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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: BS Questions for WS's
Listeningclosely
♂ Member
Member # 16472
Default  Posted: 7:36 AM, July 18th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Razor -

Question is HOW LONG SHOULD A WS REMAIN TRANSPARENT? HOW LONG AFTER DDAY CAN A WS HAVE PRIVACY IN EMAIL, TEXTING, AND CELL PHONE CALLS?

Does a A make for a life long sentence of no privacy?

I think for a truly remorseful FWS, it's not seen as a sentence. It's seen as the openness of communication that should have been in place all along during the M.

We are about 13 months past D-Day. Wells has access to my email, cell, IM, and any other communication accounts. She sees the cell bill every month, and I will gladly answer questions for her about any number on there she is concerned about. With time, and proper answers for numbers she has questioned, I think it has gotten easier for her to trust again. But the transparency is there forever. I have no desire to have anything private from Wells. She hates surprise parties so even that is not an issue for me!


BW(her)- 45, FWH (me) 48
4 month Online EA
M 23 years, together for 28
4 Daughters - 21, 18, 14 and 12
d-day 6/2/07, in R
FORGIVENESS 1/1/2008!!!
"Action expresses priorities." -
Mohandas Gandhi

Posts: 4454 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: One Particular Harbour
Listeningclosely
♂ Member
Member # 16472
Default  Posted: 7:40 AM, July 18th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ron -


I wonder if any WS's disclose the difficulty, the mourning, etc re seperating from the OP, to their BS. If so, why? If so,how did the BS react?

While I know Wells saw the challenges and pain I went through in clearing my fog, I never proactively brought up the struggle with her. In my mind, it was my personal battle to fight. I have known all along that I have Wells love and support in healing, but I would never put the withdrawal challenges on her. I created this mess, and I need to own the process of focusing on the right people in my life.


BW(her)- 45, FWH (me) 48
4 month Online EA
M 23 years, together for 28
4 Daughters - 21, 18, 14 and 12
d-day 6/2/07, in R
FORGIVENESS 1/1/2008!!!
"Action expresses priorities." -
Mohandas Gandhi

Posts: 4454 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: One Particular Harbour
Listeningclosely
♂ Member
Member # 16472
Default  Posted: 7:47 AM, July 18th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dead But Alive -

I guess just reading some of the heart-felt remorse, etc from some of the WSs here, I just wondered if it would do my WH any good to hear from other WHs that have turned around? Maybe I'm just day-dreaming or being too hopeful? I dunno.

What do you WSs think? Have any of you done this before?

SI has been a huge lifeline for me during my healing process. Getting feedback from other WS's here has helped me tons in focusing on the right path to healing.

In addition, as I grew stronger through IC and my own healing feedback from the BS community has become important to me as well. Just as you try to gain WS persectives by looking in Wayward, I read General and scan in JFO to keep in mind what my BW may have and be going through.


BW(her)- 45, FWH (me) 48
4 month Online EA
M 23 years, together for 28
4 Daughters - 21, 18, 14 and 12
d-day 6/2/07, in R
FORGIVENESS 1/1/2008!!!
"Action expresses priorities." -
Mohandas Gandhi

Posts: 4454 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: One Particular Harbour
bear
♂ Member
Member # 19859
Default  Posted: 9:06 AM, July 18th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dead But Alive, I'm a WS and the real value for me in coming to these forums is to help me focus on the 'moving forward' and dealing with the 'why is this so hard?'. The great, thoughtful responses give me food for thought, and keep me from drifting back into the FOG that is ever-present at this point. I would absolutely recommend your WS seek dialogue with other WSs who are beyond their FOG as well as those who are still struggling to get out. Sometimes it's like trying to run with a bungee cord tied to your back. It's healthy for everybody involved to know that support is available. There's not a single WS on any of these forums who is actively trying to justify staying in the FOG. Some may not make it out for various reasons, but it's not beacause this support network is facilitating unhealthy behavior. Whenever I feel myself slipping, or simply want to see how others are doing I log on and get a reality check, a well placed 2X4 post, or a thoughtful tidbit from members like LC who really can articulate the process of discovery and responsibility so well.


