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User Topic: Long Term Affairs XI I
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 5:46 AM, August 18th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LH, aren't they a blessing?

DD took me out last night to find a movie. This was after a mini-meltdown I thought I had kept to myself. He was joking and hugging me. DD is not much of a comfort, but her antics are a distraction.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 8:28 AM, August 18th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LH - I am so happy to see you back with us again. I missed you.
I just wish I had something to offer you in terms of advice but I honestly don't know what to make of your H's attitude. Is he on AD's? He certainly sounds like he needs them. I would like to join the others though in saying that I'd keep a watch on the relationship with the office girl. I'm getting the sense that he may be freaking a little himself - fearing his own weakness. Some of the things he has been saying lately about how you are alone, you can't count on him, telling the children that he is a bad person, to me indicates a deep-seated fear and lack of trust in himself. KWIM??? I do hope he is going to his IC faithfully and discussing his fear with him/her.
As far as that SIL - I agree with HS on this one. Your H took care of this - even if he totally fucked it up - so why bother trying to explain yourself. Do you really care what she thinks about you? Let her think what she likes, she will anyway! Fuck her, that's my humble opinion.
Sorry I wasn't around this weekend but we had a family gathering to honor my aunt who died one year ago yesterday. She was a second mother to me, so warm and loving and a complete support to me when she learned of my H's LTA. It was a very emotional weekend but it was also a celebration because of the wonderful, loving, gentle person she was. I talk to her all the time if you KWIM and I hope she is looking after me from above. I feel like she is, I really do.
HS - How are you doing? That first anti-versary is so difficult. I wish I had been there for you but I'm here if there's anything I can do for you now. I'm sorry too that your H fucked up your dinner. They can be so clueless even when they are trying to do something good. As tough as it is, we have to give them some credit for at least trying. My H and I had a restaurant that we thought of as our special place and when we tried to make reservations after d-day we learned that they had closed. Funny thing was that although initially I was very disappointed, I later thought that maybe it was a good thing. We were starting over and it was time to find new places and make new memories. We can't go back because those old places can sometimes remind us of what we have lost. That's the way I feel anyway. I don't know if it's the same for you though. Either way, I do hope you are feeling stronger today. ((((HS))))
SL - My H also said the same thing about how sexually aggressive the OW was and that was the reason it went on for so long. He said he didn't think I was interested in sex and because she was so aggressive about it he thought this would be ok with me. Seriously, this gets me so damn furious even now. Then after d-day, we need them to pursue us but I think, at least from my H's POV, that they are looking to us to be the initiator because they can't believe we would want to have sex with them after what they did to us and then there is that piece that they have always been insecure about our desire for them and still, after all of this, need us to let them know we want them. It's so fucked up but on some level I understand it. When I do initiate, my H is thrilled and all smiles and tells me multiple times how much it meant to him. I need to be desired, need to feel like he wants me but I know that is how he feels too and so I try on occasion to give that to him. I don't know if that's they way it is with your H but I thought I'd offer that up as a possibility.
Weepy and LH - our children are our blessings and I don't think I ever could have gotten to this point without their love and affection. They are what keeps me going.

[This message edited by forgivenotforget at 8:32 AM, August 18th (Monday)]


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
martala
♀ New Member
Member # 20691
Default  Posted: 1:38 PM, August 18th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can't do that right now. I just can't. It hurt his feelings and i don't care. I can't love him right now, and i don't know if I really want to.

I understand how you feel. I too am ignoring "right things" and just doing what I want, what feels good to me. My HA lasted 3 years...thanks to Oprah and her "Ahah moment" I did a little checking NEVER expecting to find a thing. I don't know if I will ever want to do what is best for him...I feel that to do so I am agreeing that "the little fling" is over and let's just forget about it. I hate this feeling.

Posts: 8 | Registered: Aug 2008
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 2:12 PM, August 18th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Fnf.
I missed our little home here.Glad to be back.

Re your weekend :what a wonderful way to honour your aunt's life. She sounds awesome...like you.

***
Welcome Martala.
I look forward to getting to know you.


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
hearbroken
Member
Member # 8317
Default  Posted: 9:42 PM, August 18th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Martala- Welcome. Noone likes to "be" in this position, but here you will find people that actually understand what you are going through.

