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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affairs XI I
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 8:13 AM, August 16th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Her interaction was just a little too familiar for my comfort, even though she was living with her BF. H seemed to talk about her quite a lot.

UKG - this is as big of a red flag as the herpes. Your gut was screaming that they were acting in a way the employer and employee would not. Don't like the whole babysitting the kids thing at all either....the boundaries are getting muddled with that (was she "playing mommy" with your kids for your H?).

BTW, herpes can be spread from the mouth to the genitals...I learned that the hard way.


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
So Lost
♀ Member
Member # 16801
Default  Posted: 9:08 AM, August 16th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((UKGirl))) That must be so hard to keep to yourself and stew and worry. You are having such a hard summer and I am so sorry for that.

Herpes can definately lie dormant for years and years. So unless you were both virgins when you got married, there is no way of proving anything. Maybe for your own peace of mind you could get it off your chest and ask the question and see his reaction But if he says no and you have no way of proving it, how do you proceed from there? Would that be less peace than you have now? Only you can answer that.

My girlfriend cam over last night and we drank wine and laughed and had a great time. She is having a terrible time with a disabled son who had to get a colostomy last week and lots of medical problems as well as her two others, so she and I both needed a girls night.

H called at 11:30 pm when he was leaving work. He was very cheerful and had had a long class and actually was calling to see if I wanted to meet him for a drink!! I think he knew what I was hinting at before but didn't bite. Ass. Anyway, i had already had a few glasses of wine so I told him I would meet him after work tomorrow night. We watched the Olympics together and actually went up to bed at the same time (NEVER happens). No sex. A few kisses and then bed. That bummed me a bit but I think I will initiate tonight if he doesn't just for the sake of us connecting. So lowering my expectations as much as I could helped. Now to keep them low for tonight. It's a lot of pressure to do the same thing he did with her. You know? Going out for a drink after work and then having sex. That was their little action plan. Somehow I want to reclaim it.


Me: BS
Wh: WS
Dday 10/28/07
LTA with coworker
Attempting Reconciliation
he is remorseful, I am willing, we'll see what happens

Posts: 671 | Registered: Oct 2007
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 10:59 AM, August 16th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wouldnít know the difference, to be honest. Iím just assuming itís HSV2 cos of where it is. But, having been on the websites, I think they put up the worst pics Ė Iím nothing like those! And I have no other symptoms (unwell, fatigue, etc) although I can tally up to feeling stressed and hormonal. I also read from our netdoctor website that symptoms usually arise within a week of exposure to the virus and further outbreaks will be less severe than the first one. Itís not bad for me, a few days of discomfort and lasting a week or so from start to finish. By next weekend, it will have gone. As I say, when it first happened, I didnít think much of it. There was a lot going on in my life at that time, three young children all at different schools, Hís long hours at work, the big house, two dogs, visitors coming and going. Every school holiday was about packing the car up and going off somewhere or having friends and their hoards of kids over. My life was quite mad, when I look back on it.
ETA - I even started back at work a few mornings a week. And promptly fell pregnant!

[This message edited by UKgirl at 11:00 AM, August 16th (Saturday)]


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 11:14 AM, August 16th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oops! Once again I didnít see weíd gone to another page!
Your gut was screaming that they were acting in a way the employer and employee would not.

Yes. I have seen my H flirted with a lot, right from when I first knew him and the stupid little teen girls getting drunk and being all over him. Ugh. But he seemed to just find it faintly amusing and besides, guess what? I trusted him!!!
Herpes can definately lie dormant for years and years.

Maybe I should ask MOW Ö.. of anyone, she should know.

Somehow I want to reclaim it.

It was always yours. She just tried to steal it from you. Like everything else.

She is having a terrible time with a disabled son who had to get a colostomy last week and lots of medical problems as well as her two others,

Although Iíve had my problems with the boys, things like this make me count my blessings. All four of them healthy, happy and loved. I donít think WH thought of that during those years Ė how lucky and blessed he was to have it all.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
So Lost
♀ Member
Member # 16801
Default  Posted: 1:26 PM, August 16th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You know what? You're right. It is mine and she stole it for 4 1/2 fucking years. She had no right to it and they both knew t and chose not to think about any of it but to keep going on making themselves happy like a flippin horny teenager. Makes me sick.