WH (me): 59
BW: 56
M: 34 years
Together: 38 years
2 DDs: 21 & 25
d'day: 2-11-2008
A: EA & PA 6 months


Posts: 102 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: South
dead_but_alive
♀ Member
Member # 20178
Default  Posted: 12:48 PM, July 18th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LC & bear - thanks for responding.

Right now, WS is not even in contact with me or our kids. He is still with OW as far as I know. I am sure that he would not take my advice and come to SI. He'd just ignore it.

I guess what I was asking is - has any WSs ever contacted another non-SI WS via email or phone to offer advice about getting out of the fog or pointing them toward SI based on reading a BS's posts here?

Also, I would not want to him to NOT come to SI because I honestly believe he would benefit. But I also am afraid of him realizing who I am on here. I'd rather him not know I am here unless we ever get to the point of R. YKWIM??

I dunno. I'm just confused, scared, hurt and wishing he had some help coming to his senses because I honestly think he does not want a life with OW or he would have asked for D already. I mean it's been 8 months of separation and no mention of D.

I dunno....maybe I'm just wishful thinking.

[This message edited by dead_but_alive at 12:50 PM, July 18th (Friday)]


Me - BW

Separated - 11.19.2007 / DIVORCED - 1.13.2010
-- 19 years, 8 months, 24 days of marriage (including 2 years, 1 month, 26 days of separation) legally ended 1.13.2010. I now officially start my new life.


Posts: 2365 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Mississippi
bear
♂ Member
Member # 19859
Default  Posted: 1:11 PM, July 18th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

dba, I'm betting your best option is to go 180, and start the D process if you want get his attention. Right now he has it his way, and you're left out of his thinking.

Sorry, but you need to take control of this situation as quickly as you can. 8 months is long time to be 'unsure'. Get yourself healthy.


WH (me): 59
BW: 56
M: 34 years
Together: 38 years
2 DDs: 21 & 25
d'day: 2-11-2008
A: EA & PA 6 months


Posts: 102 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: South
dead_but_alive
♀ Member
Member # 20178
Default  Posted: 1:18 PM, July 18th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, bear.


Me - BW

Separated - 11.19.2007 / DIVORCED - 1.13.2010
-- 19 years, 8 months, 24 days of marriage (including 2 years, 1 month, 26 days of separation) legally ended 1.13.2010. I now officially start my new life.


Posts: 2365 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Mississippi
beach
♀ Member
Member # 7533
Default  Posted: 1:27 PM, July 18th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((dead_but_alive))

bear is right.

If he is still seeing OW, he is foggy and in the confused stage. He doesn't even know what he wants. He will continue as long as he is in this situation.


Foggy WS is like addicts, who has unhealthy mindset and cannot think healthy way. So don't let him define your marriage. The ball is in your court.

Hugs!!

Another reminder for you!!

Healthy love doesn't deceive anyone

Healthy love doesn't leave you in a state of confusion

Healthy love doesn't cause resentment

Healthy love doesn't have you 'waiting, just in case'

Healthy love isn't bits and pieces of your partners time

Healthy love doesn't have you lower your expectations


[This message edited by beach at 1:28 PM, July 18th (Friday)]


If you don't find peace with yourself, you cannot find anywhere else.
Appreciate and cherish what I have.

Posts: 8680 | Registered: Jul 2005 | From: midwest
dead_but_alive
♀ Member
Member # 20178
Default  Posted: 1:34 PM, July 18th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, Beach!

Healthy love doesn't have you 'waiting, just in case'

OMGosh! That quote hit home. That's exactly what I guess I am doing...."waiting, just in case".


Me - BW

Separated - 11.19.2007 / DIVORCED - 1.13.2010
-- 19 years, 8 months, 24 days of marriage (including 2 years, 1 month, 26 days of separation) legally ended 1.13.2010. I now officially start my new life.


Posts: 2365 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Mississippi
Giselle2008
Member
Member # 18389
Default  Posted: 2:27 PM, July 18th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My husband and I are shortly out of haveing NC with other women.

