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User Topic: Long Term Affairs XI I
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 10:45 AM, August 24th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((((ukg)))))))

You can say at many times as you want to, Sweetie. Just let it out here.

Unfortunately, it seems she is b/c she always has been. I just didnít know it.

I know she has always been there (like the OW#1 in our sitch), but IMHO, she has been put outside now. And it is driving her nuts, and she is trying to use you to get back in, KWIM?

I am still in a shitty mood so if I were to send her a text, I would prob say,

"You pathetic woman. You have provided us for some chuckles, but it is getting boring now. H is actually embarassed for you. Shoo now."

I know I keep saying this, but I dont know what else to say:

I am so so sorry, UKg.

The hurt and pain when you realise something special was stenched on, is so deep and cutting.
Hang in there, my friend.

They are both POSs.

***
Whatnow

I don't know if any of this is making sense or not....

It does unfortunately. I am sure mnay of us with more than 1 LTA, in an effort to make some sense of it, try to put them in a pecking order that makes sense of us. However, I have found that as time went, and depending on how I was feeling, the pecking order changes.

I remember a few months ago, when IC was introducing me to EMDR, she asked which LTA was more traumatic to me, the EA only (which started before our M and lasted throughout), or the 2.5 year EA/PA...and I couldnt answer.


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
So Lost
♀ Member
Member # 16801
Default  Posted: 2:08 PM, August 24th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I really thought those first few weeks would be the worst of my life. These pockets of pain are just so hard to take.

You are all right on so many counts, but trying to make my H understand is another story. To be honest, helping with kid care is not a problem. I told him a week or so ago that him not helping with bedtime was a problem and he has helped ever since. When he slept on the couch until 11 am he had also been up very late and would have done whatever I asked for the kids (they are petty self sufficient). I just got up and couldn't go back to sleep just yet. So that is one area he does ok in, has for most of the time before and after dday.

getting defensive is another story. I am having a hard time with that and will bring it up at MC. Last night I had a glass of wine and was tearful and he came up and hugged me and asked if he had done something new or if it was just everything and I told him everything. But he gets frustrated with me upset (this is new). I think he just wants to be able to fix it and gets frustrated when he can't. Daughter got up and I ended up going upstairs and he followed me up b/c I started crying harder for a second. Almost like So what's wrong now??? That pissed me off.

So I talked some about why I was upset and how just b/c we had a good talk yesterday morning does not mean I am fixed or that his hurtful words have left my memory. He came home from work 4 hours early and still no sex...you would think after all that talk about it he would have attempted. No way.

Anyway, he left a bit frustrated and after a minute I went back and said listen, it would really help if you lay with me. He said that was what I wanted to do but you didn't seem receptive. He came right up and lay there for a long time, just holding me. He said you have to tell me what you need b/c I truly don't know.

I had printed out that letter someone posted the link to (the one describing the bs in an affair and what that might feel like). I told him to read it and then throw it away (didn't want it lying around-no one knows). I told him I didn't write it but I think it describes how I feel very well.

This morning, first thing, he said he read the letter (I normally would have to prompt this conversation). He said it was very powerful and really hit home. That it was hard to read and that he will try to keep that in mind from now on when he wonders why I am feeling the way I am.

Did it help? I don't know. It's a process I suppose. I still feel bitterly sad and overwhelmed. I told him I don't know if staying is the right thing and I am so tired and just overwhelmed with it all.

Oh, and he looked at porn last night. 2 minutes of it, but there you go. Normally it has been a couple times a week for 10 minutes. If we had a good sexual relationship, I honestly would be fine with that. but we don't. He doesn't seem to want to. He would rather look at the stupid computer. I am going to have to bring it up in MC and talk about it, as much as I dread that.

LTA suck. They just suck.


Me: BS
Wh: WS
Dday 10/28/07
LTA with coworker
Attempting Reconciliation
he is remorseful, I am willing, we'll see what happens

Posts: 671 | Registered: Oct 2007
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 2:56 PM, August 24th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((SoLost)))

It looks like your H is beginning to look outside himself, and to your needs, which is quite positive. My H also told me at the beginning, that he didnt know what to do, and would get very frustrated and this would come out in anger or sarcasm or just shutting down. I had to teach him how to respond to me when I was in a funk(frankly this was also a learning experience for me as I had never been in this position before ie.asking someone for something for me).You are right, it is a process, and a learning experience for both of you.And he will learn too, that what will work this time, might now work the next, and that he must be willing to scope out a few options, and if he really at a loss, it is ok to just ask.

Re the porn..I take it he doesnt know that you know. HAve you confronted him on this, and what has he said? Why does he do it? What does he get from that?
Another positive turn though, is that his time there is lessening.

HAng in there,Solost. It does seem like these are the darkest days, but there are some small yet significant turns.

Last thing, do you think that he is feeling pressured/anxious re the sex, and just cant perform? When you lie down holding each other next time, try doing this naked. If he cant perform, get him to give you a sensual massage instead. Then do one on him if he wants.( Apparently tantric sex is supposed to help us reach nirvana. ).

One last suggestion :
before H and I had different bed times. HE would stay up on the PC and roll into bed when he was half asleep or fall asleep on the couch. I would got to bed with a book.
Some time after he started staying at home full time, he began to come bed with me. In fact, we developed a routine, where after the kids were put to sleep, we would stay up for an hour watching TV (his way of winding down after work). Then we would go to bed together; sometimes to read for abit or surf the net or soemtimes just to cuddle and chat about the day, and sometimes to errr..bond.
We still do that...except when we are at war.
So maybe this could be another starting point for you guys. I am so anti pc games, having been a games widow from day1. It was an addiction (with downloading)that he had to break. And it was one of my conditions of R. He does go on now and then, but only when he is extremely stressed and not for all nighters.

Hope this helps, SoL.

***
Fnf, you are right about H coming down from his "high".
Dont know whether it was reading DD's mail the other day, or me telling him that I had spoken to our elder re D, or whether he is coming out of his own funk...but last night he hugged me and told me that he doesnt want to lose me. I told him that I dont know what to do as I feel I have exhausted all options and the price now is too high. HE says he also doesnt know what to do, but just knows that we still have tried everything yet, and for me to hang on.

I aim to keep my walls up high and strong this time. Hopefully, I have learned my lesson well.


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 3:23 PM, August 24th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Fnf
I love Country French

Ooh la la!
Good choice! I love the colours of the French kitchen (sunset yellows and rusts, lavender blues, field grass greens)..so warm and elegant. You make sure you get the floor you want! You waited this long...might as well get the whole shebang.


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
So Lost
♀ Member
Member # 16801
Default  Posted: 6:22 PM, August 24th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LH, thank you for all your insight and taking the time to think about all that. I feel so overwhelmed and to have someone break things down a bit has helped immensely.

As far as bedtimes, I cannot see it happening. I am okay with that for the most part. It would be nice to go to ed together, but I need to go to bed somewhat early to get kids up and ready and he is a night owl by nature. And the fact that he is home 4 days a week makes it very nice that he sleeps in and I get some time alone before he is up and about. It really just works for our schedule right now I guess. And I would never convince him to go to bed at 11 pm.

As far as sex. It's tricky. Performance is definitely an issue. Has been since he was a late teenager b/c of the diabetes. Was a problem with her. In fact, she was the one who suggest he try pills for it and he did. So for anything to really work, pills have to be involved an hour before. So that takes planning and he doesn't do that. I think he doesn't like having to take them. But he does like when he does take them and all works well. Doe that make sense?

I am just so humiliated at this point that my H does not want to have sex with me that I can't even talk about it to him anymore. I think I can in MC but not to him. I feel like this whiny baby "Whyyyyyy won't you have seeeex with meeeee???", even though that is not how or what I say. lol

H plays Everquest although increasingly less and less. The weekend the kids were away he didn't play at all. See, if we had an active sex life that i felt comfortable with, I could have enjoyed that weekend and not worried about us not having sex. But we don't. Anyway, I have not seen anything inappropriate with EQ currently so I am leaving that battle be for now. I have said my share about how I don't like it. And when he has special stuff going on he spends way too much time on there. I am picking one battle at a time though. I think if our relationship were better, things would fall in place with that.

I did mention the porn to him. I told him it sucked that my H would ratehr go and look at porn than be upstairs and actually be with his wife. He got defensive and said "Yeah, I have looked at porn sometimes but I'm not fixated on it". Not sure what that means. He looks about 3 times a week for ten minutes . Sometimes not at all. I will bring that up at MC as well.

He doesn't ask how I know stuff though, he just is not into details. I really could have found out about the A so much earlier with just a small amount of looking. Even a few days before I found out I realized how high the cell phone bill was and how our minutes were all used up and how many he had used. Got him to get on the line and make me the main user so I could open an account and check things out. He never said a word. I asked if that made him nervous and he said it did but he just didn't let himself think about it. Stupid.

I do think he is trying. i think he gets in his own way sometimes. That letter I made him read may have helped, but how permanent is that?

You know, sitting here. I just realized something. Or got clarity on it at least. He risked it all. His marriage, his family, his house, his job, his reputation, his dog for pete's sake to have sex with this woman.Over and over and over again. And yet he doesn't want to have sex with his wife. That is going to be the deal breaker. That is what is going to end up causing the divorce. It's sick.


Me: BS
Wh: WS
Dday 10/28/07
LTA with coworker
Attempting Reconciliation
he is remorseful, I am willing, we'll see what happens

Posts: 671 | Registered: Oct 2007
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 1:43 AM, August 25th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((SoLost)))))

I know very little about sex issues (re the diabetes etc), so my advice is very layman. I hope your MC can suggest something useful.

When is your next session?


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 4:37 AM, August 25th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SoL. There is nothing wrong with just holding. FWH and I do it a lot. Sometimes, just stroking and enjoying each other is more bonding than full sex. Maybe your H doesnít like taking the pills b/c he feels he should be able to perform through desire alone, but his medical condition isnít going to allow that. With OW, sex was not a time of bonding. Remember that he didnít consider her as an option, so his ďrelationshipĒ with her was unconnected with the rest of his life. She was in the box. Sex with her was in the box. The pills were in the box. None of it mattered that he would take a tablet with her Ė he didnít desire her in the same way as he wants to desire you. Now that is a problem for you b/c you want the sex. So, have the physical closeness and enjoy each other while you wait for the pill to take effect. So you wait for an hour or so. Heck, we can spend all morning in bed, or go to bed at 11pm and finally put the light out at 2am!!!! Take your time.

Could the looking at porn simply be about observing others who ARE able to have sex at will rather than serving him with titillation?

If heís read the post, what about After The Affair ebook? Itís NOT heavy reading. In fact my H read the whole thing in a few hours and he dips into it every now and then to remind himself of what he wants and where he is going. It seems to have been written as an easy read, the writer being very aware of a WSís reluctance to be proactive in the R process.

(((((SoLost))))) He'll get it. He's trying. Just being a bit thick!

Off down the gym. Catch up later.

[This message edited by UKgirl at 4:37 AM, August 25th (Monday)]


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 9:32 AM, August 25th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Anyone heard from Brooke?

Itís quiet in here today. Guess everyone is out mingling IRL.

LostH, Iím glad you told H about seeing the elder and looking at all your options. Donít forget that there is always the Citizens Advice Bureau and your local MP for clarification on grey or donít know areas. Just a thought in case you find yourself thinking that way again. I know that going to see a solicitor with regard to where I stood should we D gave me one less thing to worry about. Like you, I have to walk all around a situation and have plans and back up plans in place. I even had an idea as to what I could afford to buy and where, so DS4 could continue at his school. Oh yes, I had examined from every angle! But it also served to give me a certain confidence to continue in the M, knowing that I would be far from destitute if it failed. Does that make sense?

As to high walls, Iíve embedded glass in the top of mine, and added a topping of barbed wire. FWH is never going to get so close to me ever again! Which is kind of sad really. I liked that sense of closeness and attachment, even if it was an illusion.

Am still thinking of winging that text to OW. Might leave it until tomorrow when everyoneís back at work.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 10:08 AM, August 25th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

last night he hugged me and told me that he doesnt want to lose me. I told him that I dont know what to do as I feel I have exhausted all options and the price now is too high. HE says he also doesnt know what to do, but just knows that we still have tried everything yet, and for me to hang on.

LH - I am so happy that he was able to say these things to you. I know it's important right now for you to keep your walls up but I do hope his words have given you some comfort. You have surely been on a roller coaster ride lately and I hope he can keep his fears and emotions in check long enough for you to recover this latest setback. (((LH)))
SL - My H has to take ED medication too. I remember when I discovered that he had to take them with the OW. I didn't know whether to laugh or get angrier than I already was. Maybe because my H is older and accepts that this is part of nature, he doesn't feel badly about having to take them. In fact, just the opposite. He's very happy they give him the effects he needs.
I would hope that your H's IC could help him to see and accept that it is his diabetes, not his manhood, that affects his performance.
I know I suggested this before but I'd like to offer it up again. As I mentioned, my H also said he liked it that the OW was the aggressor. As BS's, we look to be desired. It is critical to feel wanted and desired BUT we are dealing with men whose "manhood" isn't reliable and therefore they are insecure and need to be pursued. I don't always take on this role of the pursurer but I do think once in a while, it is good to do this. You have needs and you have a right to have them met. If it's not too personal, what is your major objection to being the aggressor until your H gets his confidence back? Again, believe me, I completely understand the need to be desired but our other needs of physical closeness and just plain sexual needs need to be met too. If you do become the one to pursue and he doesn't respond, then I would definitely want to investigate this. I hope I haven't said too much. I am just trying to let you know what has worked for me and was hoping it might help you too. (((SL)))
Am still thinking of winging that text to OW. Might leave it until tomorrow when everyoneís back at work

UKG - Can I be honest here? You have me very nervous over this one. I think the OW is a psycho and I just hope you are not playing into her hand if you decide to go through with this. Please take time to think this through and weigh the benefits against the possible negative outcome.
Either way, we'll be here for you. (((UKG)))


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 10:37 AM, August 25th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would like to "talk" to you more about your post on why you might be feeling like you are settling.

HS - I think what I'm feeling is probably very common among some of us here in this LTA hell. Maybe others will agree, I'd be curious to hear other opinions or experiences. What I find most difficult with my decision to stay is that I now have zero trust in the man I am married to and this is an awful way to live. So far, he has not given me any reason to doubt that he is where he says he is and, for the most part, every free minute he is with me. : He leaves his cell phone out in the open, I have full access to PW's, cell phone history, etc. but his years of lying and behaving in a way that rarely indicated that there was a problem between us, have left me very cautious and I hate living with this doubt. So, because of never feeling I can trust him, I make decisions to go places and do things based on how much free time that will leave him to "get into trouble." That certainly has put a crimp in my style.
To go from absolute freedom to feeling like I need to watch him all the time totally sucks. No matter how many times I try to reason with myself that this is obsessive and unnecessary, I can't seem to let go of my need to spy on him. I fucking hate this. Every time his phone rings, I wait till he leaves the room and check the number. If I call home when I'm out and he doesn't answer right away, I'm wondering what he's up to. If I have to go somewhere that will require me being gone for a long period of time, I call my DD and ask her to make plans with him. God, this all sounds so awful. I am completely obsessed with spying on him. If he goes out to the garage where his workbench is, I check to make sure his phone is inside because I still worry that he might try to sneak out to make a call. There are times when I can honestly say that I feel it might be in my best interest to walk away, even if that means that I'll choose to be alone, just so I can have my piece of mind back.
So to answer your question, it's not that I feel so much that I'm settling, I just feel that living without trust in my H is taking its toll on me and, if I'm honest, on him as well.
Anyone else feeling this way???

[This message edited by forgivenotforget at 10:40 AM, August 25th (Monday)]


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 11:47 AM, August 25th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There are times when I can honestly say that I feel it might be in my best interest to walk away, even if that means that I'll choose to be alone, just so I can have my piece of mind back.

Hands up here, too Fnf.

I do miss my peace of mind, of just living and not being aware of every f-king thing he could or couldnt be doing.

Do you think the obsession with checking is to reassure yourself that you will never, ever be snookered again? Cos that makes total sense to me.

I know at some point we have to let go, and free ourselves. And I truly was on my way there. Days/weeks would go by and I wouldnt check his emails/phones. Now it seems like I am going back there again...and it sucks.

We put in all our safeguards but they will never cover every loophole. There are potential OW lurking everywhere (like cockroaches). Its about gaining that trust in our H's that they wont go down there again. Even more so, (like in my sitch), to know that he is able to put me and the kids first and that they, the WS, has become more selfless in ALL areas of our life. Unfort, my H has proven otherwise lately (not for the first time either).


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 11:50 AM, August 25th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey all...I have been tied up with a sick one (my youngest) but I think she is on the mend. I feel so bad for any of my kids when they are sick. I just want to take their illness and pain and let them be better. Interestingly, I used to feel that way about H but no more. I would do it for the kids, if I could, because I love them. H - he gets to hold his own pain plus mine now.

it's not that I feel so much that I'm settling, I just feel that living without trust in my H is taking its toll on me and, if I'm honest, on him as well.

Oh, FNF, that is just awful. You can't live that way you will drive yourself insane. And, I hate to say it but I honestly believe that if any of these men wanted to "get away with" an affair, they could probably pull it off. I can't even be bothered trying to spy on my H because I never knew about him as it was ALL at work. He didn't call them or text them or email them so I wouldn't have known that way. They just hooked up at lunch and when he was out of town on business. So what am I supposed to do now? Sit outside his office and wait to see if he leaves for lunch? Hide under his desk? I guess this is a very long-winded way of saying that we can't control them. We can't control them through our anger, our fear, our begging, our spying, whatever. They will do what they will do and we have to know IN OUR HEARTS what we will do if they violate us again.

I hope this does not sound 2x4ish. I am trying to invoke the spirit of DesertLotus and the serenity prayer here. I wish I could sit with you and say "just stop looking" "let it go". If he takes advantage of that freedom (not trust) then he has shown you who he is and it is over. But, if he has truly changed, he will be grateful for his freedom and he will teach you to trust him through his actions. KWIM?

(((((FNF)))))

(but I might check his call log every once in a while just to see...
)

[This message edited by hurtshirley at 11:51 AM, August 25th (Monday)]


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 12:33 PM, August 25th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You can't live that way you will drive yourself insane.

HS - I feel like I'm halfway there. I know you're right and I have these conversations with myself
all the time. I just can't seem to let go. I have stopped IC'ing and MC'ing and sometimes I think, if only to resolve this, it might be necessary to go back.
I'm glad to hear your DD is getting better both for her sake and for yours. Also, on the selfish side, I miss hearing from you. You are such a hoot, and I always get a laugh out of your posts because you never seem to fail to put in a little something amusing."but I might check his call log every once in a while just to see..."
Do you think the obsession with checking is to reassure yourself that you will never, ever be snookered again?

LH - Absolutely. I think I would be out of my mind and out of control if I ever caught him again. I tell him a little too frequently, if that's what you want, go for it, because I never want to be in this position again and for such a pig. It makes me into a raving lunatic - just the thoughts of him ever being with her. You have no idea how insulting it is to me. She is such a dog but like every good dog, she was always eager to lick his heels and settle for whatever little scraps he tossed her way. Idiot!

[This message edited by forgivenotforget at 12:39 PM, August 25th (Monday)]


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 12:59 PM, August 25th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have stopped IC'ing and MC'ing and sometimes I think, if only to resolve this, it might be necessary to go back.

Interesting that you bring this up. I stopped IC in May with the kids home from school, the long drive to IC, etc, I just thought I would take a break no problemo. Well, suffice it to say, big problemo. I got to a very bad place and couldn't get out. My MC, my H and my Hs therapist got so worried that they made me appointment last week with a new therapist.

I went and was there for almost 2 hours spilling my guts!!! I am leaving in about 30 min to go see her again. I thought I could do this on my own but I can't. I need you guys and I need someone who can guide me through the process of healing myself. I like this new IC as one of her suggestions last week was yoga. Maybe this week she will recommend pedicures and I will just love her to death!

I think you should think about seeing someone for you. Someone who can just listen and guide you from time to time - and that someone isn't us!


BTW, did everyone see the thread in general about "toxic shame". I believe it is very pertinent to all of our WS. Lost Heart, I DEFINITELY think you and your H need to spend some time on this. Here is a link to a book that Desert Lotus recommended. I read the whole link and literally had chills running down my spine. This fits my H exactly.

http://books.google.com/books?hl=en&id=TcagkSY6w3MC&dq=toxic+shame&printsec=frontcover&source=web&ots=6QquHWWyZw&sig=afqovkZAbNF1wnfOmtrHICfS8os&sa=X&oi=book_result&resnum=5&ct=result


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
after34years
♀ Member
Member # 20520
Default  Posted: 2:21 PM, August 25th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello everyone. I've been lurking for awhile in LTA thread. I'm about 4 1/2 months from D-day dealing with my WH 11yr affair.

I make decisions to go places and do things based on how much free time that will leave him to "get into trouble

This is something I dealing with alot. Example this past weekend my girlfriends where all going to get a hotel room go shopping and visit a casino for awile something we do on occasion
(girls only weekend of bonding). I couldn't answer them as to whether I could go or not. I just get so affraid of the what if's, if
given the chance for him to see or talk to OW. Plus I was so affraid I wouldn't have any fun anyway and I didn't want to ruin the weekend for everyone else.
My WH was very aware of my fears and was trying to encourage me to go have fun.
So, he came up with a plan he thought would help me go, he called my best friends husband who does know whats going on with us and ask him to spend the day with him on the golf course and then proceed to ask him if he could spend the night at his house due to the fact he wanted me to go with a good feeling he wasn't up to no good.
I thought about his solution to my (our) problem and decided that maybe I could just go for awhile and then come home,(not spend the night) so that is what I did I drove My own car and left when I wanted to (only 1 hour away).
I know this is all part of the trust thing, but I get so mad at myself because I think yup, now I can't have any fun because I'm affaid he will start thinking about OW and what he use to do with his free time when I wasn't around, a trigger for WH I'm trying protect from him having.
Question:
Do you think I should have just gone without caring about this being a trigger for WH and trying to proctect and prevent something from happening?




Me 52 - WS-54 Married - 34 years 2 adult children, 3 grandchildren D-day - 04/14/08 LTA - 11 years.

Posts: 537 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Michigan
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 2:49 PM, August 25th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do you think I should have just gone without caring about this being a trigger for WH and trying to proctect and prevent something from happening?

After34years - Welcome to our little corner here at SI. I hope you will find the support you will need as you work through all that you have learned. As to your question, I don't think we can necessarily "not care" although we can choose to go anyway. Most times, I know that the triggers for me will not always be worth the choice to go, especially if it is an overnight trip. I choose to go for brief periods but not for hours at a time and that is after almost 2 1/2 years. Maybe others will offer better advice. I can only tell you what I am comfortable with and am willing to tolerate.


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 2:52 PM, August 25th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Here's a question re: this page. All other pages are sized correctly but this one is so large that I am constantly moving the arrows back and forth in order to read here. What's up with this? Is anyone else having this problem or is it my computer?
Any computer wizards out there able to help me?


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 3:57 PM, August 25th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Back from IC...no pedicures prescribed. may have to find a new IC

FNF - my screen started doing that right before I left....I think it is a SI issue not your pc.

After34 - Welcome to our sad little corner of the world. We welcome you understanding that none of us want to be here but find ourselves here nonetheless. Your dday was pretty recent so having fun with your friends might be fairly difficult at this point. I closed myself off from everyone for...hmmm... still am closed off for the most part and it has been over a year.

As far as what you should do with your H, was he in contact with the OW until dday? Was the affair still active?


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 5:45 PM, August 25th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Whoa, ok, that's one weird screen thing going on. I'm sure MH will have it solved. Usually it's because someone has posted a very large jpg file or something that screws with the margins. ARe all the forums like this?

Anyway,

I make decisions to go places and do things based on how much free time that will leave him to "get into trouble."

Don't we all get that? C'mon I had tape recorders set up for months upstairs and down. We don't have caller ID, so that's why. Besides, caller ID doesn't tell you what they talked about. I'll never forget the look on my H's face when I said "look I know you think you can't go anywhere, but don't tell your brother it's because I said so." I think he thought I'd asked his brother what he said, but he still stood there and denied saying it. That he was on a short leash. I still do it now and again. I know he's not using porn (and that's why I got them in the first place) but since there have been "wrong" numbers on his cell, I figure the next step is him calling from the house phone so I can't check up on him.

I talked to H's brother today about his teeth. Apparently H is having a lot of trouble. Blames it on quitting smoking, but his brother says he's going to lose 3 of his front teeth. And when his brother told H that, H was like "ok, whatever." His brother was concerned that he might be depressed. I said "welcome to the club, but he doesn't think so."

Now, H is in the funk again... not showering, not changing clothes, not caring about his hygiene. Either it's depression or he's trying to keep everyone away from him (my IC's theory). You know what? I dont' care. He loses those teeth, I may start looking for his replacement.

This weekend, for the first time, I left the house and didn't even think about what he was doing. No one was even home. I intentionally stayed out. I got home and he was watching a movie.. the sequel, said he'd already watched the first one.

I don't care. I wish he'd just do it and get it over with so I could go


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 6:04 PM, August 25th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Weepy - I am not mental health expert (wait, I might be in the process of becoming one given all the books, IC, MC, etc.) but this

Now, H is in the funk again... not showering, not changing clothes, not caring about his hygiene. Either it's depression or he's trying to keep everyone away from him (my IC's theory). You know what? I dont' care. He loses those teeth, I may start looking for his replacement.

This weekend, for the first time, I left the house and didn't even think about what he was doing. No one was even home. I intentionally stayed out. I got home and he was watching a movie.. the sequel, said he'd already watched the first one.

sounds like the classic signs of severe depression. Will he see anybody? A GP, IC anybody?


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
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