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User Topic: BS Questions for WS's
prettyfuture
♀ Member
Member # 17293
Default  Posted: 2:02 PM, July 31st (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He did meet her for lunches, breakfasts, dinner--always in public places--according to him

Janis,
I'm sorry but I think it was a PA as well. Oftentimes WS will only admit to as little information that BS already knows, for as long as they can. Whether they are remorseful and trying to "protect" themselves or their BS, there are a lot of reasons, but it is hard, especially after so long, to just come out and admit what it really was.

Of course this is just my suspicion based on the facts and my own history and reading so much about affairs. I am happy that R is going well for you but it does sound like you still have a lot of questions and issues that getting the whole truth could help you deal with.

I know that right now he is acting remorseful and it does not seem like he's involved in an affair, and that is great. I am not saying he is NOW in a physical affair but it definitely sounds like he was and I am not sure what you think about whether he was or what that would mean, or what the fact that he would be hiding this from you means to you. If you are happy and comfortable with knowing whatever it was was over, or if you totally believe him that it was just an EA, then I wish you the best and I am not here to say, believe this stranger on the Internet over your own husband.

But if you still have prodding thoughts or issues that are important to you, I urge you to check into things. Of course he can SAY they only met in public places but that makes no sense to me when they were having phone sex for 7 years. It just does not add up, I'm sorry, and I think some of what you're feeling is because it doesn't add up to you, either. If these issues bother you it is best to get to the root of them so you two can proceed with the full truth/ knowledge of what happened. But if you think I am totally off base and you are sure you know what all happened, then I apologize and I will step out of the way. I guess I just wanted to say that I think you are having these issues nagging at you because maybe deep down something about his story doesn't add up to you and as much as you WANT to be able to move on and have things continue to be great, you really can't do that if you feel there are unanswered questions or deceit from him regarding the past. Never be afraid to ask questions or seek the truth, especially if it is what you need to heal. It doesn't mean your relationship is over and I hope that he is totally willing to honestly answer any question you have for him and to discuss it for as long as you need him to talk to you about it. Don't be afraid to push him away because if he is truly remorseful he will do whatever you need from him to heal. ((janis))


Me: FWF (fiance), 28
I broke off engagement: May '07, then he found out about EA
I confessed PA: Oct. '07 and we started R.
In true R since Feb. '08
RE-ENGAGED: 10/08/09
Getting married in Oct. 2010 :)

Posts: 1090 | Registered: Dec 2007
Janis
♀ Member
Member # 18656
Default  Posted: 5:19 PM, July 31st (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would like to believe he did not have sex with her (I did ask if they got physical and he denyed that too)--I just keep listening and watching his behavior to see if something slips---over time things usually do come out.
His story about being physical has not changed from day one---other statements have changed some but not that.
I enjoy each day with him but I will never trust 100% again...so part of me will always be on alert to anything said--little looks--etc.


me-52
ws-61
together 28 yrs (married 16 yrs)
2 boys--21yrs and 27 yrs
D-Day 12/4/2007
?EA for 10+ years (maybe always)
"just friends".....
R..One Day at a Time
Let the Facts be Your Guide...Not Your Emotions....


Posts: 167 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: California
thatgirl7
♀ New Member
Member # 20449
Default  Posted: 5:29 PM, July 31st (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

PRETTYFUTURE

Thank you for your reply, Im dont understand how his reason is trying to shift the blame to me because he said it was exciting to him and all that he doesn't understand why he does it. He has been saying its not my fault at all, anytime I try to say something like if I was was prettier/skinnier etc etc. He always says its not My fault its his, and he does want to do it anymore and needs to get help. He has never blamed me.

Thanks for taking the time out to read my story, sorry it was so long it felt better to write it out. He said he wants to get on here and read and ask questions that might help him. He does want to go to IC and MC, and his dad was the same way with his mom until she left him. So he grew up seeing that. I think his dad has changed but I dont know how or why he did and they aren't close so it wouldn't help to ask his dad what helped him change.