WH states he loves me daily and wants his marfriage back but states he is still trying to feel everything again. Could this be withdrawal or are we heading for a D??


Posts: 57 | Registered: Feb 2008
Listeningclosely
♂ Member
Member # 16472
Default  Posted: 3:41 PM, July 18th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

dead_but_alive -

has any WSs ever contacted another non-SI WS via email or phone to offer advice about getting out of the fog or pointing them toward SI based on reading a BS's posts here?

I have offered, but it has yet to be accepted. I don't know if that means anything other than if the WS were truly ready to heal themselves and their BS, they would be looking for the type of support SI provides and not being cajoled into contacting someone.

I agree with bear and Beach. It definitely sounds like time for you to at least 180 if not file. you need to find a path toward your own happiness, and it cannot be contingent upon "if" your WS decides to act or not.


BW(her)- 45, FWH (me) 48
4 month Online EA
M 23 years, together for 28
4 Daughters - 21, 18, 14 and 12
d-day 6/2/07, in R
FORGIVENESS 1/1/2008!!!
"Action expresses priorities." -
Mohandas Gandhi

Posts: 4454 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: One Particular Harbour
Listeningclosely
♂ Member
Member # 16472
Default  Posted: 3:47 PM, July 18th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

giselle -

WH states he loves me daily and wants his marriage back but states he is still trying to feel everything again. Could this be withdrawal or are we heading for a D??

The process of clearing a fog for me was not an overnight one. It took a while for me to detach myself enough to discern what I thought were feelings of love from what were really addictions to positive attention. My guess is it's probably too early to know if you are headed for D.

I definitely went through a withdrawal stage, and it was about the darkest time of my life. I was able to emerge from it though, and I am about as happy as I could possibly be.


BW(her)- 45, FWH (me) 48
4 month Online EA
M 23 years, together for 28
4 Daughters - 21, 18, 14 and 12
d-day 6/2/07, in R
FORGIVENESS 1/1/2008!!!
"Action expresses priorities." -
Mohandas Gandhi

Posts: 4454 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: One Particular Harbour
hopefulnz
♀ Member
Member # 16942
Default  Posted: 3:59 PM, July 18th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Our R has been going well since FWH has come out of the fog. It's taken a while.

Now FWH seems to be at the point of "OMG what the F did I do it for?". He told me last night that he he knows he has let everyone down. Me & our children especially.
It was then that I realised that at the moment he is unable to forgive himself & I can see it standing in the way of our progress.
I asked if he wanted to talk to someone about it but he said no. (He has had unfortunate experiences with counselling prior to our marriage)

So my question is - "how were you able to forgive yourself & how long into the R process was it?"


Me - BS (43)
Him - FWH (52)
Married 17 years - together 20 years
D Day #1 - March 07
D Day #2 - April 07
A year of false R
Final D Day - March 08
2 Children 15,13
Reconciling

Posts: 428 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: New Zealand
Listeningclosely
♂ Member
Member # 16472
Default  Posted: 4:17 PM, July 18th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hopefulnz -

It probably took me about two to three months after coming out of my fog, and a lot of work with my IC. I needed to discover that what I did defined a part of my life but it didn't define me.

After reaching that point, I developed this Mantra to get me through days when I questioned myself:

****************
I made a terrible decision which caused more pain than I can possibly imagine and has no possible justification.


Yet that decision and the moments associated with it are linked to a single season of my life. We go through dozens of seasons in a lifetime, each presenting the opportunity to choose right or wrong behavior.


My life is not defined solely by my A. While it will forever be a part of what I have done on this earth, I have been given an opportunity to enter the next season of my life and make the right choices.


I commit myself now and forever more to focusing on what it will take to make my BW and the girls my top priority and to make them happy. I know that the more I give them, the more I will be able to move away from my season of pain and toward a season of hope.


I am accepting responsibility for the A and everything it has done. But I am also forgiving myself, knowing each day I give pure and total love to my family will be my sign that I am defined as a man of integrity and honor.