My friend really makes me count my blessings as well. Her oldest is 15 then she has the 12 year old disabled son and then a 7 year old daughter that is good friends with my kids. He is on about a 1 year old level and did learn to walk at age 9. He can feed himself some but will never talk or been in any way independent. And has a multitude of health issues. Her mom gave up a child who was disabled b/c of pressure from her family and put him in an institute and always regretted it so my friend says she almost wasn't surprised when it happened. She felt she was meant to raise the child her mother was never able to. Very interesting.

H and I had a good day today. Went to lunch and then a bit of shopping before he went to work and talked and laughed. Are going to meet for a drink when he gets off work. Of course he didn't take his viagra (which he needs) and that makes me crazy b/c then I know he wasn't thinking about it. Hello??!! Kids gone for four days, think you might want to have sex with your wife??? I think it's the diabetes and the zoloft but sheesh. And he had no problem with her. Although he did finally admit she was very very aggressive so it was a bit easier and he liked feeling so wanted and sought after. Yeah, wouldn't we all.


Me: BS
Wh: WS
Dday 10/28/07
LTA with coworker
Attempting Reconciliation
he is remorseful, I am willing, we'll see what happens

Posts: 671 | Registered: Oct 2007
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 2:15 PM, August 16th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Are going to meet for a drink when he gets off work.

Good. Take the Viagra with you! Make the most of it, loll around, drink wine (if you can with viagra), some tasty canapes or rich chocolates and make it an early to bed evening.

See you in the morning. Relax and enjoy each otherís company!

I have an SI meet tomorrow in London and really looking forward to it.

LostH - shame you're not going to be there. If you do, it's Cvt Gdn for 12.30. but I think you'll be busy with other things. Fill us in on your week with it's bad, bad start. I so hope it was ok.

[This message edited by UKgirl at 2:16 PM, August 16th (Saturday)]


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 3:02 PM, August 16th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have an SI meet tomorrow in London and really looking forward to it.

Oooooh, have fun. Take pics and post in F&G. It is always great to see SIers meeting and having fun IRL.

BTW, UKG, have you heard any more from LostHeart?

LostH - let us know how you are.


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 3:03 PM, August 16th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BTW - today is my dday antiversary. H is trying to be extra nice, he knows the date and I have been in deep dark place for a couple of weeks. Just want to get through today and start year TWO!!


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
So Lost
♀ Member
Member # 16801
Default  Posted: 3:08 PM, August 16th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((Hurtshirley))))) Hang in there! i mentioned to H today that I was a bit nervous about our anniversary coming up. He had no idea why I would be. And I would bet money he does not know the exact date of dday. i am going to have to tell him though. It's a Tuesday and we'll both be home and I don't know how I will feel to have completed a year.


Me: BS
Wh: WS
Dday 10/28/07
LTA with coworker
Attempting Reconciliation
he is remorseful, I am willing, we'll see what happens

Posts: 671 | Registered: Oct 2007
hearbroken
Member
Member # 8317
Default  Posted: 3:19 PM, August 16th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((HS)))) Hang in there. Antiversaries suck & we are all glad when that day passes, huh? Mine is coming up at the end of this month but I was hardly even thinking about it, if you can believe it! But for me, it will be 3 years.

LH- hope you are having a grand time..... we miss you.

To all the rest of the gang, hello and hope you have a good weekend.

Hugs,
HB


Dday1 8/05 (LTA)
Dday2 4/09 (online EA 2 weeks then confessed)
Dday 3 8/10 ("full disclosure" of more infidelity prior to 2009)

Posts: 869 | Registered: Sep 2005
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 4:02 PM, August 16th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ahh. Anti-versaries. Best thing imho is to take off somewhere, or just let the day wash over. Itís gonna be bad either way. Breathe, schedule, drink, day over. Ugh.

My BIG problem is going to be our genuine 28th W anni on the same evening as my parents celebrate their diamond with family and friends. On their actual anni, they will be on a cruise in Scandinavia, with the family ďdoĒ being our anni w/end. Dad said he hoped we didnít mind their hijacking of the date ÖÖÖÖ. Sat 20th Sept. What to doÖ..??? It ainít gonna be good!! Iíll be a wreck by then!