Posts: 10 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: KC
thatgirl7
♀ New Member
Member # 20449
Default  Posted: 5:38 PM, July 31st (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

and to LC

thank you, and yes he is doing all of those. He started the NC a month and a Half before I even found out about the affair. She broke the NC by texting him thats when he got caught(I checked phone records and there really was NC from when he said), He is being transparent(even changed his phone number so no one could contact him) we are going to Counseling together and he will start going on his own soon. He is taking alot of the necessary steps for a R.


And for everyone mentioning my son, He was not around during our arguements(he was at grandma's for the summer) and we don't argue in front of him. So he isn't seeing that behavior as a roll model because he is either asleep or was on vacation. My boyfriend and I are both mature enough to not let my son see us fight or talk about any of that.

Thanks again for your replies. Im so glad I found this site.


Another question Might be in the wrong section But I had looked at this site for a few days and read stuff and it seemed like I was doing good then I didn't look at the site for like 4 days and the next day I looked at it, it put me in a bad mood it was like all my triggers went off from reading some stuff. Anyone else have that problem?


Posts: 10 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: KC
prettyfuture
♀ Member
Member # 17293
Default  Posted: 6:15 PM, July 31st (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thatgirl

Thank you for your reply, Im dont understand how his reason is trying to shift the blame to me because he said it was exciting to him and all that he doesn't understand why he does it. He has been saying its not my fault at all, anytime I try to say something like if I was was prettier/skinnier etc etc. He always says its not My fault its his, and he does want to do it anymore and needs to get help. He has never blamed me.

Thanks for taking the time out to read my story, sorry it was so long it felt better to write it out. He said he wants to get on here and read and ask questions that might help him. He does want to go to IC and MC, and his dad was the same way with his mom until she left him. So he grew up seeing that. I think his dad has changed but I dont know how or why he did and they aren't close so it wouldn't help to ask his dad what helped him change.


I apologize, I misunderstood your original question a little. I thought you meant he was saying that the sex wasn't alive or passionate enough with you and you were saying that it was.

Okay. So here we have a guy who has passionate and alive sex with his girlfriend, according to both you and him. And yet he still needs sex from other places. I'll give him one thing: he is honest in saying that he likes the chase/ thrill. That is actually a really good thing that he recognized that and told you that, and I understand how he might *realize* he has a big problem and maybe even know he needs to stop and wants to stop. I guess the problem is, can he really stop? This seems so ingrained in him and I think there is *always* hope for change but he has to really, really want it. And he has to consistently do the hard work to keep wanting to live a life that to him, by his own admission, would be rather lackluster, if he gets a thrill out of sex with other people.

Another risk is that he is just putting on a big front to get you to stay with him. I guess there is no way to really know except observing his actions over a long period of time. That will require a lot of patience and hope on your part and I would hate to see you invest all that time and energy into someone who ends up betraying you again.
It's a risk everyone takes and as a FWF I know that sometimes it ends up that the cheater *does* change... but in your situation, it is just such a habitual pattern with him, like a serial cheater who needs his next fix.

I don't know. I don't want to discourage you but I just want you to protect yourself. I guess the positives to your story are that he is telling you the truth now and he admits he has a problem... that's the first step. I know if he does really want to change and he works hard, he CAN change. It's great that he wants to come here and talk to us. It's great that he wants to go to therapy.


You know what? I was a serial cheater and I didn't even realize it... I always had "less serious" relationships like boyfriends (instead of being engaged like I was with BF) and I always justified how they ended with me leaving one guy for another. I would say, I *tried* to break it off with him, but he wouldn't listen, or we were on a break. In the past mine were all 'exit affairs' because I couldn't manage to get rid of one guy until a new guy came along. And with my BF I followed that pattern, although I wasn't unhappy with him before I met xOM. But once I started talking to xOM and things progressed and got physical, I thought, I can't be in two relationships at once, I can't stay engaged, so I broke up with BF. But you know what, he didn't give up on me. He realized I had issues and he asked me to reconsider throwing away our great relationship to chase after a fraud.