************************

If it will help, your FWH is welcome to PM me at any time. I am happy to share my tale with him, including the path to self forgiveness.

[This message edited by Listeningclosely at 4:18 PM, July 18th (Friday)]


BW(her)- 45, FWH (me) 48
4 month Online EA
M 23 years, together for 28
4 Daughters - 21, 18, 14 and 12
d-day 6/2/07, in R
FORGIVENESS 1/1/2008!!!
"Action expresses priorities." -
Mohandas Gandhi

Posts: 4454 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: One Particular Harbour
hopefulnz
♀ Member
Member # 16942
Default  Posted: 4:30 PM, July 18th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you LC.

My H knows about SI & over the months I have given him a lot of articles from the healing library to read.

I am going to encourage him to join. I think he's now at a point in our R that he needs help & support from others who have been there as IC is not an option at the moment and he doesn't have a close friend that he can confide in that would understand.


Me - BS (43)
Him - FWH (52)
Married 17 years - together 20 years
D Day #1 - March 07
D Day #2 - April 07
A year of false R
Final D Day - March 08
2 Children 15,13
Reconciling

Posts: 428 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: New Zealand
Listeningclosely
♂ Member
Member # 16472
Default  Posted: 4:36 PM, July 18th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, consider this an open invitation for him to reach out. He can post in Wayward if he likes, or just PM me if he wants to confide in one person for a while.


BW(her)- 45, FWH (me) 48
4 month Online EA
M 23 years, together for 28
4 Daughters - 21, 18, 14 and 12
d-day 6/2/07, in R
FORGIVENESS 1/1/2008!!!
"Action expresses priorities." -
Mohandas Gandhi

Posts: 4454 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: One Particular Harbour
dead_but_alive
♀ Member
Member # 20178
Default  Posted: 5:26 PM, July 18th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, LC. I have pretty much been doing alot of the 180 except for a major thing....trying to move on with my life. I've been sitting at home crying for 8 months. but tonight, I am going out with some friends. I can't believe I finally gave in to go!


Me - BW

Separated - 11.19.2007 / DIVORCED - 1.13.2010
-- 19 years, 8 months, 24 days of marriage (including 2 years, 1 month, 26 days of separation) legally ended 1.13.2010. I now officially start my new life.


Posts: 2365 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Mississippi
NoLongerWantHim
♀ Member
Member # 19934
Default  Posted: 6:08 PM, July 18th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is a tough one.

We're in R, and he's NC as far as I can tell.

But his best buddy is telling me details and things that make me question FWH's sincerity.

I have no reason to believe his buddy would make up things. He apologized for even covering.

How do I deal with FWH's telling me one thing, and best buddy telling me another.

FWH says he's NC - he called her from payphones only during the A.

Best buddy says they're laying low till she moves.

I want to believe FWH

But why would his friend be telling me lies?

[This message edited by NoLongerWantHim at 7:51 PM, July 18th (Friday)]


Me & the kids are having the malignancy removed.

If I went to Hogwarts, my Patronus would be my Big Sister - GWADW


Posts: 4120 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Where I want to be, on the road to the future
beach
♀ Member
Member # 7533
Default  Posted: 7:47 PM, July 18th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

dead_but_alive, enjoy yourself!! You deserve it!!


NoLongerWantHim

But why would his friend be telling me lies?
Not sure, but that is possible that they stay lay low until things are settled down. Your H has been Transparent, right? Does OW works with him (or works in the same organization)? Keep watching his action.


If you don't find peace with yourself, you cannot find anywhere else.
Appreciate and cherish what I have.

Posts: 8680 | Registered: Jul 2005 | From: midwest
NoLongerWantHim
♀ Member
Member # 19934
Default  Posted: 8:34 PM, July 18th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Beach,

OW isn't a co worker.

Tonight I'm simply dealing with a temper tantrum.

FWH insists he's staying with me, just can't comprehend how I can question him.


Me & the kids are having the malignancy removed.

If I went to Hogwarts, my Patronus would be my Big Sister - GWADW


Posts: 4120 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Where I want to be, on the road to the future
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