But for me, it will be 3 years.

And I bet sometimes it still feels like yesterday.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 4:09 PM, August 16th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

shirley. The first anti-versary I spent telling his parents what a pos their son was Ö.. Had to be done. But, as yíall know, Iím a great one for getting in my car and taking off!

Let it go. A milestone and it's gone now. Walk and deep breathe the sea air on the LTA beach. (((((shirley))))) Better?


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 5:26 PM, August 16th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks guys...I just needed to get it out there and I know I will be okay...it just sucks. I did a hard workout and have been weeding in the garden trying to physically wear myself out so the mind will follow.

Did you guys see momof2's post in general:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=249921

yeah...just about sums it up.


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
BorrowTrouble
♀ Member
Member # 2435
Default  Posted: 6:04 PM, August 16th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thinking of you Shirley.

I don't know of anyway to get through days like this other than to just grit your teeth and count the seconds.


D-day 7/29/04.

Posts: 5711 | Registered: Oct 2003
Whatnow28
♀ Member
Member # 19345
Default  Posted: 6:33 PM, August 16th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((HUGS)) Hurtshirley. hope the day turns out to be okay

Funny you linked that article- I've had a rough day with WH and sent it to him through myspace to read.

Glad to see that others are having a good day. I've totally been on the pity pot & can't stop the negative thoughts. Poor WH keeps trying to give me time and then calls but I can't stop bringing up crap. I would love to be in a good mood when he gets home from work but I don't think it's gonna be possible.


ME: BW, 30 H: WH, 30 2 little boys

D-day 3/4/08 Whole "truth" from OW 3/12/08
Ow#1, 6 months PA
Ow#2, 2 years PA & EA

"It takes 3 seconds to say "I love you", 3 hours to explain it, & a lifetime to prove it".


Posts: 517 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: NE Coast
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 8:30 PM, August 16th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

get ready to read vent in general


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
So Lost
♀ Member
Member # 16801
Default  Posted: 10:24 PM, August 16th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Posted in general to you HS.

Getting all emotional watching Michael Phelps win the gold. So nervous about going out with H to have a drink. How stupid is that? We don't even know how to be together. I don't even know what to talk about. All I can think about is what did he talk to her about? He said how she was so easy to talk to. Dammit, I hate this. I need to take some deep breaths and calm down and just try to have fun. So much easier said than done.


Me: BS
Wh: WS
Dday 10/28/07
LTA with coworker
Attempting Reconciliation
he is remorseful, I am willing, we'll see what happens

Posts: 671 | Registered: Oct 2007
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 4:37 AM, August 17th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good morning all.

Got back at midnight last night and couldnt wait to log on. Darn, I missed you guys.

***

(((((((Shirley)))))))

The weekend will end soon enough. Hang tough, my friend.

***
I was delib numb the whole week. My priority was making sure the kids had a good time, and to try to make it up to them. H had tons of work to do, so he carried his laptop and spent the first 2 days on.That was fine, as we needed the time away.The kids did drive me a bit bonkers though, they were all over the place, one minute fine, next squabbling, next DD would be hugging H and thanking him for coming..I understood that they were so mixed up themselves on what had gone on the day before, and were reacting, and I tried to be calm, but honestly, all I wanted to do was run. Just get out and run as far and as fast as I could.

So we were polite and nice to each other, until I saw some of his work emails from X. And I started unravelling.

You see he and X had been good friend from when we lived here before (1998-2002)altho he hardly mentnioned her. When we came back, they worked a some projects toether. HE admitted after dday, when Isaw some "friendly" msgs to each other on Skype, that he did find her attractive, that they had worked alone at nights, and that he had given a her a lift late one night, but that was all. HE had insisted and agreed to tone down the msgs, and then she left. Now it seems that she came back about a month ago, he met her at the office a month ago, and they are working on a project together...and he has NEVER mentioned this once.

HE swears up and down that nothing inapp happ betw them then and now, and that they had just been friends. He swears that he forgot to mention it cos he has so much on his mind.

LAter on, he said that he is so scared of my OTT reaction (my swearing, my crying, my shaming, my hysterics...and WHEN was the LAST time I did that when you told me something!!!in the first year and part of the 2nd year), that he sub consciously blocks things that I should know. And that he genuinely then forgets.

So of course raises the question, what else have you forgotten?

He says nothing...which to me means you wont get anything until you find out.

I am so tired of this.
He apologised fr not telling me, for what went down the nigth before we left. Said it had been building for awhile now. I agreed. I have noticed that in the last 2 months, he has starting slacking up on all fronts.I have tried to be understanding, but I will admit the "understanding bone" in me has been worn out after years of being understanding and caring.

I told him if he wants out, then stop the ride, and let us both out.We can do this with civility, cos I know we both do love each other.

SoLost, I am sorry if I triggered you. I was panicked that night, the long term and short term implications of him not coming were pounding on my head. The short term one that really got me is that I am not a good long distance driver. I get very drowsy after an hour. He is the driver and I am the navigator. If the holiday had been closer to home, I know I would have been fine.

I know I will be fine,w/o him. And so will you SoL. You cant see that now, and I couldnt when I was at your stage either. But I believe that with all my heart now. I will be lonely and I will miss him, and it will be tough, but the kids and I will be ok.

Thank you all for all your love and good thoughts. I know that this is what helped me get through the week.

What happens now?
I dont know. And I am ok ('ish)with that (yes me control freak ).

I am a little fearful of him in the sense that he is now the unknown dangerous element in our lives. We are back home, the kids had a good enough holiday,and now we have to face the consequences.

My H is a weak, deeply troubled, man.Nothing like the strong capable man that I thought I married. However, he has made many changes in the last year. And it was brave of him to come on the trip, knwing it was much easier to stay home and vegetate.

A part of him (I hope a large part) wants to make things better for all of us, and he is trying. It remains to be seen whether this episode was a meltdown and a temp setback, or something much more insidious.

The amaxing (disturbing?)thing is that the very next day, it was like he had a switch turned - he was back to how he was a few months ago. He was loving and affectionate and kind and open.Whether this was another showface performance or whether he had been genuinely shocked out of his apathy, also remains to be seen. I dont trust him, nor do I trust myself with him.

All in all,I will proceed cautiously hereon.

Thank you all once again.


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
BorrowTrouble
♀ Member
Member # 2435
Default  Posted: 8:04 AM, August 17th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lost,

Maybe it was just the proximity/worry about being near his dysfunctional family member that sent him off the deep end. I know I get strange around my family, too.

No excuses, because what he did was absurd and not the way a grown person should be acting.

I'm glad you managed to pull some fun out of the trip for you and the kids. I had complete confidence that you would. You are a person of strength and courage and confidence and you will prevail.

I would watch this relationship with the work woman carefully. It will tell you a lot about who your H is today. He certainly didn't start off well, but now he has the chance to do better. Hopefully he will.

Glad to have you back.

BT


D-day 7/29/04.

Posts: 5711 | Registered: Oct 2003
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 8:31 AM, August 17th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lost,

Welcome back!! I knew you would manage to find a way to allow the kids to have fun. It still hurts me to think your children felt the need to hug daddy so he wouldn't leave so very sad that he did that to them.

I agree with BT that the family presence was probably a trigger. However, if that is the case, don't you think it makes sense to get to the bottom of that now with him so it doesn't happen again in the future?

As far as the woman at work, I would watch that carefully. The fact that he didn't tell you, even if it was "to protect you", is a red flag. Has he read Steering Clear? Not Just Friends? If not, now would be the perfect time. If so, sounds like a reread is in order.

Managed to talk to H this morning about the whole having his secretary do the planning thing. He honestly didn't see what the big deal was. I explained to him (albeit much more calmly this morning ) that his actions in the past minimized me and that, at this point, I feel he needs to be working extra hard to make me feel important to him, to feel special. Telling xxxxx - make a reservation - doesn't do that for me. What is even more ridiculous is that this is a restaurant that we go to a lot, we know the owners, we could make a 5 sec call and get the best table in the place. But he took those 5 seconds to farm it out to his secretary (rather than call himself) and then she screwed it up ...Christ they are so stupid.


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
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