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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affairs XI I
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 9:11 PM, August 21st (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

H called his sister to see if her shore place was available for Labor Day weekend. She got back to us today and said it was. So he says to me "are we still interested?" I say "I am". Then he starts to TELL me what I think.

So I say to him "I want to go. Now it's up to you." "Well, I don't want to go with you being miserable the whole time, so forget it."

Weepy -

I can't think of an emoticon that I don't want to use for that statement. He makes the effort to call, she says yes, you says yes and then he tells you that your not going because YOU will be miserable. Don't think so buddy - he is the miserable one. I do not know how you do it but I am here to give you hugs.

(((((Weepy))))


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 9:18 PM, August 21st (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((lostheart)))))

I missed your post as I was posting. I don't know your culture but I do know that you have done everything in your power to make this work. You have given for him to make it right for the children. You have given for him to make it alright for him. You have given to make it alright for you family. It is time to take care of you.

I don't know any of the laws where you are...I wish I did so I could help. If there are "elders" involved I have to believe that they would work to make it right for the family. Here is my concern, flat out truth. Since before your holiday, he has been in touch with the toxic SIL and has been distant from you. I worry that you might be getting "set up". Please take care of yourself.

((((lostheart))))


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 9:19 PM, August 21st (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Shirley.

Pass over the bottle, will you?

Oh crap. I dont drink. So bloody unfair.


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 9:23 PM, August 21st (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Alright...going down to the cellar to get bottle two. I am starting to honestly believe that I may have one of the only truly remorseful spouses in LTA and I am stilled anger and hurt. I cannot imagine what you must feel...wanna talk?


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 9:25 PM, August 21st (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We're going IF the place is still available. I told him that the beach was my ideal, and Wildwood would be it if that's where he wanted to stay... compromise. I get sand and sea and he decides where that sand and sea is.

He said we can always drive down to Wildwood for a day.

I used to stay at the Golden Inn during my late teens and early 20's...loved the clubs in Avalon.

And when we were redoing our kitchen... granted he was in the midst of ending his affairs and either feeling guilty or distracted....I got exactly what I wanted until we got to the floor. He just went and got what HE wanted. I've hated it ever since. It will be the first thing to go when he does.

Unfortunately, the end of the affairs also affected his control issues. SO they came back with a vengenance when the A's were over and we still have not finished it...8 years later.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 9:26 PM, August 21st (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Its 3:30 am here. I should go to sleep.Thanks for the offer though, Shirley. Had to get this out while I could.

Good night (rather good morning)all.


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 9:32 PM, August 21st (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am starting to honestly believe that I may have one of the only truly remorseful spouses in LTA and I am stilled anger and hurt

BTW - did I just jinx the shit outta myself or what!!!


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
Feeling so alone
♀ Member
Member # 14492
Default  Posted: 9:39 PM, August 21st (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hate to admit that I got a little grin amongst all the pain on here tonight. But I've always considered laughter some of the best medicine when it comes to LTA.
you says yes
HS are we a wee bit tipsy???

((((LH)))) You remind me so much of my own emotions. But I am staying, at least for now. I'm not about to leave when H is making way more money than he ever has in our 22 years. That might be selfish but... oh well. Hope you manage to get some good rest.

As for what I've got on my plate right now. I didn't even realise that it was a heavy load until someone said it a few posts back. I've carried so much for so many years, it just felt like another day in my life. People always use that damn word....strong.... I hate that word, about me. I hold up under whatever. At least I did get my parents 50th anniv. out of the way last Fri. That came off as planned. Turned out real nice. Had about 55 people to show up. And I had prepared enough food with enough left over in case we had more. Food was good, DIL helped with the decorations and they were lovely. We all enjoyed ourselves. Now my parents are off on a vacation, but are refusing to get too far away from home b/c of DIL's condition.

Kids are calling. Later

FSA



Together we're working through an LTA

If a man says something in the woods and there's not a woman there to hear it, is he still wrong?


Posts: 1357 | Registered: May 2007
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 9:49 PM, August 21st (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HS are we a wee bit tipsy???

FSA - you must have missed this line...


Alright...going down to the cellar to get bottle two

Me in the morning


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
BorrowTrouble
♀ Member
Member # 2435
Default  Posted: 9:49 PM, August 21st (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Shirley, I'd like a glass of that.


D-day 7/29/04.

Posts: 5711 | Registered: Oct 2003
BorrowTrouble
♀ Member
Member # 2435
Default  Posted: 9:52 PM, August 21st (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LH,

They say we know when we've had enough and are ready for a change.

Truthfully, I don't think that was the case for me. If I'd been a healthier or less frightened person I think I would have called it quits a long time ago or maybe never even gotten married in the first place.

So, I can't give you advice on this. All I can say is that I completely trust you and your knowledge of yourself and what is best for you and I will support you always.

BT


D-day 7/29/04.

Posts: 5711 | Registered: Oct 2003
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 9:56 PM, August 21st (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BTW - did I just jinx the shit outta myself or what!!!

HS - you are really quite funny when you have a buzz on.
LH - There are so many things for you to consider. It must be overwhelming. You need to take this slowly and get as much sound advice as you can from the elder at your church, from an attorney to examine your rights and to make sure you'll be able to stay in London if you decide to D, and from your family to make sure they are going to be there to support you when you will need them most. Have your sisters and parents moved permanently from South Africa to London? What is there residence status? Perhaps that will help you with your application. And now that you have been there for several years, I wonder if it would be easier than you think to obtain your own Visa. My son has an attorney who handles his work Visa issues. I think he/she is very expensive but any time he is concerned, he contacts them. I'm not sure if their office is in London or the states but I can check for you if you'd like.
LH, I am so worried when you talk about S. Please keep reaching out to all of us. We love you and want to help you. You are not alone. We are all in this together. You know that. You are a wonderful support to all of us and you must reach out to us when you are feeling low.
((((((((((((LH)))))))))))


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
BorrowTrouble
♀ Member
Member # 2435
Default  Posted: 9:56 PM, August 21st (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's my anniversary today. 26 years. I hate the fact that it is tainted by a LTA. I hate that it will be with me forever, no matter how good it gets.

Usually, I can look past that at what we have now. I hate the days that are about celebrating your past.


D-day 7/29/04.

Posts: 5711 | Registered: Oct 2003
BorrowTrouble
♀ Member
Member # 2435
Default  Posted: 10:00 PM, August 21st (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FSA,

Good to see you and I hope and pray all goes well for DIL and baby. I agree that your DD should be able to help out a little with the two younger kids. Even my son helps out with his brother, albeit grudgingly.

BT


D-day 7/29/04.

Posts: 5711 | Registered: Oct 2003
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 10:01 PM, August 21st (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Usually, I can look past that at what we have now. I hate the days that are about celebrating your past

Hey, BT. Are you ok? It's not often we hear you sounding down. I'm sending along some hugs to help you and hopefully HS will pour you a good full glass of a nice dry red.
(((BT)))


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 10:01 PM, August 21st (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know if any of you have ventured into this thread but, again, very thought provoking (if you knew how may times it took me to type that you would laugh your ass off ).

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=250796&AP=21

To BTs point, I should have called it off during the engagement. Why I didn't I am exploring. Telling him how I felt all these years, how I was afraid to end it, was priceless. He FUCKING KNEW. HE FUKCING KNEW and took advantage of it. He was devastated last night admitting that HE KNEW and SAW that weakness and did what he did. Weirdly, I feel better.


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 10:04 PM, August 21st (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's my anniversary today. 26 years.

BT- that is the first time I have "heard" sadness in your voice. I am so sorry for you, for us...

(((((BT)))))

ETA: pouring you a nice glass of Jordan 1985 Cab in honor of you being you!

[This message edited by hurtshirley at 10:08 PM, August 21st (Thursday)]


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
BorrowTrouble
♀ Member
Member # 2435
Default  Posted: 10:15 PM, August 21st (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oooh. Nice. I can almost taste it.

We should really revive the idea of getting together in person.


D-day 7/29/04.

Posts: 5711 | Registered: Oct 2003
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 10:15 PM, August 21st (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Night all...need to be up earlier than normal to take DD1 to soccer.

Thank you all for being here.


(((((Tribe)))))


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 10:17 PM, August 21st (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BT Congratulations to YOU for maintaining a loyal loving relationship for 26 years.

I hate the days that are about celebrating your past.

I tried something differently recently that helped ALOT. H was giving me the "don't dwell in the past" speech right before our DD's birthday. So on her birthday I relived every moment. Texted her and H just to prove to myself I guess that it's ok to look back at some of the past.

You know I grieve for my mother on her birthday, the anniversary of her death, Mother's day. But the next day I take up the cause of moving on again. You'll feel better tomorrow when this day is behind you. No reason to celebrate the 22nd of the month right?


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
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