It wasn't until we decided to R and I started doing a lot of hard work on myself-- this site, therapy, reading books about self-esteem and affairs, thinking about my upbringing, etc. -- that I even *realized* I had a problem and I wanted/ needed to change. I often think that if things hadn't happened this way, I would have gone on cheating and jumping from one guy to the next for a really long time.

So perhaps it is hypocritical of me to doubt that your boyfriend can change. Perhaps he is at that point where he really wants/ needs to change and he is prepared to star the hard work. If so, then in away he is very much ahead of where I was when I cheated and when we started R. I didn't even *realize* I had these problems or how hard it would be to change.

I guess the problem is, maybe he's not at that point, or maybe he is but he just doesn't have what it takes right now to change. Your love can help him see that there is something really good for him if he straightens out, but it CAN'T fix him or change him, he still needs to do that all on his own whether you are there or not. So it's such a huge gamble on your part when there is really nothing you do to influence the outcome.

I don't know if I've helped you at all or confused you more. My gut reaction to your story was RUN FAST AWAY girl, I'm glad you came and posted here because I wanted to tell you that but it was the JFO forum. But I can't say someone CAN'T change. I will say that the following ingredients are very necessary, and if they aren't there right away and they don't stay there, RUN FAST AWAY: honesty, transparency, remorse, empathy, desire to change.

Best wishes and hugs.


Me: FWF (fiance), 28
I broke off engagement: May '07, then he found out about EA
I confessed PA: Oct. '07 and we started R.
In true R since Feb. '08
RE-ENGAGED: 10/08/09
Getting married in Oct. 2010 :)

Posts: 1090 | Registered: Dec 2007
prettyfuture
♀ Member
Member # 17293
Default  Posted: 6:19 PM, July 31st (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Janis

I would like to believe he did not have sex with her (I did ask if they got physical and he denyed that too)--I just keep listening and watching his behavior to see if something slips---over time things usually do come out.
His story about being physical has not changed from day one---other statements have changed some but not that.
I enjoy each day with him but I will never trust 100% again...so part of me will always be on alert to anything said--little looks--etc.

Has he ever explained why it is that he could have phone sex with her but he couldn't/ wouldn't have any physical contact with her? Has he explained the circumstances for meeting her in these public places? I just don't understand that kind of a relationship. You talk on the phone with someone, have phone sex with them, and you meet up with them but you don't continue that kind of talk or that kind of talk doesn't lead to it being physical? And why would there be a distinction in his mind between phone sex with this long-term EA and any kind of real contact?

Well, I don't mean to be asking questions for you, I'm sure you've probably already asked all of them and if you are comfortable with the answers, I don't mean to pry. I am really glad he is doing everything right now and I wish you the best in R! I hope he continues to treasure you like he's been doing.


Me: FWF (fiance), 28
I broke off engagement: May '07, then he found out about EA
I confessed PA: Oct. '07 and we started R.
In true R since Feb. '08
RE-ENGAGED: 10/08/09
Getting married in Oct. 2010 :)

Posts: 1090 | Registered: Dec 2007
Janis
♀ Member
Member # 18656
Default  Posted: 9:48 PM, July 31st (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Has he ever explained why it is that he could have phone sex with her but he couldn't/ wouldn't have any physical contact with her? Has he explained the circumstances for meeting her in these public places? I just don't understand that kind of a relationship. You talk on the phone with someone, have phone sex with them, and you meet up with them but you don't continue that kind of talk or that kind of talk doesn't lead to it being physical? And why would there be a distinction in his mind between phone sex with this long-term EA and any kind of real contact?

According to him(and my phone records)...H was calling her 1-2 times a week for the last 7 years. He kicked it up when last son at home went away to college last fall. Before that he would meet to have lunch and talk to her..He admitted that he did not meet with her away from a public place after the phone sex started as he would be to tempted to follow through.
I did ask him once what kept him from having sex outside the marriage and he said it wouldn't solve anything...it would just get messier.....

The distinction part is a good question...my guess was he knew it was wrong but since it was by phone he "technically" wasn't cheating--I believe that is what he wanted to believe. However, I can trace back behavior changes that were going on when he started doing this so it must have bothered him...most of the changes came in the form of verbally attacking me more than normal and in a more mean way, disregarding my birthday, making coments about the music I listen too (that now he turns the channel to it), etc.
He must have been bothered by his choices and did admit once he wanted me to find out--guessing again, that he wasn't strong enough to stop on his own and he wanted to hurt me...like his choice was my fault....

Wow, that was helpful...gave me some of my own insight...Thanks....


me-52
ws-61
together 28 yrs (married 16 yrs)
2 boys--21yrs and 27 yrs
D-Day 12/4/2007
?EA for 10+ years (maybe always)
"just friends".....
R..One Day at a Time
Let the Facts be Your Guide...Not Your Emotions....


Posts: 167 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: California
brokendreamz
♀ Member
Member # 18436
Default  Posted: 12:26 AM, August 1st (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you Prettyfuture & Listeningclosely

I understand your point of view - however - FWH was able to plan & execute an affair for 1 1/2 - 2 years. That - IMHO proves he knows exactly what "to do" to impress & take care of his mistress. I want to be treated as well ( actually better) than his mistress.

For example - He managed to take her out to dinner for her birthday. On my birthday - he was away taking care of a sick relative. I totally understood - his need to be with the relative. At the time he "promised" to make it up to me. FINE!!! That was months ago & yes I have reminded him. The bottom line - we still have NOT gone out and HONORED my SPECIAL DAY!

If I have to ask MULTIPLE times - then IMHO I am begging for his attention. Very simply I will not tolerate being ignored/taken for granted etc.

IMHO it is the WS JOB to go above and beyond just being an attentive spouse. I really want him to pursue me - prove that he is worth my time & energy. I view him as I would any other man - step up or step out of the way.

Does that make sense? Do you understand my point of view?


Posts: 1077 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: SouthEast
thatgirl7
♀ New Member
Member # 20449
Default  Posted: 5:40 AM, August 1st (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

PRETTYFUTURE


Thank you again for your response, Im glad that it cleared up my original question. And no you didn't confuse me more, actually he was next to me reading it with me and it was very very helpful to both of us. We both learned things that are specific to our problem. and your situation is sorta similar to ours Except He cheats alot more then you did, and he didn't have the ending a relationship by cheating, He just cheats continually through out them.


He has been in 4 long term relationships. and has had multi-able other one time things or short relationships stuff like that.


The first relationship was when he was 16 to 18 He says he never cheated on her and she cheated on him all the time.


His second serious relationship was 24-26 he says he cheated 3 times on her the first time was a threesome with a friend and his wife. The second time was a with a "escort" while he was out of town. The third time was was a one time make out session with a girl and texting for a few days. that ended because his girlfriend at the time found out. The fourth time was when they were trying to R. That one lasted two weeks with sex times. It ended cause the girl was and I quote "that girl was too crazy" He confessed when he got caught, and he told her after they broke up about the crazy girl.

the third serious realationship was from age 27-29 the first was with his previous girlfriend that lasted about a month with 3 times having sex, the second time/girl was in that same month, then was another 3some with the same friends, then he had sex with the girl from the threesome without his friend knowing. then was when he started hooking up with me and that lasted 10 or so months and was more then just a hook-up or flirting we talked everyday and hung out as much as possible and his girlfriend at the time knew about most of it and about his feelings for me(all the other girls he had cheated with he didn't have feelings for) then while he was still with his last girlfriend he started hooking up with the girl he has been cheating on, it was on and off they would go for months without talking then talk alot for a couple weeks they "made out" 2 times when he was with his ex.

Now when he got with me he cheated with his ex 2 times in the first month , then a month later he cheated with the other girl just "making out" then 4 months later he had sex with her.


So thats pretty much his entire relationship history that he can remember right now, this post help because I was asking the questions and I got some more information on his past

Now its bedtime cause he is tired and wants to go to bed and continue looking at the site in the morning. I think he is just done talking for the night.


Posts: 10 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: KC
prettyfuture
♀ Member
Member # 17293
Default  Posted: 1:03 PM, August 1st (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Janis

I'm glad my questions helped you. Best wishes and hugs.


Me: FWF (fiance), 28
I broke off engagement: May '07, then he found out about EA
I confessed PA: Oct. '07 and we started R.
In true R since Feb. '08
RE-ENGAGED: 10/08/09
Getting married in Oct. 2010 :)

Posts: 1090 | Registered: Dec 2007
prettyfuture
♀ Member
Member # 17293
Default  Posted: 1:12 PM, August 1st (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Brokendreamz

I understand your point of view - however - FWH was able to plan & execute an affair for 1 1/2 - 2 years. That - IMHO proves he knows exactly what "to do" to impress & take care of his mistress. I want to be treated as well ( actually better) than his mistress.

For example - He managed to take her out to dinner for her birthday. On my birthday - he was away taking care of a sick relative. I totally understood - his need to be with the relative. At the time he "promised" to make it up to me. FINE!!! That was months ago & yes I have reminded him. The bottom line - we still have NOT gone out and HONORED my SPECIAL DAY!

If I have to ask MULTIPLE times - then IMHO I am begging for his attention. Very simply I will not tolerate being ignored/taken for granted etc.

IMHO it is the WS JOB to go above and beyond just being an attentive spouse. I really want him to pursue me - prove that he is worth my time & energy. I view him as I would any other man - step up or step out of the way.

Does that make sense? Do you understand my point of view?

Yes, that makes perfect sense and I do understand. Your husband SHOULD go out of his way to make you feel special and to pamper you like he obviously did his OWs. Maybe he some kind of compartamenalization issue where he saw his OWs as one way -- he pampered them and they gave him sex but it didn't "mean" anything like long-term like a marriage -- and then he ses you another way, like strong and independent and not needing him, and alwayas there as a long-term marriage partner. If so he needs to realize and break that perception because YOU are the one he should be investing all his energy and love into.

Or maybe it is so unnatural to him that he thinks if he does something sweet for you, you will think he is just "sucking up" or doing it to be fake. I have found special, new ways to show BF I love him and to spoil him. I give him massages and make dinner for him and keep my house and car clean (which is way more important to him than it is to me ) and make his bed with a little I love you note on the pillow etc. Now these things come naturally to me and I think he really appreciates them. But at first I had to be creative and think, what does he want that I haven't given him? and sometimes I felt worried that he would be suspicious and think, "she's never done this before, what's with all the special treatment? It's only because of guilt or because she wants me stick around." But now it feel like genuine love and it has become a part of our routine and I believe/ hope that he realizes I have learned new ways to show him how important he is to me, all the time.

I guess there are differences because we are not even married and we have "only" been together for 3 years. I have seen in some couples, well mostly my parents, that have been married for a long time that there is deep-seated resentment or confusion or just feeling overwhelmed with how to start over fresh and new. If this could be the case then I would be MC and communcication could help.

I am not making excuses for your husband, just trying to figure out why HE hasn't figured out that you need him to do these things, and do them for you. I totally understand that it would suck to express to your husband that you want him to spoil or pamper you and then he does not. He needs to get on the ball!!


Me: FWF (fiance), 28
I broke off engagement: May '07, then he found out about EA
I confessed PA: Oct. '07 and we started R.
In true R since Feb. '08
RE-ENGAGED: 10/08/09
Getting married in Oct. 2010 :)

Posts: 1090 | Registered: Dec 2007
prettyfuture
♀ Member
Member # 17293
Default  Posted: 1:16 PM, August 1st (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thatgirl

It's good that he is being honest about all of this. He is showing a willingness to change and that is a good thing. I've realized some people just can't be monogamous. I guess a good question to ask him is, does he really want to and does he really feel he will be able to be monogamous?

He needs to be completely honest with himself and you about this so as to avoid hurting you further in the future. It's *okay* if at this point in his life or maybe if ever he isn't ready to be committed. What is *not* okay is to say he can be committed and then be deceptive and lie and cheat. I think that maybe a good way to go is if he really does think he can be monogamous then he needs to make a deal that if any cheating happens, that's it, you guys are over for good because it's the only thing that's fair for you, and if he still wants to be monogamous he can take some time alone and figure out why he has this pattern and fix it so that he can eventually be a faithful partner. Maybe you will still be there and available at that time but maybe not; either way, if he wants to be monogamous but is incapable of it, then he really needs to fix this problem for *himself.*

Invite him to join and post in wayward, we will help him.

Good luck.


Me: FWF (fiance), 28
I broke off engagement: May '07, then he found out about EA
I confessed PA: Oct. '07 and we started R.
In true R since Feb. '08
RE-ENGAGED: 10/08/09
Getting married in Oct. 2010 :)

Posts: 1090 | Registered: Dec 2007
Listeningclosely
♂ Member
Member # 16472
Default  Posted: 2:42 PM, August 1st (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

brokendreamz -

Does that make sense? Do you understand my point of view?

I get your point of view. I do think FWS's have a hill to climb in terms of doing a lot to ensure their BS sees their commitment to the BS and no one else. Falling short of that keeps things unstable and insecure.

I think it has to be a change of mindset. A FWS almost has to look at their relationship as if they were dating again. What would they do to show their BF or GF how much they care about them? Those are the things they should be doing.

Then the catch is how to keep it going so that BOTH BS and FWS do those things for each other - that neither one takes the other for granted but remains committed to showing their love forever.


BW(her)- 45, FWH (me) 48
4 month Online EA
M 23 years, together for 28
4 Daughters - 21, 18, 14 and 12
d-day 6/2/07, in R
FORGIVENESS 1/1/2008!!!
"Action expresses priorities." -
Mohandas Gandhi

Posts: 4454 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: One Particular Harbour
Amandilla
♀ Member
Member # 20347
Default  Posted: 9:12 PM, August 1st (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My question to the WS is based on an issue that has come up with my WS. He had an internet affair which led to a PA but while he was having that affair he also flirted with other women online and after a year started another online affair which led to a one night stand-wanted it to be more- but got turned down when she saw he was an internet addict per say. He has ended all contact with both women and is in intensive weekly therapy. The question he is probing is whether or not he even has the capacity to love. He thinks he loves me, he says he loves me and is in love with me but he wonders how can a man who loves his wife do what he did? He also thought he was in love with the woman he was having the year long internet affair with but he still flirted with other women on line-therefor who could he have been in love with her? We have a 9 year old son who he would die for-this is a totally different kind of love he tells me. So I'm asking has any othere WS wondered about their capacity to love because they were cheaters. Can any of you relate to what my husband is saying or feeling?


Me: BW:47
HIM:WS:39 in treatment for SA
Married 16 years
several ONS
internet flirting
1 year long distance E/PA
1 beautiful son
DD1 7/14/08 False R
DD2 8/9/08 OW exposed False R which ended A. Thanks Jen!
Our new love story in progress

Posts: 503 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: East Coast
brokendreamz
♀ Member
Member # 18436
Default  Posted: 10:53 PM, August 1st (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you Prettyfuture & Listeningclosely

We are in MC & that does seem to help. I just want to feel special again

ps. prettyfuture - we have known each other for more than 30 years & we have been married 27 (soon to be 28yrs)
It is just weird to have to start all over again


Posts: 1077 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: SouthEast
hawthorne_08
♀ Member
Member # 17687
Default  Posted: 12:17 AM, August 2nd (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Amandilla -

You are patient and loving. So close to dday and exploring support for your WH...WOW!

I think everybody, regardless of cheating or not, always explores their capacity to love. Its part of personal inventory and life exploration.

The difference for your husband, and us cheaters, is that he has tangible reason to doubt it. I don't believe cheating is a sign of ones ability to love another, it is a weakness within oneself to love oneself.

Yes, of course, he can love fully again. First he must understand why he doesn't love himself.

I doubt he ever loved the OW. What he loved was how he felt because of her...special, desired, new, admired. He doesn't lack love for you, he lacked the ability to communicate that he missed those feelings with you...so he took the selfish road and easy road and get them.

I say he as if it were me...no judgement and no broad strokes...but we share similarities.

hope this help.
Hawthorne


FWW
I am married with R on top
Me: 42
H: 43
DDay: 11/10/07

Remember that STRESSED spelled backwards is DESSERTS.


Posts: 3487 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: Think Rice-a-Roni
wannabenormal
♀ Member
Member # 19772
Default  Posted: 6:31 PM, August 2nd (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How did WS feel once they realized all the time they'd taken from their children when they were with the OP?

WH didn't seem like the type who wouid do this, but today he decided he wasn't coming to see them. I'm glad I didn't tell them he'd be here.


BW, divorced: 03/09


Posts: 14252 | Registered: Jun 2008
perrycogirl
♀ Member
Member # 20227
Default  Posted: 10:12 PM, August 2nd (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know how to help my husband become less selfish and stop doing things that deliberately hurt my feelings or go against reconciliation. Yes, he wants to work on our marriage. Yes, he's in IC. We did marriage counseling about a year ago. Right now I'm not ready to go back to MC yet. I'm not sure my H is willing to go the exta mile and make things work. I'd like some suggestions on reading material for him. I was also wondering about inviting him to this site. He's not real receptive to self help and opening up - which I think is a key to fixing yourself.

Your suggestions, please.


Married 22 years
Me: BS 40's
Him: WH 40's
DS: 15
DDay#1 4/2002 (4 mo PA)
DDay#2 11/2006 (admitted to 1.5 yr PA) - almost 2 years later admitted it actually started 10 years earlier. They split for while and reconnected years later.

Posts: 340 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: small town in central PA
inspiration
♀ Member
Member # 20283
Default  Posted: 11:30 PM, August 2nd (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I thought I would try asking some of my questions on this topic hoping some of you can give me some insight from your experience. I just don't know if I am complete denial about our marriage or he is exaggerating. Since my husband gave me the love you but not in love with you speach on mothers day he has acted like our marriage has been nothing but fighting and misery. It has been going down hill the last 3 years but had gotten really bad the last 6 months. He with drew and never wanted sex at all. Until this point we seemed to have a very satisfing sex life. I pretty much tried anything he wanted and he seemed very pleased. When I brought that to his attention he said he wanted to try different things to make it better. I was there and I know I him well and sex did not become an issue until the last 6 months. Did you recreate your whole marriage or is it possible he was hiding his feelings that well?


DD: May28, 2008
Me: 31
him:31
togeather 16 years married 10
Kids 2: D-7, S-5
OW: 21
Divorced: Oct. 20

Posts: 358 | Registered: Jul 2008
inadaze
♀ Member
Member # 20312
Default  Posted: 12:17 AM, August 3rd (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ListeningClosely:
That's exactly what my WS said--he said he needed validation and someone to stroke his ego (and obviously other things as well ). He's very much into emotional conflict avoidance and even when I had him nailed during his EA/PA. would somehow bulls*** his way out of the situation. He's really trying to change that aspect of himself, while I'm trying harder to let him know I need him and depend on him; it seems to help. How long, though, will the WS put up with suspicion and the constant checking by the BS? I check everything--email, phone, work bag, computer history, you name it. My WS is OK w/it now--I've made it clear it's not an option whether I do it or not--but how long did it take you to start resenting the lack of trust by your BS?
Thanks for having the courage to talk to us and the determination to make it right w/your family.


Tell me again just why I'd WANT to follow the yellow brick road??

Dday 06/03/08
M: 06/13/87
Me:50
WS:49


Posts: 671 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Oz
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