diagnose our LTA W's?
[This message edited by forgivenotforget at 8:02 PM, August 14th (Thursday)]
Thanks! WH & I were sitting here trying to figure it out
That statement in itself is very encouraging. That he is with you trying to figure it out.
LH - I am thinking of you and hoping for the best. But, no matter what happens, we are here for you. ((((LostHeart))))
good night...going to bed..."see" you all in the am.
LH travels home tomorrow, so I expect she will be logging in over the weekend. I said to contact me anytime if she wanted to blast off at her H. I hope it went ok for them and that that idiot H of hers can see what a wonderful W&M he has in her. Lost heart Ė youíre ALL heart!
she started having sex with all of them within a week....
I have to agree with shirley and the FOO issues. They sound very serious and you certainly took on a lot of baggage when you married him. IC, definitely. Or psychotherapy or even psychiatry. ASAP. Like, yesterday. But if you are happy with it, I am pleased to see your H is visiting with you here and yes, he will find support in Wayward, even if he only lurks! My H is not allowed, which is my choice. And I think he found it too painful to hang around for long.
And I donít think I can be bothered much more with all these whys and wherefores about his affair
[This message edited by UKgirl at 5:51 AM, August 15th (Friday)]
His affair has made me feel utterly worthless. The most appropriate adjective is insignificant; somehow that is worse than anything he claims to have felt. I was not even worth his consideration. Our marriage was not worth respecting. His wishes and desires were paramount.
[This message edited by forgivenotforget at 7:13 AM, August 15th (Friday)]
I just so guarded. I really donít think I feel anything for him right now. And that concerns me. He is doing everything I could ask of him. But, I just donít believe in him anymore. What do I do? Wait? We have MC on Wed next. I just want to push him away until then.
I don't think any of us would want to be with the men our H's were when they were having the affairs. I think that rabbi was right on when he said that the reasons men have affairs have little to nothing to do with their wives or with their feelings for their wives. It's all about their lack of commitment to living an honorable life.
I think a man can have a tremendous amount of affection for his wife and still have an affair (notice I didn't say love or respect, I said affection -- ie strictly feeling).
To have an affair you have to be willing to be a liar and a cheat, and our husbands were, through and through. Their actions showed that.
I think FNF hit the question you have to answer square on: has he changed or is he changing? Because if he isn't, no amount of affection for you will prevent this from happening again. And no amount of money or history or convenience or social standing or kids or any of that will make it worth your while to stay with him IMO.
How sad now to see his love shining out from his eyes and I feel nothing.
My mom took the kids until Monday. H is working 3-1130 this entire weekend (as usual). I need to let me expectations go, b/c they just never get met. I want him to call and ask me to go out for a drink after work and have a 'date' kind of weekend with lots of fun and lots of sex. I imagine I will get non e of that unless I suggest it. Yes, he will happily go along with it if I suggest but I want him to be interested, you know? I need to let that go. I hinted about the drinks by saying last night that he should take me out for a drink sometime. I don't think he'll follow through though. This sucks.
I'm going to concentrate on me. A girlfriend is coming over tonight to eat and hang out. Maybe tomorrow I will do a little organizing and rent a movie or something. Just a 'me' day to do what I want.
SoL. I have that non-proactive type too. Result? I get nothing unless itís golf or rugby related.
To have an affair you have to be willing to be a liar and a cheat,
I have determined never to make a rash decision unless I should ever discover that my H was involved in another A. Then it would be over.
I was waiting to get pregnant with child #4 and had a couple of miscarriages during the four years before falling for DS4 and moving to this house. When we moved for his career in í91, I was 33 and H 35 and he was in a mega job with the Range Rover company car, big salary, entertaining and expenses and we moved into a massive house that, even with the salary he was on we could barely afford. I was driving a top of the range Volvo estate. We were considering private school for all 3 boys until I fell for DS4. H was very fit, playing first team rugby, corporate golf and he probably felt that this was as good as it gets. Enter girl from work. No mobile phones, just car phones back then. No email either. She seems nice enough, so nice she offers to baby-sit our other three so we can go to some ďdoĒ for a weekend (I have a feeling it was a Shakespeare weekend in Stratford Ö. Yes, really). And she came to our house a few times. Her interaction was just a little too familiar for my comfort, even though she was living with her BF. H seemed to talk about her quite a lot. She worked for him for a couple of years, I think. Around that time, I donít even remember the year, I have my first attack of genital herpes. I didnít know what it was, it went away and I thought no more of it. Now, is it possible to contract herpes non-sexually? Neither of us has ever suffered from cold sores on the mouth, so that transfer is unlikely. And do women get outbreaks more often than men? Anyway, I get it in little spates of a few days at a time once a year or less. Iíve got an outbreak that started Thursday. Now, if he has been faithful and is telling the truth, (i.e. he has only had the one affair) he is going to assume Iíve been up to something in the past Ė which I have not. This could be lobbing a bomb into the fragile situation. Or am I better off staying quiet, as I have done all these years?
[This message edited by UKgirl at 4:05 AM, August 16th (Saturday)]
Hopefully someone will confirm what I think to be true.
I get cold sores, although they are a different Herpes virus, they work the same way. I could not have them for years and just this summer I've had 3 breakouts. I can have them from too much sun exposure, stress, another virus in my system, cracked dry lips.
Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda