Her interaction was just a little too familiar for my comfort, even though she was living with her BF. H seemed to talk about her quite a lot.
UKG - this is as big of a red flag as the herpes. Your gut was screaming that they were acting in a way the employer and employee would not. Don't like the whole babysitting the kids thing at all either....the boundaries are getting muddled with that (was she "playing mommy" with your kids for your H?).
BTW, herpes can be spread from the mouth to the genitals...I learned that the hard way.
Herpes can definately lie dormant for years and years. So unless you were both virgins when you got married, there is no way of proving anything. Maybe for your own peace of mind you could get it off your chest and ask the question and see his reaction But if he says no and you have no way of proving it, how do you proceed from there? Would that be less peace than you have now? Only you can answer that.
My girlfriend cam over last night and we drank wine and laughed and had a great time. She is having a terrible time with a disabled son who had to get a colostomy last week and lots of medical problems as well as her two others, so she and I both needed a girls night.
H called at 11:30 pm when he was leaving work. He was very cheerful and had had a long class and actually was calling to see if I wanted to meet him for a drink!! I think he knew what I was hinting at before but didn't bite. Ass. Anyway, i had already had a few glasses of wine so I told him I would meet him after work tomorrow night. We watched the Olympics together and actually went up to bed at the same time (NEVER happens). No sex. A few kisses and then bed. That bummed me a bit but I think I will initiate tonight if he doesn't just for the sake of us connecting. So lowering my expectations as much as I could helped. Now to keep them low for tonight. It's a lot of pressure to do the same thing he did with her. You know? Going out for a drink after work and then having sex. That was their little action plan. Somehow I want to reclaim it.
[This message edited by UKgirl at 11:00 AM, August 16th (Saturday)]
Your gut was screaming that they were acting in a way the employer and employee would not.
Herpes can definately lie dormant for years and years.
Somehow I want to reclaim it.
She is having a terrible time with a disabled son who had to get a colostomy last week and lots of medical problems as well as her two others,
My friend really makes me count my blessings as well. Her oldest is 15 then she has the 12 year old disabled son and then a 7 year old daughter that is good friends with my kids. He is on about a 1 year old level and did learn to walk at age 9. He can feed himself some but will never talk or been in any way independent. And has a multitude of health issues. Her mom gave up a child who was disabled b/c of pressure from her family and put him in an institute and always regretted it so my friend says she almost wasn't surprised when it happened. She felt she was meant to raise the child her mother was never able to. Very interesting.
H and I had a good day today. Went to lunch and then a bit of shopping before he went to work and talked and laughed. Are going to meet for a drink when he gets off work. Of course he didn't take his viagra (which he needs) and that makes me crazy b/c then I know he wasn't thinking about it. Hello??!! Kids gone for four days, think you might want to have sex with your wife??? I think it's the diabetes and the zoloft but sheesh. And he had no problem with her. Although he did finally admit she was very very aggressive so it was a bit easier and he liked feeling so wanted and sought after. Yeah, wouldn't we all.
Are going to meet for a drink when he gets off work.
See you in the morning. Relax and enjoy each otherís company!
I have an SI meet tomorrow in London and really looking forward to it.
LostH - shame you're not going to be there. If you do, it's Cvt Gdn for 12.30. but I think you'll be busy with other things. Fill us in on your week with it's bad, bad start. I so hope it was ok.
[This message edited by UKgirl at 2:16 PM, August 16th (Saturday)]
I have an SI meet tomorrow in London and really looking forward to it.
Oooooh, have fun. Take pics and post in F&G. It is always great to see SIers meeting and having fun IRL.
BTW, UKG, have you heard any more from LostHeart?
LostH - let us know how you are.
LH- hope you are having a grand time..... we miss you.
To all the rest of the gang, hello and hope you have a good weekend.
My BIG problem is going to be our genuine 28th W anni on the same evening as my parents celebrate their diamond with family and friends. On their actual anni, they will be on a cruise in Scandinavia, with the family ďdoĒ being our anni w/end. Dad said he hoped we didnít mind their hijacking of the date ÖÖÖÖ. Sat 20th Sept. What to doÖ..??? It ainít gonna be good!! Iíll be a wreck by then!
But for me, it will be 3 years.
Let it go. A milestone and it's gone now. Walk and deep breathe the sea air on the LTA beach. (((((shirley))))) Better?
Did you guys see momof2's post in general:
yeah...just about sums it up.
I don't know of anyway to get through days like this other than to just grit your teeth and count the seconds.
Funny you linked that article- I've had a rough day with WH and sent it to him through myspace to read.
Glad to see that others are having a good day. I've totally been on the pity pot & can't stop the negative thoughts. Poor WH keeps trying to give me time and then calls but I can't stop bringing up crap. I would love to be in a good mood when he gets home from work but I don't think it's gonna be possible.
D-day 3/4/08 Whole "truth" from OW 3/12/08
Ow#1, 6 months PA
Ow#2, 2 years PA & EA
"It takes 3 seconds to say "I love you", 3 hours to explain it, & a lifetime to prove it".
Getting all emotional watching Michael Phelps win the gold. So nervous about going out with H to have a drink. How stupid is that? We don't even know how to be together. I don't even know what to talk about. All I can think about is what did he talk to her about? He said how she was so easy to talk to. Dammit, I hate this. I need to take some deep breaths and calm down and just try to have fun. So much easier said than done.
Got back at midnight last night and couldnt wait to log on. Darn, I missed you guys.
The weekend will end soon enough. Hang tough, my friend.
I was delib numb the whole week. My priority was making sure the kids had a good time, and to try to make it up to them. H had tons of work to do, so he carried his laptop and spent the first 2 days on.That was fine, as we needed the time away.The kids did drive me a bit bonkers though, they were all over the place, one minute fine, next squabbling, next DD would be hugging H and thanking him for coming..I understood that they were so mixed up themselves on what had gone on the day before, and were reacting, and I tried to be calm, but honestly, all I wanted to do was run. Just get out and run as far and as fast as I could.
So we were polite and nice to each other, until I saw some of his work emails from X. And I started unravelling.
You see he and X had been good friend from when we lived here before (1998-2002)altho he hardly mentnioned her. When we came back, they worked a some projects toether. HE admitted after dday, when Isaw some "friendly" msgs to each other on Skype, that he did find her attractive, that they had worked alone at nights, and that he had given a her a lift late one night, but that was all. HE had insisted and agreed to tone down the msgs, and then she left. Now it seems that she came back about a month ago, he met her at the office a month ago, and they are working on a project together...and he has NEVER mentioned this once.
HE swears up and down that nothing inapp happ betw them then and now, and that they had just been friends. He swears that he forgot to mention it cos he has so much on his mind.
LAter on, he said that he is so scared of my OTT reaction (my swearing, my crying, my shaming, my hysterics...and WHEN was the LAST time I did that when you told me something!!!in the first year and part of the 2nd year), that he sub consciously blocks things that I should know. And that he genuinely then forgets.
So of course raises the question, what else have you forgotten?
He says nothing...which to me means you wont get anything until you find out.
I am so tired of this.
He apologised fr not telling me, for what went down the nigth before we left. Said it had been building for awhile now. I agreed. I have noticed that in the last 2 months, he has starting slacking up on all fronts.I have tried to be understanding, but I will admit the "understanding bone" in me has been worn out after years of being understanding and caring.
I told him if he wants out, then stop the ride, and let us both out.We can do this with civility, cos I know we both do love each other.
SoLost, I am sorry if I triggered you. I was panicked that night, the long term and short term implications of him not coming were pounding on my head. The short term one that really got me is that I am not a good long distance driver. I get very drowsy after an hour. He is the driver and I am the navigator. If the holiday had been closer to home, I know I would have been fine.
I know I will be fine,w/o him. And so will you SoL. You cant see that now, and I couldnt when I was at your stage either. But I believe that with all my heart now. I will be lonely and I will miss him, and it will be tough, but the kids and I will be ok.
Thank you all for all your love and good thoughts. I know that this is what helped me get through the week.
What happens now?
I dont know. And I am ok ('ish)with that (yes me control freak ).
I am a little fearful of him in the sense that he is now the unknown dangerous element in our lives. We are back home, the kids had a good enough holiday,and now we have to face the consequences.
My H is a weak, deeply troubled, man.Nothing like the strong capable man that I thought I married. However, he has made many changes in the last year. And it was brave of him to come on the trip, knwing it was much easier to stay home and vegetate.
A part of him (I hope a large part) wants to make things better for all of us, and he is trying. It remains to be seen whether this episode was a meltdown and a temp setback, or something much more insidious.
The amaxing (disturbing?)thing is that the very next day, it was like he had a switch turned - he was back to how he was a few months ago. He was loving and affectionate and kind and open.Whether this was another showface performance or whether he had been genuinely shocked out of his apathy, also remains to be seen. I dont trust him, nor do I trust myself with him.
All in all,I will proceed cautiously hereon.
Thank you all once again.
Maybe it was just the proximity/worry about being near his dysfunctional family member that sent him off the deep end. I know I get strange around my family, too.
No excuses, because what he did was absurd and not the way a grown person should be acting.
I'm glad you managed to pull some fun out of the trip for you and the kids. I had complete confidence that you would. You are a person of strength and courage and confidence and you will prevail.
I would watch this relationship with the work woman carefully. It will tell you a lot about who your H is today. He certainly didn't start off well, but now he has the chance to do better. Hopefully he will.
Glad to have you back.
Welcome back!! I knew you would manage to find a way to allow the kids to have fun. It still hurts me to think your children felt the need to hug daddy so he wouldn't leave so very sad that he did that to them.
I agree with BT that the family presence was probably a trigger. However, if that is the case, don't you think it makes sense to get to the bottom of that now with him so it doesn't happen again in the future?
As far as the woman at work, I would watch that carefully. The fact that he didn't tell you, even if it was "to protect you", is a red flag. Has he read Steering Clear? Not Just Friends? If not, now would be the perfect time. If so, sounds like a reread is in order.
Managed to talk to H this morning about the whole having his secretary do the planning thing. He honestly didn't see what the big deal was. I explained to him (albeit much more calmly this morning ) that his actions in the past minimized me and that, at this point, I feel he needs to be working extra hard to make me feel important to him, to feel special. Telling xxxxx - make a reservation - doesn't do that for me. What is even more ridiculous is that this is a restaurant that we go to a lot, we know the owners, we could make a 5 sec call and get the best table in the place. But he took those 5 seconds to farm it out to his secretary (rather than call himself) and then she screwed it up ...Christ they are so stupid.