LH- Welcome back. With all that is going on with your in-laws it just adds to the stress, huh? I know you will stand up for yourself in the best way for LH and family.

Catch up with you all later.
HB


Dday1 8/05 (LTA)
Dday2 4/09 (online EA 2 weeks then confessed)
Dday 3 8/10 ("full disclosure" of more infidelity prior to 2009)

Posts: 869 | Registered: Sep 2005
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 5:25 AM, August 19th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You know...I wish he had cut me off during his affairs because at least it would have been a clue.

shirley, as a couple of us will tell you, complete abstinance with us has it's own lovely little problems. the sense that we are now "owed" what we didn't get then. The knowledge that all of their sexual needs were being taken care of somewhere else and they didn't want us at all. Believe me, the two "pity" or "forced" sex times I can remember having during his affairs are etched in my brain. One I'm sure was to throw me off the track and the other... well, I might as well have raped him, along with the begging. NOT fond memories.

I'm not a clueless person. I believed him and the other poster I'm thinking of believed her H's reasoning too. When they said it had nothing to do with us, it was their decisionfor sometimes "noble" reasons, it still didn't flag anything because it fit in with the rest of their behavior at the time.

So I'm not having sex now... is he cheating? Nothing points that way except the absence of sex.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 6:19 AM, August 19th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LH- Welcome back. With all that is going on with your in-laws it just adds to the stress, huh?

Thanks HB.SIL leaves on Thursday.Then the s**t will really hit the fan as the news will spread in our community about my stance. Then again, since she is uh...well known..maybe not.

Surprise mail came from my younger sister yesterday. I had emailed her what had gone down briefly, as I knew my mum would hear about it soon, and I didnt want to "go there" with her when she returns this week.
To my surprise, my sister said that they all stood behind me, inclu my mum. Ok....
However, I am not going to count on anyone to back me up should any consequences come up. I made the call,and I have to be ready to face it.

***
Weepy, how are you? How is the new job? Still being feted on by the youngsters?


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 6:26 AM, August 19th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi martala. If you feel you fit here, welcome to our corner. Sit down and tell us your story when you are ready.

Oh (((LostH))) sweetie. Your H really does have some issues. I really don’t know what to say that hasn’t already been said. Once again he is making you the route cause of his relationship problems with your children, his SIL and every other family member – that blameshifting must make you want to bat him into next week. And you knowing is isn’t you but him doesn’t make it any easier. And don’t you even think about allowing him to put anything on you. He wanted the attention when he said to go off by yourself and, sadly, he got it. He should have apologised to all of you for the pathetic childish behaviour, given himself a good talking to and thanked his lucky stars you lot even wanted him there.
and that they had just been friends

That crappy line again. We all know what that means. Your H has a problem with boundaries, or has he forgotten?
I think BT is right, you have to think of yourself as a single survival unit. He cannot be allowed to drag you down like this. You cannot fix him. While he is in IC (still doing it?), then he is accepting he needs help. But you have to walk your own road and he has to walk his. Until he understands exactly what marriage is, he will not walk the same road as you.

You know...I wish he had cut me off during his affairs because at least it would have been a clue.

I struggle with this one. If he had cut me off, left clues lying around, cut out sex, stopped interacting on a family level, whatever. If I had known anything before about four and a half year duration of the affair, I think my H was so far into his renewed relationship (path untrod and all that crap), he would have chosen her. He would probably have regretted it, but I think her pull on him was so strong and she so desperately wanted to have him, he would have left the marriage. As it was, it burned itself out. But it’s all part of the puzzle – all the “if only”s.

He said he didn't think I was interested in sex

I hate that. H used to say “so don’t you want a physical relationship with me anymore?” Why would I want sex with someone who seemed emotionally detached, aggressive (almost) and animal in his behaviour on that front? Mostly it was basic fucking and over with in 10mins. And of course he was blameshifting because he either felt guilty being unable to give me intimacy during sex or would rather have the same sort of sex with me as he was having with her. Whatever it was, I know now it wasn’t my fault. I think that he doesn’t have a problem initiating with me because he feels he has got back what was lost during the affair. He just didn’t realise it was lost until after DDay. And I have told him I need to be wanted because that tells me he didn’t have the affair due to my undesirability.

Now we have MC tonight. I have the memory stick thing to read (usual lies and rewritten history, I think I’m never going to “know”). Does anyone have an opinion about the HSV2 and what I should do? Could I be opening something here that has the potential to destroy everything so far? He is still saying there was no one else apart from Rosemary. I am not so sure.
Oh, and the meet was great! I have come to the conclusion that caring unselfish people join SI. There was just a good feel because we are, actually, very nice folk! I was glad that howcouldhe1 managed to come. Her H is in hospital in a coma with a severe head injury not far from where we met up. She took some respite time out. And, of course, it slaps things into perspective with the whole fragility of life. So LostH – next time you be there too!


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 6:44 AM, August 19th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He said he didn't think I was interested in sex

Oh, my H used this one too recently in a slightly different format "How about all the times you didn't want to have sex with me? How do you think that made me feel?" I said "I wouldn't know you never told me. I am telling you."

I just spent another fortune on Amazon buying "how can he do that?" type books. Books on abusive relationships. LH, might be a good place for you to start to. And there was one on "Can they change?" That's going to be my barometer.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 7:22 AM, August 19th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HS - I agree with UKG and Weepy on this one. My H rarely approached me during the A years and told me he was no longer interested in sex. He actually said something so stupid, I'll paraphrase here, that to this day it can get me all riled up. He said, "Like the great philosopher Aristotle once said, I am no longer interested in sex, I am moving on to more important things in life." What a fucktard!
I don't know why I accepted this. I was 42 at the time but since my H is older than me I thought possibly it was his age and he had already begun having performance issues so I didn't want to make him feel worse and thought he could have been trying to take the pressure off of himself. I look back on all those years and get so angry with myself because I never pushed the issue and I felt so cheated. Then when I learned the real reason, I wanted to beat the crap out of him.
It is interesting to go back to that time and remember what was going on in our lives. Our DD was going through a very rough time and was draining me of my energy. My H and I were fighting all the time over her trying to figure out what was going on and each of us had different ideas about what to do. In addition, he was blaming me all the time for her problems. "It's because you always favored DD#2, You don't give her enough attention." Stuff like that.
So between the stress of getting her through those years and the anger I felt at my H for trying to blame me and his lack of support our sex life was suffering. There was so much tension in our home during those years so I guess he needed an escape and the OW was ready and willing to open her legs to him. As I said earlier, I thought we were friends and the two of us would go to tough love meetings together because her son was a drug addict and we would go out afterward and talk about how difficult it was dealing with our troubled children. I guess she wanted to escape too and god only knows what I was telling her about my M during those months. She used my vulnerability against me that much I can be sure of.
It's frightening to think of how evil some people can be.
So, HS, there are I'm sure, many of us whose H's lost interest in us sexually and still we found reasons for their lack of interest, never believing that they were cheating because that thought was so foreign to our way of thinking.
HS - we haven't seen you here for a couple of days. Are you OK??? I am worried because of the timing here and I just wanted you to know that I'm thinking of you and hoping you're ok.
(((HS)))


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 7:47 AM, August 19th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is interesting to go back to that time and remember what was going on in our lives.

No, it's not interesting, it's devastating. Our kids were dealing with their disability and school was a real challenge. My H was in total denial about their lack of vision. Totally. He'd actually say things like "they can see, they just want you to do it for them."

He was never around. In 1988 he started his own business when I was 5 mo. pregnant with out son. I supported him because I knew how unhappy he was at his previous employer. I took on the household responsibility because he ASKED ME TO. AND he forced me to by not being around. Being unavailable during any work hours because even in the rain, "someone might need a repair and what's he' going to do with two kids in tow." Childcare costs were KILLING us and at the time we didn't have to pay if we weren't there. But he was even too "busy" to go pick them up for me so that I might be able to get home earlier.

I left the house at 7 AM and got home at 6 PM, then made dinner, then supervised homework or did laundry or packed lunches. His contribution was to come home, eat, fall asleep. You know I recognized his exhaustion. I'd lived with him being a roofer for 15 years prior to that. TO hear him tell it, he'd come home and I'd be miserable and he went to bed to avoid hearing me tell him what I needed him to do.

When our D was born, he was 100% invested in the M and her. When our son was born, he abandoned him. He never got the attention from my H that he craved. H would say things like "I don't know what to do with him... he can't see, he's not interested in sports, let's wait until he's older and maybe he can join the boy scouts." Well, he did, my H joined with him... The leader was the one helping our son, not my H. I found out he would drop him off and go see OW, who lived like 5 blocks away from the meeting. Oh, he'd do the campouts and help him with his badges, (after berating him for not doing them right.)

My son actually said to me yesterday, after I again tried to explain his father's behavior... "So, you're telling me that I'll be him later because I didn't ahve a father figure and he always abused me for not being good enough." I told him I hoped not because he at least had a mother who was invested in him. Dad didn't even have that.

My mother had retired and gotten sick, finally dying in '99. Yes, I helped her. Yes, probably more than I should have.

H said I didn't want sex? I didn't recognize him coming home after 12 hours at work and grabbing my breast as an "invitation to make love". I "rejected" HIM.

Look, I'm not saying I was perfect. I know my unspoken and spoken resentment was a barrier. But it got a ton worse during the affair period and for good reason. He refused to acknowledge that. He remembers being rejected and lonely. And his OW was supposedly the aggressor too. BUT he COULD walk in her house, grab her tit and have her drop to her knees and blow him. I couldn't do that with two kids at the kitchen table waiting to get fed, bills to pay, laundry to do. Gee, that's all he wanted from me was complete and total sexual compliance.

Didn't help that he was working with a bunch of hounds either. One guy apparently made it a habit of screwing the homeowner or a member of the family, at almost every job. The other guy was a roaring alcoholic who's wife was so distraught over his behavior and needed to help... THAT's the woman he's been calling. I KNOW to talk to her H, but I don't need that spark reignighted.

Fuck I am so angry at him.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 8:03 AM, August 19th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Weepy - Our stories make me think of BT's post to LH about "teams." Our H's weren't team players. We went solo for most of our married lives and they denied us their support and companionship during the difficult years with our children. They blamed us because we didn't have time for them when they finally graced us with their appearance. I know I was exhausted many nights when my H finally made it home. Sounds like you were too. And like you said, were we supposed to drop to our knees for them when they did get home. Most times, I was too pissed to even want to give him a kiss.
Yep, we went solo. We were a one man team. Now we're trying to change that dynamic and it is an uphill battle. What's the saying, Old habits die hard, or something like that.
In all fairness to my H, I do see him making the effort to participate in our lives. It feels so strange and sometimes I feel like I liked it better when I didn't have his input.
I got used to going solo and now having to compromise I find I'm not as good at that as I'd like to be. Very confusing!


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
So Lost
♀ Member
Member # 16801
Default  Posted: 10:30 AM, August 19th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If I had known anything before about four and a half year duration of the affair, I think my H was so far into his renewed relationship (path untrod and all that crap), he would have chosen her. He would probably have regretted it, but I think her pull on him was so strong and she so desperately wanted to have him, he would have left the marriage

I look back and feel so stupid. The hickey on his neck that I confronted him about after staying out until 4 am that he blew off and I accepted. The constant late nights and lies. The no sex. But that above statement explains it all for me I think. I believe if I had confronted and really investigated, the marriage would have ended. And maybe it's not suppose to end. I haven't figured that NW out yet. But i am pretty sure back then i would have. One, he would have been immersed in it and two, I probably would have said f you and left. We lived i my house that I could afford and I could have kicked him out. It is so frustrating to not have that financial freedom anymore, although maybe that's God's plan to help me stay and work it out. Who knows?


Me: BS
Wh: WS
Dday 10/28/07
LTA with coworker
Attempting Reconciliation
he is remorseful, I am willing, we'll see what happens

Posts: 671 | Registered: Oct 2007
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 11:39 AM, August 19th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"Like the great philosopher Aristotle once said, I am no longer interested in sex, I am moving on to more important things in life."

IOW the affair, which somehow wasn’t about sex. Riiiiiggghht

Then when I learned the real reason, I wanted to beat the crap out of him.

Now he says not to remind him of what he said, I have no idea of how bad it makes him feel. Really? Yes FNF, I wanted to beat the crap out of him when he said it after DDay as some kind of witty remark and I quietly said to him that he used to say that all the time.

It is interesting to go back to that time and remember what was going on in our lives.

It was so bad that he needed an escape from reality. Indeed, it was “a lovely distraction from what was happening”. I’d like to know WHAT WAS so bad that he couldn’t deal with it next to me and with me instead of going off to lose himself in his fucking lost love. How come he expected ME to deal with things if HE couldn’t? I remember very well what was going on in our lives and that is why I am so angry. He effectively abandoned me, but he couldn’t afford to lose me because I was giving so much support. The is absolutely no way he could have dealt with a divorce and all the implications into the bargain.

And I can identify with your last comment, FNF. A big part of him wants to deny him access into the family home and life. He forced me to take the reins and how he wants to share again.

And I’ve read the doc he gave me. Yep. He’s rewritten history. What was it about her? History. Says he never stopped loving me. In fact he now says he was always “in love” with me. Here’s a bit of the stuff he wrote:
I don’t think that I was looking at her or at myself in the real world. There was an element of escapism, not hugely overwhelming, but there was also a deep sense of low self-esteem. I had failed at everything so it didn’t matter what I did next. I was a failure. This still does not explain why I went from meeting her, slightly surprised and saddened at what time had done to her, to having an affair. Doubtless, she spent time and effort on looking good and making sure that she was telling me all the right things, but I have had that before and never had a problem walking away. There were three phases. Firstly disbelief at what I had done. Secondly, carried on recklessly and with little regard for what it was doing to her and to us, especially when I re-ignited the relationship; and, finally, the growing realisation that having the affair was a dreadful choice, ill-conceived, and something that was going to be hideously difficult to deal with. Like being adrift in a sea, there were waves of emotions pushing and pulling, and I was a coward frightened of drowning.
And:
I don’t deny that it was, at times, an escape from reality; that I enjoyed her company, elements of role play, a lovely distraction from what was happening but, not once did I forget that I was the architect of the difficulties. It never stopped me from being with her but it stopped me from giving of myself to that point when you no longer counted. I never stopped loving you.
A lovely distraction. From what exactly? And that somehow I could carry the weight of it all without leaving the marriage? So if he loved me so much, why’d he feel the need to fuck another woman? Or ask her to marry him? Or tell her he’d waited twenty five fucking years for her? Or count the days they had been back together? Or “live as man and wife” for a week? Or pursue her relentlessly, even when she tried (not very hard) to end it? Or write all that angst ridden poetry about her? He never stopped loving me. What utter tosh. He was going to get found out. She was a ticking time bomb and there would come a moment in her alcohol fuelled evenings she was going to say or text or email me. I wish I’d had a “distraction”. I wish I could get a “distraction” from all this fucking pain.

Sorry. That turned into (another) rant.
I think I’m getting seriously fucked up here. Sometimes I just want to scream until I expire.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 11:41 AM, August 19th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Actually, his crap reads as pure arrogance.

He did because he wanted to and could. POS fuckwit.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 11:46 AM, August 19th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I look back and feel so stupid.

Don't. You're not, I'm not, we're not. They just became accomplished liars and we believed them b/c we believed in the trust and honestly we thought that was the fundamental nature of our relationships.
ETA got booted off before I finished.

[This message edited by UKgirl at 11:57 AM, August 19th (Tuesday)]


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 12:02 PM, August 19th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi guys.

Ukg, I will try v hard to be there next time.I wanted to catch up with GHD too.

***
I read through some of the reminscing here. Do you guys ever try to just not go back there? I will myself not to think about the past, cos I know it will open up a whole bunch of sores that really cant be healed. There is nothing H can do now to heal them. They have been done. And I find looking back and reliving just sometimes stops me from dealing with the now, KWIM?

I was going through my PM box and found one by BT who, as usual, said the right thing at the right time ( BT).

There are 2 points I want to mention, cos I realised that they are still applicable to me now in my prsent sitch, and might help someone else too.

1. My anger.
H uses my anger; he feeds off it.And I end up feeling worse. He pokes and prods, and I take the bait and before I know it, I am spewing venom. Which he uses for whatever need he has (to vent on me, to make himself feel/look better etc).
I have to stop taking the bait. I have to find other ways to deal with my anger. And he will have to deal with whatver need he has by himself.

2. Our disrespect towards each other.

you treat people with respect and kindness you almost always wind up ahead. If you treat them like a boob, they'll most likely be one

Thats a lesson I had forgotten. I am not taking responsibility for H's actions. But I need to see my part in them too.

(Apologies to BT if I misresprented the gist. )

***
(((((((Tribe))))))


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 1:11 PM, August 19th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'll be back on later to finish this up, but had to get this off my chest....

I do see him making the effort to participate in our lives.

I see this too, but in a very negative fashion. BEFORE I knew he was getting involved with DS's college plans, they bought dirt bikes together. He was home for DD's special evenings.

Now he's here, but he's all gangbusters and pushing for HIS WAY OR the highway again and yes, that does rankle. Any more when I come up against that I just say "fine, do it your way." And watch as it NEVER GETS DONE. Six month later when I bring it up he says nothing happened with that plan because I was against it.

I really think the man is not just emotionally stunted, but mentally as well.

He spent a half an hour trying to convince me the tree out front of our house is purple. I bought red, I know it's red. I let him go on the internet and research and print off color samples etc. He was wrong, so he never said another word about something so critical 2 hours before.

He'll move DS down to his apartment "on his own sweet timetable" So what do I have to do? Rent a moving truck and drive him down myself? The kid starts classes in 2 weeks.

DS told us last night that his old gf had unprotected sex with someone and is freaked out that she might be pregnant. Not a comfortable conversation. Especially when he said she told him she'd made a "mistake". I asked him "was it a mistake?" He said no, it was a bad decision. I just said "yep, there's a lot of decision making going, a lot of places to stop and consider consequences and decide to continue. Please don't call it a mistake." H of course, is going on about the diseases and etc. and I'm burning. Finally when all was reported I said, well she might as well go for the trifecta... she doesn't know him, had unprotected sex, the only thing left is he's married. He said she doesn't even know that.

Think we could discuss this quietly ourselves? No f'ng way. It's HER problem, has nothing to do with what he did... afteralll, he didn't get her pregnant, never was unprotected (lie).


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 1:32 PM, August 19th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do you guys ever try to just not go back there? I will myself not to think about the past, cos I know it will open up a whole bunch of sores that really cant be healed. There is nothing H can do now to heal them. They have been done. And I find looking back and reliving just sometimes stops me from dealing with the now, KWIM?

LH - I know on some level what you say is true but I also feel that I have to find something in the past that makes sense out of why and how my H could have carried on an 8 year A. It is so overwhelming to me - to know that I have been married to a man who was so adept at lying and betraying me and felt very little guilt or concern for the pain he would cause me. When I go back and remember I try to figure out when our relationship started to unravel. I keep thinking I'm going to find an answer that I can live with. I know in the past I have posted the fable about the wise old man who tells someone that "you have learned that you can't know the answers to all things and you have learned to stop the pain" and I try to live by that but I think I will go to my deathbed trying to figure out how my H could have ever done this to me and to us.


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 2:27 PM, August 19th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((Fnf))))))

I think I will go to my deathbed trying to figure out how my H could have ever done this to me and to us.

Fnf, I have twisted and turned this over and over in my head since dday.How H did what he did, all the time making me believe that I was the crazy loony one, making EVERYONE believe that whilst he was the sane rational poor understanding H.

I just cant understand it...no more so than I can understand how a man can have a LTA with a 14 girl, then gets her to run away, gets her pg, keeps her hidden moving her from hotel to hotel as she was underage till she turned 18 and is completely forsaken by her family, then brings her home and she finds out that he had been married all the time (and had a DS) and had just then gotten a D...my parents.

I dont understand how these things work. And It Drove Me Insane. You guys bore witness to that.

I guess I am a bit of chicken for not wanting to think about all that stuff 'cos for this black-and-white--be-kind- unto-others-as-you want-them-to-be-unto-you girl...it is too much.

I have to, for MY sanity, try to focus on the present and the not so distant past. Go too far and I will drown, KWIM?

I had to make some kind of peace with myself that some things just cant be made sense of. And that my H had to have been a very very damaged man to have done that.

I hope I didnt offend you, Fnf. That sentence of yours just made my heart ache.

Sorry, my dear dear friend.


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
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